I am not here now.
Not available,
Absent. Not present.

Hijacked,
Held hostage,
******* in a tangled web
Of locks and chains.

Trapped,
Houdini like,
In a cage and thrown
Into the turbulent waters
Of my shark infested mind.

****** in by a
Whirlpool of stories,
My thoughts spin
Epic myths,
Fantastical tales,
Dark fantasies and
Cheap thrillers.

Each teasing,
taunting and
goading me
To disconnect,
Shutdown,
To flee from
This moment.

This tender,
Aching moment.
This unashamed longing,
Drenched in the desire
To be penetrated by
Your presence,
To free fall into
The lap of the Beloved.

But you, like me,
Are not here now,
Not available,
Absent. Not present.

Why did you have to leave so soon, you were supposed to see all the dreams you told me I had would some day come true. Six years gone by and I still feel you here . I just want to hug you close and tell you how much you mean to me , I love you big but Lord my friend all these men you left behind , all for me to contend with   I hear your laughter , pretty funny you think , I could use some words  of wisdom my friend , only you would know what to say , be it biblical, comical, serious, or pointless I just need to hear your advise right now God I miss you every day. From Paul to Scott no never met Brent , all the way to your baby boy Nick , of coarse I saved him for last cause Jimmy Rogers if I know you , you Are propped against that cloud with a huge smile on your face sitting so proud of those boys you made . Thanks for coming to see me today , even though it's not how I planned it I remember what you use to say , be patient for it's all in God's Hands and He's the one with the plans. I hope your presence never leaves , I love you and miss you and all your boys and your best friend does too , we will all meet again one day Fly High my friend save us all a place in that beautiful sky right there beside you.

Here I sit in this holy room
Surrounded by God and a heavenly host
Of saints and angels who give him glory.
Each changed by the body and blood
The power of love and beauty in the sacrifice.
Here I sit in this holy room
A witness to the saving power
A devotion to the perpetual presence
Of Christ with us and in us.
We are each bearers of light, bearers of Christ;
We carry him in us wherever we go.
Here I sit in this holy room
To listen and take in this wondrous gift.
I choose to accept this gift.
How can I not want to share this love with others?
How can I keep from singing and shouting His name?
Here I sit in this holy room
Holy Spirit fill this place and my soul,
Uplift them to the throne of God above.
Start a fire in me that cannot be quenched
And set in me the bright flame of love and passion.
Lead my feet and guide my steps along the path
Be my compass and my Northern Star
So I may never lose my way;
So I can always find my way back home.
Here I sit in this holy room
To add my voice to those around the world
At this moment praying for a change
In others and in their own lives:
Praying for safety and peace,
Understanding and patience.
Praying for survival, praying for the faith's revival.
Praying with men and women past and present
To call upon your aid as we aid those in need.
We pray for many things: our families, friends, nation.
We pray for each other, we pray for ourselves.
Lead us to you, take us closer to your merciful heart,
Love us and heal us and teach us where to start.
Here I sit in this holy room
I give thanks for the gift of undeserved love
And cast my gaze to Heaven above.

I'm with you right now
...next to you....
inside you
lighting up any of those dark corners.

A visitor,
not a resident
once again.

You walk in and out
as though it was a revolving door.
You visit me as though I am a sovoneour shop,
just to see how much one would miss you.

My heart has become exhausted of
the constant switch between the void and the presence.

For you make a vacation out of me,
when I ought to be a sanctuary.
You turn me into a hotel room,
when I ought to be home.

My name was not the one that was to be traced on sand and washed away by the waves
but the one you would engrave with ink on your skin.

I am oxygen
I am water
Not momentary
or unncessary
like the label of the presence of expiry you labeled me with
Or your temporary devotion.

I feel.
The past,
I was.
The tomorrow,
I am not.
The Right now,
I am.