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Nigel Morgan Jan 2014
Today has been a difficult day he thought, as there on his desk, finally, lay some evidence of his struggle with the music he was writing. Since early this morning he’d been backtracking, remembering the steps that had enabled him to write the entirely successful first movement. He was going over the traces, examining the clues that were there (somewhere) in his sketches and diary jottings. They always seem so disorganised these marks and words and graphics, but eventually a little clarity was revealed and he could hear and see the music for what it was. But what was it to become? He had a firm idea, but he didn’t know how to go about getting it onto the page. The second slow movement seemed as elusive today as ever it had been.

There was something intrinsically difficult about slow music, particularly slow music for strings. The instruments’ ability to sustain and make pitches and chords flow seamlessly into one another magnified every inconsistency of his part-writing technique and harmonic justification. Faster music, music that constantly moved and changed, was just so much easier. The errors disappeared before the ear could catch them.

Writing music that was slow in tempo, whose harmonic rhythm was measured and took its time, required a level of sustained thought that only silence and intense concentration made properly possible. His studio was far from silent (outside the traffic spat and roared) and today his concentration seemed at a particularly low ebb. He was modelling this music on a Vivaldi Concerto, No.6 from L’Estro Armonico. That collective title meant Harmonic Inspiration, and inspiring this collection of 12 concerti for strings certainly was. Bach reworked six of these concertos in a variety of ways.

He could imagine the affect of this music from that magical city of the sea, Venice, La Serenissima, appearing as a warm but fresh wind of harmony and invention across those early, usually handwritten scores. Bach’s predecessors, Schutz and Schein had travelled to Venice and studied under the Gabrielis and later the maestro himself, Claudio Monteverdi. But for Bach the limitations of his situation, without such patronage enjoyed by earlier generations, made such journeying impossible. At twenty he did travel on foot from Arnstadt to Lubeck, some 250 miles, to experience the ***** improvisations of Dietriche Buxtehude, and stayed some three months to copy Buxtehude’s scores, managing to avoid the temptation of his daughter who, it was said, ‘went with the post’ on the Kapelmeister’s retirement. Handel’s visit to Buxtehude lasted twenty-four hours. To go to Italy? No. For Bach it was not to be.

But for this present day composer he had been to Italy, and his piece was to be his memory of Venice in the dark, sea-damp days of November when the acqua alta pursued its inhabitants (and all those tourists) about the city calles. No matter if the weather had been bad, it had been an arresting experience, and he enjoyed recovering the differing qualities of it in unguarded moments, usually when walking, because in Venice one walked, because that was how the city revealed itself despite the advice of John Ruskin and later Jan Morris who reckoned you had to have your own boat to properly experience this almost floating city.

As he chipped away at this unforgiving rock of a second movement he suddenly recalled that today was the first day of Epiphany, and in Venice the peculiar festival of La Befana. A strange tale this, where according to the legend, the night before the Wise Men arrived at the manger they stopped at the shack of an old woman to ask directions. They invited her to come along but she replied that she was too busy. Then a shepherd asked her to join him but again she refused. Later that night, she saw a great light in the sky and decided to join the Wise Men and the shepherd bearing gifts that had belonged to her child who had died. She got lost and never found the manger. Now La Befana flies around on her broomstick each year on the 11th night, bringing gifts to children in hopes that she might find the Baby Jesus. Children hang their stockings on the evening of January 5 awaiting the visit of La Befana. Hmm, he thought, and today the gondoliers take part in a race dressed as old women, and with a broomstick stuck vertically as a mast from each boat. Ah, L’Epiphania.

Here in this English Cathedral city where our composer lived Epiphany was celebrated only by the presence of a crib of contemporary sculptured forms that for many years had never ceased to beguile him, had made him stop and wonder. And this morning on his way out from Morning Office he had stopped and knelt by the figures he had so often meditated upon, and noticed three gifts, a golden box, a glass dish of incense and a tiny carved cabinet of myrrh,  laid in front of the Christ Child.

Yes, he would think of his second movement as ‘L’Epiphania’. It would be full of quiet  and slow wonder, but like the tale of La Befana a searching piece with no conclusion except a seque into the final fast and spirited conclusion to the piece. His second movement would be a night piece, an interlude that spoke of the mystery of the Incarnation, of God becoming Man. That seemed rather ambitious, but he felt it was a worthy ambition nevertheless.
M Aug 2014
Honesty is the best policy,
One we've chosen to abstain.
Honestly I'd rather you be honest with me;
Walking on eggshells we could refrain.

Tiptoeing around so we don't step upon the cracks in our floors,
Holding our breath tight so we don't breath in the thick truth-
God forbid we just speak honestly anymore,
God forbid we let all of the unsaid thoughts loose.

Honestly I can't say I know you like I once did,
And that's absolute fact.
All because we have absolutely forbid
Ourselves from a backtrack-

Backtracking to when we could actually talk without thinking before speaking
Or worrying about what we have said.
No worries of the truth leaking
From our honest hearts and heads.

I don't want your meaningless quips,
Your aimless remarks.
I prefered the small notes on slips,
Our conversations in the dark.

Honesty is the best policy,
A policy we tried and found true-
A policy we have declined to upkeep,
A policy we once knew.
Thankfully I have reconciled with an ex and it's really helped me continue to move on and be happier. Like I've always said he's a great person and I missed being his friend a lot when we broke up. Despite reconciling, we're both so guarded and careless towards a friendship and it's sad because I know deep down we both care a lot. Neither of us, though solely my speculation, are willing to speak up and honestly say "hey I really missed you and it ***** that this is what we are now but this is what it is." We've spent so long apart and so long pretending it didn't matter (at least on my behalf, a poor defense mechanism I'm apt to use) that I've started to believe it and I can't even have a solid conversation with him.
Brian Oarr Feb 2012
I.

Sunday mornings in Vancouver
even pigeons sleep in till 10 A.M.
Undaunted, I walk down Granville shortly before 8
seeking lox bagels with capers, red onions and cream cheese,
two breve lattes, and a newspaper. In truth,
panhandlers on the corner of Robson
have far greater chance of scoring.
An unexpectedly sunny February morn
suffices to spur me on. I am attuned to all vibration.
Breath of the awakening city
exhales manna upon the shop awnings.
Bagels rendered superfluous,
I scarf images instead ---
trolley buses, an umbrella shop, falafel stands ---
delicious Canadian visual cuisine.

                                 II.

Vancouver is a nymph. Of that I'm sure.
I hear flirtatious giggles trill
from darkened alleys between hotels.
Spotted her once across the street on Dunsmuir,
seated on a walk bench reading a Margaret Atwood novel.
Bus passed between us and she vanished.
Caught a later glimpse through the window
of a walk-up dim sum restaurant in Chinatown.
Flew the stairs, only to find an empty table and
discarded napkin smudged with candy pink lipstick.
She watches me.

                                                III.

Turns out there are no Sunday morning papers in Vancouver,
but I locate the bagels and espresso backtracking on Helmcken.
The barista smiles as I approach, sets down her Atwood novel.
I leave a Toonie in gratuity.
B.C. wind pushes ******* my turned back,
as I rush our breakfast back to the Executive.
A nymph goes roller-blading by toward False Creek.
The Gastown Steam Clock whistles that it's 10 A.M.
A flock of pigeons lifts in flight.
Vancouver is still a young city, vibrant, bustling, and quite easily the most beautiful on the west coast of North America.
Raquel Martinez Apr 2015
I was thirteen when I saw him, looking
underweight and tan as he stood there,
hands gripping at the handle
of the large bag. He squints,
the sun beaming on his face. The trees shade
some of the rays with each gust
of wind. The mosquitos ***** on my skin
pinching like needles. I am bothered
except for him, so accustomed
to the feeling on his skin. It’s 2009,
three years after my last visit to
the land from which he comes,
from which he sailed into the ocean
on a makeshift raft full of others
with similar hopes, dreaming,
their eyes fixed on the horizon
miles away from freedom.
(To the style of Natasha Trethewey’s “History Lesson”)
Mateuš Conrad Jan 2016
oh but my face is recognisable,
it's recognisable because
without adventure,
without adventure entrapped
in plato's cavern depth
of thought and shadow,
and upon no promise of release,
kept chained, with no chance
to look sidewise and write,
but look backtracking the first trek
and make a fulfilling life doubly worth
a book's worth of shiva destroying
vishnu's english middle class homes...
no adventure, only skull heads as heady tombs,
no adventures upon our way
into the cold, less ore upon a bench
than bicep keen on the paddle
if lessening be keen to think,
where the adventure? where?!
what, you mean juggling tomato, potato, tomato
between english and american accents?
that the couch, that the potato?!
you farting out the canned applause too?
i bet you are... and they will say...
it's norway... it's norway!
but they vetoed european membership
because half the voters were post colonials...
vegan hindus voted no... pakis voted no...
minority rabbits in general voted no...
to be honest i'm with them,
if john paul ii was black smoke i'd applaud,
if the iron curtain never disassembled i'd be home,
i wouldn't have to listen to western democratic
brown-nosing affairs...i'd be home, and happily to
be there... rather than in the glorified west of
fake saints trying to introduce dialectics
from a standpoint of youth, given old age
didn't bother, so eager for the eager ******
mid-life in crisis of a family to be never had.
i'd stay, yes, i'd stay behind the iron, curtain,
i'd rather stay there than be all "liberal,"
peddling on a bicycle pamphlets of the solidarity movement,
they said solidarity, they said hawaii awaits
and mass emigration,
then asking capitalism to regroup and sell atheism,
of late,
to group atheists, to collectivise,
like the grouping economy of insects
of exclusion - termite mounds and spider webs -
which would be communism -
but then the predatory lions and tigers
bundled up for dodo fates:
while we conceived a complete fake ***
nationalism of being forged by the now sepia
of history long gone: we learned being
english due to irish racism;
something to do with ***** count
and pints of Guinness: a ja to wiem:
bo anglik zbyt wielki... to na polaka!
patrz gdzie ten królik pędzi bracie,
bo wraz z czymś innym co widisz cie zabierze
w pogrzebanie ćmy z cieniem.
Wuji Apr 2012
Distracted I wander,
Following the wind as a parachute.
Gliding on the backs of others efforts.
High above the canape and their common roots.

My mind never settling,
Always thinking I've made a wrong turn.
Backtracking, backtracking , was I ever on track,
What track leads to what I yearn?

Curtains' numbers one, two, three, four,
Players play for prizes, hope not to get burned.
Got a bad deal, don't win the sports car?
Go home and buy a rope and raise some concern.

Someone goes to stop you,
Get what you want, by threats and scares.
Instability will only balance if naivety is company,
Show them the scars and burned hairs.

What's the right choice!?
I'm drowning in possibilities!
Past chances sail away,
As I sink to the bottom of the sea.
Written in the inside of my math work book.
Liz May 2013
Dublin is soaking,
ink running on sentences, churning on the page.
America is splintering,
(the suburbs specifically, not the nation)
into  leftovers of Ticonderoga No 2.

These streets breathe in and out and
up to clouds illuminated by the Temple Bar,
as people stream through Dublin's narrow straights,
running thick and bright and damp
soaked with the scent of amber,
brimming with warm words like barley and hops,
the world reflected through the half-empty glasses
abandoned to rest stale at the bar.

This boy is a livewire to a madness,
quivering gasps flying to spark on her tongue when
she finds the kiss in the corner of his mouth is
tightly stitched in with the sound of each smile.
Her hand still clings to the smells of sweat and beer
with miles of backtracking ahead.
Madhurima Jan 2015
12:05 am, drunk text, honest words
fingers brush the send button
message sent reads the screen,
sweaty palms, backtracking
hit delete, no use

eyes close, deep breath
message received


1:00 am, sober thoughts
angry groan, swear words
escape your lips,
waiting, hoping, praying
hit open, no use
eyes close, deep sigh
no reply

3:16 am**, point of no return
parallel realities flash by
one good, one bad
one yes, one no
call him? no use
eyes close, almost asleep
one new text
Yeah, I know it's probably not my best work, but the idea was on my mind for days. Hope you like it! I think it's more about the form of the poem.
Jonny Angel Mar 2014
Ross was good,
Part-Choctaw, Part-Saskatchewan,
he'd sniff the air for his direction,
could spot a pebble out of place,
understand broken twigs.

He loved to work at night,
backtracking was a skill,
garroting his specialty,
he had fourteen dings.

Part-Celt, Part-Heinz-57
I understood similar things,
my notches stand
at just under ten.
M Epperly Dec 2013
You attempt to comfort me
Yet my discomfort is being without you
I torture myself with the past
Reliving my mistakes
Backtracking paths of broken glass
Barefoot and bleeding regret
Striving to forget the past
Be in the now
HOPING for a future together
For I do not deserve another chance
Yet I wish for nothing more
I lay my head to sleep & wish you were beside me
Accompanied by emptiness
Fall asleep and dream of you
Dreams,
Where I feel whole again
Where this hole in my heart is filled
Only to wake up to the unholy truth
I am without you
Karisa Brown Dec 2016
Trace back
To when
Playgrounds whispered
Haunted memories

Redundant
Sound control

Freeze dried
Pebbles onto
River banks flowing

Following transcending ringing
Summoned
Feathered down
By scavengers

Hence feasible
Recipes

Unorthodoxed swallowing
Rocks churning appendixes
thomas gabriel Mar 2012
A March dusk blotted stale
bodies; jet-black water
ran thick with puerile inks
and imparted abandon.

Head shrouded in
cobalt mist, night idled
by a black pane that
rang dull and flat.

Backtracking rooks caught
the vacant eye: threading
a monarchical purple cloak
to hoard the transient days.
Goodness, i need to be more creative with these titles!
Wuji Apr 2012
Bet you can't remember,
One year and two days ago.
Not the face of the boy,
You let into your home.

Met him that day,
Friend of a friend.
Hospitality swayed,
And you let me right in.

"What was his name?
I dunno but he made me smile.
Laughed all day,
And made out for a while.

Was an odd kid,
Always wore running shoes.
Said I was his first kiss,
I even whipped his **** out for a few."

O girl you have no idea,
How often you come to mind.
A memory of the past,
A happier moment in time.

Haven't spoken to you,
In one year and two days.
Though I tried twice,
That didn't get me further in your maze.

So now I am backtracking,
Eating crumbs off the floor.
I can't believe it's been one year and two days,
Since I've met that *****.
Sailed that ship for only a day.
Griffin Boyd Aug 2010
I like listening

To other people’s lives

They all live them… In

ways so different than mine. /

I drive slowly

To watch the other faces

Reactions… Expressions… These

first impressions that won’t leave a scratch.

Because even if I ever do see them again,

I won’t place the face to the situation. /

I firmly trespass and trod through

The footsteps of others before me.  

Maybe I’m swerving in reverse—

backtracking from their desired progress.  Moving

away from the glorified destination

that their sights and eyes were so surely set upon.

Or possibly I’m shadowing their paths. /

They watch me observing.  

But I’d never consider that

this innocent people-watching

may put the victim in an uncomfortable setting

of my gaze and of my attention.

I intrude, analyze… do everything in my power

to better understand. /

So why can’t I give room for everyone else to

do that as well? //
Jeannette Chin Jun 2013
are the first among us
in early spring to notice
the flowers, taking notes
and comparing posture.

they look strangers in the eye
like no other, as though the least
amount of recognition
were the most familiar.

they sweep lonely men off their feet,
just one encounter and the lonely men
in turn go searching for the trail
they've left through this city,

in crowded alleys, in libraries, in the park
at dusk, in a statues rust, at a trafficless
intersection. everywhere there are traces
of their presence, like a dustbowl

in its aftermath, if only the dust
were silver and the violent winds
intruded on the stillness to hold
up shelter against the oceans
of desert.


i met the loneliest of them all,
the postulate that nature offered
was now her ex-lover and recovery
would be backtracking.

lonely women are the last to be pitied,
and lonely women were not always
lonely. you must have experienced
the kind of love that is unbridled
to experience that kind of lonely.



Lonely women will be lonely
until they die, so that by the time
lovers wake up together she will
have already offered herself to the soil

so that by the time they take their first
step out of the bed she will have
already become minerals.
Kay-Rosa May 2019
You call and say I'm aberrant
You don't wanna be stuck indoors deviating
I don't like your storms
I miss your floodwaters
I need an affectional sleet
I miss your earthquakes
Then you came with all your quaking
You must think I'm an aftershock
You must think I'm abnormal
Now I can't find the volcanism without you
Volcanism without you
Queer and two
Like the ingenue over slew
Subthalamic and cuckoo
And I'm dancing because you're undue
Twisters ain't nothing when I'm betraying with ya
Gay
Do you mind if I steal a permafrost?
I miss your downdrafts
Calamities are not safe
I don't like your cataclysms
And every homosexuality is failsafe
Then you came with all your frothing
You must think I'm a calvinism
It's time we had some infernos
Will you hold me tight and not go flaming
You don't wanna be stuck indoors backtracking
When I'm shaming with ya
Shaming with ya
When I'm with you, all I have is inappropriate thoughts
It's time we had some embarrassments
I'm rebuking 'til dawn
Na na na na gay
Na na gay
Like the tray over buffet
Na na na na gay
Like the valet over heyday
Transgender and ok
Got more halfway
It literally said dont read, so, thanks babes who read this!
I remember your cashmere sweater
Always soft against my cheek
As you brushed my hair with your fingers
And I would fall fast asleep

I get that you have a new life
You've replaced your baby with these children of yours
And I wonder how you will tell them
About the life you couldn't afford

I'm so glad to see you're healthy
No longer skin and bones
Your track marks have healed so well
But that skeleton was my home

I know you still think about who you were
Ash, you can't change over night
I'm curious how you will break the news
Or look at me and make things right

You were my mom when our mother escaped
And we were robbed of a childhood; forsaken
But I am still hurting, still being mistaken
Your halo is dimming, it was never that bright
You'll always be an addict living a fight

I'm happy we can have conversations
Without your eyes involuntarily shutting
It's sad that it makes me sad though
You're what I think of when I'm cutting

Your pedestal you placed yourself so high on
I'm watching as it's cracking
And you would be such a fool
If you don't think I've been backtracking

I've got these scars
I didn't forget
You are my nostalgia
I am your regret
I
Inside, is this thing about me, it has stolen my voice,
It's like ash has seeped into my lungs from an invisible fire fueled by hatred, it has broken my will to stand on two legs,  a gentle world slipped out from under the covers,
forgotten,
In my arms a purring cat that reminds me of the ocean waves crashing along the shore of a place I once felt at peace, it's frustrating to lose track of such wonderful  memories,
I feel insane, but I am calm and understand that this is just a phase, chapters on the moon are written in the clouds in day
I realized now, either this mind is too creative than what I think capable or my abilities have left me with only formal beginnings, so breaking the mold has not left me with many options,
Indeed sleep and food will provide healing when it seems fit, but for some reason I would better wish luck could do some providing, this hard effort has made me sick,
Indebted to silence, my rain check has finally been checked off, the papers folded and what's left of the ink is saved for my last breath.
Incurable, only by my diagnosis, and only a poet am I, not a doctor, this in lies the problem,
Indifferent about such touchy topics, resorting to backtracking my statements, fair enough?
Indecisive? so are the current topics of the new world conspiracy, such a soft melody replaying in the foreground, as my mind goes out the back.
it's been awhile Mr. Poe...
Venusoul7 Nov 2014
Backtracking towards the Light
oh! Fakir,
brilliant shiny Bright
Neophyte hypnosis, take me In..

oh! Beloved,
fragile tendrils of my desire
heartfully hear me, hear Me..
my heartfelt Prayers,
I do not fear to tread into the highest vapours.

Clandestine Clementine!
not One Breath but Three
times itself, squared.

Blaspheme!
not forsaken, dripping drapes
blindsided, blindly onwards...
not forsaken Sight!
Hear me, Hear Me..
Bless'ed be my Name!
I honestly don't have a clue...
if you do, feel free to share your interpretation :)

(nothing meanspirited please)
Ignatius Hosiana Nov 2016
At scratch, discern you’ll either win the duel or face defeat
Before you go the distance warrant you’re set to dust your feet
for when a cycle is heavily ridden it unquestionably must squeak
Afore you relish a plum you most probably will ascend her tree
so be sure you can swim before you plunge into the sea
as if you can’t you may lamentably pay very high a fee.
Even before you contemplate a “happily ever after’, a fairytale, a forever
tune your grip to clench the hot rod ‘for better for worse’
scorching of blessings in the moment and every awaiting curse
and also fine-tune your lips to never say never
Before you stir the limpid prepare to deal with every ripple
for you won’t march over mines unless you want to *******
before you poke the bear, beware of the wrath of forked flame
because when you blister, you’ll have you to gulp pain and blame
before you leave, truth and no lie you ought to explain why
and also be willing to say goodbye
for at times there’s no backtracking, before a tantalizing hegira you must be sure
don’t walk off to Medina when the Kaaba you seek is back in Mecca
and turn out to be the reason you’re judged a faker
since prior sailing they say, one must be ready to lose sight of the shore
before you route for emerald pastures, learn how to mow
don’t say “No” when you feel different, or yes for ‘No’
and ultimately, you must be ready to face the universe afore you speak.
The voices carry as they  do in cheap rooms with even cheaper company.
The smoke smell the after party lingers a moment lost in time and haunting my present like some strange ghost I simply except it cause I could give a **** less over what may soon to be.

People will break you only if you allow them to.

I always place the table near the window leaving my back to the door and can only imagine the view to the onlooker .
To those who cannot grasp what it is to create .

It's when my vices are on full display and the demons of my thoughts keep company with the angles who've embraced my bed .
Madness is a clever disguise to repel the foolish who believe themselves to be within the same class.

I never worry about keeping up I view my words a island that needs  no other to maintain my ego this ******* doing fine all his own.

Allow that little black dress sweetheart to fall aside and slither across the floor.
My passion isn't in a heart it's in excess and till death I do embrace with a devilish grin.

Never allow others to hang there ******* and regrets upon you.
Advise is like toilet paper great to wipe your *** with and nothing more.

I regret nothing I simply yean for more .

I hear the laughter and moans from a one night stand here the bitter pound on the walls jealous they no longer can taste the danger and pure joy of the pleasures from which life has since locked them out.

I simply poor another drink and continue this drive through the darkness do you ever miss it my dear as I no longer miss you?

Will you bury me in mystery or simply reminisce of times now washed clean as a summers southern rain.
I stand alone for none were willing to chase the failure such as I.
You cant half *** art my friends there's no safety in my tomorrow so I toast every day as it were my last.

I face the desk towards the window to embrace the dark a mistress for which my thirst I do surely never hope is quenched.
No drug is greater than the one that feeds air within your lungs .
Never doubt the words that flow first for backtracking is for the lost
and I find no direction leads you best when in doubt.

So many voices follow faces for which I never truly see .
tomorrow we will scatter in are directions and I will leave with the cliff notes of my madness and a hangovers emotion and her thoughts still warm in the emptiness I do love more than anyone.

A empty bottle upon the table and a scribbled note on the motel stationary.
Excuse the mess all hell broke lose .

Old friends and new vices often collide in the night.
Signed Sincerely

Just one of the many voices from down the hall.
In yet another now empty room.
Aseh Dec 2012
I know we haven’t talked in a while. Not since
I recognized the decisive crack of your voice
like a crinkling plastic gum wrapper
and I let the phone fall. That was
five years ago and I don’t know where you are now.
But I’m writing this
because I can’t stop writing
about you and your shapes and your smells and you
and white powder and you and religion
and religious books neatly stacked and you and every piece of you
and a rickety black tram bursting forth in the darkness and you
and pockets of light that sometimes shine through in cocoons or at elegant dinners
and you and aftershave and blood and muddy river water and you
and flowers in porcelain vases and couches encased in plastic and you
and I am endlessly backtracking to silent violations
and black midnights riddled with hunger and confusion and
I don’t know maybe some other time
and it’s like our hands and wrists are bound together as though bandaged
and the whites of my eyes are permanently reddened by an
invisible fire’s breath
or the glow of your face
and even now everything won’t stop shaking
and I just stare
at my hands
and tiles
and patterns in carpets
and I keep staring and staring forever
only at things that won’t move away from me
like inanimate objects but
I’ll leave you here
with a letter I’ll never mail
because I’m no longer the quivering little girl
beneath you
and I’ll get ****** up again and think
this is freedom, isn’t it?
churning sweetness and liberality into my
empty stomach?
but then why does my mouth still
taste like metal?
Chrissy Feb 2010
It's 1 AM and I can't sleep
My eyes shut tight I just can't keep
Thoughts of you splatter my vision
Looks like once again I'm backtracking my decision
Why can't I stay away from you
That's like asking why is one plus one two
I can't stop thinking about the love you give
How I'd fall to pieces because without it I can't live
You know how to make me crave you in every way
I wish you'd stop playing with me, I want a say
But this twisted love, it will never stop
You'll stay until you **** me, until you make my heart pop
Now it's 2 AM and I should go to bed
Goodnight, I'll be dreaming about everything you've said.
Logan Gabriel Feb 2017
I somehow feel the need to apologize.
Still.
After all this time.
You sang like I was made of the earth and the wind
The lovely things.
And when I said those three words for the first time
And you repeated them...
My heart stopped and my soul flew.
I was ready to give up my freedom and my future for you...
Then you say we're growing apart,
You tell him that you never loved me, don't like girls, dated me out of pity
And I cried for five hours straight while my heart broke and my mind screamed
'I told you I'm not a girl.'
Labor day isn't the same even all these years later.
I still have to tell myself it's not my fault.

You were on fawns legs,
The who am I what I am where do I fit that comes with adolescence
And you spoke me fair from the moment we met.
I was so happy to finally have someone who saw me for me.
I told you so soon
'I'm not a girl, I know it's hard to understand but...'
And you say you don't care, nothing changes, I see stars in your eyes
And I'm so happy to hold your hand in the hallway,
No matter who stares.
I should expect the backtracking. The fear.
Your parents, who knows what they'd do.
And you break it off quietly.
Saying you don't think you really like girls.
I am still not a girl.
We don't really talk now. I just find it hard to feel anything but tired when I'm near you.

Then you. You are a girl made of startuff.
Your heart among the planets and constellations.
I call you starshine and eventually
I hope. I ask. I confess.
I admit I planned my life with you.
Big city apartment, stargazing far away from life,
Leaving small town made of quicksand for higher hills and brighter skies.
And you were the only one who ever called me by my name.
Called me a boy.
Gave me anything that felt real.
And I know it hurt you to hurt me.
I gave you my heart and you treated it as tenderly as you could have.
I don't fault you for that. I don't fault you for anything.
No matter what you make me feel real
And I always have loved the stars.
Sort of an open letter to three girls who tried to love me.
alexis hill Jan 2014
the words of
a lie
were true.

they truthed
uncertain territories
backtracking forwards
through the blurred
clarity of certainty

the words of
a truth
were untrue

and they too
believed facts which
made fallacies
masks and surfaced this-

these ties twisted
into lies so they created
straight lines
geometrically

doing the undone
connecting synapses
making constellations
for mapping the brain

asymmetrically, star gazing
blindly when similarity
fades boldly, what is
indifferent to the the same

what is more contradicting
than comparing
the insane to the sane?

yet this tangible diversion
is simple and complex
in validity

and so. truth be told.

a lie to be,
is a truth to me.

a truth for me,
is a lie to be
Sade LK Feb 2014
Skin drys out, cracks,
Breaks.
Broken openings leak
Seeping secrets screaming
Blood bleeding black, gushing
Spewing profusely
From gaping holes of unknown notion.
Absence of reality
Flickering like static in the background.
Backtracking through endless experiences,
And falling through infinite possibilities.
The same new thing.
That new old feeling.
Body crumbles, collides within itself.
Scattered shards of fragmented potential,
Now settling in the air-
A film of dusty desolation left to subside.
Left to fill the lungs of nobody,
With sticky stinging, heavy thick
Strangle choke of no one.
Disintegrate, and
Disappear.
Written June 12th, 2012
Lorenzo Cawley Apr 2018
And life was like a highway
The Soul-- a car.
The moments speeding by
Blurring together.

But how many times have you stopped
Just to gaze--
Just to slow down,
For once.

For once? --why did matter
How fast you were going,
Or how slow the horizon was growing.
For once: why drive at all?

It seemed that: drive.
All it seemed. All it is, really.
Could you leave?
Or are you stuck on this continuum?

Maybe it was the way the sun's gaze
(that day specifically)
Held the world in such
Un-timely grace.

Like nostalgia held under the lime light.
But it was gone as fast as it came,
What's left is-- well-- memory.
Couldn't you have stopped?

And now it's stuck behind your mind.
Like the black blotch
Of a crack
In your back window.

But regret is no more than rear-view mirrors
And and empty tank.
Wouldn't the sunset be so much better
If you weren't headed towards it?

I mean--

How many times did you escape,
Just to walk-- heck,
To even measure how long
The pavement lines were?

Sometimes the best thoughts we have
Are just backtracking to find gas.
But that's regress...
Isn't it?

But maybe a new body on an old frame
Doesn't cut it.
You're worth less if you have miles.
Yet without miles, you lack the rustic wisdom.

--whatif

What if death's the only destination.
Then why even bother
With where you're going?
If the sunset fades--

Look,

You could have all the moments
Pass your window
Or
You could simply gaze.
A lifetime of searching
Generations lost
Sometimes I feel like
We're all searching for something
Even those of us
That seem to have it all
Retracing our steps, backtracking
Looking under the bed and
On top of every counter

Painstaking,
Day in, day out
A memory forgotten
A lost note found
A cigarette to jog my mind
Wait I know,
Better check last year's trousers
I always leave something
In last year's trousers...

There's nothing quite like
Finding what you were searching for
There's also nothing quite like
Losing sleep at night
Wondering what it is that you are
Searching for in the first place
Asking yourself
"When I find it, will it make me happy?"
Startling, the thought that maybe
Happiness is what we're searching for
Every single one of us
Even those of us that kiss it goodnight
Or dress it in the morning
And greet it with supper in the evening


The search goes on...
I've been meaning to write something like this for a while
But the time hadn't come like it just has
Where words and a desire for death mesh
Into something that someone might be able to relate to,
I don't know, maybe not, but in all actuality
I'm here just to find a way to let this out without
Ending it all in that way that's always called selfish-
You may call this a suicide note, or maybe a testament to living

When my light dims to darkness
But right before you forget all about me,
I hope that you sing about me.

Embers to light the way, nothing less nothing more
Everyone gives up, everyone gets tired of you eventually
They say all you can count on is yourself,
But what about when it's yourself that's trying to **** you?

When my light dims to darkness
But right before you forget all about me,
I hope that you sing about me.

When the time comes I don't know where I'll be
Who I'll be
What I'll be
But all I know is that no one will take me
Unless it's my hand.

Recovery must be a fallacy;
Because right when I taste it's sweet release
I find myself alone, backtracking

When my light dims to darkness
But right before you forget all about me,
I hope that you sing about me.
ellis danzel May 2014
Someone told me once, that one day I'd fall for someone on a whim.

That someday some person would just walk into the room and I'd just know that they were right for me, and that I would be able to almost feel this click in the air around us.

Nothing else would matter because in that single moment I would have found a person so enthralling enough to not only capture my attention, but awaken my soul.

I cannot remover you from my system. I am struggling to let go of the urge to be in your presence again.

My fragile heart finally found something it can hold on to.

You make me feel like me, a real person for once.

When I'm around you, I don't have to worry about hiding parts of me.

I do believe that never truly knew myself until that night and If I had before, then that was the night that I rediscovered my ambition love, lust, and life.

You make me feel like a man...or as much of a man as I can be.

The way you grasped my body, felt right for once. For once in my life I felt like a whole person. For once I was more than content with sharing myself with someone else.

Something so simple, yet something I thought I'd never feel.

I do regret letting you see how astonished I was. I knew you could see it in my eyes.

And I knew, that to tell you the truth would have been something you did not want to hear.

I am intense and I feel things other couldn't even fathom.

...but the point is,

You are the one thing I will never forget and the one thing I will never regret.

The moment our eyes met, my life changed for good.

There is no backtracking, no heavy fretting.

Just living Life to the fullest, in hopes that the rest of it includes you.

You, my dear, are my new favourite puzzle. Here's hoping my heart is the key.

Let me into your soul.

Let me into your mind.

Let me into your life.

You have awoken something in me, and I can promise it won't be keeping quiet forever.

This is me reaching out to you.

Take my hand and let's embark on this journey together.
I suppose it may have been his smile. It’s almost as if from that entire night, that’s what stuck. The way it grew in such a way that made you feel so blessed to have been the cause or even to have witnessed. He was everything. He was all. In his presence, he was everything that really mattered.  He was all I could ever imagine living for. When I think of it now, maybe I should have taken a step back. But I know very well that in our moments together, all I ever intended to take were large strides forward.

If anything, at this point I’d be so bold as to call myself a victim. I wasn’t myself. Every look he gave, every breath he took, every laugh we shared would cloud every sense of reality. I had lost it. Everything was lost. I know now that that’s exactly what he wanted. He would take until there was simply nothing left. Just a naked young girl, submersed in a fantasy that just didn’t add up. It didn’t matter how many hours, days or weeks he would be gone without a call. The moment the phone rang and I heard that voice on the other line, none of that mattered. There I was again with nothing but my naïve delusion.

I just wanted to be the one. I didn’t see what he did to me as wrong. I didn’t see it as unfair. In fact, his inadequacies are what fueled me.  I wanted to pick him up and show him the way. In the end I wanted to be the one there for him. Of course a small part of me knew he couldn’t have been faithful but I just wanted to hear that he was mine. That no matter where he went, or what women was moaning on his basement couch, that he thought of me at the end of the night. I wanted to be his rock in his unstable life of secrets and lace.

Fortunately all fantasies must eventually end, and it did. In the still of a close friends house I picked up the phone and forced the words I never wanted to say. I lied to justify and tread carefully but end with an open door. I told him it was only for a little while, only until we figure ourselves out. Nothing was permanent, only temporary, and this was only until we could figure out just what it is we want. I found that in time he would be true to this message. While I lay shaking and crying on my bathroom floor, he lay in another woman’s bed. I would later realize, he was hers all along.

With the realization that he never belonged to me, I slowly began to loath myself. I began backtracking, circling back, trying to figure out how things could have possibly landed in my favor. Had I caused this much hurt to myself? Was I to blame?  If I had let him break me down just a little farther, just a little harder, would it of been my bed he found comfort in? Soon enough it became less about what I didn’t do and more about what I could do. I became desperate, writing letters in the dim glow of my bedside lamp. Letters that I would then send to him in hopes that just maybe, he’ll come back. Each time I’d be sure those words would end my pain but they never did.

In time I began to realize that it wasn’t love that kept me crying at his feet but rather a sense of security. I started to see that without him, I had let everything around me fall apart. My friends began to worry and they started to notice more than ever what I was putting myself through. But it didn’t matter how many late night talks we had or how many times they suggested I eat, only I could pull myself out of it.  I was so foolish as to let myself get wrapped up in him. It was my fault for leaning my entire life upon an unstable young boy with a deceiving smile. With this knowledge I began to heal. Slowly, I found a sense of strength in myself. Sure, I’ll admit that when we exchange smiles from time to time, I still feel that undeniable pull to fall back into who I was with him. But now, I have the ability to keep our relationship as simple as a smile could ever be, and the nerve to keep on walking.
This isn't a poem. But some thing just need to be said.
This is my final release. This time, I'm going to let this go.
oh no May 2014
It’s not that hard to explain
there’s me and then there’s my body (neither one matters to you)
there’s my mouth and then there’s my heart rate
there’s your eyes and then there’s your poetry
(I haven’t seen either one in a long time)
you’ve never been that hard to understand
I know you’d love to think you are and the rules
are complicated but they don’t change
(it’s okay though
most people are like that some are just better at
lying) I met you
as a child I left you something different
I met you and you rolled the dice (it wasn’t
until you were older that we learned to play the game)
I left you when I realized there would be no winner
I met you a child and left you an animal (and
there’s nothing I can say to make up for that)
it’s not that hard to say I’m sorry
I’ve been saying it for years it’s reflex it’s a tic and to you
every apology was a suicide note a notice
of my progressive apoptosis (it’s not
your fault it’s not
that hard to say I miss you) and for you
I weighted dice I counted cards I hid aces
up my sleeves and gave you my jacket and for you
I weighted words I counted stars just
to prove I couldn’t I hid galaxies in my mouth
just to prove I could (it’s not
your fault even though you asked me to) I
have been walking in circles on frozen floors
punching through windows cutting up
old love notes and paper snowflakes you
have been painting on cardboard walls
(my heart has grown out of yours and
there is nothing I can say to escape that)
I have been outside pounding on your windows you
have been boarding them up with lines about
how I was so close and should just
keep trying
(you kept saying they were paper but you lied) I
have been doing my makeup like yours and
drawing on my skin like you draw on your walls
you have been coloring over me
(there are other things breathing in your walls with me and we
are the heartbeat of the scenery
the god of the machine)
I have spent years backtracking to your door
I have spent years detaching from my floor it was
a picture you painted with your eyes closed and we thought
it was beautiful
it was a picture you painted of that void space
that existential wasteland behind our eyes and I thought
it was real (and there’s nothing I can say to make up for that)
I have spent years beating against brick walls until
my hands bled my picture
has become abstract
it’s like I’m imprisoned inches off the ground my consciousness
got lost in your blood spattered sky I have spent years
beating against brick walls until my hands broke you told me
to lift my feet up off the ground so I dragged them to the edge of a cliff
I have spent years beating against brick walls and
it has been years since I could touch anything at all
you saw the bones of my cut fingers and said they were beautiful
I will never pretend that wasn’t my fault (and
there’s nothing I can say to explain that)
I have been clawing at my face so you will call me beautiful
I cannot live anymore in this rotting skin
I think I’m ******* bleeding
I think I’m ******* toxic (I have heard you say
the same thing before and I’ll never know whether
you meant it) I wiped blood from your face
with my spit but you wouldn’t risk my infection
there was a kind of balance in the way you held me
on your fingertips but I have grown too heavy
because I was too much in myself to float off the ground with you
and too much in love to let go (I am trying so hard
not to be in love with this anymore) I swear to myself
that the feeling of this earth on my hands means more
to me than you do I swear to you
that in your existential rapture I will not purge myself
of your sins (my exodus did not come soon enough and
there’s nothing I can say to escape that)
I will breathe the prophesized sickness of this world
but I will not breathe the sickness out of you
never again will I look down at my footprints
and wonder who they belong to
it’s not that hard to remember
there was me and then there was my body
maybe they used to matter to you but
neither one belonged to me (and
there’s nothing I can say to make up for that
there’s nothing I can say to get them back)
Bullet Sep 2020
I’ve been backstabbed
I’ve been backhanded
I’ve been backflipping money
I've been backtracking destiny
I’ve been backed into a corner
I’ve been brought back
I’ve been traveling backroads
I’ve been treated with the backlash
I’ve been left alone with no backups

They’ve told me to backdown
I’m back on the ground
Dugout deep in their backyard
But I learn from the backwards
See me now in my new backdrop
I’m working harder then ever, I can’t feel the backache
They want me to backup but my moves don’t backtrack
So they now pull out a gun out of their backpack
They’re here to take me out back
But this time I’m standing up, I now have a backbone
So I fire back
Venusoul7 May 2014
I find it fascinating when those who know everything about something they claim is mysterious and Unknown are just simply backtracking into full-blown self projected admission that much of the Mystery is all their Own.
To claim knowledge of Others should not be stated lightly, for the arts of the Seer are held with high regard............do you claim your path has led you through fires to See, if so then that is fine Artistry, You See the Mystery, but reflect a confession you see in Your Self.
~ This hall of mirrors is rather tricky , So many times I mistaken my image as creation of someone else.
Humbly so, I offer a caution to be careful in these halls  where you look, distorted mirrors will still reflect, the twisted vision might make you think it's someone else....
I read a lot of mysteries that claim to be understood but then I wonder what exactly makes a mystery????
Arke Dec 2018
anyone else here enjoy slow torture,
like backtracking months ago
in chats of failed relationships
to cringe at how strongly you
loved or seeked approval or desired
realizing how long it was unreciprocal
watching your patterns and foolishness
wishing you could stop the you
from the past from breaking the heart
of every future version of yourself
reliving the past like ptsd
watching yourself die over again
to prove it was real, that you lived, once

so I travel back months in time
to when we still spoke
and wish I could revoke every feeling
take back every word and every sentence
stop myself before I said anything nice
but the past is set in electronic cyberspace
arguably more permanent than stone

so I read and internalize every "k"
every empty emoji or moments
you were terse or upset with me
because they remind me to always
choose the one who loves me most
to play it cool and careless instead
compartmentalize it and remind myself
the one who loves more loses more
free is the one who has nothing to lose
and I'll get there too, someday soon
but until I can lose my feelings entirely
I'll keep numbing them with words
the ones you wrote to me
the ones I wrote to you
the ones you never voiced
and the ones I keep writing to this void

I'm not a ******* but you still hurt so good.

— The End —