Stronger, but not invincible
Hidden, but not invisible
Unclear, but not unaware
Careful,
          but no longer care.

I'm 18
Where am I in this life
I was 14
I knew where I was heading
I'm like a tidal wave
The ocean
Nuances of blue and black
Calm before the storm
Raging in different directions
Every single way
I'm able to go in all directions.
The sun sets behind my horizon
The wind is blowing
Taking me east
Now west
Calm before the storm.

In the darkness
Lies understanding
We are all alone
In my heart lies the facts
I am always with you
And you with me
Love connects us
Unable to be broken by others
And stronger every day

I fell,
Down, down, down
into the far reaches of my mind,
down into the abyss
I fell.
I will rise,
from the ashes of who I was,
from the inevitable
darkness that took over me.
Because I am a Phoenix.
I will rise.

I've accepted that this is my life and this is my body and this is my broken heart and this is my future

I've accepted that this is my life and even though I've let 6 year old me down I can't keep trying to change things in my life and I need to keep going to not let 20 year old me down

I've accepted that this is my body and even though 6 year old me was touched and tortured and the past 14 years have been nothing but a chain of things I never knew were possible and a chain of feelings I never knew I could feel

I've accepted that this is my broken heart and even though it's hard to feel emotions these days, i have to keep going for that little girl who had big dreams and never knew that you could actually not like yourself

I've accepted that this is my future and it is in my hands

Its closing in
Burning within
Beneath my skin
My darkest sin.

Its rising to a peak
It's blinding me from what I seek
It snaps at my  feet
It shouts out at me with all its strength
"I am your defeat!".

It's eyes ablaze
yet oh so dark
What measure knows his tallied days
What fathom holds  his tormented heart.
It peers unwanted into my fragile soul
it grasps tightly
desperate to take me down and pull
me with him.

His hold so tight,
like an eternal night
the fear goes on and on and on.

But then I see it.
Or perhaps it's a Him and not an it.
It's bright as the sun yet I can look right at it.
Its coming close
so very close.
My heartbeat quickens,
my frail courage thickens
And the beast that grasps my soul clenches tighter
as the light before me glows brighter.

As the being comes closer I can tell that it's a Man
but like no man that I have ever seen,
his eyes carry the fiercest gleam,
like nothing else I've ever seen,
like no dream thats ever been dreamed.

I can see pure white light
the fire that surrounds him is ferocious
yet somehow I am surviving this sight.

I look down and I feel
the cold, clammy claws
of the beast start to peel
away.

Before the brilliance
and the sheer glory
of Him who comes
The beasts resilience
and the wretched story
we share
begin to crumbled.

Piece by piece,
link by link
stone by stone
the dungeons, the shackles the walls,
that the beast had build around me
Began to undo.
All his work, everything that he had fought for for so long,
now coming undone in mere moments.

Suddenly I feel it
The great weight coming off.
I had been at the bottom of the sea
with a millstone tide around me
with all those voices telling me
who I ought to be.
Telling me what I ought to see
down in that devil's sea
where all around me
was darkness.
A darkness that gave me a false identity,
a darkness that told me I could never be.
"Now see darkness?" I shout "I now can be,
for you now can not.
For He set me free, He said son you're free!
so be here no more in this devil's sea.
Come with me now
I want to give you an eternity with me."

I stretched my weary legs and jumped for freedom
I watched as the beast plummeted down into his doomed kingdom.
It was finally over.
The weight off my shoulder
all those long years,
all those wretched tears.
I was free.

As I reveled in my freedom
He stepped in near,
He said "In me there is no fear".
He said "My son, my son I will never forsake you."
I said "But I am not worthy, if only you knew
what I know, if only you had seen what I have seen."
He simply looked into my eyes
with those burning eyes of his,
And He said "I know 'everything', and 'everything' doesn't change a thing.
My love for you is unconditional, my love for you comes without a price or expectations. It's pure, it's whole, it's bigger than you could ever imagine. I have always loved you, I have always been with you, but you have not always been with me. I have set you free now be free and see all that I have for you.
My son your 'everything'  doesn't make you weaker, it doesn't make you less attractive to me, it doesn't hinder me from loving you. Your 'everything' only makes you stronger. Your story is your strength. Your past is your rock. Broken bones grow back stronger, Broken hearts grow deeper, broken souls find their healer and re-find their purpose.
The best is yet to come for through me
You are STRONGER.

He left me on my best friend's front porch step
Six months and thirty two days ago.
And looking back,
I couldn't be happier.

And they say that breaking up is kind of like a competition,
Who can lose more weight, be in a better mindset, accomplish more,
Within the span of time that they are single and if it continues through not being single.

And being with him,
I lost twenty pounds from not eating
Because I felt afraid to leave the room
Or the house
And I felt afraid
Of him.

I went to the hospital weighing
110 lbs.

I am now at a healthy weight again,
But my dresses still don't fit right,
They're a little too loose in the waist,
But I'm still full in my hips
And full in my chest.

It was like a divorce,
And he got custody of all our friends
And my toaster.
But they weren't real friends
If they chose him and him alone.

Blind as bats, and just as crazy.

I was a mess when he left, I'm being honest.
And before that, I was a mess too.

But I'm better now.

I'm better and I'm stronger and I can stand on my own two feet
And not let a vapid, controlling, womanizer
Get me down.

I am better than I ever was
Before I met him,
And I am better, a thousand times more
Than I was when he left me.

And I am so thankful,
So grateful,
That he left the way he did
And that he left at all.

I was a shell of a human,
But I am better now.
Small accomplishments and pride in my work and myself.

He's dating the poor thing he cheated on me with.

And I couldn't be happier for them.

I have love in my heart I had held onto for so long,
And I can finally give it to you, because I know you deserve it,
And I can stand with you against the world
As a united front against whatever may come.

Because I am strong, resilient, and ethereal.

Because I am braver now, stronger now, better now.

You lick your lips,
and your tongue slips back behind your teeth.
Just like a sword,
being tucked back into its sheath.
Now, you are preparing for yet another day,
to come out of a dual victorious.
But oh, my vicious opponent,
one of these days your words won't leave me injurious.