Calories.
When I was 6 years old,
my mother told me I would consume
too many calories.
I would consume them by the hundreds,
by the thousands.
I was Godzilla and they were the people I dominated.
When my parents left one another
I had to fill myself with some other source of affection.
And the insulin rushes were tremendous.
When I was 11,
I had to see the doctor to be in fear of getting Diabetes,
and being grossly overweight.
At at age of 15, I was over 280 pounds
of walking disappointments.
I had always believed my stomach carried my happiness
and the fat under my chin kept my head high.
But after being rejected for so long,
I snapped.
I always had an attachment to food,
a sort of inseperable bond.
But I remember looking at myself in the mirror one night,
completely disgusted, tears welling in my eyes,
and I puked from the anger I felt inside of me.
So don't tell me the calories I consume today
don't burn more
than the bleach Amanda Todd drank,
or that the more hollow my stomach becomes,
I am not able to better hide my sorrows.
Do not dare tell me eat something,
because I've craved biting the bullet for the past 8
******* years, and carbohydrates
has caused more sadness in my heart than anything else.

Do not tell me other teenagers do not cut open their arms,
to let calories out,
because they are scared to Christ that someone may judge them,
if they eat an apple.
Because the first woman that ate an apple, ****** humankind.
And by having a sip of your Iced Tea,
or a french fry, might just dissolve the earth from beneath us.
Why we hide from nutrition labels,
and run from anything with a number greater than
ZERO
on it.

I was taught that happiness comes from a nutrition label,
and how many servings one consumes,
not the smile on ones face,
or the good in one's heart.

Calories have ruined my life,
and I will never forgive any nutrition label for that.

(We were called the HUGI TWINS - pronounced hoogie - we still are :-))

We were joined at the mustaches
Of chocolate milk
And giggles
Daring preschool to challenge us
On the ****** journey
Of out-of-mommy's-sight.  

I sat next to him
Immediately taken
By his first words
"What's YOUR name?"
Like he had one he had to share
But knew it wasn't polite
To just blurt it out.
In those three words
He owned me
Whether he wanted to
Or not.  

We authored world conquering agendas
On short chairs
And nap mats
Giving away all our secrets
In shouting whispers of confidentiality
(Consistently amazed
Of our teacher's Prophetic thwarts).  

Batman and Robin plagarized us
For we were unity
Inseperable
Born to co-dependency
Birthed to this bond
Which we wore like an arrogant badge
Making jealous
All the other 5 year olds.  

Inside the doors
Of lower education
We were royalty.
In the outer world
We were famous explorers
Almost too famous
Passing on the one adventure
That caved in
On three of our friend's lives.  

The alley was the highway to everything -
The playground
The market
And Russell's house.
Russell was older
Cool
And our friend.
He made us important
Until we "matured"
And became the new cool.
Southside
That's how we ride
(ok, bike...).  

But then it happened  

My crime-fighting cohort
Was taken captive
By menacing parents
And forced to move
Across town.  

I would cry as he pulled away.  

Small towns
And single high schools
Demand one fact -
There will be a reunion.  

In the same marble halls
Which echo with the footsteps
Of our fathers
The dynamic duo reignite.  

Our chariot was legend
As the Hugimobile
In Starsky and Hutch red and white
Became our calling card.
Filled with flying manes
Obscure sports paraphenalia
And healthy egos
The Show was on the road.  

The residue of living was co-owned
In the trenches
His closet was mine
My closet was his.
Everything was communal -
Ideas
Girlfriends
Jobs.
We got our nickname
Buckin' hay
And selling family bibles
Door to door
Stopping with each victory
To generate business for DQ
One cherry coke and cone
At a time.  

But those are things -
Granted
Good things
But things nonetheless.

He is more
Than good things.
He is the anchor
Of faithfulness.
He wields forgiveness
Like a shield.
When others cut and run
He picks me up
Not only from enemy hurts
But from hurts that I have caused
On my own.  

Without reward
He has eaten the burnt goods
Of my friendship
And smiled.
He introduced me to humility
For which I can never repay.
We are forever friends
Because he is forever benevolent.
And when I In these years
Find that tender boy
Fallen
He looks at me and says
"What's YOUR name?"
Strengthening I in my spirit
I reply "Hugi Twin"
Then remember I am something
Because of that unmerited favor.

"I age an eternity a moment,an eternity that is fleeting in a moment and you imbue the impermanence with your seraphic presence."

I am sitting under this tree whose leaves sway in circles like my memories fading into myself;
yet alone a few memories resist this disintegration,resisting the frailty of the life.one of those memories whispers your voice and how you said "father,I have a wish",the tone sweeter than the voice of the ocean,when you are about to sleep and it's your bed-time story for me,you continue saying,"I want to live in the sky and be an angel who floats on the clouds,when I want to swing I would bend the rainbow into the oonjal and with every swing I hit the clouds so hard that it becomes so ecstatic and produces a roar.when I want to come to the earth,I come like a lightening which tickles the earth....."
I love how you sleep in the middle of the story and how your voice slowly disintegrates into the silence like how you didn't say "now I take this sound and whisper it in this ear and you are going to bury in your heart, this sound that emanated from me and buried in you could resonate with billion galaxies".

Do you remember this is the tree under which we used to play with the mud,you used to pour the water in the sand and cover the leg with the mud till the ankle and staunch it immobile for a certain period and when you suddenly remove the foot,it assumes the shape of your foot which looks like igloo.I love how you break the igloos that is when you try to fit your head in to its mouth in the obliviousness that it would break because your head is too big to fit in,I love how the specks of silt get struck in the strands of your hair.

Every subtle detail here becomes enormously exquisite and with every utterance I am drowned with the memories to a point of singular abstract thought.perhaps in the next life,I wish to born as your child because I want to spend my childhood in your lap,I have to live those moments when you lift me up and put me on your shoulders and pat my head till I sleep,that is the part of my life in which I have missed you and I will claim and live it....

I still remember reading your short story and the male character in the story says something like "there is no brightness without darkness and you are the darkness,perhaps when you die,the sun,the moon and the stars would miss their light shedding upon you,but I am the one who will be devoid of the darkness that which creates the very ambience for this life,that which creates this inimitable life..."I wonder what it means sometimes and what made you to think to write something like that,that which produces an inseperable thought..and I think I am too old now to contemplate on what it means......


The tree and I sit on this light-shed early morning ,I think every particle of light which is reflecting from me now shares my memory,so I suppose I spread this reminiscence all over this place,all that is seen and unseen shares our memories....it baffles me at the very thought that every experience we indulge in reflects on the very existence itself.... I take your voice wherever I go and live,it's like a plugin to my heart and you always whisper from within me,even now,It's 6:30 now and I hear you saying "close your eyes",I close my eyes and fade into the echoes of your voice.transcedence.

"She is like a lightening passing now through me like a tickle and so do I perceive every form of limitation as a transcendence..."

He's holding me tightly,
As we're wrapped inside a yellow quilt,
We're embedded together,
With no motin, no tilt.
The beauty of this scene,
I imagined it like this,
With his arms wrapped around me,
As he leans in for a kiss.
The maturity in him,
Makes me wonder,
How perfect he is,
Deep down under.
We're inseperable for a start,
For he's my best friend,
My close companion,
I love him to the end.

I'll walk a million miles,
In the rain and cold,
Overcoming besetting trials,
Just to get to you;

I'll sail across the sea,
Even if my boat will break,
No Matter what may be,
I'll get to you;

i'll fly across the sky,
In a stormy weather,
Even if i'll have to cry,
I must get to you;

i'll stay awake at night,
No matter what it cost,
Even if i have to fight,
I will get to you.

They say "a spell is on my mind-
it is all a waste of time,
And that my love is blind"
I must get to you;

No matter how long the time,
No matter how far you are,
If i'll spend the last dime,
I must get to you.

You are the pillar of my heart,
The fragrance of my life,
Without you i'll fall apart,
I certainly must get to you.

"It comes about that the drifiting of these curtains
Is full of long motions: as the poderous
Deflations of distance: or as clouds
Inseperable from their afternoons;
Or the changing of light, the dropping
Of the silence, wide sleep and solitude
Of night, in which all motion
Is beyond us, as the firmament,
Up-rising and down-falling, bares
The last largeness, bold to see.

I remember feeling pain
When our hips were pressed together
Inseperable, like marriage vows
We moved together, like the words we spoke
With our bodies we were so much louder
And my head was crowded with the echoes
Your body was rippling in my memory
I felt you for centuries as we sat there barely moving
And I was looking into you, and you were looking into me
It was like when I looked at you I didn't need water or have the need to breath
We were so close in that moment that the next three days felt like I was wearing you as a sleeve
It was completely silent, not completely
I remember, I remember hearing your heart beat
I remember you were on top and I was underneath, and I remember you stopping and listening to everything I had to say, but you couldn't hear it over the sound of my heart beat
And your tan skin turned red
Your face did too, you looked into my eyes
And I turned blood red too
You grabbed my chest, I could feel your nails
A tear fleeted from the dark ring around your eye
and you breathed out, and I could hear the sighs from your body's cramped compassion and the feeling of your tightened thighs around mine
I could see your soul crumpled up into skin and bones that someone encapsulated you in to die
But you were alive, and everything you had felt that night, I was inside

i remember the first time we really clicked, you know.
back in seventh grade, a lifetime ago.
part of me says i was sitting on a bed, and you on the floor.
but it might've been the other way around.
i feel like we talked about the sky. but maybe it was the moon?
it doesn't matter, we thought it was deep, something special.
something only the two of us understood.
[i think we were just suffering from exhaustion.
it was awfully early by then.
or awfully late.]

that year was my worst.
yours, too.
seventh grade never treats anyone well.
we stayed friends, carried 'our' notebook to and from class.
took it home on alternating weekends, to stay caught up.
this was back when no one had texting.
we made it through, in one piece.
[our hearts may have been in pieces, however.]

eighth grade rolled around. we shared one class, french 1.
i paid too much attention to you and our lives,
not nearly enough on the class. i scraped by with a b.
[i knew french was only to be admired.
you told me french was mine if i wanted it.]

we were inseperable or distant in high school, due to so many things.
your boyfriend[s]. my catastrophes.
i lived my days defending you,
and my nights crying because of you.
i never felt good enough in your eyes.

eventually, i changed.
you changed too, but you just got older.
i matured. i grew stronger.
i stopped taking **** from people.
yes, even you.

but we're at a point where we can be friends.
or friendly, if you prefer.
but also not acknowledge each other in the hall.

your tattoo, it reads, "stay gold, ponyboy."
and when i saw it, i cried.
i cried for every time we watched that together.
every time we won't see it together.
you were a good friend to me, even with your faults.
you forced me to grow and change or die trying.
and i can't thank you enough.

[your sarakan loves you, loved you.]
i do miss you, but i can't handle having you back.
stay gold, beautiful meadow.
you better stay ******* gold.

What happens when you fall apart? When you truly cannot see eye to eye again? When you cannot explain how you ended up screaming at each other? When saying am sorry cannot work anymore? What happens?
You know they say love is something to fight for. That you should not give up if you truly believe in each other. They also say that if you love something you have to let it go and if it belongs to you it will come back. So which is which? Which saying do i follow? How helpess must i be for love to work for me again?
Sometimes i can't even take time to breath. It feels like sin. Both of us seem to hurt. One more than the other. Love is like that someone feels it more than the other. There was a time we were inseperable. Like sea to salt now we are like sea to sky. I want to say we are both at fault. That is what she said.
I was afraid of loosing people once. Loosing them to the world. I was afraid of that. Not anymore. People leave anyway whether you want them to stay or not. Fact is no one really stays.
Someone told me once that you should strive to understand more than to be understood. I feel that now.
There so many things i would like to say her. Things i feel she did to me that are not fair but what person would i be if i did?
There is no victory in foolish blame neither is there saving with a heart that is filled with anger and hatred. You must do it with love. I will try.

Love is forgiveness and compassion. I am glad someone told me this.


Yours,
The Red_Head

stars and stardust, we were
from the press impelled by the loneliness  
from the incessant at the bottom of crowds.
we ache for our numb bones
and false amore on top of the love-
folie a deux covers under
the shared madness- artist's hands.

attachment is trying desperately-
infatuation is "as if"
with deadly symptoms- us inseperable.
red roses lead to "as if i could"
with roses dropped, so memorize and recreate
from vases shattered, sculpt us together
so life is forever and not just golden hair,
my labor for your blue eyes,
and as fleeting as your weapons.

cities sunk and yet i, ardent, watch
from the depths of countenance.
it's all for you, i know that.
perceive its aftereffects and
we will lead its hangover headache,
divergent until you're sprawled over your serenade.

If i am a song
Then you are the lyrics
If i am a flower
Then you are the petals
If am the sun
Then you are its source
If i am the world
The you are the universe
If i am the night
Then you are the most beautiful moonlight
If i am the world
Then you are my universe
If am a rockstar
Then you are my guitar
If i am life
Then you are my breath
If i am music
Then you are the sweetest symphony
If i am a writer
Then you are my inspiration
If i am a painter
The you are my masterpiece
If i am humane
Then it is only 'coz of you
If i live
Then it is only for you
I am a part of you
I'm embedded deep in your skin
I'm imprisoned in your heart
I'm stuck to your mind like a constant thought
You can feel me in every aspect of your life
And so can i
You and me...we're inseparable

I remember when we were One,
Me and you.
Together, us, inseperable
Before it all.

Catastrophe.
War, that killed,
Emotions, people, our love.
That split us into one,
Two, three, four
All the same
We are no more.

No longer is our love,
My love.
We are individuals.
We are many.

We have lost us.
And we've lost ourselves.
Before we became
Ourselves.

Lacking imperfection his un illuminating
yarn woven secrets speak spilling
silt that doesn’t even exist.

Inseperable the meta voltaic charged touch
of her skin against his blemished soul leaving behind
marks of polyphony with staccatos hanging by a pine,
gathering gusts of wind and rocking his unsteady soul
on the swing set into a leap into the depths
of the blue oceanic sky and diving deep
into her love
that binds him together
forever more.

Ever again her calming wind
shakes up the roots of the evergreen trees
in the movable earth of his body.

Her thoughts have seem to lost their ways,
A beautiful kind of strange
Reminds me alot of myself,
Like minds dervied from dark times
Eccentric little craze of mine,
Your love is unreplaceable

Quick little jolts of thought,
Undeniably we assertain
Inseperable are our wants and wishes
Not an angel or a devil
Namely, you are my Harely Quinn

We could have been the sand
and the sea that is inseperable,

But in reality we are the day and night,
The sunsets and the sunrises,

That is destined to end one another;
To beautifully begin, apart.

Golden rays melt
into vast amounts of white
Not a drop of loss was felt
Unfortuneatly that was then
Unfortuneatly this is now

Sparkles used to be the only
Product of the light
When beauty was
just a silent grace
not a silent threat

Ice ruled humbly
A creature at its side
Magnificent and mighty
Paws like frosty boulders
Spirit intertwined with cold

Together they seemed
unstoppable
unbreakable   inseperable
They were unbeatable
So solid

As the gas fills the air
It allies with golden rays
And as the ice shrinks back
weakened, beaten, damaged
The icebear follows suit
Gems of the North are disappearing
going
going
Gone.

I look over my shoulder
you’re watching me,
with a green tree-frog sitting on your  shoulder.
You’re both smiling.
So am I.
Your photograph goes on repeating its smile, day after day,
it never tires
or has a day off,
just waits to share a bit more of your enthusiasm.

You’re there as I wake each morning
reminding me we’re inseperable.
Even now I can hear you say,
“you know the river finds its way,
you know the tree was once a seed..."

Two thousand kilometres, seperate cities, seperate lives
serve the paradox of our closeness.

Your photograph reminds me
love will reveal itself with each day.
The 'I  that loves you'
is beyond us both,
to understand it
is as impossible
as interpreting the smile of frogs or the speech of trees.

'I love you'
lives outside a definition;
there’s simply no explanation needed
as we inhale.

MChallis © 2015

Rewind to one summer ago
When the leaves were still blossoming on their branches
Just like ourselves, blooming into a new life,
a new chance
So we made a pact, made a bond, a contract
Four musketeers (we’re the real OG)* on the loose
Inseperable and undeniably connected
We spit our hands and smashed them together

Fast forward
Now you spit on me instead
All the leaves died a long time ago
Soon new ones will bloom
If they are able to hold on to their branches despite the gushing hurricane that doesn't seem to be leaving soon.

Mama once told me some people only last a season
But
I never thought it would be like this
Never thought you would act like this
Never thought you would treat me like this
Never thought you would forget like this
Never thought I could cry like this

You words and promises didn't last
We’re just plastered with plastic perfect smiles
Too bad we have crooked teeth.

The burning feeling of love inside,
Beating hearts that collide.
My heart races here to show,
We're inseperable to and fro.
My tiny hand rests in yours,
As we wander through the open doors.
Jogging endlessly on the golden sand,
Exploring happily across the land.
Gazing into each others eyes,
Feeling our love, increase in size.
Holding each other tightly,
Whispering slightly.
Our lips attached,
The perfect match.
Chemistry building up,
Like a playful, little pup.
The deepest emotions two share,
In which nothing can compare.
I'm so blessed to have found love,
From paradise, up above.
So sacred to treasure,
Endless pleasure.
Desirable qualities in each of us,
Never a complain, nor a fuss.
A heart lifted as high as the sun,
Laughing, socializing, and having fun.
Love is the most valuable thing,
Such unique quality, it does bring.
Nothing will ever surpas the beauty of love,
I've found my destiny, from above.

I remember you
Best friends we were
In spirit we still are
Although time and distance and life have taken their toll

For one summer, it was true
Inseperable, like birds of a feather
Our fun would go very far
To this day, I still feel your role

The memories still feel new
Your influence, it does not falter
Although we are currently far
Let us, for memories sake, take a stroll

Arm in arm we were inseperable.
Hand in hand, we are capable
of everything.
Looking for a fight
or laying under the stars
Wherever you go,
I never want to be far.

For once in my life
I don't have to lead,
I've found my knight
and his noble steed
But for now I have to walk the line
between knowing you're hers
and wishing you were mine.

I'll love you forever
                                                 Remember the time when we were lovers?
Your smile ingrained in my mind
                                                 Your anger branded into my soul
Always so kind
                                                 You never loved me back                        
I wanted to hold you forever
                                                 You're impossible to forget
I think about you all of the time
                                                  Your first beat upon my chest
I'm so glad to love you
                                                   I wish I'd never known you
Murmurs spilling out of your sweet lips
                                                   Anger spewing from your mouth        
I tell you all of my secrets
                                                   A stranger knows all of my secrets
We're inseperable
                                                   Your back was all I could see
I love you...
                                                   ...I hate you

I saw
Two yellow leaves
Fall to their end
(Or was it just the beginning?)

They twirl
Let the air carry them
Wherever

And in them,
I saw us
Inseperable
Even in suffering
(or was it desire?)

"BTL crash"

You don't remember entering the building, but its shaking
and this dancefloor is now your life in binding.
Every last one of your senses is bombarded, a kaleidoscope
a hyper travel through your present and your future.

Colors endlessly shifting, space and time distorted,
you can feel its grip on your arm, a sour tasting pill.
A wayward thing, just like her perfume, a pure sense
Hundreds of them reminding you that they are now someone else.

It cannot be for long however, for the stars are aligned,
this is the only hour of your life, the best one presented.
A familiar scent strikes you and the colors bleed from the scene,
They form a river of blood red path through your eyes.

As the beat picks up you feel your thoughts drifting,
you can see your mind, your tongue twisting.
The words are formed but they unintelligible, no matter
for she is the only one, always so understanding.

You are loved and you two are inseperable yet again.
A bastion among the unknown crowd, a familiar face to trust.
You feel the short burst of joy course through your veins,
but short as it is, it ends with the beat's last blast

You come crashing down, sudden and fast,
Every dancer now moves in unison, the lights can talk,
You hug her tight, but still feel the force applied
The lungs melt, the muscles tighten, you lose control.

You come crashing down, painful and hopeless,
Every shape loses its composure as you fall through life.
Her voice is not with you anymore, the stars are supernovas.
You fall alone among the crowd, and you hit a grime covered ground.

The time spent thinking of you,
Is endless every day,
You stole my heart rapidly,
I feel grateful, to this day.
Occupying myself works best,
When I'm struggling alone,
You are my whole life now,
You have gracefully shown.
My love for you is as high as the sun,
As clear as the sea,
As visible as light,
As close as we can be.
You help me to see,
That we are a whole,
That I'm not broken,
That we're in control.
I keep feeling love for you,
Where our fate lies ahead,
I'm bound to fall hard for you,
I might tell it to you instead.
Our love exceeds a thousand miles,
Romantic as a glass of wine,
As we learn and laugh endlessly,
Is when I see us shine.
Sweet o' valentine,
I love you ever more,
Sweet o' valentine,
Look at us soar.
Beyond the barbed wire and gate,
I see a shadow of only two,
Inseperable and complete,
For Zach, I truly love you.
I can tell you just how I feel,
Not only from a work of art,
Not just through words,
But through my beating heart.

I started out seeing him before my last was through

He was so great, but I wasn't ready. I didn't know what to do

I told him I didn't want a relationship and still he persists

We were inseperable. Every moment was bliss

I never had my independent freedom, but he was worth so much more

I still needed to breathe alone. Instead we bought the keys to our first door

It was our home. I was so happy! I knew I had done right

And then crept in urges to be single. I guess I lost that fight

He was so in love and I would have been too

If he gave me the time and space I first needed to do what I had to do

I cared for this man so much you must know

I was at a crossroads. I was falling in love

Still of my own time I could not let go

I cried for days after I cheated on him

I had to tell him of my lower than life sin

He left for days and that's when I realized

There went my whole life, I felt paralyzed

But our true love shun through and he came back

I was so happy! Our life seemed perfect after that

But eventually he got too busy for me and that really hurt inside

We didn't do the things we use to. I wondered "where was his mind?"

So I did what the old me knew to do best

I partied and partied. I didn't even come home to rest

And I mind ****** myself until I lost my reality

And then once more I ****** up. I committed our relationship's fatality

I was so drunk I couldn't remember, but when I did was ashamed

How could I do something so stupid?! All I really wanted was my man's last name

I had never lied to my love before, but this time how could I confess?

I couldn't risk losing him again! God, I made such a huge mess!

To pretend it never happened at all so hard I did try

I would make excuses Like "it was just a kiss" and " I didn't care about that guy"

Things became normal again. We were happy and true

I thanked God over and over! I was looking forward to saying "I Do"

Little did I know I wasn't off the hook just yet

My past came back to haunt me. It reared it's ugly head

Someone had recorded that kiss and knew my man's cell

They wanted to break us up and through via text they did tell

He sat on it for days while it boiled up inside

He waited to use it against me and when he did I did die

Since he left me I haven't eaten at all. I just sit and I cry

The dream that "3 times a Charm" is what keeps me alive

It took me a while to know what I wanted and how to handle my hard times

He really is my last true love. I pray one day he will feel the same way inside

Moonlight
crawling out of
the sea,

we are
no longer
inseperable.

One
now two
torn,

forlorn
yet half my heart
yearns for you.

The other part rebels.

There is
no unfeeling
your touch,

no way
to unhear
your voice.

You are an echo,
unforgettable,
part of me.

Your parting gift
was an exit wound,
a way back in

through the time machine,
reflected moments,
good memories.

In a way
I guess you'll always be
a stubborn itch beneath my skin.

A whisper lost to ear
that travels often to heart
persuading me to love you,

or keep fighting like hell to let you go.

Decision's tree,
to be falling branches
or growing roots;

thrive or decay.

To hold on
or to let go of you,
both seem impossible

to choose and to do.

I breathe you in,
Just breathe you in
Trying to freeze the moment
Because I never want to let go
It’s so hard to let go
So hard to walk away,
even if it’s just for a day
I need you,
Like oxygen for my heartbeat
I’m addicted to you,
And desperation is racing through my blood
I cannot let you go,
Not now for a few minutes,
Or in summer for a few years,
And certainly not ever forever
And it’s tearing me apart,
We were doomed from the start
Inseperable, but the chasm still grows
And we’re not allowed to cross it just yet
But I know,
I promise you and I know,
No distance will sever our hearts,
No torment will yank us apart,
Nothing will ever truly seperate us,
For we are the two halves of one single soul
And we need each other to survive
And now, right now,
Hold my hand oh-so-tightly
Hold me while you can
Because when the trees turn green
And the sun stains my skin,
There’s no way of knowing
When we’ll see each other again.