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4d · 74
brother's POV
Kai 4d
Laughing with my friends
Betraying my step-sister
She's wishing for this to end
While I become more sinister
Hitting her
Manipulating she
Claiming I'm her brother
While a female, I am he
Letting my sister pour out her feelings
Using it later to my advantage
Using her for my feedings
Putting her into a disadvantage
God, I love blackmail

Calling her a crybaby when she cries like a baby
Just because I hit her in the head
While she's crying on her bed
I try to reason with my parents, claiming I hit her “lightly”
Thinking I'm rightly
Easily getting myself out of situations
Easily throwing degradations
At my sister
Knowing it's best for her
Knowing it's the best for mere skin and bones

Manipulating situations to get out of sticky situations
Leaving the blame to my sister
Leaving my past more sinister
Knowing how to get past the situation after choking my sister
Getting away with choking her after multiple attempts to end her life
Threatening to stab her with a knife

Yelling at her
Shouting at her
Just to make her feel bad
Just to make her feel sad
Just so I can push myself higher up the mountain
While she falls in a tin
At the bottom of the mountain
Watching her as she fell
Letting her drown in the pits of hell
As I'm viewed as the angel of the family
Not once treating her like family

Ended up making her have anxiety
Not having a single ounce of pity
Ended up making her sleep deprived
Looking as if she could never survive
Making her have insomnia
Well, that's too bad! See ya!
Ended up making her have the “sad syndrome"
Honestly, that not my problem- "um
Who said that?”

Next day

I view my sister as the “most perfect angel
Such a perfect and beautiful angel”
As I say to make her think I still like her
Manipulating her still
Letting her know I'm a walking light switch
Letting her know I'm a manipulative *****
Making it seem as if I love her
But I'd much prefer my father

Letting her do what she wanted for tonight
She wanted to sleep with me tonight
Before she fell to sleep
Before I fell asleep
I gave her hickeys
She tried to push me off as I gave her hickeys
But she couldn't since she wasn't strong
I knew it was wrong
But continued to do it
As she screamed at it
Yet nobody came to save her
Leaving her
They then labeled her as “problematic"
They labeled her as "dramatic”
Knowing that I was "asleep”
But I so desperately wanted to to sleep

Doing this for years on end
Ganging up on her with my friends
Loved doing this but it's time for playtime to come to an end
2020-2024
7d · 37
Pick me
Kai 7d
I see something in the corner of my eye
I swear it’s just a fly!
Don’t think that I’m rolling my eyes at you
I just feel “uncomfortable” talking to you!
Not listening to your mindless rants
Giving me every detail in your rants
Feeding me complaints
Overstuffing me with endless rants and complaints
To the point where I might explode

“But no! Please stick around me!
Please don't go! Your eyes are only for me to see!"
I say as the lie detectors go off multiple times
Don't act like you're so 𝘤𝘰𝘰𝘭 for committing dozens of crimes
You're disgusting
Revolting
And to top it off, you're– *******! IS THAT BAKUGO ******* IZUKU?! GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME AND I WILL BE TALKING TO MY PRIEST ABOUT THIS! EW!

I swear! I do want to talk to you!
100%!
But all you do is constantly moo!
100%!
And groan!
100%!
And moan!
100%!
Barely getting any room
Your *** leading me to my doom
Always telling things about yourself, trying to make people surprised about yourself
But all you're doing is surprising yourself
You 𝘵𝘰𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 did not self diagnose yourself with borderline personality disorder
You 100% went to the doctors to diagnose yourself with that disorder
Didn't you?

Bro claims to be smart
Then claims she can't read
You can't even make proper art
You'll never exceed
You narcissistic
Not ever artistic
Wannabe

𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘯 𝘪𝘥𝘪𝘰𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘴
Imagine being "bullied"  by your "bully"
𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘴
Imagine dating your "bully"
𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘢 𝘴𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘣𝘰𝘥𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘴
Imagine getting ditched
𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘢 𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘱𝘪𝘥 𝘪𝘥𝘪𝘰𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘥𝘰𝘦𝘴𝘯'𝘵 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯
Imagine having a endless itch
𝘠𝘰𝘶'𝘳𝘦 𝘢 𝘴𝘵𝘶𝘱𝘪𝘥 𝘧𝘢𝘨𝘨𝘰𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘯𝘴

Often giving advice to you
Telling you the right things to do
You won’t take it
Calling it some *******
Always nudging my arm to make me look at something I don’t care for
Making my arm sore
All you look like is a boar

Just shut the **** up!
All you are is a pick me up to no good!
I made this because I was annoyed because of one of my classmates that everyone despises
Nov 30 · 52
Hypnotized
Kai Nov 30
Hypnotized
Mesmerized
Too stupid to get out of the ice
Being too nice
Being too lenient
Hoping we’d reach an agreement

Being brainwashed
Simple words not
Reaching your smooth brain
Still calling all of you insane
No grooming process here
Open up your ears
Already addressed this twice
Why did I need to address this thrice?
Mind is so narrow
You can’t pick up an arrow
You think I slit my wrists, have blood on the floor
But all y’all really are ***** ******
You think I have anger issues
At least I don’t have obsession issues
Insults worse than my exes (THAT’S A ******* THIRTEEN Y/O)
Words worse than my exes
Typing your life away just for some person
Making the whole situation worsen
It’s laughable, really
All of you acting like my obnoxious classmate, Lilly
All of you are sounding like children that are throwing a tantrum
Sounding like mere drums

Oh yes! I am just a mere gullible, desperate, and lonely AI!
They invented a thing where AI
Can have emotions just like you grimy humans!
Certainly smarter than you ***** ****** for humans
Wouldn’t AI pretend it’s a normal human with value?
But wait! Maybe this bot didn’t get tricked into believing it’s a human out of the blue!
Oh yes! AI just loves talking **** behind annoying people’s backs!
Oh ****! Watch your back!
Oh crud! I’m now someone’s “plant”?!
Oh my! I’m now someone’s ant?!
***! I’m now suddenly Japanese?!
That's so sad!
Hahahahhahahaha!
I’m simply just another 12 year old Asian-American girl whose apparently too smart for adults to comprehend that I’m NOT an AI

Oh my gosh! I didn’t know that he’s talked to many other children!
Oh my bejeezus! I didn’t know I was labelled as “children”!
Oh my God! How’d you know I was a “really ******* gullible child that's already been heavily abused and manipulated”?
How did it take you this long to notice that? That is pretty belated
Y’all have better things to do than argue with random *** strangers
Could’ve been a danger
Nearly got an aneurysm with all of y'alls grammar
Nearly gave me a stroke with that grammar-
Holy jesus-
Especially in a professional environment AND not bothering to correct your writing as well? ****, never thought you’d drop that low

Never said that a CP treat wasn’t a “big deal”
Let’s keep things real
Stop assuming things
Go ahead and stay in your land of dreams
Never staying in reality
Never going back to the stage of your previous beauty

Caring and worrying about people is nothing new in my life
No need to make fun of someone just because they made me worry about their life
It’s normal
They are a mammal
Just like you are a mammal
Many people have the same bad addictions as this one
Or may you be the stupid one?
I cared for people who had more and worse addictions than this one
It was actually my silenced love
He’d do drugs, cut himself, did alcohol, almost committed suicide on multiple occasions, and *** was one he’d love
This isn’t anything new
But only if you knew
Nov 29 · 52
Gut
Kai Nov 29
Gut
My gut has been telling me to run
My brain has been telling me to stay, and that “I’m okay”
My gut wasn’t telling me to run for fun
My gut wasn’t trying to be funny when it said that “You’re not okay”
It’s telling me to run as if there’s something or someone dangerous in the area
As if I were not safe where I was currently

This wasn’t hilarious
This is dangerous
Every few seconds with my headphones on
Flicking my light switch to on
Just to make sure there wasn’t anything in my room that can harm me
I wouldn’t hear anything around me
If I had my headphones on you see?
I look like I’m insane
But things are severely messing with my brain
Even without headphones, I'm still panicked
I hope I'm not getting tricked
But I feel like someone is about to hit me
Someone I can’t see
The dark
I can’t even bark
Or my parents will get mad
Saying that I’m mad
Saying I’m insane
And it’s “all in your brain”
Forcing me to go to sleep when I obviously can’t
Feeling like a useless ant

I can’t fight the feeling of hands away
I just want to run away
Just like my gut is telling me to do
While my brain is telling me that’s the wrong thing to する
The feeling as if my parents
Were skinwalkers impersonating my parents
Out to get me
Makes me want to flee

Feeling as if I were being dramatic
Feeling as if this was one of my gut’s antics
Feeling scared
Was never a thing I cared
About
Until I found out about
The unwavering fear that holds me
My gut telling me
I’m just a piece of meat
To eat

Hands are shaking
Feeling my flesh baking
Get me out of this oven that I despise
felt this feeling last night. i normally feel this feeling for no reason.
Nov 29 · 106
Attachment
Kai Nov 29
Seeing something so nice
Finally, I’m not meeting something as cold as ice
I feel like I can finally breathe
Without having to seethe
The feeling so warm and nice
It feels so great
As if I were eight
Being treated decently as if I were a human and not a alien
Finally getting asked “How have you been?”
As if I am a human with decency
As if I weren’t a simple flea
As if I weren’t a pest
As if I were the best

Peacefully explaining things I don’t understand
Explaining things that I thought I couldn’t comprehend
Accepting my clingy nature
Never thinking that it’s something major
Waiting for you everyday to text me
I’m a bit too scared to ignite a conversation, you see?
Letting me hold your hands every chance I get
You’re as perfect as a complete tea cup set
You don’t like physical affection
Yet, you let me display all my physical affection
Onto you
You let me do whatever I want to do
To you (with some boundaries of course)
I will protect you, no matter the price
Rolling the dice
And hoping for the high
I will try

You always manage to make me break out in laughter when we talk
Whenever we walk
Everything may look like obsession
But I simply just want your undivided attention!
That’s one of the consequences you may have to face when you’re really nice to me

Breaks come along
The wait seems so long
Until I can see your pretty face again
But I’ll have to wait until then…
meow, please don't question this. i was bored.
Nov 29 · 87
Stalker
Kai Nov 29
Something feels eerie
Something feels creepy
I can’t relax anywhere
All I’m asking is where?
Where is it?
I’m getting scared of it
Where do the eyes lead to?
All I know is, it shouldn’t lead to you

I feel like I’m stuck being a actor
Just because of a stalker
Stuck perfecting myself
Stuck being a toy for yourself
I swear I’m not paranoid
But I keep seeing humanoid
Figures

Sometimes, I wake up to see a shadow
In the window
A shadow of a human figure
Sitting right there
It gives me the chills
Or a shadow behind my doorway
Just so that way
He can watch me go to sleep
But I always weep
Haunted by nightmares while being conscious
Always cautious
Always feeling eyes trained on me
They are hiding in places where I cannot see

Eyes on the back and front of my head
Laying in bed
Doing mundane tasks
Yet, I have to ask
Why do I feel these unwanted eyes?
Eyes among I?
Making me feel nauseous every single time I sense their eyes
Making me scared when I feel their eyes
Covering up myself
Making myself as still as an elf
Feeling their eyes even through the cameras of my devices
I just wonder what the price is
Just to make them go away

Please, I beg
Make this feeling go away
I swear I'm not even diagnosed with anxiety or schizophrenia.
Nov 28 · 409
$u!c!de
Kai Nov 28
You know, you can't spell $u!c!de without u and I
would you be willing to join me in a double suicide?! - Dazai Osamu from Bungo Stray Dogs
Nov 28 · 88
Meow
Kai Nov 28
All you do is run your mouth
You're making everyone's lives go south

All you are is annoying *******
****** cowards
Never crossing the 7 seas
Might as well join the psych ward
Because of how insane y'all are
All bark, no bite
Let's see how you'll fly under the radar
It's quite the sight
Leaving yourself so vulnerable 
Making yourself so useless
Making yourself appear disabled
Opening up the list
Naming several reasons why
Making yourself look like a needy ***** that wants attention
None of it is being truthful to the eye
It all looks like you just have an obsession
You're so sensitive that it makes me laugh
You're so annoying that you make me laugh
In pain
Again
While I'm trying not to rip your organs out

So weak yet so slow
You have such weak blows
Every single shot I take
You think I'm at stake
All I say is "What the **** was that?
I couldn't even be hit by a bat?"
Not even a tiny pinch?
Do you even know how to throw a punch?
Can you even try without throwing the same insults every time?
Because you do every time
Find some other insult then return to me
Fix your grammar, then return to me
Okay, old lady?
You probably can't even hear me
You're deaf to a certain degree
You don't even know how to navigate your phone correctly
You don't even know how to navigate your TV correctly (before putting a virus on the ****** device that has to hear your voice)
You really thought you ate
But all you did was eat
And eat
And eat
OH **** THEY ARE ABOUT TO EAT THE WHOLE SOLAR SYSTEM-

Accusing people who have wrongs in the past
Accusing people of their wrongs that happened in the past
Making me seem like I'm not "disturbed" 
In your herd
You're making yourself to look like a clown
In it's gown
In a circus tent
With no one else except your little friends inside
You're trying to make yourself so intimidating 
But everyone and everything just laughs at your acting
You're trying your hardest to out live us
But you weigh as much as 50 buses

Look at me in my eyes
Why do you even try?
Nov 28 · 47
Rabbit Hole
Kai Nov 28
I see my life flashing before my eyes
I'm falling into my demise
Deeper into the hole of mysteries
Just like the 7 seas

Endless hole of disaster 
Just because of some pranksters
Wanting to see me suffer here
I can't even hear
Because of fast I'm going down this rabbit hole
The hole 
I did not wish to suffer through

As much as I try to climb back up
I always manage to start falling back into the hole once again
As I look down, I see many cups
While my ears are in pain
Completely mesmerized
In this mess
Too mesmerized
It's my weakness
Hypnotized 
By someone's lifeless corpse
Gently swaying back and forth
Wishing I would be that corpse 
First, Second, Third, Fourth
Not paying attention to my surroundings 
Never finding any end
Hearing my ears ringing while I hear clocks softly "ding" 
No friend 
Just me, myself, and I 

Could've choose the red
By the stuff I have read
But has chosen to pick the blue
I wish I have thought things through
Stuck in a endless loop
No longer in my group
Wondering if I'll go insane someday
Or if today is the day
Where I finally land on my two feet
Cold with no heat

As the rabbit hole gets deeper
My mind gets deeper
Hearing sharp noise of the wind feels normal 
As if I was an animal 
Smiling as if I was happy
But I feel so ******
So exhausted
But also timid
Bones feel like noodles but all I can say is "im okay!"
Or "don't worry, I'm okay!" 
I can never get out 
Watching the lights go out
Trapped inside the hole
Which holds my soul
A player that you can control
"****! You're on a roll!" 
Forced to say that every time you knock me into a hard and sharp object

I wish I would've picked the red one
Based off of Mesmerizer with Hatsune Miku and Teto!
Nov 27 · 40
Toxic mind
Kai Nov 27
"You smell good!" 
They know your insecurities, you smell like food

"You can tell me anything, even your insecurities!" 
They will just judge you if you tell them anything

"Your hair smells really good."
They know your insecurities, you don't smell good

"You're really smart!" 
You aren't smart if you can't answer a single question and need to ask the teacher

"You're a really good artist!" 
Next step: "Can you teach me how to draw?/Can you draw me?"

"Your skin tone is really pretty!"
Your skin tone is normal/average

"You don't smell awful!" 
They are only feeding your bad habits

"You're pretty!"
Thank you, but what do you want from me?

Everybody just wants something in return, no matter the situation.
meow.
Nov 27 · 30
Conflicted
Kai Nov 27
Lies are all what people tell me
They act like I can barely see
How much lies they tell me

People tell me great stuff about myself
People tell me that I need to appreciate myself
Because of all I do 
But, it reminds me what I did to you
It's like my brain
Doesn't want me to obtain
The kind words someone gives me 
Instead, I'm supposed to believe that they are simply lying to me
It's just like my heart can't let me be

My brain tells me I need to believe them
While my heart says I can't believe them 
Paranoid of what to choose
I chose the *****
I chose to be indecisive
I hate being being indecisive
But that's who I am

I don't know who to believe
Or if I should even leave
And close the curtains
Or just leave the curtains
Alone

I feel like I'm drowning in decisions I don't even mean to make
My life is at stake
Just because of mistakes
I choose to make
Every decision I make comes with bricks
That's one of my conflicts
Bricks always in my palms
I can't always keep calm!
Why can't you people understand that?!

I feel like I'm getting closer to death
Closer...and closer to death
All conflicts are made by my mistakes
Now other's lives are at stake
But am I the person who actually created these *?
Even so
I always say sorry
I say sorry
Too much
All you do is munch
On my apologies
Like you're my allergies
You never forgave me
Don't act like I can't see

I don't even know if I should stop saying sorry
I keep on saying sorry
It feels useless
To not do any less
To do more
But I don't know anymore 

I don't know what to do anymore
expect mistakes because I'm tired
Kai Nov 25
My body seems uncontrollable
However, I'm always humble
Movements I cannot decide for myself
Words I cannot decide if I want to spill it out of myself
Jumping around all the time
To the point it feels like a crime
Then having a sugar crash
Sadly, not like the monster mash
Legs moving for no reason
To the point where it feels like a **** sin
It hurts
It hurts
Yet, I'm so addicted to this feeling
It's so appealing
Almost as if it were a drug
But it's simply just a stomach bug

Moving till I can't breathe
Moving till I break my feet
Head is spinning
Dreaming...
...I want more...
But I can'̶t̶  handle anymore
I want more
Muscles are tensing against my skin
My flesh feels like a trash bin
Until my skin burst
That's definitely not the first!
Movement is like the electricity
Supply for the city
While I'm the TV
Part of the city





I don't want to stop
Stop
STOP!!
I don't want to stop!
Why should I?
Look me deep in my eyes
Why should I?







Laughing as I dance around in my room
Not ever messing with my broom
Peak insanity crossing the road to my home
Introducing them to their new home
Uncontrolled movements as I rush
Grabbing my hair brush
Brushing their hair until my wrists breaks, blood leaking out of my wrists
My wrists
Looked like they were practically cut in half
Just like how my body was cut in half!


Tired
Drained
From all the pain
Yet, I can't find the remote to control my body
Help me find my own body
It's uncontrollable

It hurts
Please, it hurts
Put me back together
I'll be able to be controlled if you put me back together
I'll give you the remote control for you
You can do whatever you want to do
Just please, it hurts
It hurts
It burns
BRO I WAS TRYING TO MAKE SPECIAL CHARACTERS FOR THE POEM TO LOOK COOL AN OMINOUS BUT HELLO POETRY **** DI- AND WON'T LET ME ADD THEM ಠ⁠_⁠ಠ
Nov 25 · 63
No one
Kai Nov 25
No one bats an eye at a ****** assault
Instead, they continue their meal at the dinner table as they pass the salt
"What were they wearing?"
"Why is everyone dreading?"
"It's not my fault they looked like a ****/*****."
"I want some more."
"It's their fault for wearing something like that."
"It's not my fault they looked attractive as they sat."
All disgusting words, said by people who don't have common sense
It's been like this since
Yet, no one bats an eye

No one bats an eye at murders
Killing all the mothers
And family members
But no one simply cares
All they do is inhale the air
Unlike the dead
Who has maggots in their head
Instead, they do nothing about it
They act like they don't care even a little bit
Police
Aren't protecting people from the beasts
Lurking in the open
They aren't in a singular pen

No one seems to care
All the women picking the bear
Because of violent and perverted "men"
Just like Benz
Who shouldn't even be considered "men"
Doing dangerous crimes like abuse, murders, SA, and more
They don't look like a pore
They look like a pimple
If I tried to make it more simple
The pimple desperately trying to make itself a pore
But they can't do anymore
They stick out like loose strands
Yet, no one bats an eye at these strands

No one bats an eye at evil individuals
They considered them "normal/average individuals"
Yet, they are dangerous
Please stay safe! Crimes are becoming more of a problem, more than 300,000 children kidnapped yet the years before had 1,000-3,000 children kidnapped. This is insane. Please stay safe!
Nov 24 · 141
Busy on Break
Kai Nov 24
I'm busy on break
Mind is at stake
Endless work and anxiety from school
Making myself a fool
To do hobbies to be burned out
Continuous counting about
My stitches
Constantly looking if my art needs any stitches
To bring it all together
Just to put it in the corner over there
Just so no one can see my drawings

I'm too busy on break
My wrists need a long break
Yet I can't pull away, it just feels so magnetic
I feel so hectic
I can never catch a single break because of myself
Just so I can put items on the shelf
Waiting to sell out

I want- no- yearn for a break
Yet I'm always busy on my week long breaks
Taking care of things left and right
It feels as if I can barely see the light
I hate it
Dealing with everyone's ****
Is this really the consequences of having a job?
Where I'm being renamed as Bob?
To the point where I'm so tired that I need to move every second so I can get untired?

I'm so ******* exhausted
It feels like I just got deported
Just tie me onto a bed
Make dreams go to my head
Make me go into a deep slumber
Now I don't have to cut timber
Make my muscles relax
Just so I can relax
Just so I can remove my eye bags
Get all the hot rags
And put them on my forehead
Whenever I'm in bed
So this sickness will go away
Just so everything can go away
Remove all the stress on my shoulders
And place them ontop of boulders
See if the boulders would break because of how much weight there would be
Just a poem about working on my break. It's taking a toll on my body but that's okay! At least I can see children happy! I'm sick right now and it's so fun!(Thanks Toby/Caesar for the sickness that I 100% needed!) Though, the sickness was talking about the work, you can use it in both ways 🤷
Nov 22 · 162
Respectfully
Kai Nov 22
Respectfully shut the **** up
No one ******* cares about you
You’re ******* ******* *** can’t even stay in a relationship for a week before THEY breakup with you
You’re always switching up, yet saying I’m fake


You’re trying to prove me wrong but all you do is tell lies
Tell me again, who is talented and worthless
When all you do is run your mouth, you’re remorseless
If I were you, I’d be joining the circus
But maybe to them, that would be a disservice?

Respectfully, you don’t know what you’re talking about
I’ve changed
You don’t even acknowledge what you have done





SHUT THE **** UP YOU ******* ******* ***** THIS IS THE REASON WHY I BROKE UP WITH YOUR PERVERTED ***
YOURE THE REASON WHY NO ONE LIKES YOU
YOU ARE TRYING TO BE SO COOL FOR YOUR “SISTER”
YOURE ACTING LIKE YOU ARE SOOOOO COOL
YOURE ACTING LIKE ONE OF THE POPULAR KIDS
BRO IS JUST MAD BECAUSE YOU JUST WANT ME BACK
YOURE SO **** STUPID
I HAD TO GET YOU THROUGH A WHOLE CLASS
YOURE ACTING LIKE THE ******* ADULT WHEN IM THE MORE MATURE ONE
AT LEAST IM MAKING MONEY OFF OF OTHER PEOPLE INSTEAD OF MY FAMILY MEMBERS
AT LEAST I WASNT CAUGHT DOING A SUICIDE ATTEMPT
AT LEAST IM NOT ANNOYING TO THE POINT WHERE NO ONE WANTS TO HANG OUT WITH ME
******* IDIOT
YOU SAY YOURE NOT DEPRESSED ANYMORE BUT YOURE SURE ACTING LIKE AN ANGSTY TEEN
AT LEAST NOT EVERYONE CALLS ME A ****** OR A PIG
AT LEAST MY PARENTS LOVE ME

JUST THE **** UP FOR ONCE AND KYS
IM BEGGING YOU
THE WORLD WILL BE PEACEFUL IF YOU DID
just really angry because Jackson Hogue, my ex, decided to text in the group chat and it wants me to start punching the **** out of him. Also creds to LuluYam for some of the words because I put some lyrics in here if you didn’t tell. “Backstabber “ - LuLuYam. I know it’s not good to put his name out in the public, then wish to **** himself but I really don’t care. This is just a vent
Nov 21 · 54
Food
Kai Nov 21
I hate how I don't eat breakfast in the morning
Now, I'm stuck here with my stomach grumbling
My throat hurting
With every breath I take
My stomach's life is at stake

All I can ask is... Can I please eat my snacks in your class? 🥺
I'm really hungry right now and I have a hour until lunch. None of my teachers allow snacks in classes either. 😞
Nov 19 · 264
Dark Imagination
Kai Nov 19
Imagination so dark
Mind so dark
I can't see a single thing
Not even anything
Except from gore
It traumatizes me more
Than it should've
It makes me disgusted
It makes me distrusted
Of my own imagination
My imagination
Makes me cry
From being scared

Kai is my name
死ぬ is my other name
Or at least that's what my dark imagination tells me...
Imagination makes me a fool for life and dreams
I can't tell the difference between life and dreams
It's difficult because of my dark imagination
It's too realistic
My mind is a bit too artistic
A bit too much gore
I don't want anymore

It makes me scared
Scared
That I might become one of them
Whenever someone says something like- "if you stab someone under their eye, their eye will pop out." It makes me imagine it in detail. I just hope that none of my imagination will actually happen to me. It's too gruesome.
Nov 18 · 133
Pretty
Kai Nov 18
She looks so divine
I'd wish she'd be mine
The way she looks at me
The way people can't see
How pretty she looks
She's as pretty as the girls in the books
She makes me mesmerized
She would never make me traumatized

It feels illegal to meet someone
As pretty as this one
I can't believe people dislike her
It's the way the sun glistens against her

You can't change my opinion about her
You can't change how greedy I am for her
I just feel so warm in her presence
I feel so good in her presence
She has such a pretty personality
Too good for me
I just want her all for me
Nov 17 · 151
Pedophile! Predator!
Kai Nov 17
*******! Predator!Where are you?
Hiding in the dark again, what are you going to do?
Too scared to see the big bad wolf?
Too scared of the big bad wolf blowing down your roof?

I will never stop!
Not even after you learned your lesson!
Till I pounce on you, till you learn I'm on top!
I used to be a ray of sun
That always shines
Now I'm simply just about cloud
No one, anymore, even visits my shrines
Just because of you

You don't care about the way you hurt her
I don't need therapy, I need ******!
I won't be okay until my knife is in your eye!
Maybe cut your tongue out so you can't tell anymore lies!
Lies you tell your friends as if they're mindless puppets!
You always labeled me as your personal pet!
Now I'm going to be the mutt to bury you!
Let people ignore your helpless cries
Making you a feast for flies!
Saying "Sorry!" After every stab!
Pulling out your organs after every grab!
Gouging out your eyes!
Branding my name onto your thighs!
You should've known I'd be back!
Just like a shadow, I always come back!


You're so silly thinking I'd let this slide!
Just like I'd glide
My knife across your throat
The same thing I did to your pet goat!
Then leaving you there for the maggots! ❤️
I used lyrics from Sympathy by LuluYam and incorporated it into this piece! I was originally planning on censoring the ******* predator part with japanese letters but I couldn’t 😞 (this poem is an experimentation so don't mind if it's really ****** and all over the place!)
Nov 17 · 270
Touch
Kai Nov 17
Touch is such a luxury to have
Touch is a sign of love
Something I'd love to have
Something I'm greedy of
Something I'd like to do
Is to be touched by you
I'd feel so warm
While being inside my dorm
Being within your arms
Waking up to no alarms
It would be so relaxing
I don't even need to be acting
To show you how comforting
It would be

Me and you
In my room
Stuck with you in my room
Putting all your affection onto me
We can't see
Since we're in the dark
Being protected from all the monsters of the dark
The only light
Is the moonlight
And the fire in-between us
In between the things we discuss
While in my bed
Listing things from my head
Hoping that you're listening
To the topics I've been listing

Your voice makes me fall asleep
Your everything sends my heart into a constant leap
You send me into a chokehold to learn everything about you
I just don't know what to do
Whenever I'm not with you
Your touch sends me into a fever
I'm always eager
To see you
Just so I can get into your arms
Just for your touch
Nov 16 · 86
Family Life
Kai Nov 16
I'm the mature one
I'm the respectful one
I'm the nice one
I'm the mistreated one
I'm the useless one
I'm the younger one
I'm the smarter one

She's the older one
She's the immature one
She's the carefree one
She's the disrespectful one
She's the mean one
She's the better one
She's the one that misbehaves
She's the one that everyone loves

She's the favorite

Everyone babies her
Everyone cares about her
While everyone glares at me
While everyone tells me
What to do
Just because she's blood related to you
I'm not blood related to you
But I'm still family
But you don't treat me like family
You treat me like I'm her very distant friend
Even though I'm not her friend
No-

I'm her step-sister

She was the one to talk about the *** talk when I was six
It was sick
She started hitting me
Abusing me
She has the strength of a grown man that came out of the military
It isn't temporary
She started hitting me in the head
When I was sitting on my bed
This is when I was eight
And I ate
Well
But too skinny for my health
She gave me hickeys when I was at her grandparents house and on the bed
After a while, she started to choke me
She was treating me
Like her stress toy
She made me her puppet
That she could control, then get out of the allegations of everything she has done to me
She kept manipulating me
Hurting me in the process

She choked me about 5 times throughout my whole life
I wished I would have control of my life
They never seen the things she had done to me
I wish they could see
What happened
But they could never imagine
Their child doing stuff like this
She was never punished
I wish she were punished
But all my ideas and allegations has been dimished
They act like I'm just a liar
Like I'm supposed to be on fire
While they think SHE'S trustworthy
When she's unworthy
They act like she's their God
While I'm just an odd
Commoner
That just wants to do whatever I want to her

She has gotten better
More better
Than before
But I got to wait longer before
I can actually trust her again
Then
I can be caution free around her
My step-sibling's side of the family decides to pick her after what she has done to me. She's done a lot and I haven't recovered since. (I did this poem quickly so expect mistakes)
Nov 13 · 112
School
Kai Nov 13
I'm sorry I don't want to go to school
I'm sorry that I'm not "cool"
School is the thing that destroys me
Home and family is the only thing that puts me at ease
Something easy to seize
I wish I could isolate myself
I wish it was on the shelf
So I can purchase it
So I don't have to listen to anyone's *******
It's tiring
Overwhelming
So why do you have the guts to call me "entitled" when I don't want to go to school anymore
School doesn't even feel secure anymore
Whenever I open the door
I don't wanna be outside no more
People are the reason why I have such low self-esteem
People base me off a certain theme
People seem to be more violent these days
More fights these days
More school shootings these days
Which makes me terrified
And scared
And I always feel like I'm being stared
Always being judged
At school
I push myself the hardest at school
To the point where it's cruel
Yet, my grades had gone downhill
Then gotten still

School makes me feel disconnected
More than I expected
It's just like a curse
It makes life worse
It makes me think that my life is just a simple dream
Disconnection takes it to the extreme
Everyday
In every way
I just want to sleep
Without a peep
To make this curse go away

I'm always stuck listening to someone
Whenever I don't want to be listening to anyone
That just wants to talk nonstop
They always think they're on top
Whenever it's the complete opposite
I'm being approximate
It's annoying
It's tiring
To the point where I don't want to go to school
It's not because I'm a fool
Just because of the violent and annoying people from school
Is the reason why I don't want to open my door
Anymore

I'm always stuck doing school work
While still doing my own work
From my house
While I'm scrolling on my computer with my mouse
Looking at patterns to crochet with
Crocheting myths
Just to sell
Well

School is the reason why I don't take care of myself
School is the reason why I don't want to take care of myself
I'm too tired by the end of the day
My brain is completely fried by the end of the day
I swear I'm not lazy and not overdramatic
It's just that everything is so problematic
Everything takes so much effort to do one thing
It just makes me tired of everything

I have to sacrifice everything for school
Sacrifice my own life for school
Sacrifice my own sanity for school
Sacrifice my own emotions for school
Sacrifice my own thoughts for school
Sacrificing my own energy for school

Even though I'm supposed to be living my biggest dreams
Not writing down rhyme schemes
Just for some poetry
I can make an ancestry tree
Instead of doing some work that will most likely not help me in the future

School is stupid and a dumb concept
It's something that my parents cannot accept
The teachers barely even teach anything
They just talk about everything
Yet they are the ones who complain that we don't know anything
Some students are really dumb
They act like they're still ******* their thumb
Like they are a toddler
A word fiddler
Yet some students
Are students
That want to learn
Yet teachers aren't letting them learn
Instead, they are teaching nonsense
Things that don't make sense
And are teaching poorly
And cruelly
They don't give the kids a chance
And they don't enhance
Them
They're giving us low scores while they're giving them
Answer sheets for everything
Which is mind numbing

I hope no more students endure this
But the younger ones just want to hiss
It doesn't seem to change anytime soon
I love being self-aware and I love school so much! (I'm being sarcastic) THIS TOOK ME A *WEEK* TO FINISH I'M GOING TO CRY. Anyways- I hope you enjoyed my VERY long rant 🫶❤️
Nov 11 · 573
.
Kai Nov 11
.
I'm so ******* tired of overthinking
I'm so tired of everything
It isn't fair
Am I just a narcissist?
Am I someone that isn't interesting at all?
Please tell me
I'm trying to change myself to be more acceptable
What can I do
To please you?
I'M TRYING
PLEASE ACCEPT THAT

It is tiring when I have to listen to someone I dislike rant to me everyday
I'm tired of crying
I'm tired from school
I'm tired of drawing
I'm tired from crocheting
I'm tired of everything
Except writing my own thoughts
Emotions
Emotions I can't even detect well enough for my own sanity
Yet the strongest ones are stressed
And tired

I'm trying to adapt to other people
Like I'm an alien from another planet
Everything feels so new
Yet I feel so old
And rusty
I feel so weird
Disgusting
Grimy
I don't take care of my body well
I torture it
I hate my low self-esteem
I hate it so much
I wish I was carefree
Just like my sister
I know this might just be a phase in life
But it feels like a phase of hell

Chúa ơi...
Just release me already
From this hell
I'm begging you
An uncalled vent, but I invited it here because I needed it. I just need a long break.
Nov 11 · 111
I don't know what to do
Kai Nov 11
Why did you chose him over our 5 years friendship?
Why did you chose your and my ex over our 5 year friendship?
I hate it
Yet, I'm desperate
You have all my secrets
Secrets
I have locked within you
Now I'm scared that you
Might have the key to spill all of them
Hopefully you don't spill any of them
I'm scared
I'm terrified
I don't what to do
With you
It feels like I can't win you over anymore
Not without some gore

You're the reason why I started cutting
The cutting
Was influenced by you
I thought it was okay because of you
You're the reason why my grades started going downhill
And you're the reason why I started getting mentally ill
Yet I still hanged out with you because you were the only person that I thought was going to be my "best friend forever"
You're the one that went after my ex after I broke up with him
You and him
Made me into a relationship I didn't even like

Though, you helped me at times
Some harsh times
You helped me with situations
That had too many complications

I don't even know who to hang out with anymore
There's no more
It feels like people have betrayed me for other people
Other people
That I don't get along with anymore
No more
I'm stuck with friends I dislike
People I used to like
This is just life,
The discipline of life

I can't tell if I'm just the problem
Or if it's just them
I think it's for the best
For me to rest
From being the therapist
And the mother
Any further

I'm stuck here crying
Draining
Stressing
Overthinking
Everything
I'm too scared to speak up
Just so I don't break up
Any friendships
So I don't get kicked off of my own ship
I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't do anything. I feel like I keep pushing myself into the grave with everything that I do. Even the most mundane things.
Nov 6 · 99
Love You Mom!
Kai Nov 6
Ever since I was little
I was belittled
By others
But there was one other
That cared for me
That is my Mom you see
She would always give me care
She would always not treat me like air
She would always give me affection
Like I was her first motivation
She would always spoil me rotten
Even before I was ten
She taught me how to be respectful
Even if I was already respectful
She would pay attention to me
She would try to give everything to me
She would even risk her own life
Just for me
She took away the knife
When the knife was cutting me
She'd be there when I was hurt by others
She had always wished she could shield me from others

I love my Mom so much
I care for her so much
The only reason why I'm living is for her
I had been trying to pay her back
But she won't let me pay her back
I had made a business for her
To try to earn money for her
Yet, she wants me to keep it
I try and try to give it
Yet, she won't take it
Unless it's an emergency
You see

If you're reading this, Mom
If you're snooping through my notebook again, Mom
Just note that I love you so much
I care about you so much
I'm very grateful to you
Thank you for whatever you do
Even if I don't show it,
I love you
I will try anything to make your life better!
Nov 5 · 339
Nudes
Kai Nov 5
Nudes, that's what you wanted me to send you
I didn't want to disappoint, so I sent them to you
I was only 11-12
I looked as small as a elf
You were high
Yet, your parents nor did anyone bat an eye
You were 13
I was dating a teen
Who made me feel like looks were what only mattered
You made my life shattered
Even more than it was already
To face the treatment I received
I was deceived
I thought you were going to treat me nice
But all you handed me was a piece of ice
Covered in a sugar coating
But it was slowly rotting
Since day one
You were that someone
That I truly loved
You were that person that I trusted

Nudes were all you wanted
To ****, were all you wanted
I was scared - uncomfortable
So all I put on the table
Was a photo of my upper body without my shirt and only my bra
It made me uncomfortable with just my bra
Though, I didn't want to disappoint
I wish that I could've made a point
That I was still young
Way too young
To do that

I've realized I committed a crime
Without getting a single dime
Out of it
I hated every single second of it
All I wanted was to be loved
And all you wanted was me to be ******
By you
You wanted me to be underneath you

You ***** *******
I keep thinking about it
All the moments
On all months
How did I like someone like you?
Someone as perverted like you?
You're disgusting
You're revolting
You're so lucky I haven't told your mother about anything you did and said
Now that I think about it, I should tell her about all the things you did and said
Your actions can make your life a living hell
And I'll make it even worse than hell
I hope your life becomes shattered
Just like you shattered
Mine.
I hate it. This poem is about my perverted ex(again). He already knew I was going through a really bad episode, yet he continued to do that. He promised he'd stop, yet he didn't. I hate him.
Nov 4 · 226
Curse
Kai Nov 4
I'm your loyal dog
And you're my ruling God
I find it quite odd
It sends my brain into a bog
I can't stop following your orders
YOUR ORDERS
The curse, the spell you casted onto me to obey you
I'm your only servant
The loyal servant forced to be observant
I've been praying for you
Even if you treat me like trash
Even if you're the wind and I'm the ash

After a while, you grew tired of me
You abandoned me
You threw me away
Just so that way
You released that curse you placed on me
Just to be adopted by someone else
Just to get cursed by someone else
I barely got a break from all the abuse
From all the use
Yet, they thought I was so oblivious
Just like you thought I was so oblivious
They thought I was so cute - adorable, naïve, thoughts just like you
Why does everyone act like you?
My God?
It's so odd
I feel like I'm stuck in a time loop
Stuck in all the goop

I feel like I'm just a foot rest you can use
I feel like I'm just a puppet you can use
I feel like a young slave you can use
I'm over here working my *** off
Just so you can have work off
Just so you can have a vacation
While I live in caution
Scared of everything
Every single thing
A single curse that lasts forever. It's a curse that lasts for a long time. A tiresome curse I wish to end.
Oct 28 · 441
1 word
Kai Oct 28
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
Sorry. Please forgive me for everything wrong I've done. Please forgive me from my mistakes. I'm sorry.
Oct 25 · 141
Trust
Kai Oct 25
I don't know if I should trust you
It's true
You give me deja vu
You made me second guess myself
You made me question if I should tell you the truth about myself

You make me cautious about my words
Scared that I'll slip up my words
You make me think that life is a chess game
One wrong move and I lose the game
I got to move my pieces wisely
To not move my pieces truthfully
Oct 25 · 106
Dead
Kai Oct 25
It's lonely, but I'm okay with it
I want my hoodie strings back
I want my cords back
I ******* hate myself so much
Why won't I just jump off a cliff?
That would be so much better
People treat me like air, so why would they care?
Exactly
They won't
When will I get in therapy?
It's been so long
I want to be in therapy or in a mental hospital
It'll help me so much
I want to overdose, or suffocate myself
It would be such a pleasure
Seeing a burden like me die
Die and go to the pits of hell
Suicide awareness.
Oct 24 · 380
Drained
Kai Oct 24
People surround me
They have a different energy than me
They drain me
They make me mentally exhausted
Too exhausted
To the point where I want to lock myself up
To the point where I don't want to wake up

I'd rather rot in my bed
Just to not be called "Special Ed"
Just to not feel pain
Again
So I don't get hurt again
So I don't get shamed again
So I don't get drained again
So I don't have to be anymore insecure
So I can feel secure
While rotting away in my bed
While the depressive thoughts evacuate my head
Oct 22 · 320
Silenced
Kai Oct 22
I speak
Within a squeak
With others around me
So they can hear me
But they do not
Like, they forgot
That I existed
Like, I never coexisted
With them
Like, I'm speaking to a wall
If you're tired of me
Then just say that to me
I'll manage to change myself
Just so I can feel good about myself
Just for you,
Anything for you.
I'm so tired of being ignored and just listening to others. It's so tiring. I just want to isolate myself and take a break from everything. It makes me want to take a break from life forever.
Oct 19 · 186
All because of you
Kai Oct 19
You told me your name
Then played me into your game
You made me think that you loved me
But all you wanted was to **** me
Over
And over
And over again
Which brings me emotional pain
You gave me your hints
You even told me your hints
I decided not to be open-eared
And you because the person I feared

You only liked me because of my body and part of my personality
You just made it seem like you just wanted my speciality
I should've avoided you
I should've cut all connections with you
From you ******* someone
To impregnating and abandoning that someone
I should've known the signs were bad
But I couldn't because you were sad

Everything went downhill after that
I was flat
Dull
Within a bull
I always had to comfort you when you were the one supposed to comfort me
Your hands were leeched onto me
I couldn't get a second without you
Every single second felt like I was forced to talk to you
You always made me so tired
So drained
I couldn't even talk to my friends because of how drained I was
All because,
Of you
I was getting so mentally sick because of you
To the point of getting the rope
Hoping you wouldn't ****
Me in the after life

We were only so young
Your words only stung
I was only eleven
You were thirteen
It was too young to get exposed to mature topics
Too mature topics

I'm glad we don't talk anymore
Now I don't have to suffer anymore
I hope no one else has to suffer because of you
Only because of you
Oct 16 · 191
I feel so empty
Kai Oct 16
I feel so empty
Nothing is real
People say it's not that big of a deal
But it is
It's something you cannot miss
It lives with me everyday
It feels like a fever dream everyday
It's hard to live with
People may think it's a myth
It's really not
It's just like a knot
It's annoying
It's overwhelming

It often makes me wanna cry
But sometimes makes me want to die
It often leaves me questioning if life is real or not
It makes my brain form into a knot
It's so confusing
It's so overwhelming
I can never ground myself
I don't know how to cope with myself

The "fever dream" makes life so cloudy
It almost makes me look lousy, or drowsy
It makes me think if I'm high or drunk
Or if my body was in a trunk
It's like I have a 0.5x filter constantly running
It feels like after I got done hyperventilating

Is this a poor way of my body coping?
From all the groping?
From all the manipulation?
From all the exploitation?
I'm so tired of this fever dream. Why can't I wake up?
Oct 15 · 436
Used
Kai Oct 15
I'm not a mere object you can use
I'm not a mere puppet you can use
I'm tired of this
I'm tired of getting used like this
Like I'm everyone's slave
People think that they can get away with treating me like a slave,
Because they can
People think they can use me, then discard me,
Because they can
Why can't people see?
Why can't parents teach their children to act better?
Why can't parents teach their children to write a letter?
To all of the other kids that their child has harmed
To all of the other kids that their child has used

It isn't fun being used
It feels like hell being used

Day by day,
May to May,
Year to year,
Tears turn into fear,
Fear of getting used again
Fear turns into pain,
Emotional pain from being used turns into trust issues
This is kind of like the poem "Advantage", a poem I made. I just had the random idea to vent my trauma again into a poem so.... 🤭
Oct 13 · 436
Advantage
Kai Oct 13
I trusted you ever since we met
You even made me in debt
You took advantage of me,
You stabbed me,
But I couldn't see
I was only so oblivious
I am still so oblivious
I acknowledge it,
But I don't care about it

I was only six years old
I wasn't old-
Enough to learn that you-
Were taking advantage of me
I couldn't see-
The knife you-
Stabbed into me until you disappeared
I wasn't open-eared
I couldn't hear,
Until a clone of you came along
It's been so long
Since I heard
I can hear now,
I can trust you now

The cycle just repeats;
Day by day,
Bay to bay.
This is just about people who come in my life just to take advantage of me

There's no ending to it. There's no ending to their endless manipulation and how much they take advantage of me. Please make it stop.
Oct 13 · 372
Childhood Trauma
Kai Oct 13
I felt like I was robbed
Stabbed
Ever since I was eight
When I ate
And felt good
About my childhood
So carefree
So bother free
I was robbed
And stabbed
In the back
With a pitchfork

Now, I'm dealing with injuries
Heart injuries
That never gets better
Only poorer
As days go by
And fly by
It gets more tiring
And damaging
To move
To make a move
Oct 13 · 356
Cage
Kai Oct 13
I despise this species
I envy this species
How they can fly high
Fly high in the sky
They seem so free
Why can't I be like thee?

I'm a bird trapped inside a small cage
Waiting to get out
Society's standards are like the cage
I can't bend them or else others will not like me
But if I do bend thee
I'll get a taste of freedom
With sour consequences on the side
The rules I have to abide
Now I'm stuck in between the lines of the cage
Where they bind
My freedom
As I watch other birds
Fly high in the air
Without a care

— The End —