don't tell me I'm loved
because all you've ever known about me is what I allow you to know, you're assuming people love me because you can't comprehend the fact that a person could very we'll be unloved since you yourself have only known the state of adoration and enamoredness
don't call me pretty
because you have never dwelled within this rib cage, your home isn't in my heart, and you still haven't gone for a walk through my mind you have never even stared into the depths of my eyes for longer than a tenth of a second
it isn't pretty in there
so it isn't pretty out here
don't call me anything
for that matter

my whole life I've been awaiting one special moment to dramatically shift everything and anything to permanently good
I await for summer, hoping the glum months of December and January glide as fast as possible into the cheerful months of June and July
but as quick as the months stroll by, and the warm months finally arrive, nothing's changed and unfortunately I'm still as unhappy as before
I await for adulthood, thinking I must feel this way since teenage years were never really meant to be a great time in anyone's life
but adulthood will come and I'll be the same lost teenager except folded up inside some lost adult's scathed body
and I'm still waiting
because all I've ever been told is how it always gets better
and how the longer i wait, the closer i am to something i would've missed out on if i hadn't waited
but it's been so painfully long that I don't believe I'm missing out on much anymore
so please just tell me
I'm closer than I think

I think sometimes it becomes extremely difficult to live in this world, in this body, standing on these two specific feet, completely aware of what i am and what I used to be
I think it's hard, because we all try so hard to be significant, to escape oblivion, to overcome and win the obstacle of life
we try to live as much as we can, while sometimes along the way getting tangled in time, so knotted up that we have to cut the ends off just to get ourselves back in line
we try to love as hard as we can, sometimes disregarding the wall we've built up around our bodies, forgetting others can't come in if we don't allow them to
we search for life's true meaning, and become impervious to the fact that we do in fact all cease to exist at one point, as we look for the bigger purpose we serve
and I think once we come to the realization that this all could be for nothing, the love we give will eventually be lost, the times we had, disintegrated into thin air, floating around as particles of dust, once we come to the reality that nothing will ever truly make sense, maybe then it will become easier
maybe when life is seen more as a gift, rather than a timer counting down to our final days, that's when it will all make sense
as even when our bodies no longer exist, it's important to remember our souls carry on forever, the essence of our footprints lye on the ground for eternity, and even when the earth eventually comes to an end, the collaboration of all souls will shine bright, leaving behind nothing but hope, and beautiful memories for what once was

"I love you"
the words came out of your mouth so very effortlessly like water trickling down a window during a storm and I wondered if you've said those words a million times before
I was questioning if you just said them because you felt you had to or if you really truly meant them because we all know you were never good at expressing the way you feel
and if you really did mean it then why do you look at me as if I'm two thousand miles away when I'm standing inches from you and why do you stutter every time you try to formulate sentences on your thoughts of me
I know it's been a while but I still wonder if you feel anything and i wonder if you wonder
I thought you loved me but you never looked at me the way you look at her
"I love you"
you said to her, so very effortlessly like water trickling down a window during a storm

as a kid there were so many things I perceived as dangerous, like getting into cars with strangers or stepping over railroad tracks while the train was approaching
I used to think danger meant my life was being threatened or I was potentially going to be hurt physically, but as a kid I never ever Wouldve thought danger could be looking into someone's eyes and simultaneously feeling my heart beat twelve times faster than usual
Your very presence is dangerous to me
the freckles across your pale skin spell Stop And your tattoos look a lot like caution signs
the first time I met you was like one big red flag shouting at me to turn around and walk away
danger isn't just keeping the door unlocked at night or stepping on a thumb tack, danger is looking at them and knowing you're going to get hurt but refusing to walk away
danger is falsely believing so intensely that they love you, too
when they make it so blatantly obvious
that they don't

i was trying to make you love me but i was afraid of trying too hard, and as you disregarded my presence every time we met i realized how pointless your love would actually be to me
you proved yourself unworthy of me the second i discovered your true identity and while the fact that i thought i really did know you at one point may terrify me beyond belief, i am so proud to finally release you from my heart, and bleed you out of my fleeting body
you taught me to not completely give myself away to anyone, and you taught me that while someone may wear a genuinely kind facade, they may be hiding the most cynical, sadist to ever exist
and as i woke up this morning, the sunshine leaked through my blinds, the spring breeze whistled in-between the cracks of the walls, and for the first time in a while,
you were not the first thing on my mind

no longer have I been uncomfortable with blending into the monotony of society as I've become substantially content in the concept of simply blending in, because when you're unattached and invisible in a world where things seem to matter so much, everything doesn't seem to matter, at all
if I am no longer noticeable I save so much time from being noticed by insignificant potential lovers that claim to be infatuated with my every attribute and characteristic, and it saves myself from believing those lies that set me on a useless love quest
in reality, does anything really matter?
why do I have to feel such strong emotions that I never wanted to feel in the first place?
what is so wrong with wanting to put a stop to all nonsense ringing in my head by just simply disconnecting?
however much I would like to be able to have the willpower to actually detach myself from those around me, I cannot.
oh how I'd love to be able to just simply forget you
but I can't, because you're everywhere
and I'm nowhere

the truth is I don't find comfort in looking into your eyes and not feeling weak in the knees, it feels so good to finally feel something other than pain and regret. although my mind and my heart may be in a constant quarrel between " I can't love you" and "I can't not love you" i believe that loving you is inevitable. it can't possibly be my fault that your chocolatey eyes pierce my soul and there's no way I can help the fact that your happiness alone is enough to make my day. maybe this is just my role in society to play, maybe right now I just happen to be the girl who loved a little too much, and im not sure that I know exactly what that means for me or how it will devolve, but there's one thing I am sure of. I am sure that your ghost will live within the depths of my heart for a long time. maybe one day I will be more than just the girl who loves too much, maybe I'll be the girl who was loved just a little too much, by you.

why does nothing work out in the end my life continues to crumble as time goes on and i can’t seem to get it together again
i can feel it bubbling inside me ready to explode, but it never does it just accumulates more and more but who knows maybe one day it will explode and i don’t know how or when all i know is i hope when it does i will finally be set free in some way and i hope the pain will be demolished along the way because honestly i can’t take it anymore, it’s deafening, it keeps me up all night, it makes me want to retreat from the world, and oh god i think i’m starting to.
i need someone but no one needs me, i think i’m lonely but i just don’t really know what i am anymore

this is not about you
and I am done writing about you because all you really ever were was 3,000 almosts that never meant anything in the end
I'm not writing about how much I love you anymore but about how much I absolutely loathe your menacing brown eyes that glitter and gleam with fire
I'm not writing about how beautiful you are but how terribly rotten you are
to the very core
I'm not writing anything about you anymore at all because that is exactly what you want from me
I feed your ego
you never loved me
you just loved the
attention
and this is not about you.

i wonder if you knew that with every sly compliment you give to me so willingly causes my heart to drop straight into my stomach
and i wonder if you knew that kissing her with more passion than i know you will ever give to me makes my veins knot together in complete and utter destruction, would you still kiss her the same?
would you even care at all?
if you were completely aware that you were slowly killing my insides little by little, would you still be whispering your words into her lips and stroking her thighs, or would you sympathize for leading me straight off a cliff?
if i told you how i felt, would you tell me that you feel the same? or would you regret ever even knowing
my
name
so i guess you'll never know
and will always have to wonder

Dear future me,

Please tell me you're happy, because that is all I want to know and please tell me the sound of his name does not still cause your heart to skip a beat, tell me you have finally dug yourself out of the gaping hole you fell into the first time you looked into his eyes, you're strong enough to climb out, even though you might not think so. Remember you're important too, because you always seem to forget that. and if your hands are still painting his phone number across your ribcage, wondering what the first signs of trouble are, then you need to understand that every tattoo is capable of being removed at some point and while it may hurt like hell to breathe sometimes, I believe that you are so much stronger than you think. who cares if it feels like it was all for nothing and who cares if you're starting to hurt more than you thought was humanly possible, you can not let one person ruin you, you will not let this ruin you, and although it may seem unbearable, this too will pass.

I am so afraid to wake up every morning and I am so afraid of the unknown because the possibilities of what can happen in between a small twenty-four hour period terrifies me
and this is why I am so afraid to get to know you because I am almost certain once I do I will fall for you harder than I've ever fallen before
and I am almost certain that eventually I will have to recover from that fall
I have just lost so many that I am afraid to lose any more
I don't want to have to put myself together after someone leaves again
I am just so afraid of loss
and I think it's because I've lost something so long ago that I still can't seem to find,
myself
where did I go?
where will you go?

I guess I shouldn't have expected you to cradle me in your loving arms and hold all of the pieces of me together and I guess I shouldn't have put so much faith in you considering every time I have you've let me down
oh but no it's not your fault, I should've known
please at least whisper to me with your beautiful lullabies until I fall asleep
then afterwards do not hesitate to leave me alone
you don't have to hold me
I don't want you to cradle me
and I do not want you to feel bad for me
there is no use just please sit here until I finally fall into a deep everlasting slumber but before i do I want you to know that my heart will beat your name until my eyes finally shut and even after i fall asleep my fingers will routinely trace the letters of your name onto my skin

looking at you feels like I am being brutally bludgeoned to death because all I want is for you to look back at me and instantly feel weak in the knees
I want you to look at me and have your heart physically drop to your stomach and I want you to look at me while praying quietly to yourself that one day I will be yours
I want all these things because it isn't fair for you to make me feel such strong things when you don't feel them yourself
I want it so very badly but I guess the thing I want from you the most is for you to at least
just
look at me

Dear one,
you were exactly what i thought i needed in order to survive happily. You even had me so convinced that you were the only person i will ever have loved, but now i think you were just some feeble 14 year-old-girl distraction. That's all you really were, a distraction, nothing more, nothing less, and just like any other distraction it was incredibly hard to snap out of, but you were exactly what i needed to guide me back to reality again. You taught me the painful meaning to the word almost. I almost loved you, i really did.
Dear two,
you  were what made my mind go mad and i still have so much trouble comprehending why you tried so hard to act like you loved me when you really never did, or maybe i just can not comprehend why i believed you ever could in the first place. you are a psychopath hidden behind soft smiles and infectious giggles and i almost hated myself to falling for your little tricks. If there is one person in the world who was able to make me feel sickeningly vulnerable, you'd win that award, two. You never believed me when i said i genuinely wanted to be with you and maybe i didn't, but i sure as hell wouldn't have spent so much time on you if i knew you'd destroy every living part of me like you did. perhaps you were just a distraction as well. i still suffocate looking into your menacing green eyes and even the thought of you brings my body temperature to arctic degrees. if you were wondering, the blizzard you caused in my heart still swirls and whirls the exact same.
Dear three,
you are what overturned the snow storm in my heart that he caused into a gentle spring and then back into a rejuvenating fall. three, you have somehow woven the broken fragments of my trust in humanity back together into a perfect whole once again. i swear to god we are so powerful together and although i wish i could be lucky enough to call you mine, maybe that day will come in soon enough time but for now it is such a pleasure to just simply know you. you are so much more than you think you are, three. after all, three is my favorite number.

tell me about what infuriates you until the point that your palms shake and your jaw clenches
tell me about your everyday monotony and what you do in order to escape it
don't tell me something feeble and impermanent like your favorite color
and please don't bother telling me where you are from, instead tell me where you want to go
tell me what you laugh at uncontrollably until your sides ache, tell me everything about yourself until you've reached the very bottom of your being
i want to know what fills your coppery-brown eyes with life when you are having an off day and something was able to paint a smile across your once melancholy, sadness-drenched face
i want to know you
i want to listen to your voice as you talk until there is absolutely nothing else left to say
i want to know you so very badly it's almost destroying me
please let me know you

I swear looking in your eyes gives me a surreal power to see into the future because when we are face to face I can see us twenty years later curled up in scruffy blankets on a queen sized bed laughing about what we did when we were kids and I swear that the raspy way you say my name makes me envision you fifteen years from now calling me the exact same way from our kitchen

but on some days when I look into those chocolate brown eyes I see you thirty years from now kissing her cheek and whispering soft compliments in her ears

and on some days, our eyes don't meet at all, because they're secured like a padlock in hers, painfully reminding me

of what will never
ever
be

with every word you spoke it felt as if I was falling for you deeper,
and deeper
I had fallen so hard that I had almost forgotten what is was like to stand up on my own two feet again

you seemed not perfect, but just like you had minimal flaws
and I didn't understand how a person could be so beautiful,
everywhere
beautiful in the way they speak, in the way they love, in the way they subconsciously carry themselves
but you're not so beautiful anymore
and I'm shivering and trembling at the fact that I hadn't fallen in love with you as a whole
I had only fallen in love with
a small,
discreet,
part

i know you're probably wondering why i try my hardest not to cross paths with you anymore

and i know that you've noticed the distant look in my eyes whenever our paths do accidentally cross

i know i'm confusing, and i know that you're confused too, but you have to understand that i cannot continue to climb this ladder that seems to lead nowhere

and i cannot continue to linger onto the false hope that one day you'll look at me and have your breath taken away

it hurts too badly, you see
because nothing stings more than shyly believing you love me,
only to realize
**you don't

and I didn't realize it until I had stared out my bedroom window until the storm had blown over, watching countless raindrops begin and end their journey

I noticed the way something so gloomy had its own beauty

and I noticed that just because everything has been painted in melancholy blues and grays, doesn't mean it can't be breathtakingly beautiful

even though those same blues have been painted in my heart, I am still a work of art

and I know that I am just a storm waiting to
blow
over

i have suffocated all the butterflies that you put in my stomach with cigarette smoke and drowned the color of your eyes from my brain with alcohol

i have bled you out of my bloodstream and exhaled you from my lungs

the sound of your voice no longer pumps within the veins inside my fleeting heart, but they sounded more like broken sentence fragments anyway

"you are destroying yourself, not him"

but I'd rather have corrupted lungs than a broken heart
because even if you broke every bone in my entire body,
it still would not be as painful as the way it felt when you left me
alone

you've got those eyes that consume me whole like a river swallowing and drowning my body, extracting the air from my lungs

oh god they're like an everlasting jungle that I have gotten lost in countless times and can't remember how to find my way out of, and I don't know if I want to return home out of this jungle, because it is exhilarating and impeccable, and I've become infatuated with the atmosphere

but sadly I am not the only visitor in your jungle and it isn't only me who has been picked up by your breathtaking waves, she feels the same as I do

your rivers make an ocean and her trees are a part of your jungle, you are one

now the jungle in your eyes is burning down and I'm trapped, I cannot get out, and I am going to die in here because it's not me who has been lighting a fire in your eyes

there are tidal waves crashing out from the oceans in my eyes, but they aren't beautiful, like yours.

I hate loving you so much because it's like grasping onto a hot coal without ever releasing it and I see the way you look into her eyes as if she's the only lovely thing you've seen in your entire life so I just keep burning my palms with this stone because I can not let it go and keep the flaming sensation to myself
  I think the worst part about loving you is the fact that I swear to god you've seen the open-flesh wounds from the burns but you choose not to see it and return to loving her
  no, the worst part about loving you is that you will never, ever love me too
please try to notice the way my knees tremble and my body becomes weak every time you walk towards me
please

You are a rose that I have admired the beauty of since the first time I saw you except now your petals are almost gone as you've self-destructed the majority of them and your stem seems to be broken and bent, you no longer are rooted in the ground but are wilting over as if your life has fallen down with you and I don't understand it because when I see you you're the most beautiful thing I think I have ever seen but you refuse to see the same as I do, and now you're looking as if your final days are being counted and I don't know if watering you can help anymore. I am afraid this is the end but I can not lose my alluring little flower because I have become the soil, and I need you in order to function

WHY DID I EVER THINK YOU COULD BE MINE WHEN WE ARE LIKE THE OCEAN AND THE SHORE, CONSTANTLY CRASHING ON EACHOTHER BUT NEVER HARMONIOUSLY FLOWING THROUGH THE SAME WAVES AND WHY DID I LET YOU LET ME FEEL SPECIAL WHEN I KNEW YOU WOULD SLASH MY HEART AND CHAR MY INSIDES WITH YOUR SWEET LIES AND SOFT HELLOS THAT WOULD EVENTUALLY LEAD ME TO MY DEATH

I saw you yesterday for the first time in months and oh god your eyes still shine with the same glitter and your smile is still as lively as ever and I never exactly pictured us speaking again but oh my god do I hope you could see the way my face lit up when you peaked around the corner

and if you are still the way you have always been, you're the lucky ones because most of us have taken ourselves apart down to the very molecules we are made up of and rearranged them to someone else's liking

and if you are still happy then you're the lucky ones, because most of us are so depressed we are willing to lather our stomachs in alcohol and burn our throats with smoke for fun, or to forget that person who made us feel like we were sitting in a haystack of needles, stabbing and wounding every inch of our skin

and if you still strive for your highest hopes and dreams, then you're the luckiest ones, because most of us settle for less, and only climb the ladder until we think we have reached the top

and if you're in love, you really are the luckiest of all, because we are all mostly bitter over those we have lost, thinking we are unable to find someone that will bring us the same happiness that the other person used to bring

I will never be victorious over this relentless battle that has consumed me like a black hole and I swear to god I can not escape, and don't tell me I'm not trying because I haven't tried so hard to overcome something in my entire life, I will never be content, and I will never win because once I think I'm close to the end I crash and I burn and I ache and i go right back to where I started feeling worse than before. I need YOU to assist me through this and I need YOU to stand by me no matter what happens because I can't fight this alone anymore I need help, I'm asking for help, please somebody save me

losing you wasn't like anything I've ever lost before. I can't rifle through bags and search through piles of clothes in hopes to find you laying discreetly under something and I can not retrace my steps wishing I could find the exact spot that I dropped you, finding a human being isn't as easy as finding my favorite sweater or my house keys, because you aren't looking to be found and you're not waiting for me to finally reach you once again, losing a human being is like losing a body part or a limb, because you can never ever get that same piece of you back, it's gone forever, and so are you.

I can't seem to scrub your blood off my skin as its essence never seems to rub off, my hands are forever guilty of hurting you, I am forever guilty of hurting you and I tried to bandage you countless times but your bones are still broken and your body still aches and I am so sorry for making you feel weak but the truth is when those bones heal you will be ten times stronger than I will ever be

I used to feel bad for you, and how your skin was always painted purple and black with bruises that weren't self-inflicted, I almost wanted to absorb some of your pain for myself so that you wouldn't have to feel it as much, but as time has passed and you continue to let people walk all over you like a touristy sidewalk and kick you like a pebble on a road, I realized you like to hurt, you want to hurt, and you want people to sympathize for your hurting, I have had so much trouble comprehending why you gain energy from the way my heart drops watching your tears do the same, and then it hit me, your pain is contagious, like an infectious disease, except you like to spread the illness. You like feeling pain. You like making people feel the way you do, because you can't cure it and you know they won't be able to either

You couldn't even catch the color of his eyes because they were always centered at the ground, like he was searching for something he'd lost years ago and when he looked up at me to smile I could feel the emptiness dwelling deep within him as it appeared hopelessly broken and I don't think he wanted it to be that way. He looked like the absence of a human, like a walking corpse as his under eyes seemed to be permanently tattooed purple, and I didn't know if he ever noticed his laugh that seemed fractured and hollow like it took every ounce of energy from his body to produce. He was the kind of person you wanted to hold to keep all of the pieces together. The kind of person you couldn't let go

I don't understand you and how you've managed to scoop up every last bit of my being and sign it with your name in permanent ink, it's like I'm your property, like I'm something you bought years ago and used to love but now you just leave me to rest on a your shelf of forgotten toys and treasures. I still love you and I shouldn't but I do because at the end of the day you're the only one I think I ever did love. I loathe you for making me love you because it isn't fair for you to make me feel like I'm all you've ever dreamed about and then as dawn fades to dust I'm a huge mound of nothingness to you. I wish I could stop feeling this way but I still want to be yours like I was back then

January: I watched you slick back your hair when nobody was watching, and smile at the ground as she walked by. I wonder if you do that for every pretty face you see

February: You looked at me today and I don't know if it was on purpose but I thought about you that entire day

March: I want to know you, but I don't think you feel the same. So I'll just sit quietly over here echoing your name, maybe this time you'll listen

April: they told me you said you love me, I don't know if I believe them. You look at me like I'm thousands of miles away when I'm standing right next to you, do you mean to do that?

May: You told me you felt like you've known me for an eternity, is that why it was so easy for you to leave me without warning?

June: you remind me of blood loss, and it looks like you like to hurt, I don't understand you.

July:

August: I still feel your presence in my house but I know you're not there and you never will be.

September: I met someone new today and I think I like him but it might just be because i saw you in his eyes.

October: he told me I'm his everything and I told him I feel the same way

November: he held my hand and whispered sweet lies into my ear, and I pretended they were coming from you.

December: the weather is cold and bitter and it reminds me of how it felt when you left me. Do you remember when you left me? Do you even think of me?

You were like a drug that I swallowed and let drown my arteries in while you twirled and twisted around making me feel like I was on top of the world and I was so unaware that you were so bad for me, you were killing me softly and had every intention to make me feel like I needed you to be happy, but the truth is I don't need you at all in fact my life has prospered since I stopped overdosing on you and although the temptation may linger every now and then to return to that weak, broken girl in need of your euphoria to keep me on track, I don't need you and I never did.

If only I could somehow erase your name that's permanently tattooed to my forehead because whenever I walk around everyone can see it and how I wear you around like a souvenir but I've already departed from the country of you I don't need your souvenir anymore I want to let go but you're still with me everywhere and when I look in the mirror I still see your aching name written across my flesh and I hate that it won't go away no matter how hard I try and I just wish my heart would stop resting on my sleeve for everyone to come and easily obtain because I'm delicate and fragile and I'm trying to extract you from my body and my mind but you just linger on even tighter every time I try

and after all that I've realized you are so not worth even popping into my mind for a brief moment, because now, you mean nothing to me and your name might still slip out of my lips and your voice probably will still scream inside my head but I can shut my lips and ignore your screams and shouts because you are not worth it anymore
It was nice knowing you
farewell

You pump through my veins like nicotine and your voice echoes through my head like a sad lullaby because I know I will never hear that voice again and I can't find a way to get you out of my mind because you still dwell inside my heart so I try so hard to get rid of you but you're trapped and the only way to release you is to release myself, too.

I'm so sorry for the awful way I've treated you and I don't know exactly why I do the things that I do all I know is that it's a whole lot easier for me to be heartless and have you dislike me then to be my sweet self and have my heart broken by you and have to pick up the shards that remain from my shattered heart and have to puzzle together the pieces again, but you know it's not easy because you can never fit a million pieces back together Perfectly there are always a few pieces that are left behind, and still collected between your nimble fingers, so I'm sorry for the way I've hurt you it's just I don't remember how to blockade the river of fear in my heart that you will hurt me just like the others have

Like a rose you were breathtaking but also like a rose you pricked me with your thorns that unpredictably grew on your stem
Like the ever expansive night sky you were beautiful but also like the sky you struck me with your thunderbolts and shocked my body altering me and the way I am for my entire life
But I figured if you pierced me with your thorns enough they wouldn't be as sharp anymore and I thought that if you impaled my body with enough bolts of electricity that the storm would blow over and reveal the beautiful sky once again
And now that you're gone I've realized the only way to stop getting pricked is to isolate myself from your thorns and to escape the lightening I would have to stay inside away from the storm

Pink roses stained with the red of my blood lye on the ground in front of me and I wonder how you took something so beautiful and used it so selfishly to destroy and bludgeon me until my flesh was tattooed with purples blacks and blues and I continue to beat myself up for not seeing it coming because I knew your soft gentle smile hid ulterior motives so I force myself to pluck every beautiful intricate petal from the rose seeping with blood until I have forgotten how badly you've hurt me

YOU STUCK THORNS IN MY HEART AND SPEARS THROUGH MY HEAD AND YOU STILL HAD THE NERVE TO STOMP ON MY FEET AND ACT LIKE YOU WERE THE ONE WHO WAS IN PAIN WHILE I STOOD HERE GASPING FOR AIR AND BLEEDING RIVERS THROUGH MY CHEST

Sometimes it isn't what you say that hurts, it's what you don't say. You never ask how I am, you never bother to question why my flushed red cheeks have faded to dull purply undertones, and you never cared enough or tried hard enough to help support me in regaining consciousness as my life around me blurs and slurs into a transparent orb of blacks and blues, and i just need you to know that I need someone but you never even asked me if I did to begin with

You always tell me the name of your favorite book
Yet the next month you tell me of the one you've read that you like one hundred times better
You've told me your favorite color
But once your eyes have rested upon a new one,
Your favorite color alters to the one you find more appealing
You always listen to your favorite song
But by now you've played on repeat at least hundreds of different "favorite" songs of yours
This is why I'm scared when you call me your favorite
And I constantly fear that when someone better crosses your path
I will be tossed over your shoulder like a piece of trash
And forgotten for eternity

why don't i believe it
why don't i understand
when you tell me how much i mean to you
it just doesn't make sense

how can someone love me
most importantly, how can someone like you love me

all my life i'd believed no one ever could
so when you tell me that you do,
my head spins like a tornado
i just don't believe it
and i still don't believe someone as beautiful as you
could ever love someone as inferior as me.

i just wish you could see it
i wish you could understand my thoughts, my mind, my emotions

i wish you could see how life has drained from my body
how my worth is at an all-time low

i've broken into a thousand pieces that i can't put back together alone
i've shattered, and i don't know if the shards can be fixed

i need you
i need you
i need someone

i just wish you could notice how unhappy i truly am

i saw a beautiful red rose that sat in a field of wilted weeds
and as time went on
and the weeds grew more and more plentiful
the rose remained the same
just as cheery and red as before

and i was brought to the realization
that it's possible for a something so beautiful to be surrounded by
such insignificance
something with so much life
can exist in the middle of emptiness
although it may seem like everything is dead,
there's always a little hope
always