I am trapped in a sea of people looking the same.
A head full of hollow thoughts
I stare blankly at a galaxy
Across a universe to a future that doesn't look anything like the past
An ocean of sadness and emptiness,
Never wavering,
But never moving forward either.
We are heading toward the same nameless goal,
Looking up to the same empty sky with no promises of a brighter tomorrow.
A past made of clay…
We waited too long to move
Now we cannot turn back.
We are prisoners of our own bodies.

People take moments for granted but

When you made a grab for my hand

I could see everything in slow motion

The tension in my hands
Fists balling and relaxing
Twitching
I see it in your eyes
You want to kiss me
I think
Perhaps
I want you to
I am afraid if your lips graze mine
I will come undone
I am afraid if your mouth touches mine
I will fall in love
And I stare at you
Wetting your lips in need
I need you
To run after me and catch me

I want to grab your hand and lock us in handcuffs

I want metal to link our bodies the way I want love to link our souls

I want your fingers against mine
I want
Everything

When you talk to me
All I can hear is
The sound of her voice in yours
When I look into your eyes
All I can see is
Her reflection in yours
She is everywhere
And I have looked beneath your soul too many times
Hoping
Praying
I would find something that belongs to me within you
But
She hides in every corner
And I am in plain sight
A sitting duck waiting to be shot
By the very hands that used to hold me in my sleep
You have never deemed me worthy
Of tucking me in the folds of your heart
And as I lay here in the cold silence of your indifference
I think I realize that maybe
The pieces of you I thought you had given me
Are only scraps of what you gave her
And what she refused to keep.
Maybe, this whole time,
The pieces of you where hand me downs
From the one person I would never be able to accept anything from

**(You never bothered to give me something new)

I took one look at you
And I knew I was through
You busted my heart open
With a knife you split it wide open
And I can only remember how surprised you looked
When you realized the person who stumbled out
Was you.

It's the smell of home
After days of waking up on your own
The house is quiet but they are around
Sleeping soundly
Their dreams
Playing a soundless music
In the background

Sometimes I stare at the

H         o        r        i        z       o       n

I imagine someone does the same and now
One
Two
People are staring at the

H         o        r        i        z       o       n

Suddenly,
We are One Two.
It does not matter that I am
lonely
I am not
**alone.

I know it shouldn't matter at this date
Because relations are made on the net
But have you realized
Truly
Really
Realized how amazing having someone you care about around you?
When you are separated from your loved one for a long while, the first thing you do when you see them is
Hug them
Not kiss them
Not say "hi"
Not text it to your friend
Not post it on Facebook
You just hug the hell out of that person
Because humans need contact
We need what we deprive ourselves of knowingly
We hang by ourselves and think it's fine
It's not.
It's never okay.
Hug people
Tell them how you feel, de vive voix
Why linger around when anything could happen?
Tell them
Tell them all
And love them right

She wanted to cry into someone's arms.
She felt like screaming.
But no one would hold her.
No one would hear her.
No one would scare her demons away.
Because no one cared.
At first she'd thought it was their fault.
All of them.
But maybe she had to stop blaming others for mistakes she had made.
She was the one pushing people away.
Maybe it was a test.
To see if people would follow her, be faithful, loyal to her.
It was a selfish act, but maybe she didn't care.
Too many people had been ripped out from her, and she never wanted to feel this way again.
Torn apart, broken, lonely.
She wanted to be sure her friends couldn't be ripped out, or wouldn't run away from her.
But it failed.
Every. Single time.
And alone she felt.
And alone she was.
All alone.
People were all selfish, weren't they?
So it made sense that they'd let her go.
They were selfish, too.
But now she had had enough.
She could not take anymore.
She was tired.
Tired of being alone.
Tired of being left out.
Tired of pushing people away.
Tired of being angry.
She needed real love.
She used to be called sunshine.
But she felt like a shadow.
She had walked in the light and now she experienced darkness.
It was dreadful.
She wanted to run and catch up with the ghost of sun she once was.
But she was tired.
She didn't feel her body anymore.
She was just an idea.
An idea of love, an idea of what her life should have been like.
An idea, a heavy weight.
She dragged herself around, knowing she needed someone to figure out what kind of distress she was in.
Knowing she needed someone strong enough to lift the weight off of her.
She waited.
And waited.
And it dawned on her.
Humans needed each other.

Her heart in ruins
The pain invisible
The enemy stares
From across the room
Eyes like fire
She watches her reflexion
Turn into oblivion

You are hurting me
You left me drowning for weeks
We have been playing pretend for a while now but
You cannot hold my head underwater
And expect me to breathe
Like you are not suffocating me
In this lake of incomprehension.

Two months ago you grabbed my pinkie at that dance and didn't let go, even when the blood rushed out and it turned blue. We had known each other less than twelve hours. You oozed confidence, didn't know the steps and yet you went for it.
I thought ****, he is going to be my best friend.
We are going to eat pop corn and have water guns fight and build fires and laugh for hours

Somehow I was a stranger then and I am a stranger now
In a very different way, the dynamics changed
I cannot believe how easy for you it was

To wrap your hand around my easy heart

And choke me from the inside
And anger is building inside me like a volcano

Anger is seeping into my veins because I have been nothing but nice

Yet
You make me feel like I am a bother
I cannot believe how easy for you it was

To release me and slither away

As if I never mattered at all

As if I never existed at all
You told me I could be your friend
Only if you could be mine

You told me you would be there
Whenever I needed someone to talk to
***** data roaming


And it hurts because
Pretending I do not exist won't make me disappear
Ignoring the fact that I am alive
Doesn't mean I am dead.
I am very much alive
And I just don't understand
How I was your friend then
But I am nothing now
I have been choking on words for days
Wondering how I could talk to you
When we do not communicate anymore
Speaking out
Is always better than bottling feelings in
So I am speaking out in the only other way I know how
I do not expect anything
I just need to do this for my peace of mind
Because I cannot wonder forever
And stay silent
About the reason why you flushed
Our friendship down the drain.

You are hurting me
You left me drowning for weeks
We have been playing pretend for a while now but
You cannot hold my head underwater
And expect me to breathe
Like you are not suffocating me
In this lake of incomprehension.
I have wondered three hundred and forty eight times in the past two weeks
If we were all right
When you asked
"Is everything all right?"
I couldn't answer because I wonder
If it is.
Two months ago you grabbed my pinkie at that dance and didn't let go, even when the blood rushed out and it turned blue. We had known each other less than twelve hours. You oozed confidence, didn't know the steps and yet you went for it.
I thought ****, he is going to be my best friend.
We are going to eat pop corn and have water guns fight and build fires and laugh for hours
And if happiness were a glowstick
I would wear yours on my wrist and give you mine so we would shine for each other.
I never got around to getting my glowstick back.
You never got around to giving me yours.

If happiness is a glowstick I am a toxic liquid broken by inadvertence and hidden under your bed so you don't see the memories I painted in your head when I broke open.

Somehow
I was a stranger then
I am a stranger now
In a very different way
The dynamics changed
And I don't understand how
You went from floating around places
To supporting this invisible weight you carry around
I cannot believe how easy for you it was

To wrap your hand around my easy heart

And choke me from the inside
Leaving me with the words you said
That made me laugh once
But make me frown now

And anger is building inside me like a volcano
Anger is rising to the surface like burnt milk forgotten on a stove

Anger is seeping into my veins because I have been nothing but nice

Yet
You make me feel like I am a bother
A stain on your carpet you cannot wash out
A nail sticking out of the furniture, just a little
                                           Out of place

I cannot believe how easy for you it was

To release me and slither away

As if I never mattered at all

As if I never existed at all
You told me you were glad
I had taken a chance on you

You told me I could be your friend
Only if you could be mine

You told me you would be there
Whenever I needed someone to talk to
***** data roaming

You told me to shout really loudly

If I could not reach you another way

You told me the both of us

Made a pretty good team…

… Unless we were playing Monopoly
 

And
I cannot help but wonder
How often I saw you
And if I had stopped and said "hi"
Would it have changed anything at all
I always wonder
How close we were

How often we almost met

How many times we may have passed each other on the streets
I always wonder if I ever bumped into you
And brushed it off
Just like you're brushing me away
With a flick of the hand
A chip on your shoulder
And it hurts because
Pretending I do not exist won't make me disappear
Ignoring the fact that I am alive
Doesn't mean I am dead.
I am very much alive
And I just
Don't
Understand
How
I was your friend
Then
But
I am nothing
Now
I have been choking on words for days
Wondering how I could talk to you
When we do not communicate anymore
Speaking out
Is always better than bottling feelings in
So I am speaking out in the only other way I know how
When actual words fail to be spoken
I do not expect anything
I just need to do this for my peace of mind
Because I cannot wonder forever
And stay silent
About the reason why you flushed
Our friendship
D
O
W
N
The drain.

I cannot help but wonder
How often I saw you
And if I had stopped and said "hi"
Would it have changed anything at all
I always wonder
How close we were
How often we almost met
How many times we may have passed each other on the streets
And I had no idea you would become my sunlight
I always wonder if I ever bumped into you
And brushed it off as if destiny was not intruding in our lives
I cannot help but wonder
How often I dreamt about you
When you were sleeping a few feet away
I always wonder
If we ever shared my dream but woke up disorientated
And forgot about us until the next time
I often wonder if we'd met any other way
Would I be with you now?

I am drinking myself to oblivion and you don't know why
I am drinking myself to oblivion and you're just fine
You haven't realized
I am drinking tonight
In a desperate attempt to forget you
The feel of your arms around me
The feel of your words on the back of my neck
The memories we build together
The first few bricks of what could have been an empire
The first few bricks you crushed under your foot
You destroyed me
Just like all the others have before you
Peaked at my soul,
Stole what you found
Ran away with pieces I can never get back
You're a thief and I'm hopeless
Unable to move on
Now that you have my heart
And I have nothing
Nothing but dust, tears and anger
For being a fool once again
Taking a step forward
Jumping into the void
In hope you would
Take the chance with me
You looked at me
And smiled away
I got blinded
Trusted you with my eyes closed
Didn't realize you were faking
Until from far away, I could tell your shape
Was still on the edge of the hole
And you have the ladder to bring me back
But behind you it stays still
As you watch me fall down
Fall in love
Hopelessly

I wouldn’t dream of hurting you
                                                              

When all I dream of is holding you

If he had been with me
I wonder if
It would have been
That different from fantasy

What do you do when something that was supposed to go right goes left?
How do you fix it?
How do you fix the mistake?
Perhaps it wasn't even yours.
But you still need to fix it somehow.
You need to make it right again.
You need to find solutions.
How do you fix it?

*How do I fix it?

I have felt death
Its bony fingers on my soul
Its cold breath on my skin
I have felt what it felt like
Not to need air
Not to exist anymore
To be a shadow around those alive
To be a ghost wandering
Tip toeing around the living
Trying to get people's attention and realizing
Too late
You are nothing to anyone
I have felt death
Its murmur giving me chills
The words whispers on my lips
Barely there yet awake like opened eyes
Moving back and forth against my tongue
Words of oblivion

Scientists have a theory
That if the universe is infinite
We may have an infinite number of us
In different parts of infinity
With infinite changes in our lives

And I would like to think
In another universe
I have succeded when here I have failed

I hope I

I kissed you when I should have
And then an hundred other times when perhaps I shouldn't have
Held you when I could have
And at every other occasion when it was not appropriate
Told you how much you meant to me when you were listening
And whispered it in my sleep to pierce your dream with my love
Gripped your hand tighter in my sleep
So you would never let go of me
Looked into your eyes so I would not forget
The unusual color I thought I would see everyday

I hope I

Had the courage to wake up at 3 am
When I knew (hoped) you would be alone
So I could knock on your window
And say how much of an idiot I was
For not kissing you that first night.

You look at her
When you take my hand
You see her eyes
When you stare at me
Everything you do with me
Is done with her instead
In your mind you trade places
Switch us both and I know
I know
But I turn the other way
You know
I love you too much
To turn around and walk away

I am no longer lost
(But I am not found)

You came to me as a stranger
Settled in my heart as a friend
I wish I had hugged you that day
Instead of running away

The contact was close enough for me
Not close enough for you but still
I wish I had hugged you that day
Instead of running away

You let your heart bleed out with love
I didn't know how to cure you but still
I wish I had hugged you that day
Instead of running away

I wanted a love as passionate as yours was for me
But couldn't find it in you no matter how hard I tried yet
I wish I had hugged you that day
Instead of running away

You wouldn't talk to me because it hurt too much
I had no idea how to reverse the evil spell of love but still
I wish I had hugged you that day
Instead of running away

I was desperate to see you again
Hear your voice
See your face
Listen to our hearts beating
Looking out at the stars
Longing to be a part of them
Wondering why your heart had chosen me
Wondering why mine hadn't chosen you

There are a lot of things I have done wrong
But doing you wrong was what hurt me the most
I wish I had hugged you that day
Instead of running away

So I wrote you a letter, explaining why love wasn't in me
Explaining why I could not love you
Why I was broken,
Why I may forever be in pieces
And why no matter how hard you tried to put me back together
You may never succeed to be something else but a friend
Because I did not know how to love myself enough
To let someone else love me

I do not have an excuse for what I have done
And I will never be able to change things
I wish I had hugged you that day
Instead of running away

You drove to my house, knocked on my door
And I knew what you had come here to say
I had seen the glimmer in your eyes
Of hope and courage, the kind a man has to have
To come and pour his heart out to the girl he loves
But I never let you say it.
I hurt you deeper than a bullet wound,
Because I never let the words pour out of your mouth
No the way words are pouring out of me now
Ashamed and guilty for writing down what I had to say
But being too much of a coward to say it out loud
And you had this courage, and I refused to acknowledge it,
Instead leaving you on the porch,
Running away from all the love you had to give me

Please know that I long for it
Please know that I regret it every day
Please know that after months, I still think about you
Please know that I'm sorry for letting you down
Please know that you are my best friend
Please know that I still love you more than I thought I could love someone
Please know that this love is deeper than friendship and deeper than love
Please know that I never knew this kind of feeling existed
Please know that I hurt everyday
Please know that I probably wouldn't be able to change my reaction
Please know that you surprised me
Please know that you scared me
Please know that I'm not used to love
Please know that I love you
Please know that I am not in love with you
Please know that I never wanted to hurt you
Please know all the things I've been meaning to tell you
Please know that I wish you knew I wrote this poem

Please know that I wish I had hugged you that day
Instead of running away

When you call my name but still act the same
When you play a trick on me I'm ecstatic
If you feel good then you're delusionnal
It's not about the way you feel
When I'm in between
It's about the truths you say in the silence
*Afterwards

When I was younger I wanted to be
A fairy
But now that I'm older I want to be
A writer
I cannot pretend I know how to fly anymore but I
Can still move in the sky of my imagination I
Am a bird with written wings
I fly away with the words in my head I
Create a path in the sky of my dreams I
Wanted to be a princess
But now that I'm older I want to be
A poet
I cannot ask for a prince to come and rescue me
Like I did before but I can ask for a
Pen and paper to write down my escape
Because my hands are skilled with the words to
Create a staircase from my golden cage I
Can write down each step I take as I
Slay the dragon with my own sword I
Can rescue myself
Words are powerful I
Wanted to be a bird
But now that I'm older I want to be
An artist
I can paint a world with the tips of my fingers I
Can write a perfect ending with the talented tip of my pen I
Can create everything from the top of my head to the tip of my toe
Tippy toe tippy toe
I am a happy drunk
I drink down the poetry in my head I
Get drunk on words and colors
I **** myself with passion but
I survive everytime I
Create a world I want to live in I
Wanted to be
Happy
And now that I'm older I still want to be
Happy
I work everyday to be glad I am alive
In a ****** world but still I
Imagine a perfect world and as I write down the words of perfection I
Feel the smile upon my face
I am the creator of my own happiness I
Create a perfect world I
Am
Happy.

I want to fight against what can't be fought against
I want to wake up and fight for you even though you don't want to be saved
I want to believe somewhere within you this amazing man I met is hiding
And I want to play hide and seek until I find you
I want you to want me to find you
I want to believe you are good
Even when you are pushing me away
I want to believe that underneath your cold shoulder
Hides a warm blanket just for me
I want to believe that this ******* act is temporary
I want to believe you may love me
Even when you tell me you don't
I want to believe there is hope for you and me

Birds fly because they have wings.
They fall but never crash
They dip and loop and fly
If I take one more step I will fall
For an instant
I will be a bird

Suspended

In the air
I will dip and fall and perhaps open my arms to fly but
My heart is too heavy
It will drag me down with the force of gravity people
Think
Gravity
Holds you down but I know
That it's your cold stone weighting your feelings down
It keeps the soul from flying high where you wish you could go
Birds must be happier than humans
Their soul is out in the universe
For an instant, I will fly
For a fraction of a second I will belong to the world.
Free.
Gravity will pull my body down but my soul still soars free

Sometimes I try
I swear I try
To be happy
To be carefree
But then reality snaps back
Like the elastic band
Put on their wrists to help them
When they want to cut
And I'm reminded of all the things
That make me sad
Like the hugs I don't get
The kisses no one gives me
The soft words I need to hear so badly
The arm which should hold me close at night
Never have I considered ending my life
But in these times
These lonely times
I remember life is all about love and
Sharing
Things whith those you care about
And I realize
I'm
So
****
Lonely.
My heart is so full of things I want to say
Things I want to write
Things I want to shout
Things I want to sing
Things I want to say
So heavy with emotions
And yet I never pick up a blade because
I own a pen
And I write away to ease the ache
I wish I could be more optimistic
More artistic
Write more, create more, do more
BE more.
But I'm just me
And I am doing the best I can
As I am
Even though sometimes it's hard
Even for me
To open up to myself
And to let myself write down what needs to be said
I want to ink it all down
Until I can't feel my hand anymore
Until my head is empty of
words


(I just wish there was more to say.)

You are the wind and the sea
You are the sun and the stars
You are everything
When I look around all I see is
Everything reminds me of you I am
Lost in translation
No words can describe
You
Are not a three letter word
Or a sound in someone's mouth
You
Are not a simple pronoun used to be refered to
You
Are the galaxy in my universe
The ray of sunshine on a rainy day
You
Are not an exact definition of the word
You
Are so much more than
You
Do not know what it is like to be
Me
A simple two letter word which is never
A sound in someone's mouth I
Am not recognizable or worthy of attention
I
Am slowly disappearing into oblivion
I
Am a one letter word never used in any way
I
Am neither one or the other
I
Used to believe I would be a part of
Them
But I do not exist in their eyes
I
Am only a one letter word and
They
Are so much more than I could ever hope to be
You
Can grow one letter bigger but
I
Am to far away from
You
So I cease my useless efforts because
I
Am only a one letter word
Which is never relevant as it is never used
My mouth never opens to make me appear
Behind the mask of silence I hide my name
I
Am not only a one letter word but
I feel like an unsignificant piece of life
I
Do not want to disappear but
Who am I?
A one letter word in a silent mouth attached to an invisible soul.

Lose in a sea of thoughts
When ideas collide in a heap
But the one thought I cannot escape
And keep on running into
The idea of a simple life
Where I would be me
You would be you
But together
We
Would be
*Us.

Treat me like a joke and I'll leave you like it's funny

Why did we drop bombs on each other
Thinking it could bring peace?

He was like my father
Gentle
Funny
Kind smile that told many stories
Most of it wasn't painful it was
Peaceful
An expression I haven't found in many smiles
Like soft horizons his eyes
Calmed my exalted soul
And the possibility of a future
I
Would wake up to those eyes
Secure
Warm
Safe
Soft
Kind
Gentle
It was exhilarating
I wanted that future so badly I missed out on the obvious
Immediate future
Where he was offering his story
To a girl who was not broken as I was

*(Maybe stitching me together would have been hard.
But sewing me now would be impossible.
You dropped me from a high and I am in pieces)