I am an old fashioned lover,
When I love I really
REALLY love,
Pour out all of me,
For and over and all about
The woman I adore,

And sometimes it has been
Worth it and wonderful,
Time and a journey shared,
And sometimes, truthfully?
Not so much wonder full,
So much as I really wonder why,

And then there's you,
Poured out over big time
Loved and adored to my detriment,
But sharing and reciprocation?
No, you were are and always will be

All about

You.

I am that well that
Was never dug,
Some people laid scratches
In the earth
But that was all,
Discovered that digging
Is hard and takes
Up effort,
When my soil was not
Already freshly dug
They elect to dig elsewhere,
And leave my copious
Waters untapped,
Unsupped,
Unloved

How many times have
We each said that
One to another,
You to me
And me to you,
Just a word and yet
A whole sentence,
Entire paragraphs on occasion,
Hey hello,
Hey how's it going?
Hey, I have missed you
And I love you
And I am so very very glad
We are in one another's lives
Because it, and this, and we
Are precious,

And although you in your mood
And anger and self-righteous
ADHD infused rage
May never say hey to me
Again in this life,
Even though soon
If not already
Your strop will thaw
And your softness return but
Stay painted in a corner
Against the risk of finding love,
Although you only see the ****** bits
And focus on anything but those
Truly great memories we have,
Despite all that
I am am still here,
And despite verse two I am still
Standing here,

And I am still saying

HEY

Can you hear?

Another row and another
****** parting,
Hearts hard and yet
Crying inside,
Anger and passion compete
With yearning and sadness at loss,

We do not know,
You and I,
How to end or part,
And neither
It seems can we have
Harmony between us,

But that is what I want,
That is what you desire,
Even in the midst of war
We both say that
We tire of the fight,
And in not wanting that

We do actually agree,
We both want peace,
We both desire love,
We both yearn to fill
The same aching
****** void,

Well you fill mine,
And I fill yours,
At least we could if our
Rage would let us,
So here's a flag of truce,
Will you honour it?

Can we know that peace

We both

Desire

And

Need?

I have given you the bakery,
The flour mill,
The barn,
I have passed the keys and title
To these allegories of
My heart entire,
Placed them in your care,
Expecting the deeds to your
Estate at some point in return,
Your physicality,
Your romance,
Love
And your desire and yet
Your response is nary
A crumb,
Let alone a slice or a loaf
From even my own oven,
The flour that I have planted and grown,
And harvested and milled,
All counts for nowt,
So I'm folding those deeds away now,
And watching and waiting
To see what crop
You choose to reap instead,
What crop,
Which farm,
And indeed with whom.

I have said I love you
So many times,
Yet that was not enough,
I have changed my very
Heart and soul
To return the real me,
That too was not enough,
I have buttled and battled
For you and for us,
Put self last and
Impoverished myself,
Even so twas not enough

Til now as if waking,
The worried words of friends
Break through,
Ring true,
For all that I
Poured myself out
Over and into you,
The return on my investment,
Love and heart and soul,
That return - requited nurture,
That visceral need for me,
That love returned,
It is actually THAT

Thats

Not

Enough

My old friend,
A famous song and I love to be in the dark of a near silent wood,
Especially with good company
Of worthy friends,
But the darkness referred to in the song is nobody's friend,

The darkness of the soul when life goes south,
When illness strikes or hearts are broken
Then darkness comes
To **** out life and joy
And happiness,

I am in that darkness now
But I refuse to submit,
I will NOT sit blinded
By my sadness and
That which is inflicted,

I shall live my grief
And outlast it until such time
As love returns and the sun rises
On a new day
Or a returning love

One way or another my heart will sing again

I shall prevail

Do indeed stay close
In the hard times,
I have stuck by you
And had your back in
The face of your *******
Tirades,
Come flowers in hand to bind wounds
That you inflicted upon yourself,
As well as me,
And not just emotional but
Some which spilled real blood too,
Yet always here to do your dishes,
To cook,
Clean your hob and hold you,
Murmur love through your anger
And your pain,
I am far more than a true friend,
I am partner
Protector and
Lover
Without end

We are all the sum
Of choices made,
Whether right or whether wrong,
Made in good faith
Or in bad,
And the Good Lord knows
I have made many good but
Also many bad,
Worse than that I have acted
Upon the worst of these,
As much as on the best,
But here is the question
That I wonder,
When it came from push
To shove,
I chose
You,
Did I do right to love you?
Or is this love just another
Poor and painful
Choice?
Only you can truly answer,
But to see that I have invested My all in your net nothing
Would break my heart

So you have bombed the dam
And released your rage
Upon the valley below,
Sought to sweep away
That which irks,
Destroy me and us,
Move on triumphant
From all that was,
Just as you have before,

Yet there is a flaw in your
Rank intent to wipe clean
The slate and me remove
From your life
And the one we shared,
Because in amongst the
Eddies of the valley flooded
By your rage,
I am still here standing

With arms outstretched

Waiting on your return

Love hurts, love scars
Love wounds and marks
Any heart
Not tough or strong enough
To take a lot of pain, take a lot of pain
Love is like a cloud
Holds a lot of rain
Love hurts
Ooh, ooh, love hurts
I'm young, I know, but even so
I know a thing or two
I learned from you
I really learned a lot, really learned a lot
Love is like a flame
It burns you when it's hot
Love hurts
Ooh, ooh, love hurts
Some fools think of happiness
Blissfulness, togetherness
Some fools fool themselves, I guess
They're not foolin' me
I know it isn't true
I know it isn't true
Love is just a lie
Made to make you blue
Love hurts
Ooh, ooh, love hurts
Ooh, ooh, love hurts
I know it isn't true
I know it isn't true
Love is just a lie
Made to make you blue
Love hurts
Ooh, ooh, love hurts
Ooh, ooh, love hurts
Ooh, ooh...

Perspective,
Who knew it could be so destructive?
Like the torrent from a breached dam
Driving all before it,
All the good, all the bad,
The imperfect wonder that was you and I
Picked up and flung down the mountain
We climbed so painfully,

Thundering mindless rage and
Self centred affront,
Without ears to hear
Or Understand or process,
No H.U.P,
Just mindless plunging
At the behest of the gravity-like
Decision you made to anger,

So now we are floundering -
Or maybe in your case contentedly floating? -
In the swirling waters of destruction
Surrounded by flotsam and jetsam
Of hopes and dreams,
Of a fulfilling marriage of hearts and minds,
Maybe even marriage of rings and hats and church,
All now sodden and waterlogged

I wonder will it be worth it
One day for you?
To have finally achieved this level
Of destruction to you and to me?
To the future us that we
May now never know?
For I know this sweet heart,
It was not the shoes that did not fit

It was just a grit in the sock,
And the socks are not what
You are disposing of,
Those are still on your feet and the grit
Remains,
Waiting for the next shoe,
Waiting for the next inevitable
Irritation and eventual throwing away

Of another dream

I sit once more dismissed,
A lonely figure in my head and my heart,
Aware of the specific trigger
For my sacking as your partner, lover, friend,
Yet also keenly aware that

Once again ADHD has twisted reality
And scale and proportion
To the point your rage knows
Nearly no bounds,
Only that I must be destroyed

And in this there is such
Injustice and a great untruth,
Because I read your verse,
I see the photo's we took even on a day
When we met but to part,

And what I see,
What I see over and over and over,
Is the flow of love from thee to me
And me to thee and thence back,
A circular intimacy without end,

Until you took bolt cutters to it
Sought to free a link in the chain
You feel has bound me to you
And you to me,
And us to we,

But here is the thing love,
That loop is like Hercules soul,
'Tis harder than you think to cut,
There is always a hair's breadth
You cannot ever sever,

Yet for now I must wait alone in the shadows,
Away from the warmth of our love,
That irrational you that arose from
Pain and ADHD
Must depart before

The real us

Can

Return

When something is lost,
As my keys were,
One searches for it
With varying degrees
Of diligence and desperation,

We trace and retrace our steps,
Looking in the same spaces
For the same thing
With the same result,
But wearier each time

Until at last the item
Is retrieved and found,
In that case by you,
Keys sun-glinting
In your hand

A wonderful shared moment,
Relief and triumph,
A happy weariness
At laying eyes upon the lost
Now found,

Yet how does it work,
This new dynamic?
Because what is lost
Is right here in my heart,
She can be hugged and yet

Is still

Utterly

Lost

So this is what desperately
Sad feels like,
Not a harsh dynamic
Jabbing pain,
No explosions or clashing swords,
Just a semi sleepless night
And a waking
Full of realisation and
An awful cloying
Mass of futility,
A physical pain clamped
About the heart,
Enough to recall
My heart attack,

Well maybe so,
The pain is ramping
So maybe heart broken
Is not just a token phrase
This time

I wake abruptly
In the early hours,
To a lungful of
Icy air,
The curtains flapping idly
In the breeze,

Fear fades as I recognise my
Darkened room,
Well known shapes
Of furniture
And shadows cast by
Newly bulbed street lights

Yet what woke me
Was and indeed remains
A mystery,
But something did,
Something lost or hiding now in
Mists of memory

Through which my minds eye
Cannot pierce,
But vaguely seen are
Edges and corners
Hovering at perceptions edge
As I roll over

And go

Back to sleep

I had a near miss
The other day,
Or at least it certainly
Felt like one

Felt the mortal coil
Slip a bit lower,
Fall a little looser
About my frame,

And although I was
Distraught at not being
Able to see my kids
Nor to set all records straight

At least I'd turned a corner
Into truth and love,
And as I closed my eyes
A final time I knew

I'd told my final Lie,
Knew I'd chosen
Truth and love
Before my final breath

I felt deaths feather
Touch my face the other day
As my racing heart
Was beating from my chest,

The faintest touch as
Azrael swept past
My parked car with
Door ajar

I felt him draw
My soul into his wake
As he passed along the road
And yet he barely paused

And though I would
Have followed him,
And left this mortal coil
Had indeed made truce with God

And implored He grant peace to
Those I wronged and for
My children
To stay safe,

Yet once he'd passed my
Soul was still within
The bounds of my automobile,
And you had brought me water

Peace eludes the twisted heart
Or callous soul,
Even when twists and callousness
Are aimed at avoiding pain,

Peace eludes the heart
Divided against itself
And the mouth with
A forked tongue

Will find no calm,
But truth delivered,
Though full of fear
And creating pain

Now therein lies
The peace of a righteous man,
Even if that truth he speaks
Is painful,

And if that truth is
Given freely
And with good intent
Even after some delay

Then that man
Can also be
Just as good
As that truth he speaks

I fell over the other day,
Silly and embarrassing really,
Also ****** painful and in truth?
Avoidable!

But it got me thinking because
I was pulling on a rope when it happened,
A rope that then gave way,
It doesn't matter how,

And as I fell
I grasped that natural fibre cord
Even harder as if it
Even then would save me

From the painful landing,
No breaking fall,
No twist or roll just falling
Holding a slack hempen line,

But we all do this in life,
We hold our dreams long past
The point where they
Even slightly may come true,

We grasp them ever tighter
Even as they slip through the fingers
Of our hearts
And lonely souls

Until we land as I did
In a heap - covered not in mud
But in the knowledge not sjust
That it is over (whatever "it" may be)

So much as that it never was

Nor in fact would ever be

You can really hurt yourself
If you hold your breath too long,
Headaches and dulled vision,
Part way to passing out with enough
Determination,
Add water and depth and a swift rise,
The bends as bubbles of gas
Form in unhelpful places,
Or swam too deep too far
And barely making the surface
That suddenly seems so far
From my feebly flapping limbs,

I guess we have all held
Our breath across the years,
Waiting on some thing or someone
To finally come good,
Or arrive or even just to be,
Somehow or somewhere or somewhen,
Breath suspended,
Life on hold just waiting with
Inextinguishable hope
Of something good,
And precious,
Worth waiting for,

Well I know I have,
And I know I have been the one,
The thing and or the circumstance
That has caused breath to be held,
And to my shame not always
Was I worth it,
But now - actually it is me with bursting lungs,
And the pain is near unbearable,
Perhaps time to let out that air with
A loud and pain filled gush,
To turn and start the swim
To shore

Some dreams are never meant

To be

A race horse lives,
Indeed is bred and cherished,
To run and to gallop and to lead the field,
To leap improbable heights
And depths,
And above all this to win,

Not to fall at the first,
Or the second,
Or the third fourth and fifth,
They are creatures of
Air and thunder,
Of flying hooves and sods of earth,

Sometimes indeed they fall,
Then rise riderless
And confused,
Unsure where to go or
Indeed how fast
Or even indeed why?

But these are gathered
Gently from the field,
And returned via expensive
Wagons to the stable,
Where lads and girls and vets
Are waiting to get them right,

A veritabe deluge of love
And care and expertise
Awaits these amazing equine
Flights of fancy,
Whatever their mistakes,
Whoever they threw from the saddle,

That partnership between
Jockey and horse breeds
Love and forgiveness
No matter the error,
No matter the pain of heart
Or soul,

But what of the horse
That breaks a leg,
That does not rise
But screams too long,
Too loud?
Alas that horse however fine,

That horse is always shot,

I fell over at the weekend,
Fell clenching a rope
That was no longer there to support
And so it didn't,
And James hit the deck with a thud,

And it hurt if I'm honest,
Knocked the wind right from me
And sent shock waves
Through every *****
Every sinew vein and muscle,

As I lay there with a
Worrying spikey pain,
I wondered whether I was damaged
Or just jarred,
Okay or out of the game,

But then the cameras came out
And so did pride
And pragmatism,
And a rapid standing up
Because - well - you know....

This is not the first time I have fallen
And probably wont be the last,
Because **** happens like that
in life and just the same in love,

Because stuff,
And people,
Will always
Let you
Down

My horse was showing so much promise,
Fit and healthy,
Much loved and admired
Fresh fed and groomed to a shine,

But a shiny coat and tack doesn't matter much,
What goes on the track counts more,
Amidst the thundering hooves
The sweat and flying turf

It's the placing at the line
That counts,
And my horse?
She fell

At the first.

Girls and ladies dream
Of and desire
A knight in shining armour,
Gallantry and bravery to
Sweep them from their feet
To a happily ever after,

But take it from
One who knows,
No knight that ever fought
For his lady
Had her back,
Has armour shining pure,

It takes sacrifice and
Mental melee - sometimes brutal
To maintain love in this desperate
War called life,
And no man did a hard day's work
Nor fought in war and

Came away unscathed and undirtied,
A true knight's armour,
Though burnished as best may be
And glittering in the sun
Has dents and gouges absent
In a woman's dreams,

Every mistake every failure
Shows in his history and
Cannot be polished out
But that he polishes what remains
Is testament to a true heart,
And a man worth keeping

I dont want to have to rescue you,
Although I always will,
If you call me for aid,

I do not wish to follow you
Over the side into
Waters deep and cold,

Although I always will,
If you call me for aid,

Dont want to save you
From self drowning,
While you fight with me,

Although I always will,
If you call me for aid,

I do want us to swim,
In waters calm and warm,
Together

I always will,
If you call me,

I have always had your back,
And if allowed
I always will,

But I'd love it most
My love,
If you were by my side.

I lost an eight year old,
I don't know where
He is but I'm pretty
Sure he's gone
For good,

Thank God for that small mercy!
He drove me mad
Controlling my ****** life,
Rude and selfish little ****,
Unbearable little ****,

I still have a hurting
Babe in arms though,
Weeping in his pain,
But he is healing fast
As I hold him to my heart

And tell him from
My adult self
That it's okay now,
He is much loved,
And all will indeed

Be well.

Like the moon I have
A dark side,
Just as everybody does,
Even the most amazing
Alabaster lady,

But the most important
Aspect of the moon's
Dark side is not
The darkness but
The mystery,

The unknown unseen
Parts of us,
However my dark has been,
Remains indeed,
Illuminated by

Self knowledge,
A new found self respect,
Self awareness,
Aware of my great worth,
And the value that I bring,

And I finally love who I am,

Now to find the one
Who will admit
They love me too,
Entirely, wholly,
Truly

From the perspective
Of improvement I can see
That there was a lot of
Darkness in me
Or mayhap more an absence
Of light,

I am not  
Nor ever have been
A bad man,
But like many "not bad men"
I have done bad things
To people that I love,

And that does not
Sit easy with me,
But looking deep inside
I can see not so much
That I have changed
As regained my true self,

It is as if that bright pure
Core in me became,
Like the hull of a vessel
At sea
Encrusted with ****
And barnacles,

A lack of awareness of
Other's needs or hurts,
A selfishness and unworthiness
Of action and attitude,
Even towards my kin
And she that I adore,

These things encrusted
My good heart,
My core,
With unworthiness
That dimmed the light
That burns within me,

I am like a sailing ship,
Emptied of loose gear and
Run up on a beach,
Masts hauled down and hull
Heeled hard over,
To expose encrusted planks

To daylight,
Then the indignity
Of scŕaping awày that ****
And in front of one I love
To boot,
But I got my brightness back

And now, like
That sailing ship,
I am newly refloated,
Reprovisioned,
In all respects ready
For sea,

And I wait for
A destination,
And - God willing - a fellow
Vessel to sail with,
Preferably in close company,
Or otherwise

Alone

I wrote that my
Eight year old
Is no longer screaming,
That a loving hand
Watered the budded rose
Deep within him
And therefore me,
And thereby changed
EVERYTHING,

Now life is like walking
Across an ancient battlefield,
I know for sure
That armed struggle
And violence took place
Right where I walk,
But now the breeze
Carries only the sound
Of bird's songs

My feet swish through
Meadow grass,
No longer mud
From Flanders fields,
I like,
No in fact I love
Walking here now,
Will you perhaps
Come walk here too?

It seems I have been fighting
One way or another
My entire life,
For justice,
Recognition,
For a chance,
Success,
To right a wrong,
To be heard,
Sometimes I have simply
Been an agent of chaos,
At war with myself or
Maybe just from habit?
I really do not know,
But this thing I do now know,

I am done with fighting,
Done with begging
And proving and supplication,
Done with over egging
The situation,
Done with self recrimination
And recrimination of other people,
Done with fighting,
Done with guilt,
Finished with manoeuvring
And tactics and strategy,
Or whatever that label is,
Ÿou either love me
Or you don't,
You will want me,
Or you wont,

I no longer need to win,
I no longer need be right,
Heck I can cope
With being wrong -
Who knew?
I just need to know,
And from that moment onward,
In very truth from this one,
One way or another
You and I
Will have peace,
Because
The wars,
Are OVER,
We have reached
Our armistice

It's  quiet here now,
The house is at peace,
Doors locked and mostly
The occupants are sleeping,

I am sitting alone on the sofa
Listening as my son
Adjusts upon his airbed
A few feet away,

This may well be
The last time I am here
With both my children,
And that saddens me,

I have a mad mother
A dysfunctional dad,
(At least they are alive)
Yet it seems a lonely life
Is just around the corner,

Not it seems worth the love of
A good woman,
Except that's not true I AM,
Its just you struggle to see

That you do

In  fact

Love

Me

Freddy Mercury sang that
These are the days of our lives,
And that legend had it oh so right!
Every day commences with
A brand new dawn, and we have seen about a thousand since we met.
I hope that we will see at least
Ten thousand more
Leading days of joy
Before I die,
Laid to rest by a lady
Who loves me

...have appeared that
I thought it was all about me,
But it truly never was,
It has always only been,
Ever about just you,

I did let my pain
Obscure my focus for
Just a little while,
But even in the midst
My intent was all on you,

Or maybe not because
You alone are merely amazing,
Loving gracious and kind,
What's got my wholehearted attention
Is actually US,

Without me or you
There is no us
For either of us to focus on
Or worry over,
Just you and I apart,

And whilst I would not
See that come to pass,
The choice my side was made
Long ago,
The choicè and the knowing

Are yours to find,
But know this lady,
We have already been
So very much for one another,
For my part the best moments in my life

For you too the best of times
As well as the worst,
But the question I would know?
How much more might we yet become?

You may not know you love me,
You may not value that love you know I bear,
You may not see the service
That I provide,
Nor desire the years of love
And dedication that I
Offered from figurative
And indeed a literal knee,

But I know you do love me,
Just hoped you'd show it more,
Although in fact you do show it when
The chips are down,
I DO value my love,
A truer and rarer thing
You will not find,

The service?

Meh! I love you
So it just came but
It made a difference to your life,
The years that I have offered Appear to count for nowt,
But they are what remains
Of me,
Offered in humility

And love,
To me these things were
And are
Important,
Not so readily cast aside,
Yet it seems you may not
Find an answering flame inside,
And even that maybe concept Really really hurts,

I am that prince
With a razor sword who
Ventured into that twisted
Thorny forest which
None thus far survived,

I am that knight
In armour bright who
Refused to fear the vines
And spines
And bubbling vitriol,

I  am the man
Clothed now in rags,
Torn flesh and bleeding
Heart labouring for
Lack of air and

Hurting for the lack of love
In the little ways,
The ways that count,
The ways that nourish
A relationship

And make sacrifice
Not just worthwhile
But a joyous act
Of service to one
I love,

Dragging myself  
Upon all emaciated fours
Through fresh thrown
Mud and hard edged
Indifference,

I am a pile of bones  
Bleached by the sun,
Gnawed upon by wolves,
Bereft of flesh yet
Bearing even now

A kiss to wake

My sleeping

Beauty

My nan died in 2005
And I inherited a money plant,
The last living possession
That she had,
And I have treasured it,

Yet despite my care
It was burned by the sun
And almost died,
Reduced from ten inches
Of shiny green health
To a stub from which
The last two leaves dropped,

Dead

But I changed the soil
And replanted those leaves,
Pressing them into the
Moist fresh dark compost,

And slowly,
Banned from interference
By those who revile me,
Those precious leaves
Have rooted,

They stand now upon a tiny stem,
Lifting themselves off the dirt
A shiny new leaf forming,
Determined to stretch skyward

And so with us.
We may be tired and weary,
Fed up with the war,
The rows,

But we have in fact
Changed OUR soil,
This compost is nutritious,
Supportive and healthy,

We can grow in this,
Love is enough because
It has all the good it needs,
The bad has been cut away

I get that your fingers
Are not green,
I feel your weariness,
So lean on me while

I continue weeding,
And soon and very soon,
We will reap a bumper crop
Of all we each deserve

True love,
Love - period,
Can conquer all things,
It is an inexhaustible source
Of glorious beautiful energy,
The thing that binds us,
One to another
Or one to team
To nation or to God,

If you do not love me,
Will I still love you?
Will I have your back?
Will I still desire to be
Of service to you?
Share your table?
Share your home?
Share your body
And your bed?

Yes and yes and yes again,
And yet if you
Truly honestly do not
Love me,
Or rather since I see most clearly
That you do,
If you refuse to see or let
Your body mind and heart
Perceive that love,
Then what's the ****** point?