When you promised me forever, I was silly to think you'd keep your word
Because I was taught that those things should be felt louder than they're heard
Promises by their definition are strength and willingness
To hold your word up higher than your own satiated bliss.
I could never be enough for you or anything you hoped we'd be
Thought I was exploring the sand ***** but was really drowning in your sea.
I've lived in the shadow of your former lover which we both knew could never last
And still I stayed with shallow hope that you'd bring me back after each cast
The rhythm in which I write now is filled with chaos and urgency
To get out every feeling quick enough, grasping at who I'm trying to be.
The promises I made to you through letters, painting, and home baked cookies
Are the ones that echo in my mind when I wipe the quiet and slow tears from my cheeks
Healing, growing, moving on feel a little stranger now
Deep breaths, a slight grin and even a softened brow
Silly little me promised to always love you.
And though that may look different now,
I forever still do.
Being talked down to -
That never happened.
Being taken advantage of -
That isn't true.
Being stood up -
Being violated -
That's just plain wrong.
Being broken -
You put finger quotes around my word. The word I used to open up to you.
But oh... I'm so sorry. I didn't realize that you majored in my trauma enough to tell me my own history.
Trust is a tricky thing.
One person in your life can shake the ground you walk on forever without a second thought.
Your own anxieties bring insecurities that make you lose trust in people. It's not always their fault, but when those sneaking feelings end up being true, ******* it takes so much to come back from that.
Distrust and uncertainty seep into everything moving forward. You can't help but compare and see similarities. ***** the glaring and incredible differences, you will still find ways to not trust him. It's not fair to him, but you feel jaded like it doesn't matter anyway. Continue building those walls and slamming more bricks up there each and every time you have a concern, warranted or not.
You'll push everyone away because you will never be able to let go of those parts of yourself.
11.29.23 I'll start the story and then never finish it because there will always be more to write. There will always be more to our story. Or so I hope.
2.2.24 I started the story and never finished because missing you cuts too deep to write of our missed adventures. There are no more words left to our story.
Because it's not our story anymore.
You told me you loved me amongst the crowd of a Steelers game while we were searching for a hot dog and soda. Not the most enchanting, but perhaps I watch too many rom-coms for my own good. I think I've always just romanticized each aspect of a relationship and all the major moments based on what media told me meant the most.
Opening my eyes now, those special moments aren't always at a candlelit dinner or by a fireplace, many times they are at a cookout with your friends or the zoo with my nieces and nephews. The beauty of feeling something so deeply that you just have to say it, even if it's in front of a porta ***** at a church festival or the stoplight on your way home, that's the real love that people feel.
So when I tell you I love you while sitting on my couch on a random Monday night, know that I mean it. Know that every muscle in my body wanted to tell you because I didn't wait for candlelight or an array of stars, instead I told you in the most real way, our way.
We will still have those romantic moments on a boat under the moonlight or the fireplace of an old house, but we will also have those passionate moments where we couldn't keep our feelings in anymore and the most appropriate place just happens to be a crowded train on the way downtown and an airport bar. I love you and I'll say it anywhere.
And that kinda *****.
He wasn't who I thought he was. He was more capable of anger and ruthlessness than I imagined. Saying things that tear out the most vulnerable parts and stab them to bits.
He was more childish than I thought he'd be for his age. He spends recklessly, doesn't have handsoap in his bathroom, and watches TV from a desk chair.
He was flaky and shady. Giving little information and being dodgy about his phone and whereabouts. He consistently cancelled plans and left me in the lurch.
He was never going to think about someone else for a change or be truly and deeply mindful of his significant other.
He had a sharp tongue and a hard head. If I didn't select every word carefully, he would snap and say horrible things.
He didn't let her go. As much as he would deny it, Priya still has a hold on him. He can't let her go. He would say terrible things about her and then also say I was like her. He would delete her messages and lie about her texting him. He carried through the trauma and treated me like her. He wanted a relationship to just pick up where that one left off and not put the effort into 'dating'. I was a continuation of his previous relationship - all the history but only the good person.
He was boastful and also self-deprecating.
He drank too much and smoked too much.
He didn't follow through on things he said he would do.
He love bombed me and then pulled away to where I felt empty.
And that kinda *****.
And I'm sad that I still miss him.
My friends tell me it was only a couple of months.
I should feel better by now.
I should feel lighter and happier.
Some days I am and some days my heart hurts deeply.
I realized that even though it was only a couple of months, you were the reason I came back to this part of the world.
The part of the world when I felt comfortable in love.
The place where I realized that I could do this again.
The moment where I let love feel safe again.
After 7 years of self discovery and healing, I brought myself back to the world of falling in love....
and I picked you.
What a stupid thing to do.