Hello,
It's been a while since I've tried to do this.
I've been hesitant to even try this,
But life is getting a little more tough-
More tough than I can bear to handle.
I often struggle to figure out what is wrong with me,
But there are a lot of things that I am concerned about.
So,
Here are my concerns, so far:
-I'm afraid that I'm going to fail
Just like,
Anything that I pursue.
A class,
A test,
A paper,
Even a homework assignment.
Failure is a huge fear of mine,
And everyone else's,
So I'm trying to brush it off.
But it's lingering there,
I feel as if I am destined to be a failure.
-I'm afraid I'll be alone forever
Everyone else has fun,
Everyone else has friends that they hang around with,
On a regular basis.
I have no one anymore.
-I'm afraid I have no purpose
There are so many people,
That know what they want to do,
And what they have to do in order to get what they want.
All of these people,
Have eons of experience compared to me,
And I'm just a speck of dust,
That will probably remain a speck of dust.
-I'm afraid to lose contact with my loved ones
I never initiate conversation,
Because I feel like no one would care either way.
I feel like an inconvenience to so many people,
So I figure better to not connect at all.
But, this poses a problem:
I am rapidly losing my relationships with many people.
Friends,
My mother,
My father,
My siblings.
-I'm afraid of my deteriorating health
Mentally,
And physically.
Mentally,
I am down-spiraling.
I feel like I don't belong here,
Living in this world.
Physically,
There is so much wrong with me.
My legs hurt every day,
And I'm only eighteen.
-I'm afraid to lose the love of my life
This, selfishly, is my primary concern.
I have found the most wonderful person,
Someone that truly fits with me.
They are so amazing,
But I fear that I will lose them quite soon.
Of course,
I am concerned about freak accidents and all,
But I am more concerned about me messing things up.
I don't do enough for them,
And I feel awful all of the time for being less than great to them.
It *****,
Because they're the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.
If I lose them,
I'm losing my life,
My vitality.

So, there are a few of my biggest concerns.
Of course,
These can be broken down into even more concerns,
And there are far more to be mentioned.
But this is an introduction
To why I'm a mess.

Father Time stood undefeated.
Bonds came close, but Barry Cheated.
Roger Clemens had a career for the ages
but oft fell prey to roid based rages.
Mariano Rivera was a more worthy foe
No pharmacological freak was Mo.
He threw one pitch, his control well learned,
and he chose to leave on his own terms.
I stood up and joined the cheers
the day Rivera last appeared
and, though I wept to see him go,
Time would never lay him low.
Mo Struck out Time, he had it cooking
A called third strike that left Time looking
like Beltran caught in the bright lights
good morning, good Evening and Good NIGHT!

I need touch
but not of any kind.
I need the gentle one
filled with tenderness and love.
It is so hard to tell
for it means admitting
the ache in my chest
clenching tight.
I need to let myself feel it.
I don't want to get numb,
not again.

I feel so vulnerable.
Fragile.
Like porcellain.
Lying still in silence,
calmly crying tears.
They carry my hurt,
my loneliness.
At the same time
they carry the knowledge
that I am indeed
loved.

I am scared,
scared that by telling this
you are going to let me
slip.
A fragile child
shattering on the ground.
Rejected once again,
old scars reopening.
It's too much to bear.
It just hurts so much.
Rejected,
lonely once more.

So if i reach out for you
please don't freak out,
I'm not in love
nor am I a stalker
but a part of me is hurting
and i want it to heal.

I need touch,
a tender caress,
the warmth of skin
so comforting.
Please hold me close,
don't let go.
I feel so exposed,
nothing left to hide behind.

Please don't turn away,
I'm standing here,
so insecure,
soul stripped of all armor.

And I'm scared.

i blame a lot.
i blame myself
i blame the people around me
i blame the people that left me
i blame this town
i blame my family
i blame
i blame
i blame.

but what if no one is to blame.
what if this actually is just some freak of nature
and this is just how the universe plays out
a sick dance of broken family trees
a pageant frilled up
for all the soul ******* humans
to see
and partake
maybe i was meant to be awake
maybe sleep isn't for me
for a reason
maybe i'm supposed to be the alive one
maybe dying makes you breathe
maybe i'm just not seeing
what i'm supposed to see
maybe everything is backwards
like my sister's overalls
at her backwards birthday party
when we were
three
maybe
maybe
maybe...

maybe destruction is actually


d       e             s              t             i      n         y

You gave your splendour
I watched TV
You gave your nobility
I fought for me
You gave your honour
I bought my pride
You gave your majesty
I lied

You gave your power
I failed to speak
You gave your glory
I called you a freak
You gave your dignity
I walked by
You gave your all
I gave nothing
Nothing at all.

He paints his lips with **** hot pink,
Mum, please, it's not what you think!
Now go and wash your face in the sink!
Tears now pour with every blink.

His nails shine bright red,
but he's a man born and bred.
What on Earth would his father have said?
He'd scrub it off til his fingers bled.

His skin is tanned gentle light orange,
there is no way he can ever change,
the ones who think he can are somewhat deranged.
There is no other life up for exchange.

He dyes his hair sunshine yellow,
to make a change, someone might say 'hello.'
But 'go away you freak' is just what they bellow,
spitting words at him that are colder than snow.

His tight t-shirt is luscious grass green,
he's over those ****** for being so mean.
This clever, funny and gorgeous queen,
is the most confident he has ever been!

His bright eyes are turquoise,
and he only has them for other boys.
Who gives a **** about all the killjoys?
It won't be him who feels destroyed.  

His jacket looks dapper in navy blue.
You've got insults for him? Then join the queue!
He's found his man and their love is true.
Their social acceptance is way overdue.

On their wedding day the theme was violet,
they danced and kissed and fed each other chocolate.
They overcame hatred from mindless idiots,
and from this they found a love that is endlessly passionate.

Sometimes we have to go through hell just to understand were alive.
In that case I am doing great I do suppose .
I have seen friends vanish lost a website I created and ran for many a year lost readers and lost my mind on more than one occasion.

Sprinkle in a very bad accident on a motorcycle and you have the ingredients for a bang up year.

I find people are delusional when it comes to writing .
They think a contract means your life all the sudden changes for the better ,When in truth it is just the end of one struggle and the beginning of the next.

Problems never end but with any change there are just new problems .

My life is a ******* train wreck and I have played that full throttle lifestyle to my advantage for far to long .
But it was never a act there is nothing fake about me .

I live for I know every moment is uncertain and in that understanding I embrace every second.
Few people truly know me they either know what they have herd or simply make up the rest .

You cant waste time over the ignorant for as soon as you knock one down there are fifteen more standing in that fools exact same place.

**** them if they don't get you .

I have found more comfort in a night spent under the stars than in the company of those who would tell you there good intentions while placing a knife to your spine.

I'm a *******, a drunk ,A fool ,I am whatever you choose to label me
but I am always a hundred percent real .

Those who preach those who try to pretend they would point you in the right direction are full of pure crap .
I cant lead me so ******* if you think I could even begin to help you.

My road has taken me so far from everything I once thought I held dear.
Twisted my logic and weather beaten my soul.
Maybe I'm ****** up from life but no worse than the image that stares at you in the mirror you refuse to truly see so you place the labels on others .

Whatever make 's you feel less of a freak sweetheart is fine by me.


I  found that it's always uphill when you don't settle for what's there.
I never did listen worth a **** and I dam sure wont buy into someone else's ******* I would rather be a fool to my own guidance.

Take this as you will.

Sincerely  

Gonzo

The storm is brewing and it's peaceful in here
There are laughs to be heard, somewhere
and it's peaceful in here
When the wind hits, it's contained
shelved books turn to tatters in my brain

musicals lyricals questioned insane
was the girl who slid down the mountain and landed in shame
at the foot of the grave of the days that made gains
at the back of her head, memories plated in fox fires and red
cheeks
creeps
cheap - you gotta be to survive, sometimes,
right? Freak?

Strum, I'll strum my fingers numb
or teach myself how
Now
The window is breaking under the pressure
A million pieces of my heart are plastered on the walls,
on the floor, in my calls
lost to the no ones I shouted to

Pillows
Things to grasp onto
Holes to tip-toe-topple into
What have you got to lose?
said the girl in the straightjacket whose
shards of hair flew past your periphery
like diamonds shattering in the moonlight

out of sight
out of sight
what is sight?
I heard a shriek-

stricken sighs
eyes
eyes
i's

Stop predicting bad things.
Blink.
Step forward or you'll sink.

The air is around us
The air is surrounding you, you're alone
The world is around me, am I home?
openness - vast, deep, incomprehensible
swallowed my stencils and connected
my pencils to paper and then

opening my mind to the stars
'thank you' spoken softly
unguided but for the shadows cast
on the ground by the clouds

ghouls glittered in the moonlight and
drifted into the cedars

I had the chance to stay alive
we ran but, I fell twice
I didn't see the one lurking at the end of my drive

It was an old one an surprised me completely
my hand went up to stop the teeth
but it sunk down on my wrist ever so quickly

I got away but now I greatly fear
that the virus will spread
maybe by a freak chance I will be free and clear

should I tell the others I start to wonder
I know if it was me I would shoot them in the head
But I am so embarrassed by my total blunder

If I lay and wait I could endanger the others
It will creep up on me and spread
My people are close we are like brothers

My life would have been saved with an amputation
My indecision has my life hanging from a thread
Now I live in total frustration.

I need to get a gun to end it all
or some way to successfully behead
right now I am up against a wall

Dahling you tease
you can't possibly be so innocent,
can you?
Those green eyes and lavish locks
oh girl you must have a closet full of rotting corpses,
wrought iron skeletons,
but no?
You don't put out?
You don't go down on the first date?
You don't even kiss?
Well little lady
I don't know whether to pity or help you
and your clean little ******
I bet their white, right?
You say you are only waiting,
only respecting yourself,
or are you afraid?
Too perfect to make a mistake with the wrong boy,
get a bad grade,
a blemish for not removing make up at night
let alone spend one with a male,
all sweaty and attractive, he probably has a tattoo
never been to church in years
but that turns you on right?
Maybe you should loosen up your chastity belt a bit
let the blood flow between your legs
let the possibilities of torrential disaster enter and intrigue,
but you can't do that
can you
control freak?
Can't be happy
only antiseptic and old
counting down the days until retirement
so you can look back and say
**** I never knew fun.

Have you ever prepped for a colonoscopy?
That's what I get to do today.
It means no solid food for me;
Clear broth will be my entrée.

I get to drink as much water
And juice as I want; but there's a catch:
The constant need of a toilet nearby--
A slight downside to "Down the hatch!"

Another rule: I must not let
Anything RED pass through my mouth.
Apparently, red things tend to
Cause confusion…well…down "south."

When passing by the bakery window
Where freshly-baked sweets are lying,
I know it will be torture for me
To hear my stomach growling and crying.

I do get to eat popsicles--
That is, as long as they aren't red.
Maybe I can just pretend
That they're tacos or pizza instead.

I have to STOP thinking about food.
I know my hunger pains won't last
Forever, and I can always say
I'm on a liquid and popsicle fast.

When the real clean-out starts
Later in the afternoon,
That's when the fun REALLY begins!
Help! I want this over soon!

I will spare you those details.
Just know that more adventures follow.
I'll be relieved after this prep
And my trip to the surgery center tomorrow.

(But let me warn you: I really don't
Mean to freak you out, but
Don't worry if it feels as though
You're peeing out of your you-know-what!)

The actual procedure is not that bad--
Once I get through today and tonight.
I won't feel or remember a thing;
Hopefully, I'll be out like a light.

The doctor is also performing an upper
G.I. endoscopy. I strongly hope
That when he does it, he is certain
That he's using a different scope.

Too much information? Maybe.
But if you've never done this, you
At least know all the wonderful things
You have to look forward to.

- by Bob B

I know we all feel it
When we find ourselves
In this situation.

A sense of peace.

It washes over us
In a cool rush.
We realize that we're alone
with our thoughts,
Our family,
Our books.

No cell service,
No gps,
No radio.
Completely.
Alone.

Some panic
without their technology
Some freak out
because they're not "connected".

I relish this peace.
I relish it with a gratitude
One that I can't find anywhere else.

Peace and quiet.

This is long overdue.
Never past its prime.
Always easily welcomed.

But the knowledge is always there
That this peace has to end
Eventually.

Just a few more minutes
Please.

Today I forgot to practice
My parents noticed
They told me
I should have practiced and
Not have made cards
Thank you cards for
My beloved teachers
Whom I love so much
But I can't tell them
With my voice

I went into my room
Ran and closed the door
Felt the guilt heave in me
I want to throw up on the floor

I want to cut myself
Hurt myself
Avoid the light of day
Never go back to my beloved string camp
Not tomorrow or any day

I feel ashamed for forgetting
I feel horrible and weak
I feel like nothing more
Than an ugly freak

Someone with no talent
Or physical beauty
Or a voice to describe this guilt

I know this guilt is unnecessary
But why do I feel it in me?
I haven't killed anyone
Or done anything agains the law

I just sacrificed some time
To make these lovely cards
Or are they even beautiful?
It was my sacrifice to make
Please don't rub it in
It already hurts
Anyway the day isn't over
Which is why I'm here with
My violin
My best friend
Who never talks but sings

I pick up my violin
And go through several songs
My back hurts
I've already played for 4 hours today
At camp
But when I'm done
The guilt is still there
It won't let go

Why

Why

Why

Just minding my own business
Standing in a line
With a basket full of shopping
In a headspace that was mine
When suddenly a voice piped up

'What you cooking love?!'

And being kind
I turned around
And stood gazing from above ....

Upon a short & greasy man
Who's eyes were firmly fixed
To the swelling of my *****
He really was transfixed!
I cleared my throat and said 'hello'
In an attempt to raise
That shiny head with thinning hair
From it's penetrating gaze

'Well I'm cooking chicken'
I said without a beat

'That's a shame' came his reply
'coz I don't really eat meat'

'This is for my family'
My response was firm & clear

'So you're not inviting me then?'
He said - without raising an ear

'Well no not really'I replied
Turning my back again
And then tap tap upon my arm
Hard enough to cause some pain
And so being well bought up
I turned again to face
This strange companion in my wait
To get out of this place

'I think you're very pretty'
He said - not raising up his head

'Ummm Thank you' I returned
Whilst fiddling with my bread

'So you know what really bugs me?'
He spat with quite some venom
'This thing that girls have got
Wearing double denim...'
'And all of these tattoos they have
Do they really think
That men find it attractive?'

Well - I didn't stop to think

I slowly turned my back again
And quietly pulled down a sleeve
And removed my arms one by one
Not wishing to deceive
And revealed in all its glory
The ink across my back
And glanced across my shoulder
To watch his fast backtrack...

I wear my self expression
Emblazoned on my skin
I am inked & I am proud
I'm not going to keep it hidden
So my advice to you is this my friends
If a date is what you seek
Talk to my face
Don't be rash
And don't call me a freak!!

(C) Pixievic 2016

Funny, how like
A freak she felt
Not knowing if she knew
How to love
How to give
From outside appearances
She was seen as
Quite nice –
How often deceiving
One’s appearances can be
As she lost herself
Behind a façade
Only ever seeing the
Ugliness
She hears the
Endless scream
Of her soul
No longer can she
Feel that pain
Lost, she no longer
Knows herself
She only sees
The façade
Though, deep down
She knows there must be more
She does not know how
To strip herself
Of her mask
And sorrow infuses
Her body and soul
As she seeks
A way out of the
Chains of her
Self deceit

Kelly Rose
December 27, 2015

running, laughter, heart break, suicide, born again, hopped up, multiply, try to fly, freak of nature, loved one, skinned knee, bold as che, blood on it all, can't stop the fall, rock bottom, ocean floor, math class , chocolate girl, stumbling, feelings hurt, crying alone, worthless drone, time to go,wipe it away, skipping, flying, sleeping, hugging, yelling, screaming, thumping, stupid thoughts, drunken tears, eternal lovers, cut down trees, life, darkness, dumb stuff, broken soul, god help us all.

Sanity
fragile

My mind devours
& cowers in place
Of reason
Of forgetting

Another Bad Day
& I'm off
& gone again
& again I can't breathe
But I have someone with me
this time
To keep at bay
what monsters
have hid away

Help me apathy
Help me hero War
Help me to be
Keep away the thoughts
the suicide
the unholy matrimony

of sanity
and the reason
beyond reason

Treason of the brain
Goes like this

Slit the froat
Go like this
Shake the breeze
Go like this
Eat the ****
Go like this
Go like ******
Go like fleas
Go Away

A mocking gesture
& words like me
Freak me out

Anxiety of today
Go like this

The story about the man
Who was so lonely
And craved human touch
That he skinned people alive
And turned them into furniture
Isn't as morbid as you thought it was
Because we humans smoke away the pain
And drink away the misery
Yet that's just as crazy as the man with a human lamp shade
Because we would rather hide in our own guilt
Than share a cup of coffee with a friend
And call the lonely serial killer a "freak"
While watching the morning news
All by yourself

I didn't have a voice- theirs were enough
I didn't reach for connections- their touch was enough
I didn't smile at the sun- their happiness took up all of the room
I didn't listen to silly stories- their tales were enough
I was labeled- freak

now their wheeling me away


blue and white lights dance in the street
facing the sky
I listen to their silence- finally
I smile- for myself
I touch my hand to the rhythm of my heart beat- I'm alive
I finally whisper, "I'm free"

I kissed daniel because
he made me feel like a little girl
and that's all I've ever wanted to stay.
I kissed him because
he made me feel like a live wire,
ready to sizzle
and pop
and maybe **** someone.
We can only hope.
I kissed him hard,
I kissed him wet
so I could feel the spit
break between our lips.
I kissed him good
and fast against the wall.
I kissed him goodnight
I kissed him good bye

2. He got me so high I coughed and drool came out of my mouth and
his friend asked
"hey.... Um are you okay?"
And I shook my head no,
but they didn't really care anyway.  And I walked down the long hallway in my tiny shorts so they could both see the sway of my ***,
the sway in the walk of someone
who has gone entirely mad.

3. Daniel said 37 is his last real year before he hits middle age.
And he's halfway through it.
And I'm turning 19 next month
and he says that's where the real fun is cause that means I've had a year
of adulthood to figure my **** out
and I've still decided to be a *****.
He says 19 will be my real slutty year, the year I turn this bag of meat
and bones into a **** star.
He says I'll always be the best.
He says I'll make it real real big.
He says he will watch me
******* another man while he's ******* someone else
in the next town he goes to

4. Daniel said I was evil.
I told him he was a horrible person and he pinned me down
and did the things horrible people do.
I asked him why he thought I was evil and he said he can see it in my eyes. Real cold and mean,
oh **** it's a real nice gleam.
Like sharpened knives and laughter when a chalkboard screeches.
He says I'll die within next year if I keep living like I am.
I guess he doesn't believe me
when I say I just really don't care.

5.
Bad girl bad girl sad girl they say.
Like how I can't make eye contact
and malls freak me out.
How I don't care how fast I drive my car cause I've got places to be,
like nowhere.
Knives don't scare me,
in fact,
cut me so I can show you how good
I am at not flinching.
Pull my hair and
pin my down and
I'll show you a good time babe,
cause this feels like love if
you're good enough at pretending. They call it self destruction,
I call it preservation.

****
fuckfuckfuck

you know
six years ago
i was a freak
a ******

but then you got ****** up too
and now i can be cool

**** that
you made me what i am
i wont change for you

when i die
im dying a freak
a ******

a dead loser
with your heart

He always wears longs sleeves
And anyone who tries to be friendly to him
He pushes away
He isolates himself
I've never seen him with friends
I gave him my number
He didn't text me back
I wonder if there is a reason behind it all
Why he likes to live alone, in silence
I'm going on the same trip as him
Late in the year
Should I try to get into his head
Try to talk to him
And unravel him?
Break down his walls?
I'd like to try
I'm not afraid
Of finding his inner demons behind the walls
I have my own
I'm not afraid
But I'm afraid
It isn't my place
Or that he will be angry with me
For trying to melt his steel walls
If I fail
If he doesn’t let me in
Is it worth a try?
Will it seem too stalkerish
If I try to break down his walls?
It never hurts to knock
But it hurts if they open the door
Just long enough to hurt you
Then shut you out again
I don’t know
What do you think?




Please comment and let me know your opinion. I need advice on that.
He is really attractive but beyond that he fascinates me. I liked him the moment I saw him. He plays violin and basketball and I really want to get to know him but I am scared and I am worried he will freak out that I am being creepy and insistent after I gave him my number and he didn’t text me back. (Although it is unconfirmed that he owns a cellphone and I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t) I have heard of other girls who tried to talk to him but he was pretty standoffish and they all gave up on him. Should I give up too?

There's this stigma that being mentally ill isn't equivalent to being physically ill.
And I just wonder how can that be, because they both seem like a sickness to me.
Who taught you that a chemical imbalance in the brain is the medical way to say that you're insane?
Who taught you that being too tired to will yourself out of bed is only  because you're lazy?
Who taught you that having mixed emotions essentially means you're crazy.
Who taught you that starving yourself because you think you look fat is seeking for attention.
Who taught you that you're exaggerating if you say you have depression.
Who made you so blind that you couldn't see all the struggling people around you.
Simply because mental illness isn’t as easy to spot as something like the flu.

Because you can't see it and because you can't catch it, it doesn't mean that it's not there.
I mean you can't see or touch it but would you say there's no such thing as air?
You can't see it or touch it but would you say there isn't wind.
And if you are a believer you can't see God or touch him but you still believe he exists.
So then why do you need evidence and proof to think that mental illnesses are real issues.
Why do you think it's people over exaggerating, what if it happened to you.

Mental illness is so common but it's treated as if it’s some rare disease.
It’s in your friend groups, your household, your school, all around but unseen.
A major problem for the LGBTQ plus.
Yet people always question why they’re making such a fuss.

When you are bullied and assaulted for who you love and how you dress, it’s no wonder this leads to unmanageable stress.

Why do you have to have a bad cold or a stomach bug to be sick enough to skip school?
What if waking up in the morning takes all the energy out of you?

But no, cause it can't be seen, it's not a valid excuse.
But oh, when it leads to death then you wonder how you never knew,
how you could tell or why they never even tried to come to you for help.
And some even say it was a dumb thing to do because there were people willing to help all around you.

But it's not that easy to know when you can reach out and not be treated like a freak.
You just can't tell these days when your mental health issue will be treated seriously.
And that's because we talk about these afflictions like jokes in our lives every day.
We use them so casually, we don't realize the full impact of what we say.

When you jokingly say, "**** me now," because you're a little stressed
And when you jokingly say that you're so depressed you just want to go home and cut.
Someone around you might be thinking the same thing except they're serious.
When you tell your buds to toughen up because men don't cry,
They have no one to reach out when everything is going wrong in their lives.

They put on a mask to live their life,
They pretended to be happy to hide their strife.
Putting on a smile to cover their tears.
Making jokes to hide their true fears.

Just because my physical body seems to be working fine,
doesn't mean that I feel okay in my mind.
Because you can't see where I'm hurting or where the pain is,
doesn't always mean that I'm fine.
And even though you might not see it, mental illness is still there.
And it should be treated that way or the stigma that it's not real will always be here.

Joy as a weapon, Jah's joy's d' strangth
goodness known, damnation o'd'lie
what a concept,

in times of social turmoil
when no one is sure what's right,
and every two or three agree to fix it,

the we way, way we agree to do, and do,
or die by our own will, pop like a bubble,
mythic warrior cult trope from TV
projected to the spiritual warrior cattle
praying, Jesus, guide me, I believe,
it is the unbelieving part that's
givin' folks cognitive dis-son-dence
dense-thick wall of farfarfar out tide

- serious OD on Campbell hero story maps to DID re activation in the novel event
Now, some team of writers has writ
a Jesus Freak Super Hero,
called Utopia,
with serious Freudian Daddy *****-ity
and I am hoping
this is 2021 camp, OP Art
like wham bam
thank you mam, Batman,
circa 1961, I think, lets check, Holy
ROM AI KNOW 1966, January 12, POW
times they keep achangin'

From then you see,
this is my future you are re
balancing re
ality in mere ifity, and yes

yes we cleared the code, the Utopia virus.

Note: the dumbness in the now sense,
stupid and dumb are identical one thing.
Kant's pure is this realm's mere, Voltaire agrees.

We had this assignment in the novel.
And you, the poet in tune with the zeit
via Netflix, see
called us to witness the premier, and
some piles are seen from here as bullshat,
can everybody see that?

Truth can take a punch, by faith.
Semper Fi, tuff little devil dog

impossible in the frame of categorical
imperatives, and no
in this flow, I ai give you google agency,
fact check yo'own self.

the night that
max wore his wolf suit
he swore the lycans came
and while he
hid under the bed

they prowled and growled
and howled out his name

but he stayed put
in the furthest corner
of gloom,
paralysed ....
by a feeling of
utter doom

he knew,
he was no wolf.
just boofy bloke wearing
the suit for a goof...

and as to being a hairy
werewolf...
all full of
bloodlust  and scare
he knew his head,
his heart, his soul
would not, could not,
go there....

he was if anything,
an aurilophile....
and would have worn
a cat suit....
but they, the shop of freak.

did not have any in his style,
that, being of the male
persausion.....
they had kitty
and pussycat suits
for all sorts of occasions

they had just rented,
the last tiger
and the lions had
all.... long gone.

so he got stuck
with the wolf
and thought, at the time...

what could go wrong....

now in the hours of
one, two and three...
as the lycan prowled
and yodeled love songs
he knew full well,

what could go wrong...

max and his suit
trembled.along....
waiting for the sunrise
and the light of the day
to make this dogfest,
of a nightmare,

go far far away....

then, in the bright noonday sun
he would go out to the park.

and find a stray dog
give him the suit....
or at least hide it under
a log....

then to the pub,
to down many beers,
put an acholic fence,
between
him and his fears

send the last night,
on down the stream
of all those other
fog filled...
and fuzzy freaken
dreams...

where he was a dog,
a cat or a fly.....
or where he slipped....
off a tigtrope so high

and fell with a splat....

of strawberry jam
to be scraped up from the
sidewalk and into
a jar.....

that was the worst dream
the worst by far.....

so eventually  max,
walked into the bar
ordered a beer,
strolled around for a bit
then sat in the corner......
all naked as a jay.....
or a ***.

cause in all,
the dreaming and scheming.
he had forgot one thing,

to put on some clothes.

so now, the whole
world had,
had a view of both
the front and the rear,
fishing tackle and gear...
and
it was them,
that had something to fear,
for the sight of,
the above
mentioned junk....
had put all who had seen it
into a funk....

for max's **** was a foul mouthed punk....
and as for his ar$e...
a right royal farce

some one had to say...
with courage
so as to save the day...
max ......
for god's sake
and that of my poor sainted
granny....
take this table cloth
and cover your man-*****
then,
take the other
and cover your ***'s face....
you makin my pub
a down right disgrace....

max,
smiling sheepishly,
did as was said
and apologised profusely,
for having lost his head
... and normal,
day to day attire...
took a six pack,
for the road, on the slate
....and went on home
and back to bed...
to meet,
with drunken bravado,
his all hallows fate.....

2 melanized hueman beings mesmerized by the beauty of their interior extending to the exterior shells
falling under one another's enchanting spells
Time was frozen the room grew still but the eyes spoke their own language in silent yearnings of screams and yells
becoming each others eye witness
Treasuring  each other temple of sacredness
Exploring their magical majestic nakedness
Both unapologetically shameless
Igniting a fire, So passionate yet flameless.
Infecting each other with love as if it was an air borne illness, quite contagious.
Feeling the wondrous Joys of  unfiltered bliss
Picture This ...
The natural beauty the 2 shades of Brown pigmented bodies shimmering as nuggets of Gold.
2 magnificent souls are as a flower in the spring ready to unfold.
The energy flowed,
True feelings get exposed
And they both glowed.
In the darkness of unlit room was the bride and Groom, Taking turns radiating similar to the sun and and the moon.
All 3 eyes are open wide.
As both of their worlds collide.
they drink of each others water fountain flowing from inside
their fleshy beings have died
their hearts cried
their minds wonder
The Temperature was hotter than the summer
She began to stutter words she can hardly utter
while he was captivated by this wombman he called "Earth mother "
  Telling her he loved her and he would place no one else above her.
  As the sound of their pulses and hearts were beating like a drummer.
Its was something more than *** that both had to discover
From the moment her touched her,
Revealed was their true colors.
She become him and he became her,
Reflections of one another.
Going pass what Was Happening under that black silk cover.
their spirits elevated high, ascending into the sky,
she bites her lip as he kisses her thick inner thighs,
She is intoxicated from his testosterone and from the sweet smell of her pheromones he gets high.
They close their eyes for a brief moment as their minds escape and their spirits tell this earthly world Goodbye.
He taste the delicious juices overflowing from her yonnie As she screams out, "Oh Papi".
Needing him so badly.
Falling in love with every bit of him, Madly.
He takes his Royal Phallus and places it gently inside of her Royal palace.
Reaching Heaven Bliss with Every single ****** and every single sensual kiss. Their hearts are pounding like the sound of the fist banging against the wall so loudly.
He was climbing her mountain till she reached a peak at her valley.
Both have become vulnerable and open.
Then she pleasures him until she starts chokin, Chokin on the words left unspoken.
Understanding the words they don't speak because the connection between them is unique.
As the slows jams are on repeat, she sits on his face like a seat until she gets tingles all over her body and feel weak so then he flips her over and dives in to her sacred waters so deep.
Praying that this is a treasure he hopes to keep. Placing her legs around him while making the bed squeak
moving to the rhythm of the beat unleashing the soft moans of her inner freak.
Grasping  a handful of  bodacious, firm, and soft **** cheek.
The juices again began to seep.
Reaching high levels of intimacy so deep.
Time has stop and their souls sprung a leak. Finding out the truth about one another that they have found the love in which they both seek.
Such a sweet treat!
He has swept her off her feet and She had him feeling like she was that missing piece to the puzzle making him feel whole again as if he was once broken but now complete.

How I don't remember is something for laughs
That I don't remember kissing that pretty little lass
But waking up feeling like I had been making out for hours
Is something that truly makes me grin

That next morning my head was in a spin
The feeling of what I had done, but no memory to come
Or at least til later that afternoon
When that brief memory floated back to mind
I bust a gut laughing until my head was fine

The next thought to come
Was how exactly did this happen
What on earth had gone on
To make this long time crush
Straddle high, and get her freak on

A sort of flashbulb memory taking place that night
Leaving much to be questioned, and few if any answers
First, texting one girl saying her place in my heart was secure... blank
Second, locking lips with Miss "Who Do We Have Here?"... blank
Third, Miles feeding me was, though my mouth tastes like ***** and beer.
Absolutely illogical, this has got to be some big joke, crazy and weird

Dear God, or anyone who's listening
Please let me track down this girl to question
I don't even care for another repetition
Simply put, I'm going to ask, "How the hell did we get in that position?"
Hopefully she can and will fill in a good deal of all that's missing.

And I get to fall on my *** laughing.

Our Hearts will collide and I will find reason to love again
That reason will be you, you'll teach me the sweet side of pain
I'll look at the sunsets then on but through my eyes
I'll see hope for there's little difference but direction
twixt the glow of dusk and the shine of sunrise
our words will reciprocate in the wonderful texture of hello
and we will greet each other with honest smiles
like ours won't live to savour goodbye
our bodies will magnetically bombard in embrace
our eyes will lock and like diamonds will reflect the future
to fill us with hope as we foot what's left of our miles
we will realise our palms were made for each other
our lips will be honey, with the pollen of desire
we will burn and yearn,falter and learn
you will burry your past and fade will my scars
and for the wonder of the sparkle in your eyes
there will be fault in the perfect construct of the stars
like flowers seasons will come to fade and to bloom
and I will stick through the joy and the gloom
we will drink from the adulterated cup of gossip
which poison will intoxicate us with one sip
but we won't let that permanently suffocate our amour
You will be my Queen, and I your knight in shining armour
and like magical fountains down a stream
we will sprinkle our passion and dare to dream,
in the face of melancholy we will wipe our tears
or pop a few tops off vintage wines and beers
you will be my story and I too'll be in your tale
and we will on and on narrate our escapades through Hell
how we sailed over and past the waves till we found calm
it will be a floret narrative of struggles overcome
someday we'll meet and you will give a ****
I will be surprised and probably freak out
because my entire existence rests upon pillars of doubt
yet I'll give us a try without a sigh
on that fateful day that's very yet to come
you will be the aris of love that flies me high
I'll be drunk in love, contented with my addiction
and satisfied with the small room I'm given in your heart
where  I will rent without anticipating eviction
we will fight to make up, wound each other just to heal
you will get over your fears and I'll learn pride is a pill
we'll realise that albeit at times we're bad for each other
those are just the small defects present on the best deal
and we'll find reason to cherish and love each other still
because that's what happens when we find someone true
someone who means it when they say "I love you"
this happens when Hearts are meant, I'm not a prophet
how different can it be yet lovers suffer a similar fate?

Slumbering in my capacious tomb,
I dread the surrounding recesses.
I've carefully examined every room,
silence building into deafening excess.

A horrid intuition commands me now,
Something watches at the threshold.
Hours have passed without a sound,
But I'm no fool, silence, I withhold.

Feigning sleep, I bow my head,
allowing the stranger to approach my bed.
No longer a bugaboo, it draws its knife
springing forth like a cobra to take my life.

Snarling like a beast, I counter its jab
Horror marks its face as I ferociously grab,
Wrapping its head with my blanket,
I twist, and lay the beast to casket.

Every night I battle my beast
And never have I ceased
To terrify that familiar freak,
Haunting my subliminal sleep.

Five years ago,
I had a best friend.
She was perfection.
Beautiful,
Smart,
Athletic,
Kind.
My favorite things were
the bus rides home,
the park,
sleepovers..
with her.

Four years ago
was when we started drifting.
While she was still perfection,
I was awkward and quiet.
I spent most of my time in the library,
Struggled to keep my grades up,
and had very few friends.
This is when it began.

Three years ago,
We didn't talk at school.
We still rode our bikes on the weekend.
I was friends with "the weird kids."
The *** head,
The freak,
The emo one.
I didn't feel like I belonged,
but I was happy to have friends.

Two years ago,
I was so happy.
But by this point, my best friend had moved.
We no longer talked.
Thanks to a good friend,
I was introduced to everyone that made me, me.
Through him I met
My new best friend.
The first boy I ever loved.
The people that became like family to me.
Sounds like a happy ending, almost..

One year ago,
I struggled in school,
almost everyone I knew went somewhere else.
I drifted from my closest friends.
My mind was elsewhere
and the only thing I ever wanted to know
was when I could sleep again.
This is when it was at it's worst.
I struggled not only in school,
but with body image and self esteem.
I was too afraid to ask for help,
and I didn't know how to accept what was offered.
When I was at my lowest,
I didn't know how to cope.

Today,
I am left with a cluster of
small, thin, white lines here and there.
A distorted view of eating and health.
A low self worth.
I am left still struggling,
and although people know my past,
they don't know that I still struggle,
I still hide to protect myself.
But now,
I feel that the people with the most courage are the ones
who can admit they aren't okay, they can take the help that is offered.
I hope to help someone like me one day.

Do not speak to Me...
With the words you never Seek...
With the ideas from the Weak...
You hold no Key...


Do not speak to Me...
If you do not wish to be a Freak...
With the words that you Shriek...
You beg and you Plea...

Take an arrow to the Knee!
Your existence is too Bleak!
Hide under your Shadow!
In the oblique dark Sea...

I do not Care...
About your Uncertainty...
Until you can Develop...
Your own *Maturity...