Were you really worth it
When you stretched the truth over your bones
You chose to be alone

Alone with your altered mind
I hope the next time you light something and breath it in your throat catches on fire

Take in the noxious fumes of tempted desire

You were nothing but a liar

The repetition is uncanny

You are in my head
But there's not many of you left
I am now in alliance with the negativity
My good thoughts are retreating from myself
I've spent many nights trying to get my mind aligned
And Watching horror movies hoping the killer was fine
I've lost track of time.

This writing is in memoriam to my hopes and dreams becoming a crime

Self destruction is easier than it looks.

I'm having trouble getting out of bed lately.
It seems id rather dream because that's the only place i don't hate me.

Cynicism is my confucianism bury my coffin shallow so i can still fell the rain.

I can't stand the lack of pain.

I've been pacing for seven years now
Dug myself into a deep dark trench
The worst part about it is I've known about it but i couldn't stop
I know when things are important but i struggle with the motivation to give a single ****
It's not a term i use lightly
I want to but it's easier to run
But I've backed myself into a corner and given my past a loaded gun
Regrets are heavy
Placed so delicately on my shoulders day by day
But my knees are getting weak
It's like getting stabbed over and over again with a dull knife
It'll never penetrate but it still hurts right
I'm slowly losing this fight
It never fails to haunt me
Every single night.

I'm not afraid I'm just weak.

Do you ever feel numb
It's that feeling when your whole world
Seems to fall apart right in front of you
And there's nothing you can do about it

It's that feeling when you're all choked up
And the words just won't seem to come out
The tears are stuck, and they strangle you
And all you feel is sole numbness

It's that feeling when you're indecisive
Do you not care anymore?
Or are you just really tired?
Or is this just a phase that will pass?

It's that feeling when you're exhausted
Mentally
Physically
Emotionally
And you wish to close your eyes

And never open them,
*Ever again.

i wish there was a way for me to
just push these thoughts from my mind
but they wrap themselves around my veins
and turn my whole body blue
i swim through this darkness alone
even though i know i don't have to
but i'm afraid if you got to know the demons
crawling around in the corners of my mind
and the way they come just to drag me back into
the nothingness every now and then
they'd get to know you too

Is this feeling of numbness in my chest which is also compared to thousands volcanic eruptions...
Is it called love?

It is painful to look at myself in the mirror at this time. Late.
All I see is tears in my eyes, refusing to come out.
My eyes are shining, All I feel is numbness.
I hate reality. I'd smoke cigarettes and drink my coffee black, bitter. I'd take pills to sleep and escape everything.
My scars, I helped grow.. By my own hand.
I'm sitting alone wondering what would it feel like? Having a real life. Being full of life, what is happiness?

God, I'm a sinner. I have no intention in washing my sins.

I'll just drown in books, again. I became so dark and I realized something..
you could feel everything and nothing at the same time. You see things, you understand things. But you pretend you don't.
Because It is so much better than believing it.

And I know everything.
But darling, this heartache is driving me crazy
Come and heal this ache of mine.

After all, this universe is not for us,  Isn't?
Aren't we just aliens with no purpose at all?
Aliens that humans don't even believe we exist.
No purpose at all, no future, It's scary.
And life....
What is life my dear? Is It real? Is everything real?
To me It is just a lie.

We don't deserve to live with sadness and accepts it.
It's okay, It's very okay.
In another life, perhaps?

I am becalmed
adrift,
lost at sea,
with n'er a lighthouse to look for me.
Alone upon the rising swells, which will not break their voice to tell.
Endless horizons beckon me, yet no zephyrs fill my sail
No tears are cried, no lovers sigh, all colours lost and pale
No sun above, no moon no cloud, no star to guide me home.
Below me only silent depths, above me mourning veil.
I carry with me, broken hopes,  no one will ever need
And yearnings dreams and desperate prayers
No god will ever heed.
Islands which once held me safe
are behind but always near
and pain me now
When turning
and with clarity, remain unseen.