It's hard to talk about a loss
The emotions just go into overdrive
I've tried and failed innumerable times
But anyways here goes.....
I lost my father about 5 months ago
And yet I still can't come to terms with this painful reality
I still feel his presence everywhere around me
Not a day goes by when I don't think of him
His face keeps wandering in the deepest corners of my mind
I can't sleep at night
My pillow gets decorated with pearls of tears
Everyone around me says that time will heal everything
But will it really???
My world seems shattered
My whole life has changed
At times I feel like I'm falling into an abyss of hopelessness
I've realized that there are some kinds of pain that never go away no matter what you do
I guess the only choice I have is to learn to live with this pain
Dearest Dad...wherever you are.. I hope you find comfort there
I miss you so much and I promise to take care of the family as best as I can
I know we had our differences but deep within I always knew that you loved me and truly cared for me as I always did for you
Dearest Almighty.. Please give me the strength to fight through this difficult period in my life and take care of my family
Tu chali gayi thi bina kuch kahay
Mera dil ek veeran reygistaan ** gaya tha
Andhera hi roshni lagta tha
Tanhayi kay siwa kuch nahi tha
Ab itnay arso baad tu waapis aayi hai
Par tu abhi bhi mujhsay kuch bolti nahi
Ekbaar mujhsay kuch keh toh sahi
Meray kaan taras gayay teri awaaz suun nay ko
Nafrat ki nazar se hi sahi
Par ekbaar mujhay dekho toh sahi
Meri aankhen taras gayi hai
Teri aankhon say milnay ko...
(Urdu and Hindi)
You had left without saying anything
My heart had become an empty desert
The darkness used to feel like light
There was nothing except loneliness
Now you've come back after ages
And yet you still don't talk to me
Please just talk to me once
My ears are yearning to hear your voice
Even it's a look of hatred
But please look at me once
My eyes are yearning to meet your eyes...
The eons of my life are passing by in a jiffy
Feels like a dream this life
It was only yesterday
That I was cradled in my mother's arms
Her sweet lullaby dispelling my fears
Her motivating words always keeping me positive
Then as the years went by..
...From crawling to walking
From mumbling gibberish to talking...
...I gradually learnt it all
And yet sometimes I feel like I haven't changed at all
I'm still that shy reserved soul
Absorbing pain and loneliness every single day of my existence
The same introvert finding happiness and comfort in my writings
All my life I've always felt like a misfit for some reason
Now many decades later I still feel the same...
...sure I've changed somewhat
I've lost some hair.. some teeth
I've become a bit forgetful
Times have changed..
Technology has become more prevalent
I'm adapting or at least trying to adapt to these changes as best as I can
...But somethings have remained the same...
I was a loner many eons ago
And I'm still one
And yet I'm still living...
...trying to find happiness in whatever I do
Learning or at least trying to learn something each and every day of my life..
Perhaps I guess I'm enjoying the silence and beauty that loneliness offers
I guess solitude is the only thing I have that I can truly enjoy
And if I don't ever find any companionship.. At least I know that I'll always have loneliness by my side...
I sometimes wonder.. Have I lived my life to the fullest?
...Have I achieved all my goals in life?
And I sit and think for hours and days and I just can't come up with any answers to these two questions
I guess I'll never know the answers to these.. Perhaps I'm not meant to...
Jab tak teri yaadein meray saath hain
Main tanha hokar bhi tanha nahin...
(Urdu and Hindi)
As long you're memories are with me
I'm not lonely even when i'm lonely...
Be so focused on your goals that you don't even have the time to compare yourself with others.
In my final moments as I lay on my death bed
When the eyes were on the verge of closing forever...
And the soul knew it was going to get captured now
Amidst all the memories and regrets running through my mind...
...All I could think about was you
Your serene face kept flashing before my eyes..
...i could never forget those angel like eyes
Your sweet voice kept ringing in my mind..it was so relaxing and motivating
Your fragrance I could now fondly recall..it was somewhat ethereal
Every single moment I spent with you...It was all flashing before my eyes
Your words I could never forget them..
You had said ...try to be the best version of yourself no matter what
I tried my best to follow your advice
I don't know if I ever succeded
...but believe me I tried
You left me too soon
I missed you so much
Everyday without you felt like a punishment
Nothing seemed to make sense anymore
Life for me had lost its meaning
Without you my heart felt like a graveyard...
...it felt like an old abandoned and desolate house
But finally I'll join you now
I've waited for this moment for so long
I've longed for our souls to meet
I've prayed so much for us to be together someday
We couldn't be together in this lifetime
But now finally death will unite us...
I've shun all my pretences
I've dropped my defences
I am unarmed and vulnerable
The exposure of my truth is now inevitable
I had feared that this day would be probable
I'm tired of running and hiding
All my dark secrets are finding their way out of my soul's closet
Is this it??
The end of me... The end of all relationships
The chance of a having a somewhat normal life evaporating into thin air
My soul now bare and exposed
Revealing the monster inside of me ..
...Everyone now witnessing the imposter I truly am
My mask is gradually slipping off
How much longer can I play this game of hide and seek with my dark monster
I'm losing control
I don't think I can lie and pretend anymore
The burden of keeping this dark secret is just too much
But telling the truth will destroy it all
I'll be back to being a loner
Discarded like an old and obsolete piece of furniture
Discriminated against like I'm afflicted with some infectious disease
Avoided like I'm something dangerous
I was always a bit different..
...Weird in my own way
...Doing things most people around me would do and...
...Pretending to be normal was the only way to blend in
...Perhaps I was a fool to think that I could **** the monster inside of me
My inner monster and I... We're inseparable I guess
...but then again let me ask you all this... Ultimately aren't we all in some way or the other pretending to be normal???
I mean what is normal???
One man's normal is another man's crazy and vice versa.... Isn't it???