I see the end. We are at the ballet. Enjoying the view. Experiencing joy and heartache. Thinking to ourselves, I wish I could dance like that.
Once the curtain falls we are left standing. Not sure if it's appropriate to clap and praise or count time we'll never get back and call it a day. We look around, hoping for encouragement. But there is no audience. It's just you and I. All I can do is look at you.
I like you. I should probably stay. On autopilot we raise our hands to applaud. I glance your way. I see the end.
Please take away all the pain I held over summers head. Dress up scars with pretty orange and yellow leaves. Leave me bare for winter, so I can be found again. In the city where acceptance is the only thing we have going for us. In my flashy, save neighborhood where I feel most myself. I walk over spines and skin fallen from trees and pretend I don't know, don't hear them begging to be heard. Begging to be found, before the season seals this grave.
Sometimes I think we're simply too different. At first without consequence, soon without prospect. When we don't scream but sit in silence. When we ignore the other because it's easier than asking what's wrong. Easier than admitting feelings are confused. It's not like you'll read the poems I write, I stopped sharing them with you a while ago. I once read your thoughts and it is scary that I'd go so far. But who am I? Sometimes with you I don't know. Mostly I feel like a child, needing to learn most everything. Other times, I'm the exact person I feel I am meant to be. And I want to say I'm wild, free and unbound to anyone or anything. But truth be told, I'm bound to you and wherever you go. Maybe that's a relationships greatest gift, and greatest curse at once. I'm just not sure where in your world I belong. So, let's talk.
I need to hold you. Lonely isn't a color I wear well. Silence a fashion I wish to go out of style. You should dress in blue's meant for twilight and I'll drown myself in forest greens meant for growing life. Draw, a picture on the surface of my skin. Your mesmerizing hands painting over marks of longing I hid from myself and I. And when you touch me, I don't feel lonely. Do you know how scared that makes me? How I can only imagine losing those eyes porcelain blue filled with kindness and carefully chosen secrets to share. Consuming me whole and leaving me blooming pastel colored confessions of sins and night skies. I slept with lonely so many times I forgot to recognize where her blacks ended and my own began. But when you touch me I don't feel lonely. Falling for your eyes, your smile and the details of your person isn't lonely at all. Falling in love with you is finding rainbows in shadow. Falling into you is falling into my own. Colors, hues, shadows, and all. You're teaching me that love isn't black and white. That it's not lonely after all.
Why do I cry four times a week convinced this is the end? Breaking my own back to be perfect for you. The more I do, the less you respond. The more I do, the uglier I get. Why do I panic and obsess over silences? I count every unsaid 'I love you" and carve them into bone. Make sure I don't forget. Misery loves company, and I constantly crave yours. My body feels old when my soul is supposed to keep young. My heart hollowed out when our love is supposed to fill it up. Why do I fight so much when I am not sure this is worth it for either of us?
I fear you'll leave without a kiss. That I won't recognize goodbye until I realize there never will be another follow up hello to balance it out.
You loved me so wrong it felt right. When you didn't say goodbye and ran off to catch the last bus because I am nothing if not wasted time. When you kissed your sister on the cheek but wouldn't let me kiss you on the lips, what was that about?
I hope I am a nice memory because you're not really one in mine. Sure we had good times, way back when we danced through the kitchen and you pulled me into your lap. When you held my hands and crawled over the table to kiss my forehead. But did you know that every time you stayed silent, the depths within me grew exponentially? So I grew big and hollow with millions of loving words written in diaries and poems. Left for dead and uninvited to your bed. Let's talk about that. When you heard me cry, felt my body shake from trying not to break, I know you registered that, I know you wanted to be anywhere but there. Why didn't you just say so? I wasn't strong enough to. I let you sleep through my nightmares and even made you breakfast. I should have left you, back in 2017. But I was hopeful and naive. Guess my friends were right. You did teach me everything I never want again so thank you for that. I sound bitter and full of resentment. It's mostly towards myself, why the **** did I stay? I deserve someone who's arms are the safest place on earth not the spitting image of pain.