I can't help but doubt you or
Your loyalty
My heart clutched by fear
Insecurely, I worry
that I'm not enough.
Insincerely, you assure me,
No need to think so much
My mind is on fire
The Pressure
is creeping.
Slowly but surely
gripping my throat
It has left me breathless
and blue.

if i were to turn and say
hey dude i ******* hate you, kay?
(well no, of course it isn't true-)
but what d'you reckon you would do?
i'm only wondering because
you act like it'd be no loss
and insecurely, i don't know-
because you sometimes seem as though
either you think i'll never leave
or just don't care what i believe?
i'd like to say i have a line
but no, i'll just sit here and whine
while you sit there, knowing quite well
that i would never ever tell
you that i'm giving up, you see
i think that this means more to me
than you, perhaps, and **** that stings
especially recently, when things
have led your life away from mine
i know it's not your fault; it's fine-
except it's not, because i never
thought that i would have to weather
all my ugly parts alone,
you used to be just down the phone.
i never used to hide from you
and now it seems you want me to-
but i've spent years with my gun down
it's hard to pick it off the ground.

*-maybe i'll close my eyes instead
and un-remember what you said.

Again life cycles to a clutter, ideas thought through

don't anymore seem as though,

even when expressed aloud and not within.



Maybe they're right,

my ignorance is only withholding wonders

I struggle to actually see.  



Hypocritically, I find importance in self enrichment

and observing from afar.

and yet even from a distance you feel so close.



Is this an evolution or is it just another mutation.

Obscure out of any cultural norm, I resonate

impairing those who hear my words.



This constant metamorphosis has left me staring in the mirror for

hours, searching for the presence of my subjected  form.



Yet,



while I peer into the interworkings of my reflection

to observe what I actually see...



With all truth, it holds a boy,

an awkwardly timid boy.



Insecurely gazing back into the pupils

of his reality.



He's bellowing inside his

submerged mind.



Subconsciously Blurting:



"Do not turn back,  

their are cyclones that await.



And all that is required

to overcome this task



is to go forth without

pondering times long gone...





So here I am, engaulphed

in tidal winds.



I must break loose;



grow, starting from

below.

Is that a frown I put upon your face child?
As I tried to soothe the sadness that smiled on your inside
That festered like pathogens inside your heart
Is that your index finger?
Sitting inquisitively on your lip?
I see the distraction in your whirlpools of corneas
Your hair lays insecurely on your shoulder blades
Let me console you with a joke
Pacify your placidity with these sad bars
You pick up your phone.
You read your texts.
Oh?
Is that a smile I put upon your face, child?
-zaba

Be careful little one

You have the frozen globe of existence at your Fingertips
Marking Tracing Melting  oh so slowly much too fast

Diligently your dead eyes glance gracefully into infinite bright spotlights
Your fragile razor-edged smile’s tearing the corners of your lips

Insecurely holding yourself excruciatingly precise

Marking repugnant lines down your too young face
Spine’s held ram-rod straight pretending to keep your world afloat on a

Butterflies listless fluttering wings

The tiniest misstep reverberating inside your hollowed breastbone

In.. In… In…. Inconspicuous

Comparable in the manner of a lamp bumping the floor two houses up
Breath hitched tattooed pulse brings life to your porcelain pores

Tip-toeing on egg-shells of yearning aspiration

Flinching at the cold intangible fear that’s grabbed your hand
Makes you come to life a stones throw too freedom
Diamonds ruthlessly rip into soles and ****** toes imprisoned in silk

Wine stained lips sneer at rows of red velvet

They grasp everything you've strove for, they are the power
Passion, adrenaline, up most urgency sweeping you away

The most elegant anguish rushes out forming awestruck wild abandon
Waiting your whole life for this moment boiling down to now

Day after day year after year

Pupils blown wide it’s do or die spread your arms and take your bow
Self-loathing narcissist

You only dance as if the the sky is falling when you feel all is beyond repair

Never have you been more *beautiful

Cease your perpetually rushed tendencies,
and listen to a boy who believes himself to be wise.
Calm the churning of your thoughts,
open your eyes and broaden your horizons.
Feel the steady beat of your heart.
Slow your breathing, and ready yourself.
I speak in metaphors and analogies,
in an oftentimes futile attempt to understand life.
I spend my days writing, singing, hoping and dreaming.
Sometimes, it is an incoherent and nonsensical mess.
Other times, I find myself caught in an epiphany.
In those moments, I take one step closer,
closer to an answer, to that one question all ask themselves:
What is my purpose for being here?
In the short span of years that I have been alive,
I have experienced a diverse multitude of things.
Some of them possessed of a ravishing beauty.
The soft caress of a lover, her sweet words whispered in my ear.
Or the involvement in something greater, better than myself.
Others have had abhorrent and malevolent qualities.
The loss of oneself to the avaricious fingers of addiction.
Or the helplessness of holding a loved one as they leave this world.
At times I have found myself fighting for my very life.
At others I have found myself willing to leave it behind.
I incessantly find my heart vying with my mind for *******.
I have foolishly stood by and watched with apathetic eyes,
my slow and agonizing departure from sanity.
Even consumed by insanity there is truth to be gleaned.
If only one finds in themselves the exit from its’ purgatorial cell.
Life is not preordained, it is not predictable, or even reasonable.
Life simply exists in its’ entirety with multitudinous choices.
The body is the vassal for life, and thus, you have a choice.
Life is what you make it; you can choose to make it good.
Or, whether through naivety or foolhardy bravado,
you can choose to make it irrevocably bad.
This is not to say you will always choose what is right.
But rather that you alone have the power to define yourself.
I am no longer a child, nor do I profess myself to be aged.
But I can say with undeniable certainty, that my mind,
being enigmatic as it is, has surpassed my physical age.
If only now I might find the remedy to purge my heart,
for it pumps the poison of love into me everyday.
But even being as caustic and acidic as love may be,
to rid yourself of it would be to squander your life.
Harness love and you wield a double-edged sword.
It can cut you down just as easily as another.
I have released my heart to do as it will.
In someone else’s hands it now lies insecurely.
But with a stubborn valor it remains there despite my calls.
With askance acquiescence I call no longer.
I wait with a stoic trepidation overshadowing all hope.
But even cast in shadow as it is, hope has its own light
So now I find myself waiting, forever if I must.
The answers I so desperately yearn for are just on the horizon.
If only I could reach out, with feeble, trembling hands,
and sieze them before they escape my grasp again.
Perhaps then I will reminisce upon the past,
therein finding the reaason behind every occurence of importance.
I've never been the most hardy of people.
But despite all of the walls obscurring my path,
I have somehow endured, and so I shall continue to do.

She laughs
That I'm being insecure
About being conceited
A paradox if anything

my black arms
black enough to be infinite
all colors combined to create blackness
the darkest of all things

these black coils that sprout out
sprout slowly
sprout curly
sprout insecurely
bouncy like the wires that we find under trampolines
bouncy bouncy bouncing
on these springs that sprout of my head
she pulled one and watched it spring back to its original position

lips brighter than roses
pink with the kiss of illumination
radiating with fullness as they sit on the blackness that is my face

"está es tu replica"
my twin whose skin is the blackest
her hair made of wires
lips pink as carnations
her dress the color of the sky
I find irony that her dress is day and she is night

A figurine that is my twin
A reminder this is what she knew me as before she knew me
This is who I'll be after she's known me

I am black the infinite night sky that is infinite enough to intrude on day

Moving horizons
seem to gorge the visuals,
alongside cumulus clouds that pre-shadows the destination,
on scraped knees even the shoreline dissipates with the impervious vista,
at times the night air feels insecurely ballast,
how can we be said
to be truly safe?
when the vestige Cities
mourn with the tiresomeness of the beaten track.

All the songs we played,
I thought they were about us.
All the stories they told,
I thought they reminded you of me.
All my walls, I let crumble
and I replayed those songs
like a storm and an anthem.
I dreamt of when they had meaning

Signs you never saw and
I was blindsided by the call so
my walls did crumble,
but I never let them fall.

I can now hear the wind mumble
I don't need its protection anymore.

Collecting items, slamming doors
and the plans you ignored

We were supposed to keep the time,
Carry the tune,
Rest our worried minds,
We were never supposed to outlast the changing seasons
and I can't disregard your reasons.

I can sleep alone
and I can follow a trail while
I continue to roam.
You always walked without creativity
and moved like a chain of reactivity.

I just wanted to loosen one chain
because you carry all the blame
that colors your past
and trickles like beads of sweat down
the mask
of your ship that you sail
insecurely with pride
and all along,
my expectation was simply
that I was just along for the ride

I had no destination in mind
and in my forced leave
I unraveled the weave

The beautiful mess
we created a life around
and the happiness we found
terrified and drained you.

I forgot that when I met you,
I already knew.
How you needed your chains
you needed the pain.

So you poison sun beams
and search for darkness in summer afternoons

Sectioning your life into hotel rooms
and that little rain cloud that looms
and follows you into every room
I thought were trying to escape,
but I learned it was more of a cape
or a badge you displayed
of past roads you have paved
and followed to a beginning
that was was supposed to be new,
but you live in repetition.

Thinking resolution is found
in the color blue.
All along missing the patterns of mistakes
and the souls you slowly crack then break.

There is no way to find restoration
in this healing process without a destination.
but I know I can't compete
or point out those grainy mistakes
that create a sandy wake
you travel in front of

I could feel your love
but it was true to the darkness
We were just tangled in a mess of lies
from the moment we met
you wanted to unravel every sun rise
but had given up on it by sunset.

you are not sure
insecurity imprisons
between doing and not doing
but do not fear
no creative genius emerged
from blind confidence
it is the unsure artist
who tinkers and questions
that creates beauty
and yet
carries on insecurely

you came over for Christmas
but my love
none really.
Even when you're not here

But I promise to be collected
sorry.
halloween
how i spent
use it
remember when
and cannot
for once
I wanna kiss and hug you when youre sad.
myself
if i could
Wipe your face
the thing
Promise me a forever
for what i did.
now that it's over
and we both
When will they leave.

for nobody to see

but i can't bring myself
getting a costume ready
content
regrets
you can have it
my heart did love
You're beautiful no matter what mood you're in
sweet

i need
i wish none of it had happened
remember when
non stop
It flourishes on its own;
and i am
i had finally
from getting hurt
to go out
Here are some tissues,
apathy.
remember when
to me,
the one person
so happy
nothing
in hopes
Hold me down i know your stronger
giving me
stupid mistakes
maybe
to get hurt
from contacting you

bad decisions
Where are you?
Girls sometimes get stuck with destruction
worry
so i tried to push myself
wallow
Its because there is nothing that is bad.
remember
Here is my shoulder,
I don't look forward, I keep looking back

Then it must be maintained.
to other people
They revolve around serious issues;

I feel you by my side
over the person i love

Someday it will be too late - no way to run from you

While our love grows older.
again.

with nobody
Pressure tight
ANOTHER POEM YOU WON'T READ
I should've listened to you.
with someone
a second
not that you care.
over my mistakes
be with you
Of thing that could never fade.
not a
Only now I'm realizing I ******* up the most by losing you
I've grown ten more feet, strong fresh shoots.
i hoped
Every couple fights,
chance.
that i selfishly
i am not

because i am

what i would lose
and i came over
To the good times we ever had
not that it matters,
I wanna poke your cheeks,
i hope i get my **** together too.
We get put here because we come to think that is all we amount to
it makes me want
to give my love
i soiled
there's no excuse
but i'm rotten
and anytime my phone buzzed
Girls don't want guys who abuse them
For love is something
i would go back to december
and when you're happy,
we were *******
I can never be alone
i didn't catch
in sight
i want to tell you why
to love me
i did catch her?
Cease it shall not,
and play hearthstone
for what i did.
thoughtful
none.
remember
It is okay to cry,
to.
Through and through.
That cannot be taught.
and snuggled
i do love you,
Wipe your face,
and spoil everything

but i need
I will bleed it
you loved it

who are interested in me
and try
only reason i can give
some day tomorrow.
i miss
Trying to get warm

you say something to me
and make myself
I want to be so warm
in some subconscious attempt
i would go back to last week
Girls don't want guys that just use them
those times.
Guys sometimes can't handle construction
with a bunch of pillows
So your eyes will dry.
i felt

to snuggle with it
achieved
staying warm

Look at all the clones
messaging me.
sure
i can be
or sleep with it.
remember
Dirt
of doing something good

Lean on me now and forever,

for you
you moved for the first time

to break down
for my own insecurities
your reaction

i had been working on
jigglypuff
but it's not love
E(motion)al
i have men
Guys don't want girls who act ******
Bite into the bone,
bought me that giant

i miss you
didn't want
just
and my mom
That is very true,
when we first met
how i would sit on your bed
no success
it was you
and insecurely
and tell myself
now
Can you laden my bones?
Lean on it always,
tell me you want to die
How bold it is;
snuggling
if i could
Here are some tissues.
and tell myself
that are to keep me
it is yours
who loved me
You're  locked in my heart, Forever...
However, it is the type
I should've left all the negative in my life and quit drinking, smoking, stealing.

to keep myself
Needing you
i don't want you, i don't need you, but i have to
Just scream it,

It is okay to cry,
that is the
but when
I can't repeat myself an longer

of my depression

for months
Where have you gone.
i hope i stop treating people like this.
i am alone
my shiny
i took it home with me
and slept on your floor


you'll never fall behind.
Laden my bones hold me down my dear spouse.
and we made a nest
Our obstacles are no burden,
you were actually
Here are some tissues,
Can you laden my bones
it may seem like i don't care

i didn't think
the walls i've built
should have known
i can't
thats when i make mistakes.
Skeleton Love
we loved it
occupying myself
I'm breaking breaking away from the roots
was so sweet
Scrape it along the break
know that.

and we couldn't get enough of each other
perfectly
who i do not have anymore
i don't have motivation to do it,
Anchor me to home
to delete his number
i hope i grow up too.

if you want.
the summer
then.
fuzzy blanket?

so much money
other than
and tickle you when you're mad.
distractions.

i was so upset
and i don't deserve it.
Baby, it is okay to cry,
but worse than that
most of the time
with your own marrow
Guys don't want girls that get glitchy
with other interests
and i could still

does not want them
Fill my hollow
So your eyes will dry.
Crying Eyes
can't seem to look me in the eye
kind

i have nobody
And watch it climb the side of our old house

Sitting up there bright and bold
My feet stand insecurely bare
Bigger than our earthly hold
It's hard to break from the stare

Feeling the pull of its weight
Captivates with such control
Like a fish brought in with good bate
It drives and questions, what is the soul?

Connected
Is what I want us to be
I should give us the chance
No running away

The confidence we'll need
We'll find
If this is what will happen.
I just want to trust
In your eyes
I will meet my fears
And go beyond

It's gonna be worth it
To show you my tears
Fall into your arms
I want this
But it only will happen
If it's supposed to.
I can't force it, you know.
Though I can stay present for us
And believe in the best outcome.
I'd never want to hurt you ever
Trust me
How you feel does matter
To me

I am afraid
And shaking insecurely
Can you bear my unaware times
Can you hold me when I am almost breaking in 1000 tears...
Biting together my teeth
Caring about what every body thinks..

I am honestly afraid
To get lost in somebody else's eyes
But if that's what is supposed to happen
Then I guess it will
...
Guess there's a part of me
That's searching for someone else
To fall for
And that part I have tried to ignore
But I'll try and accept it after all
Otherwise it'll always be there...
I know it's hard to trust
When I tell you these things
When I share everything....
Is it fair?

I still think I could get to know you better
Every time I tried to listen to you
You showed your true self
Opened up I guess..
I might be too confused and distracted by my own self all the time..

I won't be sorry but I struggle on the inside.
Will I be able to transform myself?
Though then it won't be for you...
Nor for nobody else.
I have to do it for myself.
Cause otherwise the lesson will come again... It will repeat itself.

That's it. I'm done passively digesting all of this garbage. it's time to stand up and start doing. Stop whining, stop blaming the things you don't like about your life on other people (Muslims, Republicans, Liberals, Rich People, Young People etc). The world is not unchangeable, and instead of bemoaning how powerless you are to change it, take action. We all have the power to make this life more than it is, and it doesn't start in the halls of Congress, it doesn't begin with other groups conforming to fit your world view, it begins with YOU. Today, right here, right now, YOU have the power to influence the world around you in a positive, meaningful way. Even though it doesn't seem like it, real change starts with the individual, deep inside, an active decision to not accept things as they are and to take part in changing them for the better. The same old human frailties and insecurities are the REAL opposition. Not the people who want to come here and live better lives, not the people who want the violence to end, not the people who go to church on Sundays, not the people who just want a chance to see their children prosper and be left to live their lives. Many of you will say,"BUT that's exactly what WE want! It's those OTHERS that won't leave us be, so we have to be reactionary to DEFEND ourselves." That is complete ******* and you know it. It's bad logic and it's the kind of crap governments have been using to justify wars of aggression since the dawn of civilization. Hate, Greed, Fear, Jealousy, these are our real enemies, and all the actions we take that are based on them are invariably marred by their origin. With the whole country choosing sides, and trying to force me to choose one or the other, I refuse. I don't accept either party's world view, I will NEVER accept the xenophobia and horror that they propagate to further themselves. Their ONLY purpose is to make us believe that WE NEED THEM, but in fact it is we who should reflect on just how absolutely THEY NEED US. Now, I'm not asking any more of you than I do of myself. I don't expect people to drop everything and go start a revolution, or to become monks and attain Nirvana, or whatever highest attenuation of your belief system. What I do expect, is for all of us to remember that we have unimaginable power to affect those around us in our daily lives, just by simply giving hope and encouragement, by building each other up, instead of insecurely hoarding affection because we think there's not enough of it. Don't be discouraged, don't believe the lies that are fed you everyday about your fellow humans and their intentions, don't ever forget that WE MAKE THE WORLD AS WE SEE FIT, SO DON"T MAKE IT ******. Times are dark, but the odds aren't insurmountable by any means, there is real, positive action that can be taken, workable solutions that can be achieved. I hope to see you on the other side.
‪#‎AUTONOMYNOW‬

Numb?
No actually better already,
Painful?
halfway, not full I suppose.
Thought I was so very aware,
Turned out, I didn't know half of the truth.

Fears chasing me, yet again.
And I try to stay in the moment,
Maybe that was the mistake,
I held on to it, with force.

I was convinced, my inner state,
Must feel all pure and harmonious,
Every time I have made it into the
Present moments.
But very possible I was wrong,
And I covered my fears with an image,
Of how I would think,
A moment in human's life should feel.

Sounds bit complicated, I know.
But I know what I talk about.
I am tired of hiding the unpleasant,
I better live with, not without it.

In fact without it, that's not possible.
At least till I have cleared it up.
It can't disappear, it's emotional,
And I used to cover it up.

It was a part of my perfect thinking,
I idealized myself,
In my view, I am a real warrior,
A hero for the weak and dead,
I put this expectation on myself,
I carried it around like a shield,
And though no arrow really got to me,
I still got traumatized, stopped to feel.
In fact behind the shield I was just hiding,
I hid my fears, my worries beneath,
I am still very sure that they're my weaknesses,
I tried to be different, and the result was this.

I truly stopped to feel real pain,
I fell to ashes and got up again,
But through the journey,
I lost who I was,
And my humanity got lost.

Now I am standing here,
My shield, still in my hand,
But I have made a hole,
To look through it instead.

I am not ready to uncover,
How damaged I am underneath,
I am not ready to discover,
My truth and my uncertainties.

I'm wounded, but I am alive.
I see it although I still hide,
Under the shield,
A perfect game,
The sun, the rain,
They're all the same,
No light comes in,
And storms stay outside,
But I am here to live,
And I have to decide,
Can I let the illusion go,
Am I ready to meet with my soul,
Am I ready to show the world,
Who I am and who I'm actually not?

Truly, I didn't even know,
I held this shield through it all,
I just saw it in my hand and realized,
I am not as much a hero, as I fantasized.

In fact I feel really hurt and blind,
For the waking up is cutting within
At the same time I realize,
It is time to let life and light in.

It is a very small, though heavy step to make.
I am still shaking insecurely, I have fears.
I need more courage now,
Than I ever had,
And I'm glad, that now I understand that.

Back to the wall
Music playing
Something slowly arising
Preparing me to fall

Light and giddy
Swaying and saying
Words which stumble out
Sloshing and without
A drop of sense

Fingers tapping each tiny letter
Attempting to convey
The strangeness taking over
Wondering if it would get any better

Alas, it only gets worse
Before it gets better

Lying on the floor
Limbs stretched and curling back in
Laughter erupting in bursts from within
Wild, untamed and oh, what more
What more did come?

A loss of time,
All left in fog
Alone and lightly afraid
Yet thoughtless
Like a small child hearing a rhyme

Fragments
Moments of time
Glimpses into memory
Much left unseen

Slipping into sleep
In my head did I weep
For what I do not know
Kneading the carpet insecurely like dough

Awakened not an hour later
Stiff and unsure
Climbing to my bed
To rest my confused head.

- Jay M
September 6th, 2020

so what's a pornhub?
lies every man alive

for shame

and what are we really like?
(in the dark)
hides everything breathing

insecurely

and what do we really want?
(as a question)
always complicates bartering

and *******

so how do i really feel?
and for a dollar i might tell you

why eye contact's endangered
why shame's a commodity
why so many of us humans
        seem so ******* petty
                 so ******* empty

but i don't think i need to
(as you already know)
      . . . about that

I get so scared.

Because I always **** up. Over attached insecurely depressed and you'll leave by the time that you figure this mess.

I get so anxious.

Because you're all so intimidading. With your arms and your hands and the scents of these men and I try to stop fantasising of it but I can't.

I get so weak.

Because I give you my spark. And I loose all my strength to the thought of a man loving me for the things that I no longer am.

I never liked any of you.
I just love doubting myself.

You are a slave to that refrigerator
Rummaging its contents for your self-worth
consolation beckoning from its abundant shelves
You're in a relationship with that refrigerator
insecurely quelling yourself with the emptiness of the jarred-full shelves
You break up, you make up
starve-binge, starve-binge
yet absent in every bite and every purge is your self-love and self-worth
spirits do not hush at the flavor of delicacies
and with every neglected rumble, it shrinks more
your soul is broader than endless contents
and starved for complete contentment
not for empty contents
You mean more than the solid handles of that refrigerator
learn your worth.

No one would notice me before
but now they all stare at me
Is it because I weigh so much more
and my big belly they can see ?

Maybe I look like some most wanted ?
or is there a halo above my head ?
by these questions I'm often haunted
as I insecurely tread

Perhaps it's only my imagination
that I'll never understand
as I walk back to my car from the petrol station
with five hot dogs in my hand

Your love terrifies me.
The second you touch me, through words or with hands,
I solidify like a marble muse placed on a pedestal
To forever hold its pose.
A muse scared of being judged by its audience.

I'm afraid of your love.
I think I know that it is so powerful it could help me, and
I have grown too comfortable in my sadness.
Sadness and sequestration, they are my comfort zone.
That is why you are scary.

I get so tense every time.
Every time you offer yourself or see me for who I am,
Each muscle in my body turns to glass and I
Breathe in sharply before holding my lungs.
Why are you still here?
Why haven’t you gone?

Knives are falling around me and you
Hold a shield above my body.
Can I trust you? You trust me.
Can I trust you with my mind, though?
Because if I let you in and you let me down,
I will be shattered.

In your palm I could safely be held,
But I’m slippery and I know it.
Partially and insecurely I sit like
A crumpled piece of paper hidden under layers of skin.
I crouch in the fetal position to protect from any external attack,
But I can’t hide from myself.

My love, you are an unstoppable force.
The power of your big and beautiful heart carries you.
I only wish I were whole enough to embrace you.

It’s like
You get close to it
Make the most
Boast of it
Gloat prematurely
Expecting a raise
But demote insecurely
Your capital gain
You’re worth less
In the game
And identify solely
With figures
Of fame
But attain
Ultimately
No dividends paid
Just a diffident
Dissonance
Caught in the rain
Just an incident
Waiting to happen
In shame
And of innocence
Soaking in sin
Your soul stained
And of fortunes untold
For blood sold
You are blamed
Until all you can do
Cut your losses
And run
Come to terms
With the zeroes and ones
You’ve become