Doctor, doctor I’m feeling awfully ill
When he’s gone it’s like my world is gone too
And I’ve got serious symptoms of withdrawal
My fever’s burning like a nasty flu.  

Doctor, doctor I am losing my head
I’m addicted and I can’t get enough
In a cold achy sweat I’m stuck in bed
And desperate for another dose of love.

Doctor, doctor you tell me there’s no cure
No pill or remedy to ease my pain
I guess I’ll always be left wanting more
Until my last day when I go insane.  

Love’s a disease and I’m under the weather
But it’s the only sickness that makes you feel better.

Sitting in the back of truck beds should be required
Hair all over the place
Wind all in my face
Can barely open my eyes to see
but when I do
sights fill me up and open my mind
to all the beauty around me that I would never find.

In hawaii this is the best
driving in the back of truck beds
although my **** gets achy from the rough, cold truck
I wouldn't change my seat for the comfy one in the front.

So let us now place monetary value on information.
Let us return to the source,
Mining & prospecting that fertile intel seam.
To wit: WWII and G-2 shenanigans.
Wild Bill and OSS-capades,
Artificial disseminations.
Partial recriminations.
And PSYOPS:
A literary nightmare--
THE CYCLOPS from The Odyssey,
For example,
If you lack your own,
Your own personal Bogey Man.
Or men. For me:
Allen Dulles or Richard Helms.

The Intelligence Community:
It was a small tightly knit crew,
Less than battalion strength in 1942;
A few myopic soldiers,
Who, although could barely type,
Were still too cerebral to
Waste as infantry fodder.
It was a huge converted Army-green warehouse,
Space strategically partitioned,
Sectioned off into cubicle-like spaces,
By giant 4-drawer file cabinets
Standing tall like MPs,
Sentinels & Guardians,
Monuments to pre-electronic storage,
Data relatively comprehensive, and an
Archive secretive & intimidating.

Within the Army-green incunabula,
Scattered throughout the intel landscape,
Here and there a few commissioned officers,
A smattering of college psychology majors,
Personalities with predilections,
And penchants for mind games.
These self same WWII vets,
Would morph into Cold War Mad Men.
Stalwart, stouthearted men of Eisenhower,
And J. Walter Thompson,
De-mobbed, as they say in the UK.
Consumptive.
Self-indulgent,
Particularly when it came to the kids;
Children of the peace,
Called Baby-Boomers,
An entire generation enabled & destroyed.
Who would produce little of value
Except medical marijuana and
Coupons, clipped by that sober ruling class—
Fat interest-bearing college-loan portfolios
Held by that neo-Calvinist Elect: The 1%.
Fat cats one and all,
Loaded dice & canasta cronies--
In concert a stacked deck,
“Una mano lava l'altra.”
The words of my namesake--
My grandfather Giuseppe--
His vowels reverberating,
Rattling in my dreams.
Not friends, but
Fiends in high places, like
The Fed and dark liquid pools.
Thank you, Barack, for
Fooling us again.
For giving us
“Belief we can believe in.”

But I digress.
It was when the Government Secrecy Act,
In all its transnational incarnations,
Embraced capitalism in a big way,
Elevating the ideology to whole-Earth saturation,
Systemizing the ethos of Darwin,
Into one global Moby ****,
One solitary leviathan,
A multi-level marketing labyrinth,
Where wealth is the end game--
Greed: pure, unbridled & unrestrained.
Bond--James Bond—
Did his bit, supplying catchy
Slogans & tag-lines:
“For Your Eyes Only.”
“On a need to know basis.”
“Confidential Information.”
“Top & Ultra-Top Secret.”
“Hush, Hush & a Bag of Chips.”

The sealed letter sits in a locked drawer,
In that stout desk,
In the Oval Office
In The White House,
“To be opened by my VP in the event of my death.”
Another staggering work,
Of achy-achy-heart breaking genius,
The culture commoditized,
A disease containing its own cure,
Assayed, graded,
Portioned & packaged.
Priced accordingly,
To a logic that goes something like:
“Anything this tightly controlled,
Anything the government deems to be
This illegitimate and/or & secret
Must be really, really God-awesome,
Must really be Da ******* Bomb.”

Brother Coolidge was right:
“The Business of America is Business.”
And INFORMATION:
“The Most Valuable Commodity on Earth.”
So said Stanford Stuyvesant Whitehead III,
19th Century robber baron, and
Consummate Fat Cat.
Get the picture:
We were smoking cigars and sipping cognac,
Mighty comfortable in leather armchairs,
Muted billiard clicks,
Punctuating the atmosphere
In this spacious lounge,
His East Side
Downtown & private
Manhattan club.
I, his guest, had not the slightest idea
Why I was there.
"By God, man," he went on,
My eyes speared by his laser gaze,
His bushy eyebrows,
His monocle.
His bulbous nose;
His thick wet mustache.
And those EYES:  
Those crazy,
Insane eyes.

"I am talking about a profound change,” he continued.
“Back when the steamship
Gave way to electronic wireless radio."
He puffed smoke,
Removing the cigar from his mouth,
Holding it,
Examining it critically for a moment.
"I'm talking about communication,
Instant communication
With business associates, &
Cronies far away,
Way out there,
Far beyond the places we know well.
Picture it:
You're running a fleet of
Ramshackle Filipino banana boats,
Out of some nameless cove,
Indenting the south coast of Mindanao.
A cyclone comes out of nowhere.
Good God--there’s sixteen banana-packed
Coal burners lying on the bottom of the Celebes Sea.
Think about it:
You've got telegraph radio.
Everyone else has the post office.
Now, I ask you:
‘Who's going long,
Who’s getting rich on the
Caracas Banana Exchange?’
Good Lord, man, it would be
Like being omniscient!"
“This very conversation,” he went on,
“Could well be a verbatim transcription
Of a conversation right here in this very room,
Between people like: J. Pierpont Morgan
And some lesser Gilded Age nabob;
Some Astor, some Rockefeller,
A Gould or Vanderbilt,
Whitney or Duke,
Some Frick or Warburg--
To name just a few, old sport.”
He stopped suddenly.
He looked down at his hands,
As we both realized he had counted these names
Out on his fat curled fingers.
He looked at me and smiled.
I was afraid.
Why had I been invited to this meeting?
I smiled back at him,
Doing my best to mirror his
Carnivorous menace.

I knew it.
He knew it.
He knew I knew it.
Mr. Whitehead’s growling rabid jowls,
His slobbering canine smile held me steady.
“Okay. Touché. ‘Ya got me.”
He shook off the phony smile,
An absence, accentuating
His stare: lethal, carnal & rare.
“I never had much formal schooling.
I’ve been hungry.
Hungry enough to know for sure
That the correct fork,
Don’t mean ***** from shinola.
When I’m dining out, fancy-like,
Me manners is the least of me problems,
Far less important than
The dinner chit they
Hand me after I slake
My thirst & appetite.”
Again, he stopped suddenly,
Recognizing that, perhaps,
He’d revealed too much of his
Bedford-Stuyvesant pedigree.
He turned again and stared at me.
“None of that,” he said.
“None of that means squat to me, Boyo.
What matters now is I’m rich.
I’ve got mine, By God,
And ******* It!
Tough ***** on the rest of you losers;
The rest of you fecking whiners can go
**** yourselves over at Zuccotti Park.”
He pounded the armrest,
The padded armrest of the rich Corinthian leather—
( . . . ***, Ricardo?
Get your Montalbán
Mexicano ***, back in
Random Access Memory Land,
Where you belong.
**** ya’ Fantasy Island
Hospitality, Mr. Roarke,
Go be wrathful Khan Noon Singh,
Somewhere else.
Now is not the time, or,
Let me rephrase that:
This narrative will not allow your meme here . . .)    

Whitehead pounds the armrest again.
“My point is this:  
None of JP Morgan’s decidedly,
un-nattering lesser nabobs of negativity . . .”
BAM!  Again, he pounded the leather . . .

(Back in your ******* hole, Spiro!
Do you realize just how far back,
Just how far back
Maryland’s reputation
Has been set back by your venality?
Not to mention any shot at ethnic assimilation,
The rest of us grease ball non-Wasps
Have in this country?
You ******* Greek!)

I stopped thinking
When I realized Stanford Stuyvesant Whitehead III
Was reading my mind.
“So that’s what it’s really all about,” he said,
Rank smugness in his voice.
“So, I’m just a nouveau riche upstart,
A socially inept parvenu,
Yet they still let me
Join their tony clubs.
It chaps your ***, Boyo, don’t it?
I’m still Scotch-Irish, and
A WASP, Laddie.
Something your skinny
Greaser-Guinea-****-Spaghetti-*** ***,
Ain’t ever gonna be.”
But I digress, again.

So I joined one of Uncle Sam’s
Lesser-known clandestine services,
An assignment appropriate to my ethnic identity,
Namely GLADIO in Italy,
A NATO stay-behind operation &
Cold-War comedy.
I infiltrated the Brigate Rosse.
I drove the Aldo Moro kidnap vehicle.
I cooked minestrone for General Dozier.
I sliced off J. Paul Getty’s ear in Calabria.
Ironically, I lost my hearing during
The Stazione Bologna bombing.
I am consequently pensioned off,
Off both the radar and the payroll.
Years later now,
I live in one of those gated, golf-coursed,
Over-55, sunny southern California
Lunatic asylums.

Most days I am drunk at 9 AM.
I fill Bukowski mornings,
Conjuring up Jane Fonda,
Jazzercised in camo spandex.
She is high atop a Vietcong tank in Hanoi.
Or Daniel Ellsberg
Enjoying a second act in American politics,
Praising Snowden & Assange,
& Bradley Manning,
I summon up the ghosts of
Julius & Ethel,
Benedict Arnold,
Rose of Tokyo & Mata Hari—
And Ezra exiled at Rapallo,
And John Walker Lindh,
A Yankee Doodle Dandy,
Born in Washington,
District of Columbia,
By way of Afghanistan,
Taliban Americano,
Kangaroo-courted,
Presently residing at the
Federal Correctional Institution
At Terre Haute, Indiana.
Spies.
Traitors.
Saboteurs.
And Poets?
No longer capable of keeping secrets.
Desperate now to tell
The truth.

like a good poet, I whine and whinny:

the muses are unreliable, get too much paid vacation,
unlimited unpaid, and pretend their cells are out of range,
even when they are in bed with you and you’re near desperate
to cop a feel of inspiration

my problem is a variation on the theme. Everyday I jot down
too many possibilities, a handful of words added to the list of
pound bound childless titles, sad faced orphans, dogs and cats,
squeaking “pick me, pick me,”
our reply a casual
“you on the list” rather than admit they are titled, but bodiless
until cupid smashes a cupcake in my face and the bell rings

there they stand - at a friendless crossroads - direction home,
path unknown, awaiting a poet tour guide to complete them

if this sounds a bit like a bad achy breaky country song,
then you and I, on the same side of where I could be headed

cause at the friendless crossroads, always unsure, left foot first?  that first line, first step, could be a false messiah,
or a free-at-last, a free-at-last emancipation

but there are no sidelines in a forest there no sidelines in a poet’s mind; there are the minefields of mindfulness that can explore explode and explain why it is tempting to believe that every gifted one deserves a break today

but you cannot be broken or break off from the community

“Hillel said: Do not separate yourself from the community; and do not trust in yourself until the day of your death. Do not judge your fellow until you are in his place. Do not say something that cannot be understood but will be understood in the end. Say not: When I have time I will study because you may never have the time”

my friend,
substitute writing poetry for study, for study is for us the analysis of everything, that is, everything we say, see and know the need to communicate

so
those who abide in the life of good words will not suffer an abdication (yours)

do not think
there are friendless crossroads,
there are only crossroads that the eye cannot yet see a fellow sojourner coming toward him,
bearing an oversized load of
the inside insight of responsibility
that demands sharing

that is why we call our meetings at
a crossroads,
a cross

Mr. Jones you’re an All Star
You broke my Achy Breaky Heart
Because you’re cold as Ice Ice Baby
I saw The Sign but
I Would Do Anything for Love
If you don’t want What I Got
Good Riddance

My Heart Will Go On
But if you Wannabe
Living the Vida loca
Play that Funky Music
Baby One More Time

What’s my Age Again?
Smells like Teen Spirit
Its My Life and I feel like it’s over
Just Say My Name or
Quit Playing Games with my Heart
Genie in a Bottle please grant me three wishes
Because my life Don’t Impress Me Much.

I’m Blue. Da ba dee.
Im Torn.
Its been One Week
And I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing.
And of course there is No Rain.
Because all my Tears are in Heaven

I think I would enjoy an Iris
Much more than a Kiss from a Rose.

The sweet smell of raisins
fresh from the pack.
A lit cherry is a beating heart.
The wet end is as good
as kissed lips.
It makes my legs loose and
trembly like love.
Leaves me breathless and
achy.
Smoking scares you.
I smoke for inspiration,
the pains remind me I am alive,
and I'm not suppose to live forever.

Love is something the cosmos, even in their infinite wisdom cannot fathom.
Love is the bleeding periwinkle of twilight.
A moment; fleeting and seemingly unattainable.
An ache so embedded within your consciousness no amount of togetherness can subdue it.
Romeo and Juliet know that ache.
But could even they understand what it's like to see the heavens in the eyes of another?

Mom, I’m sick and getting worse
Could you please go call a nurse?  
My throat is achy, my fever’s high
And chills are running down my spine.

I think I’ll take this time to complain
There’s an achy feeling in my brain.  
All I can do is to fester in disease
While trying not to cough and sneeze.  

I guess I should stay home today
And put my homework on delay.  
But there is one thing I must confess
Today I skipped my calculus test.

when we're younger we feen for love
we crave something we've never felt before
hence why I was obsessed with Twilight novels
and cried during every Nicholas Sparks film

this is when we're barely growing *******
and boys are fascinated by bras and thongs
only later to love what is underneath them

we get older and experience grows
we eventually fall in love
maybe once
or maybe a hundred times

and every time it happens
it just gets harder and harder

we all let that one person in
they see all of our dark crevices
you parade the skeletons in your closet

and for a moment
sometimes longer
we think that this might be that person

but things get shaky
and we say things we don't mean

some of them move across the country
and others escape inside themselves

the ones we love are not always lovable
or they don't love us back

we build this thick skin
we hide behind drugs and alcohol
and we get too ****** up to remember when he held you in the middle of that field

we build up these hard walls on the outside
only because we are afraid to admit our innards are mush
and we can't take anymore heartbreak

because we gave ourselves to them
every achy memory
and they held us there
as we sobbed
and screamed
and punched away our demons

so now we are all afraid to love
because the purest thing we ever did feel
turned its back on us

love morphed into a demon within us
revealing its ****** teeth that were plunged into our hearts

we tell ourselves that we will never love again
for it hurts too much
and we are all too broken for anyone to love us again

that reassurance he gave you
disappears
it does not matter what he told you in that early morning shower
or how the warmth of your bodies came together in a foggy car

that is all the past
no matter how we reminisce we cannot get the love back
the purest of it has left us

so why is it when playing the field, we become so scared and insecure?
putting up this confident, independent front
where in reality we're praying for your acceptance?

women read loud magazines with advice columns
because we can't get the one on ourselves anymore
we're too insecure
and advice columns from a loud magazine somehow fit all of our situations

those bright words in that loud magazine can't fix the emptiness he left you with
when all you wanted was to be loved
and he couldn't give you enough of him

because he was broken too.

Sometimes those loud magazines are right
only the instance when they tell you to "be yourself"

it worked the first time didn't it?
a questionnaire in Cosmopolitan didn't tell you how to act that summer
your tactics from Manthropology 101 didn't get him to sit by you

it was your smile and the up turn of your eyes that made him fall in love with you
the sunshine in your hair and the freckles on your shoulders

he might have went away, but only for the fear of getting hurt like we all have
it wasn't you the second time around
one day you will need to accept that

So just be yourself
because that boy staring across the way at you
he isn't interested in your flirty planned out text messages
or the new lip stain that Glamour's guy panel has raved about

it's the blushing in your cheeks,
and that contagious smile
that got them all before.

So why stop that feeling again,
although you're scared to love,
why stop something that made you feel so complete before?

If he can give you butterflies again, an old self would call you foolish,
foolish for not taking your chance on the nice guy at the center.

*"It is a risk to love.
What if it doesn't work out?
Ah, but what if it does."
- Peter McWilliams

i can't remember when i last heard your voice
and i need you to know that i miss you.
but i don't think the words alone are enough.

i miss you.

I MISS YOU LIKE A BLIND MAN'S BULLSEYE.

I MISS YOU THE WAY A POOR MAN MISSES A ROOF OVER HIS HEAD.

I MISS YOU LIKE THE RUMBLING IN HIS UNFED STOMACH.

I MISS YOU LIKE THE COLD ACHY SPACE IN THIS HALF-EMPTY BED.

I MISS YOU LIKE EVERY POEM I ALMOST WROTE BUT FORGOT ABOUT BEFORE I FOUND A PEN TO WRITE IT DOWN.

I MISS YOU LIKE A FORGOTTEN BIRTHDAY.

I MISS YOU THE WAY JANUARY MISSES GREEN.

I MISS YOU LIKE MY FATHER'S BEDTIME STORIES.

I MISS YOU LIKE THE LAST TRAIN HOME.

MY CHEST IS CAVING. MY LUNGS ARE SHRIVELING,
AND WITH MY LAST BREATH I WILL SCREAM
THROUGH SPACE AND TIME - I MISS YOU.

IT'S TRUE, WHAT ALL THOSE POETS SAY ABOUT THE SUN & MOON - THAT THEY ARE GOING TO KEEP CHASING EACH OTHER FOR ETERNITY, THAT THEY WILL NEVER KNOW ONE ANOTHER'S TOUCH. SO I AM SENDING UP VENDING-MACHINE PRAYERS TO A MAY-OR-MAY-NOT-BE-THERE GOD, BEGGING HIM TO CLOSE THE GAP BETWEEN YOUR FINGERS AND THE SPACES BETWEEN MINE.

- m.f.

every achy bone inside me a relic
of the former self still inhabiting this shell.
exquisite fossils of the life once lived
my silhouette, housed in rock,
yet the softest part of me rotted out.
the vacancy in my expression
mirrors the hollowed out spaces
between each rib and every "what if"
my lungs carry haunted cries
apparitions you forged in my memory
phantom fingers singed the word
“remember” into my paper skin.
i am still smoldering.
chambers of my heart filled with cobwebs;
every strand of silk an unfulfilled wish.
we are still tangled up.
the spiders have crawled from our throats
but the dust is settling.
your fingers have intertwined
with the segments of my spine,
fists taking root in my chest, cradling a stone heart.
knuckles bent comfortably around each vertebrae,
your hands are cold.
the weight of all my sins is crushing me,
i suppose i should have noticed
when you read the lines in my palm like an obituary.
forgive me.

- m.f. & j.a

These limbs reach
They stretch to the limit
Of their mortal muscles
Extend towards the gem
In the dark
Shrouded in smoke
These achy limbs are ignorant
Only guessing
As to what this gem is exactly
My head is filled with
A pulling sensation
And it pulls me to this essence
This ruby, gold, emerald.
Or knowledge, riches, companionship.
I only know
That I must have
My diamond in the rough

loving you wasn't an innocent kind of love,
it was guilty and achy in a way that felt so good i couldn't even talk about it.
and when we finally decided it was time,
i lost my best friend.
i felt you forget me every evening before we became strangers
and i still wake up in tears in the middle of the night because in a dream, i remembered what it felt like when you held me

eventually, you become numb to the pain that is no longer constant
the feeling of nostalgia becomes muted by the louder sounds of life:
like the ringing alarm clock reminding you that you’ve still got a job to show up to,
like the radio announcer's voice telling you that we're expecting clear skies.
there are moments throughout the day when you forget to think about them, forget to stare at old pictures, forget to cry in bathroom at work
there are milestones that will take place and they won't show up;
like your graduation, or your brother's wedding
and you almost don't notice their absence.
almost.

you think you won't be able to go on without them,
but you do.
you find there are new songs stuck in your head, even if you never forget the lyrics to your old favourite one.
you learn to let go in small parts -
you hear his name and your body doesn't flinch,
you walk past the liquor aisle without thinking to pick up his favourite brand of whiskey.

and one day, without even realizing,
you notice how straight you stand without the weight of their world pushing down on your shoulders.

he used me everyday
his favorite electric soul
power he did know
distance I did go...
abuse always did follow

one day he found me
drained, rusted,
& out of juice
our magnetic force
had finally come loose

he cried frantically
desperately fixing me up
with man made tools
It was simply to late
a dead lover was his fate

lucky he
able to revive me
with little life left
I vibrated with long pauses
I had to return with proper causes

told my boy, I'm no toy
now kiss my achy breaky heart
only then will I begin again,
only then will our love restart!

I admire you a lot
For just being who you are
It makes me forget you not
You gave me a smile on fire

I miss you when you are far
My eyes long to meet your beautiful eyes
You set something in me like war
O, why do I feel this when time flies

When you're too close to me
It bothers me as well
Because when you talk so gently
I'm afraid I might deeply fell

Maybe we're better this way
Words unspoken, feelings unsaid
I know it's something we both pray
That may our hearts still be guarded

I want to say many things to you
Something I don't want to just keep inside
You have no idea how it makes me blue
When I'd rather keep silent and hide

I don't want to awaken things not on its time
I'd rather keep it to myself and sacrifice
Right now maybe it doesn't rhyme
But it's for the future's great surprise

Somehow it breaks my heart
The thought that I'd meet you in a while
On the corridor not too apart
And all I can do is just smile

To me, you are very dear
Maybe it's best to save the friendship
Rather than temporarily happy yet in fear
I don't want us to be in hardship

So maybe I would just keep this mine
And I guess I'd rather not tell at all
In time it will be fine
And I'd be thankful for this achy fall

It's not really goodbye
Rather, "Take care of yourself always"
I hope this will make us comfortably say hi
Whenever we cross ways

Maybe we'll meet again soon enough
And maybe the time is right
Maybe we'll be ready and our hearts are tough
Enough to push through something our hearts long to fight

the cold seeps into my bones
like tea in a cup of hot water

and like the hot tea
it burns me within
with its touch

i hate it

and as i sit on a warm bus
peering out the window
thinking of you

my hatred only grows

Tender weather summer
slumber ponder hunger
cover wonder lover
runner hunter comer

mainly gravely greatly
rainy daily ready
achy heavy crazy
lazy safety lately

hunted spotted haunted
solid gauntlet granted
plotted started halted
flawless gunner wanted

It was only partly cloudy when we showed up to the dance.
Polished, striding slick in all our style.
Lucky buckeyes stashed in pockets,
rabbits' feet clutched in our hands
          we marched up to that fancy fence
                             and asked,
          "When does the fun begin?"

It had only started raining when our escort let us past
the gate and led us on toward the door.
But I tripped on my own shoelace,
fell behind and watched you pass.
          Your smile turned to sour salt
                             and ash.
          You looked back and you laughed.

Count your friends up, count your digits
and your achy, sagging limbs.
Make sure none of them are missing
before you try to go swim.
                         'Cuz the rain is getting thick
                                                                   now
                        and this scene is getting sick.

                               Wretch me up.
               Soak me down right to the quick.

                     Thought somehow it could be saved.
                     Preserved or salvaged from decay.
                     Decidedly unjustified to chance.

                     But I bought these fancy shoes
                     with my last dime, got all these moves.
                     So waltz me off, stage right, with all the
                                             other trash.

The door was swinging inward, blocking your form from my view,
closing to a slant of yellow light.
Windows brightened golden inside;
out here ink night, black and blue.
          I saw you next through window panes
                             as you          
          cavorted with the lords.

The rainwater's slashing downward, raging cold against this face.
Curse escapes through blunted, yellow teeth.
Among finery you are dancing.
Here, I shiver in drenched rags.
          luck charms fell from fingers to
                             the dregs.
           When does the fun begin?

Count your friends up, count your digits
and your achy, sagging limbs.
Make sure none of them are missing
before you try to go swim.
                         'Cuz the rain is getting thick
                                                                   now
                        and this scene is getting sick.

                           Wretch me up.
             Soak me down right to the quick.

We scrawled out this stupid story
'til the pens fell from our hands--
'til exclamation points were
               dented,
              bent and
                  rent;
until we'd asked,
             "What's the final tally, mate?"

                       Now,
this bad and greasy hair
is hanging low over this face.
This ******, used up body droops
and slouches toward its age...

And the rain is like no bitter ex's invectives
ever taste.

               What's the final tally, mate?

Rain plummets from your branches
to my face,
Overflowing leaf's chimb
Onto unvigilant ish limbs
While my blinking eyes are dim,
You long for an embrace,

Without word yet of rejection,
You are ever bold.
You've thrown your achy breeze at me
And now you throw those icy leaves at me
Cause this pain to freeze in me.
With your icy hold.

I do not have a love for you
Deluging tree.
Stay close to your own stem,
You're a cold love I condemn
Leave me in my lonesome,
Can you not see?

I do not want your flowers, berries,
branch nor bark
I don't want your petals' play,
Nor your leafy locks to sway,
I want your leaflets to on this day
remain at far.

Your frosty touch on my skin
it blanches
I'm not ready for love so steely
I suspect I never will be
So stick to your own tree, please
Rainy branches.

You want to kiss her.
Lip color makes a sunrise blush-
You have to know
If she'll be soft inside.
You want to taste her,
To figure out,
if she'll dart or will she wallow.
You want to kiss her
but you can't say why.
You want to touch her.
Watch her skin across the room.
You know the hollows-
want to trace them with your thumb.
You'd be so gentle, you'd move yourself
with your deft hand,
you want to touch her-
but you can't see why.
You want to smell her.
Scrub that cheap scent from off her clothes.
Get close and know her
with every sensory she brings.
You want to smell her-
like on the pillow when she leaves.
You need to smell her
but you won't know why.
She makes you achy.
You know the tiny things about her.
You gather pieces,
watching out from under lashes.
You'd wait for timing.
You'd wait for fate to give you courage.
She makes you achy
And you don't fathom why.
She makes you need her and
you can not find
why.

Sahn

Everytime I see you
with your new
My heart aches because of you
and now I no longer have a value

The cloud are reflecting off my computer screen
Moving at a rapid pace
They have somewhere to be
They have to move on
Fading into my shadow
They’re like daggers

My head is like daggers

And my smile is like a rifle
Loops one more time
Just picking the achy strings
I think he’s exhausted
Really just ******* tired
And the way he sings

Just wants to speak

And pour all of his heart
Thoughts
Emotions
Pain
Pain
Pain

These pitches, John, they aren’t real

They aren’t right
You aren’t right
I’m listening to this for you
Because last night was the night I took your life
I was tired too
I was tired and used your insecurities

As an excuse

To blow you off
Bryce come back please
I love you
I CAN’T SEE WHAT I’m typing anymore
It’s waterwashed
I love you I love you

I lov you please

Please trust me
My tears are ocean currents
My calves are the sand
Pull me to La Jolla please now
Hold my hand Bryce
You’ll be unconscience in 5 minutes

Fiberglass isn’t all that dependable

Fiberglass will float on
You’re heart is lead
Let it sink
Hold my hand
Let it sink
They’ll find our bodies

Eaten decayed by algae

You look just as fine with your
Skin pruned and ribcage exposed
I would kiss you all the same with your
Toes consumed by fishes
4 times over John
4 times you don’t sound anymore like an answer

2 am,
you slept,
knees curled in towards your chest,
a ball,
trying to protect the fragile bones
lying there.

3 am,
you cried,
gripped your pillow tight,
begged for the lost to come back.

4 am,
you showered,
cleaned the sweat from your
achy limbs.

tried to scrub
the sadness from your hair.

5 am,
you made tea,
looked at a picture of them,
and wept.

6 am,
you walked,
flowers in one hand,
a book of poems in the other.

7 am,
you kneeled like a pastor
besides their grave,
prayed for deliverance,
prayed to see their eyes,
just once more.

8 am,
you read to them,
love stories,
you told them about your adventures,
and how you aren't doing so well.

9 am,
you slept with your hands
dug in the dirt,
wishing you could dig them out
and hold them in your arms.

10 am,
you gathered your things,
and walked back alone.

11 am,
you flopped yourself on the bed,
you wished you were dead.

Reach into me, scour me for my soul, throw it up against the wall,
**** it.
Powerless, vulnerable, submissive is my soul.
Offering, willingly, hoping it may not hurt. Though it always hurts.
I know I will never escape.
Though achy and sad, I am free in the throes.
I let go of who I am and forget that it's me.
Letting go of myself and my life and my problems and my joy and my pain and my worries and my sorrows and my dreams and my fears and my feelings and my thoughts and my colors and myself and becoming nothing.
I love being nothing.
When I’m nothing I don’t have to be anything ever again.
Lonely nonexistence is my favorite pastime.

Sometimes it's like a drum in this deep deep tummy place
Always rhythm always pulsing away
Like waves rippling out
Over and over
Very very gently rocking
Like an undertone
Drumming through

Sometimes it's like sickly sweet sap deep in my throat
Achy
Coating everything
Oozy
Liquid
Tarry
Burning acid around the edges

Sometimes it's like a huge trampoline
Everything moving
Up and down
In slow motion
Breaking up on impact
In my heart
Disintegrating
A bit at a time

Sometimes it’s like sand
Falling through clenched fists
Slowly caressing them to open
Relax
Just a little bit
Compelling them to yield to the constant motion
To the gentle gentle cascade
So gentle I can’t stand it
So gentle I actually can’t stand

Sometimes it’s like a slap bracelet
A moment of contact
And instantly
Wrapped all around
Totally gripped
Coming to on a bathroom floor
Bells and dishes clanking in the background

Sometimes it’s like nerve endings
A young fern
Unfurling
Cautiously
Recoiling easily
Healing
Raw and delicate

Sometimes it’s like the wind in the swaying trees is whispering
Singing
Howling:
You are loved
You are loved
You are loved
You are forgiven
You are loved
You are a part of us
You belong
You are a beloved child of the wild

Sometimes it’s like confusion
Marshy
Organic
Alive
Decomposing
Dark
Trusting the process
Trusting life

Often it’s like ungraspability
Trying, failing, words
Loving eyes
Comforting faces
Guiding hands
Achy knees
Bright sun
A heart

It’s just like becoming alive

I slurp down
a salty golden liquid
full of lacerated noodles and flakes
which glisten in their own yellowed oil spill.

I tip the bowl to my mouth
and it fills my stomach from the bottom.

She's made it just for me,
just in time for my despair
although she didn't know that
when she made it.

I'm sick!
I tell her.
I was.

Fever, achy joints,
pits of nausea, and silicone pain,
the works.

I'm getting better.
there is just a dull ache left
but I am still sick
in the head.

A head where plays
a tug of war between
anguish with a goofy hat
and comedy with a noose.

My body gets dragged along with
my chemical eruptions
both biological
and habit-forming,
and my body grows tired.

The soup goes down quick;
the main course after leftovers from lunch.
And all of it fizzles in my belly.

A cigarette might help all of it a little.
Except for the despair.
The soup is for my despair.

The ugly poetess
Over the housetops,
Above the dry blades of the sugar cane husks
I have known fear, I have known hunger
I felt the pain of a nail wound deep in my foot
I belted out the blues like Nina Simone
An era of reform: the moments of truth,

On top of the hill, lies a village in Barbados
Acid rain, rooftop leaks on to my bed
It was a rough year:
only food sources were rice and breadfruits
We lived through it all:

It was my destiny:
To love and to hate them:
those old fruit loops

Through the eyes of a uprising poet
The curving of his pen,
Somehow, he made amends, he purge
the smoky air,
the disgusting sight of the pig pens
out of his mind

lack of personal dental hygiene,
the elders lost their teeth
Grinding down on sugarcane, while they
awaits the big meal of the day
Supper!

With innocent eyes and achy feet
I read so many books for inner peace

My stomach was empty,
but my mind was at ease
To dream big while aiming high

Marlene, Delores, and Linda
Known as the vanishing three
Migrated to North America
Where a Barefooted child
like me wasn’t supposed to be
Eventually, I know I would have followed

I have woven my feathers,
while looking upwards,
In my little corner under the old rusty galvanizes
.
At the old country shop the vanishing three mothers
told me that I wasn’t pretty enough to leave the island
Words of hatred, mere words of discomfort
I felt my wings tighten against my rib cage,
My tongue, glued against my jaws

From that day forward the poet smile against stupidity
And spitefulness, she too had come to
Eat her words, the old shopkeeper

The poetess enter another line from that era
Uncaring beauty without brains
Where are they now?

I walked with confident down that street
The misty air moist my skin
The poetess return to the Island of Barbados
Without the sugar in her blood..
.

Spices/nices... sweets and creams. Smells like home
Bodega my senses. Herbs/Lotions. from across time and the ocean.
                                        Remedies for achy knees.
                                        Cough syrup/liniments.
Mangoes and tangerines.
Mamae/papaya.
Waha leaf.                       Tree bark/arrowroot.
                                        Nescafe/Milo.

Pastries.Puddings.
cakes and tamales.
Ginger beer/seaweed sweet drink

Love potions in the back room.
spells and fixes too.
Yeah the old is new.

The Bodega is a slice of home,
mysterious and familiar.
good for what  ails ya.

Placebo ? oh no
cho man.

Twenty-somethings, homeless,
but with perfect fashion,

in muted greys and translucent lilacs
sit outside Union Square.

They have the coolest tattoos
and the coolest carboard signs,

all more transcendental and valuable
than the sidewalk they sleep on.

Some are tweaking, some are sleep,
some lean and have spit dribbling

from their burned lips as they drift
into a coma, like war heroes.

I want to give them a bowl
of my homemade vegan chili.

They can have cheese and sour cream,
depending how righteous they are.

I want to speak sweetly with their mothers
while they prune geraniums
along the cracked and faded sidewalk.

I wont smoke in their parent's garage
like an outcast uncle,
or have more than one beer with dinner.

The next day I’ll go back to the storefront
to explain everything I've learned, over
instant coffee and Entenmanns.

This time it's their turn to share wisdom
as 13th Street muscles from slumber,
achy under the weight of lost bodegas
and barbershops.

I’ve been told every homeless person needs a sign,
no matter what variation or breed.

Some write a new message every day, some stick to one,
but only a few don’t write anything at all.

“Not even gonna lie:
need money for bud.”

The pulse behind the sign renders words irrelevant.

The 500 year old Chinese woman captures the room
like a drunk teenager.

The oily scarecrow with a leather hat dances,
rattling his tin can.

Only occasionally will an assertive hungry hobo be satisfied
with a granola bar in place of anything less than Jackson.

“This is what it sounds like,
when the doves cry.”

Southern church bells ringing through dive bars filled with sinners.

Wake up; be happy
Wake up; be happy
The sun is shining above

Wake up; be happy
Wake up; be happy
Can't you feel the love?

The sky may be cloudy,
The weather windy
But i will warm you up

Though you're tired
A little achy
I'll fix you with my love

So wake up; be happy
Wake up; and be happy
Give me all your love

Wake up; be happy
Wake up; be happy
Don't mind the clouds above

Its all in your head
This dream you were dead
I'll hold you safe and warm

Wrap your self around me
I'll make you happy
Forever and ever my love

Just wake up
A little
Wake up
Be happy
My love