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2d · 68
School
Kai 2d
I'm sorry I don't want to go to school
I'm sorry that I'm not "cool"
School is the thing that destroys me
Home and family is the only thing that puts me at ease
Something easy to seize
I wish I could isolate myself
I wish it was on the shelf
So I can purchase it
So I don't have to listen to anyone's *******
It's tiring
Overwhelming
So why do you have the guts to call me "entitled" when I don't want to go to school anymore
School doesn't even feel secure anymore
Whenever I open the door
I don't wanna be outside no more
People are the reason why I have such low self-esteem
People base me off a certain theme
People seem to be more violent these days
More fights these days
More school shootings these days
Which makes me terrified
And scared
And I always feel like I'm being stared
Always being judged
At school
I push myself the hardest at school
To the point where it's cruel
Yet, my grades had gone downhill
Then gotten still

School makes me feel disconnected
More than I expected
It's just like a curse
It makes life worse
It makes me think that my life is just a simple dream
Disconnection takes it to the extreme
Everyday
In every way
I just want to sleep
Without a peep
To make this curse go away

I'm always stuck listening to someone
Whenever I don't want to be listening to anyone
That just wants to talk nonstop
They always think they're on top
Whenever it's the complete opposite
I'm being approximate
It's annoying
It's tiring
To the point where I don't want to go to school
It's not because I'm a fool
Just because of the violent and annoying people from school
Is the reason why I don't want to open my door
Anymore

I'm always stuck doing school work
While still doing my own work
From my house
While I'm scrolling on my computer with my mouse
Looking at patterns to crochet with
Crocheting myths
Just to sell
Well

School is the reason why I don't take care of myself
School is the reason why I don't want to take care of myself
I'm too tired by the end of the day
My brain is completely fried by the end of the day
I swear I'm not lazy and not overdramatic
It's just that everything is so problematic
Everything takes so much effort to do one thing
It just makes me tired of everything

I have to sacrifice everything for school
Sacrifice my own life for school
Sacrifice my own sanity for school
Sacrifice my own emotions for school
Sacrifice my own thoughts for school
Sacrificing my own energy for school

Even though I'm supposed to be living my biggest dreams
Not writing down rhyme schemes
Just for some poetry
I can make an ancestry tree
Instead of doing some work that will most likely not help me in the future

School is stupid and a dumb concept
It's something that my parents cannot accept
The teachers barely even teach anything
They just talk about everything
Yet they are the ones who complain that we don't know anything
Some students are really dumb
They act like they're still ******* their thumb
Like they are a toddler
A word fiddler
Yet some students
Are students
That want to learn
Yet teachers aren't letting them learn
Instead, they are teaching nonsense
Things that don't make sense
And are teaching poorly
And cruelly
They don't give the kids a chance
And they don't enhance
Them
They're giving us low scores while they're giving them
Answer sheets for everything
Which is mind numbing

I hope no more students endure this
But the younger ones just want to hiss
It doesn't seem to change anytime soon
I love being self-aware and I love school so much! (I'm being sarcastic) THIS TOOK ME A *WEEK* TO FINISH I'M GOING TO CRY. Anyways- I hope you enjoyed my VERY long rant 🫶❤️
5d · 91
.
Kai 5d
.
I'm so ******* tired of overthinking
I'm so tired of everything
It isn't fair
Am I just a narcissist?
Am I someone that isn't interesting at all?
Please tell me
I'm trying to change myself to be more acceptable
What can I do
To please you?
I'M TRYING
PLEASE ACCEPT THAT

It is tiring when I have to listen to someone I dislike rant to me everyday
I'm tired of crying
I'm tired from school
I'm tired of drawing
I'm tired from crocheting
I'm tired of everything
Except writing my own thoughts
Emotions
Emotions I can't even detect well enough for my own sanity
Yet the strongest ones are stressed
And tired

I'm trying to adapt to other people
Like I'm an alien from another planet
Everything feels so new
Yet I feel so old
And rusty
I feel so weird
Disgusting
Grimy
I don't take care of my body well
I torture it
I hate my low self-esteem
I hate it so much
I wish I was carefree
Just like my sister
I know this might just be a phase in life
But it feels like a phase of hell

Chúa ơi...
Just release me already
From this hell
I'm begging you
An uncalled vent, but I invited it here because I needed it. I just need a long break.
Kai 5d
Why did you chose him over our 5 years friendship?
Why did you chose your and my ex over our 5 year friendship?
I hate it
Yet, I'm desperate
You have all my secrets
Secrets
I have locked within you
Now I'm scared that you
Might have the key to spill all of them
Hopefully you don't spill any of them
I'm scared
I'm terrified
I don't what to do
With you
It feels like I can't win you over anymore
Not without some gore

You're the reason why I started cutting
The cutting
Was influenced by you
I thought it was okay because of you
You're the reason why my grades started going downhill
And you're the reason why I started getting mentally ill
Yet I still hanged out with you because you were the only person that I thought was going to be my "best friend forever"
You're the one that went after my ex after I broke up with him
You and him
Made me into a relationship I didn't even like

Though, you helped me at times
Some harsh times
You helped me with situations
That had too many complications

I don't even know who to hang out with anymore
There's no more
It feels like people have betrayed me for other people
Other people
That I don't get along with anymore
No more
I'm stuck with friends I dislike
People I used to like
This is just life,
The discipline of life

I can't tell if I'm just the problem
Or if it's just them
I think it's for the best
For me to rest
From being the therapist
And the mother
Any further

I'm stuck here crying
Draining
Stressing
Overthinking
Everything
I'm too scared to speak up
Just so I don't break up
Any friendships
So I don't get kicked off of my own ship
I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't do anything. I feel like I keep pushing myself into the grave with everything that I do. Even the most mundane things.
Nov 6 · 56
Love You Mom!
Kai Nov 6
Ever since I was little
I was belittled
By others
But there was one other
That cared for me
That is my Mom you see
She would always give me care
She would always not treat me like air
She would always give me affection
Like I was her first motivation
She would always spoil me rotten
Even before I was ten
She taught me how to be respectful
Even if I was already respectful
She would pay attention to me
She would try to give everything to me
She would even risk her own life
Just for me
She took away the knife
When the knife was cutting me
She'd be there when I was hurt by others
She had always wished she could shield me from others

I love my Mom so much
I care for her so much
The only reason why I'm living is for her
I had been trying to pay her back
But she won't let me pay her back
I had made a business for her
To try to earn money for her
Yet, she wants me to keep it
I try and try to give it
Yet, she won't take it
Unless it's an emergency
You see

If you're reading this, Mom
If you're snooping through my notebook again, Mom
Just note that I love you so much
I care about you so much
I'm very grateful to you
Thank you for whatever you do
Even if I don't show it,
I love you
I will try anything to make your life better!
Nov 5 · 141
Nudes
Kai Nov 5
Nudes, that's what you wanted me to send you
I didn't want to disappoint, so I sent them to you
I was only 11-12
I looked as small as a elf
You were high
Yet, your parents nor did anyone bat an eye
You were 13
I was dating a teen
Who made me feel like looks were what only mattered
You made my life shattered
Even more than it was already
To face the treatment I received
I was deceived
I thought you were going to treat me nice
But all you handed me was a piece of ice
Covered in a sugar coating
But it was slowly rotting
Since day one
You were that someone
That I truly loved
You were that person that I trusted

Nudes were all you wanted
To ****, were all you wanted
I was scared - uncomfortable
So all I put on the table
Was a photo of my upper body without my shirt and only my bra
It made me uncomfortable with just my bra
Though, I didn't want to disappoint
I wish that I could've made a point
That I was still young
Way too young
To do that

I've realized I committed a crime
Without getting a single dime
Out of it
I hated every single second of it
All I wanted was to be loved
And all you wanted was me to be ******
By you
You wanted me to be underneath you

You ***** *******
I keep thinking about it
All the moments
On all months
How did I like someone like you?
Someone as perverted like you?
You're disgusting
You're revolting
You're so lucky I haven't told your mother about anything you did and said
Now that I think about it, I should tell her about all the things you did and said
Your actions can make your life a living hell
And I'll make it even worse than hell
I hope your life becomes shattered
Just like you shattered
Mine.
I hate it. This poem is about my perverted ex(again). He already knew I was going through a really bad episode, yet he continued to do that. He promised he'd stop, yet he didn't. I hate him.
Nov 4 · 103
Curse
Kai Nov 4
I'm your loyal dog
And you're my ruling God
I find it quite odd
It sends my brain into a bog
I can't stop following your orders
YOUR ORDERS
The curse, the spell you casted onto me to obey you
I'm your only servant
The loyal servant forced to be observant
I've been praying for you
Even if you treat me like trash
Even if you're the wind and I'm the ash

After a while, you grew tired of me
You abandoned me
You threw me away
Just so that way
You released that curse you placed on me
Just to be adopted by someone else
Just to get cursed by someone else
I barely got a break from all the abuse
From all the use
Yet, they thought I was so oblivious
Just like you thought I was so oblivious
They thought I was so cute - adorable, naïve, thoughts just like you
Why does everyone act like you?
My God?
It's so odd
I feel like I'm stuck in a time loop
Stuck in all the goop

I feel like I'm just a foot rest you can use
I feel like I'm just a puppet you can use
I feel like a young slave you can use
I'm over here working my *** off
Just so you can have work off
Just so you can have a vacation
While I live in caution
Scared of everything
Every single thing
A single curse that lasts forever. It's a curse that lasts for a long time. A tiresome curse I wish to end.
Oct 28 · 396
1 word
Kai Oct 28
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
Sorry. Please forgive me for everything wrong I've done. Please forgive me from my mistakes. I'm sorry.
Oct 25 · 81
Trust
Kai Oct 25
I don't know if I should trust you
It's true
You give me deja vu
You made me second guess myself
You made me question if I should tell you the truth about myself

You make me cautious about my words
Scared that I'll slip up my words
You make me think that life is a chess game
One wrong move and I lose the game
I got to move my pieces wisely
To not move my pieces truthfully
Oct 25 · 81
Dead
Kai Oct 25
It's lonely, but I'm okay with it
I want my hoodie strings back
I want my cords back
I ******* hate myself so much
Why won't I just jump off a cliff?
That would be so much better
People treat me like air, so why would they care?
Exactly
They won't
When will I get in therapy?
It's been so long
I want to be in therapy or in a mental hospital
It'll help me so much
I want to overdose, or suffocate myself
It would be such a pleasure
Seeing a burden like me die
Die and go to the pits of hell
Suicide awareness.
Oct 24 · 203
Drained
Kai Oct 24
People surround me
They have a different energy than me
They drain me
They make me mentally exhausted
Too exhausted
To the point where I want to lock myself up
To the point where I don't want to wake up

I'd rather rot in my bed
Just to not be called "Special Ed"
Just to not feel pain
Again
So I don't get hurt again
So I don't get shamed again
So I don't get drained again
So I don't have to be anymore insecure
So I can feel secure
While rotting away in my bed
While the depressive thoughts evacuate my head
Oct 22 · 187
Silenced
Kai Oct 22
I speak
Within a squeak
With others around me
So they can hear me
But they do not
Like, they forgot
That I existed
Like, I never coexisted
With them
Like, I'm speaking to a wall
If you're tired of me
Then just say that to me
I'll manage to change myself
Just so I can feel good about myself
Just for you,
Anything for you.
I'm so tired of being ignored and just listening to others. It's so tiring. I just want to isolate myself and take a break from everything. It makes me want to take a break from life forever.
Oct 19 · 157
All because of you
Kai Oct 19
You told me your name
Then played me into your game
You made me think that you loved me
But all you wanted was to **** me
Over
And over
And over again
Which brings me emotional pain
You gave me your hints
You even told me your hints
I decided not to be open-eared
And you because the person I feared

You only liked me because of my body and part of my personality
You just made it seem like you just wanted my speciality
I should've avoided you
I should've cut all connections with you
From you ******* someone
To impregnating and abandoning that someone
I should've known the signs were bad
But I couldn't because you were sad

Everything went downhill after that
I was flat
Dull
Within a bull
I always had to comfort you when you were the one supposed to comfort me
Your hands were leeched onto me
I couldn't get a second without you
Every single second felt like I was forced to talk to you
You always made me so tired
So drained
I couldn't even talk to my friends because of how drained I was
All because,
Of you
I was getting so mentally sick because of you
To the point of getting the rope
Hoping you wouldn't ****
Me in the after life

We were only so young
Your words only stung
I was only eleven
You were thirteen
It was too young to get exposed to mature topics
Too mature topics

I'm glad we don't talk anymore
Now I don't have to suffer anymore
I hope no one else has to suffer because of you
Only because of you
Oct 16 · 147
I feel so empty
Kai Oct 16
I feel so empty
Nothing is real
People say it's not that big of a deal
But it is
It's something you cannot miss
It lives with me everyday
It feels like a fever dream everyday
It's hard to live with
People may think it's a myth
It's really not
It's just like a knot
It's annoying
It's overwhelming

It often makes me wanna cry
But sometimes makes me want to die
It often leaves me questioning if life is real or not
It makes my brain form into a knot
It's so confusing
It's so overwhelming
I can never ground myself
I don't know how to cope with myself

The "fever dream" makes life so cloudy
It almost makes me look lousy, or drowsy
It makes me think if I'm high or drunk
Or if my body was in a trunk
It's like I have a 0.5x filter constantly running
It feels like after I got done hyperventilating

Is this a poor way of my body coping?
From all the groping?
From all the manipulation?
From all the exploitation?
I'm so tired of this fever dream. Why can't I wake up?
Oct 15 · 389
Used
Kai Oct 15
I'm not a mere object you can use
I'm not a mere puppet you can use
I'm tired of this
I'm tired of getting used like this
Like I'm everyone's slave
People think that they can get away with treating me like a slave,
Because they can
People think they can use me, then discard me,
Because they can
Why can't people see?
Why can't parents teach their children to act better?
Why can't parents teach their children to write a letter?
To all of the other kids that their child has harmed
To all of the other kids that their child has used

It isn't fun being used
It feels like hell being used

Day by day,
May to May,
Year to year,
Tears turn into fear,
Fear of getting used again
Fear turns into pain,
Emotional pain from being used turns into trust issues
This is kind of like the poem "Advantage", a poem I made. I just had the random idea to vent my trauma again into a poem so.... 🤭
Oct 13 · 288
Advantage
Kai Oct 13
I trusted you ever since we met
You even made me in debt
You took advantage of me,
You stabbed me,
But I couldn't see
I was only so oblivious
I am still so oblivious
I acknowledge it,
But I don't care about it

I was only six years old
I wasn't old-
Enough to learn that you-
Were taking advantage of me
I couldn't see-
The knife you-
Stabbed into me until you disappeared
I wasn't open-eared
I couldn't hear,
Until a clone of you came along
It's been so long
Since I heard
I can hear now,
I can trust you now

The cycle just repeats;
Day by day,
Bay to bay.
This is just about people who come in my life just to take advantage of me

There's no ending to it. There's no ending to their endless manipulation and how much they take advantage of me. Please make it stop.
Oct 13 · 312
Childhood Trauma
Kai Oct 13
I felt like I was robbed
Stabbed
Ever since I was eight
When I ate
And felt good
About my childhood
So carefree
So bother free
I was robbed
And stabbed
In the back
With a pitchfork

Now, I'm dealing with injuries
Heart injuries
That never gets better
Only poorer
As days go by
And fly by
It gets more tiring
And damaging
To move
To make a move
Oct 13 · 273
Cage
Kai Oct 13
I despise this species
I envy this species
How they can fly high
Fly high in the sky
They seem so free
Why can't I be like thee?

I'm a bird trapped inside a small cage
Waiting to get out
Society's standards are like the cage
I can't bend them or else others will not like me
But if I do bend thee
I'll get a taste of freedom
With sour consequences on the side
The rules I have to abide
Now I'm stuck in between the lines of the cage
Where they bind
My freedom
As I watch other birds
Fly high in the air
Without a care

— The End —