i keep trying to write about how i dont feel right without you, but now im crying in class and none of the words seem to get the point across that you were the best thing to ever happen to me and i miss you more than i ever thought i would and all these words are as ****** as i feel

s.s

darling, you don't miss me
you miss the attention

s.s

i wish i could pick up the pieces
of this broken bond we've built
and mold them together
in a way that would leave it invincible
to the battles it has yet to fight
and the people who try to tear it apart

because i want to fix it
this chaotic mess we've created
to prove
that love is a glue
strong enough to fix these broken hearts
and leave them with the power to fight off any disbelievers

but here i sit
in the ruins of us
and i'm searching for a starting point
but all i manage to see
is what could have been
and i don't know how to fix
a puzzle with missing pieces

s.s

love is the moon

it is the one thing that stands out
among a million stars
just the way the ones you love
steal attention from anything else

it can light the darkness
but always has a dark side
a side no one wants to see
but is always present

it controls everything
the minds, hearts, and seas
and is has an undeniable pull
like gravity on everyone

it is stunning and devastating
toxic and otherworldly
and we always give it our attention
just as we would to a full moon in the sky

sometimes it slips away
dipping below the horizon
or being eclipsed from sight
but it is still there, just out of reach

sometimes it seems bigger
closer and brighter
more captivating and enticing than before
but it can still be covered by cloudy days at any moment

love is the moon

beat with craters
though still shining bright
and we all have stardust
running through our veins  


s.s

muscles sore
from the day before
an ache you adore
wanting more

s.s

you love my younger sister
more than me
and make no attempt to hide it
but i don't mind
because i love my father
more than you
and make no attempt to hide it

i've spent so long trying to please you
but it is never good enough
and i love you because i have to

i am tired of being ridiculed
oppressed and frowned upon
to the point where
when i think of all the awful things about myself
your voice is the first in my head

i dont care if you dont like me
if i disappoint you
if im not good enough for you
because i have plenty of people in my life
that i am enough for
i don't need your approval
and i don't need to fear you

so you can keep drinking
keep losing your sanity over simple things
keep being the bipolar ***** you've become
but my sister will keep hating you
and she will tell me how awful you make her feel
i will keep being the one there to fix what you break
and your husband will keep talking to me
rather than you
about the stress and problems he's facing
and how he can't even sleep at night because life is overwhelming
and i'll keep listening
and paying more attention to what he says than you do

motherhood is a special thing
i won't **** it up when i get there
i won't be like you

s.s

she painted red murals
of beauty and grace
of lovers in bed
in faultless embrace

she crafted these masterpieces
with red poured from skin
to show how misery ceases
when you pull beauty from within

s.s

giving someone your best
and it still not being good enough
feels like surrendering your universe
along with everything you have
for them only to see a dead star
and empty space

s.s

you did nothing wrong

i broke my own heart
in believing
you’d be different this time
that you cared enough
to stay

s.s

natural therapy
light breezes calm somber souls
remedy roses

s.s

she bit down on her lip
and the taste of blood filled her mouth
yet she didn't mind
because it was the farthest thing from sweet
as he always tasted

s.s

i want to sleep but not wake up
because it's seems whenever i find sleep
i also find you

because when i first wake up
some part of me half expects you to be there
so when i roll over i can pull you in
and it will feel like home

but then it hits me
that when i roll over
i will only be greeted by an empty bed
and the only things i can pull in are my knees to my chest
and i will be home but it will feel foreign

so i want to sleep
sleep but please not wake up

s.s

people change everyday
so i vow to fall in love with you
every time the sun rises

s.s

she kept dreaming
of him breaking
nightmares plaguing
wake up shaking

****** body on red pavement
or holes in the wall
frustration dwelling anger burning
all ended with a call

him saying "i need you"
wishing her to be there
but she never showed up
he'd hang up with "you don't care"

she heard all of it
through a broken voice
but in each dream she couldn't move
she would if it were her choice

she just sat and pictured him alone
where she should be by his side
over and over letting him down
her presence she did not provide

s.s

he’s so much more than meets the eye
he’s the scars on his body and how he will tell you the story of where they came from a million times
he’s his clammy hands and the way he will hold yours against his chest and grin when you keep it there
he’s the way he brushes your hair behind your shoulder as you speak
he’s his contagious laugh and how his eyes squint at the corners or the dimples in his cheeks
he’s his tight hugs and on his really good days the way he picks you up in his grasp
he’s his adventurous nature and the way his company makes you feel alive and at home all at once
but he’s also the way he shuts you out when he hurts you because he can’t face the fact that he did
he’s he fits of jealousy and how ridiculously he can act
he’s his urge to numb himself and his hate for life because he thinks it’s so pointless
he’s his bad days where you sit on the phone reminding him that he’s worth more than he puts himself through
he’s his snap decisions where he doesn’t think of the consequences of anything he does
he’s all of this and more
he’s intelligent
kind
handsome
reckless
amusing
good hearted
passionate
he’s perfect in his own way and i was in love with him
my god, i was so in love with him
still am really
but i can’t be anymore
two years later and i have to let him go
because i still have the small hope that i might get him back
that it wasn’t all for nothing
we feel unfinished, but maybe that’s just how some things end
i know i would go back to him at the drop of a dime because he was my everything and i miss him so much my chest aches
but i suppose some people just weren’t meant to be
i never fell out of love, i just accepted he wasn’t in it anymore and let it go
so this is the last time i will write about him even though as i finish this there’s so much more i could say
we might have been a mess
complete chaos really
but he made me feel safe and loved and important
i would never be able to thank him for all he’s done for me and how he’s helped me grow
even with the **** he put me through i always forgave and defended him, or tried to, because that was my boy and i loved him
he’s the best first love i could have asked for
he’s one of my best friends
he’s one of the best people i know
and he’s going to do amazing things in life and grow to be an amazing man

i was told
to make my body
my home
so i painted
embarrassment
on the walls
and hung
hate
from the ceilings
i am uncomfortable
in this home
and the image i see
saddens me
because this home
is messy
and the other girls
are pristine

s.s

all her friends
spoke of break ups
where they now hate
their ex lovers
but she couldn't hate him
he never did anything wrong
he was good to her
he wasn't at fault
she couldn't even be mad at him
just wished him the best
it's what he deserves

s.s

i. when you're no longer excited to see them and the butterflies don't make an appearance, instead you feel empty

ii. when their flaws are no longer perfect, they're just that; flaws 

iii. when a future with them is no longer in your plans, it's just a silly thought you laugh at, something long gone

iv. when you no longer dream of them, but they might creep into your nightmares

v. when the space with them no longer feels comfortable, it feels like secrets are hiding, waiting to fall out

s.s

i am yours
until my heart
forgets your name
i am yours

s.s

it hurts the most
knowing he might still care
but not enough
to fight for what's there

s.s

i sat there
and asked myself
why it hurt so much
and the only answer
i could find
was because
i loved that boy
but couldn't make him mine

s.s

your words are locked in your lungs
mixing with *** smoke
but never being exhaled

and your lips are locked shut
except when they're being parted
by some other girl's tongue

so i don't know how to talk to you anymore
because nothing real seems to come out
and you just can not communicate

s.s

i kind of like the hurting
because it makes me feel something
other than numb
but god
oh god
i would so much rather
feel the life
that happiness brings

s.s

"i was done with her by then"

when i read that
i felt my ribs crack as my insides folded in on themselves
11:57
i can't fall asleep because those words are on repeat in my head
and i missed my 11:11 wish
but all i would have asked for is to have worth pumped into my veins to replace the empty feeling
i look at myself in the mirror over the flame of my lighter and almost understand why you did it
i am soft
the puffy skin around tired eyes welcoming like fresh soil
the curves and dips of my body
the waterfall of ***** blonde at my shoulders
the shaking lips that whispered i love you with such sincerity
everything about me is soft
especially my heart
so why wouldn't you use me
why wouldn't you lie
right into my eyes because you knew they believed every syllable
kissed my lips to feel alive because you knew every time they would melt
brushed my hair back and traced my body because you knew i was fragile and nothing would stop me from falling
i am soft and i trusted you
so why wouldn't you feed me the lies of what i crave
sprinkle i love yous down on my being
fool me into feeling special
it was easy for you wasn't it
it was fun to have me fall knowing you did not care one bit
knowing you were lying every time you said you did
you probably enjoyed watching me crash because it gave you power
and you knew i was nothing but something to cure your loneliness and get you off
but, my love
i will be so much more and you will regret making me your object
i am worth much more than that
i am sorry you could never see that

s.s

him and i
love
like the sun in the sky

one moment we rise up
in colors so stunning
you can’t peel your eyes away

one moment we sink down
below the horizon
creating endless darkness

over and over
we are a cycle
of light
and the lack of it

we will either chase the sun
around the globe
to never see it set
or watch it explode
a dying star
and give in to a dark end

s.s

one night
my words
brought you to me
so i will spit stanzas
under the stars
hoping
to draw you in
once again

s.s

flipping pennies
into wishing wells
i still hope
for you

s.s

one day
the clear, endless water
will no longer remind me of you
because you do not deserve that
you are more raging seas
than calm ocean
when i look at you
i should feel the danger
of rough surf
rather than enticement
and the pull of the tides
i will break away
because i know
what a storm like you causes
a destruction
i am still recovering from

s.s

lose sleep
for the people i love
but lay restless
with no one to speak with

s.s

just be open and honest
that's what you've always told me
but little did i know
it had to be the truth you wanted to hear
or it still would never be good enough

s.s

what do you do when you can't do anything right
when you try so hard to be that flawless being
that one person everyone adores
but you only seem to mess everything up
and hurt people you love

what do you do
when the one thing you want
is so unattainable
and your passions in life
are too unrealistic

what do you do
when you only let people down
like a setting sun that never rises
like a shot just shy of the target

what do you do when you are close
but never quite there
always just a second choice
never the priority
because i can't do it anymore
and there only seems to be one option
out

s.s

that feeling
when you're driving down the interstate
at a hundred miles per hour
and you're staring out the car window
trying to focus on one object
flying by your vision
but you can't
because it's all going to fast
and your eyes only glitch
unable to grasp stability
and everything is blurred
through speed and tears
while your heart rate escalates
with the cars momentum

that feeling
is the state my mind is in
grasping at everything
yet unable to hold on to anything
frantic and in shambles

s.s

it's pathetic
when your eldest child
must be watched
by your youngest
only because
they kept the truth
bottled up
and sent it out to sea

s.s

he asked her over dinner
"have you ever been in love"

she smiled into the bottom of her empty wine glass
"i have
          and it killed me"

s.s

i care about you
more than i can put into words
and it's awful
knowing i am no longer yours
but i'll keep writing ****** poems
and smiling when i see you
because deep down inside
i still hope you miss me too
because you seem to solve all my problems
but their problems that you've created
so i am forever confused
thinking this love is overstated

s.s

2:00 am
you feel it coming
creeping up
try to ignore it
but it's making an appearance

2:11 am
can't close your eyes
like the surrounding darkness
has them pinned open
heart rate accelerates
for no reason

2:16 am
can't breathe
like your lungs are collapsing
crushing your heart
causing an aching heavy chest
you keep trying to stay calm

2:21 am
frantic
shaking and shaking
both your body and breaths
rocking back and forth
clutching knees
stomach
chest
holding yourself in attempt to steady your insides

2:29 am
tears fall
as panicked eyes search the room
looking for something to slow the chaos
but the thoughts march on
with the rushing blood in your veins

2:34 am
now up and pacing
collapsing on the floor
screaming through sobs
gripping hair
hitting walls
uncontrollable

2:48 am
blacking out
from lack of oxygen
****** knuckles and bruised skin
from punching anything
to release the built up energy
boiling within

2:55 am
slowed breathing
heart still racing
softly crying
confused on why
this seems to happen
why

3:00 am
sleeping far from soundly
heart still racing
exhausted from a fight
anxiety attacks
at any moment
you lose control

drugs drugs all the time
masking what you can't unwind
only masking

s.s

in a parallel universe
you never broke me
and you still speak of me
with love on your tongue

in a parallel universe
your eyes still drip with desire
begging for me to come closer
rather than never even looking my way

in a parallel universe
you still love me
as much
as i still love you

in a parallel universe
is where my heart lives
and maybe that's why i'm not over you
because in some world i still hold your heart

and in all worlds you still hold mine

s.s

i'm tired of writing
or tired of living

either way
nothing sounds right
fits right
feels right

it's all
choppy sentences
choppy breaths
all not good enough
all just a mess

s.s

perhaps
we always drift together
because our hearts
know more
than our minds

s.s

i will stay single
until i find the one
whose company
feels comfortable
like i can speak my mind
and they will listen with eager ears
the one
who rather be in my heart
than my pants
the one
whose laugh
sounds like all my favorite songs
the one
who makes me believe in love again
who is all the good i had and more
i will stay single
until i cross paths with this person
because i will not waste
my golden heart
on someone
who only intends to break it

s.s

you told me you were tired of living

i couldn't help but picture you
sitting on the edge of your bed
glaring at the bottom of a trash can
wishing you could throw up your last breath
rather than feel the nausea of a steady beating heart

i pictured you
hugging your knees on the bathroom floor
hands grabbing your mouth and chest
begging for both to stop moving
as tears leak out of red eyes in steady streams

i pictured you
wide awake as the hours steadily march towards sunrise
unable to move because the world kept you pinned to the floor
and you watch the clock tick and tick
feeling as though every minute was just another wasted

i pictured you
hurting in a way you couldn't bear
and i want to grab you and hold you
until the very sadness that makes you feel this way
seeps into my skin just so you can breathe

i can't help but picture you this way
because it is the way i was when i told you those very words
that i was tired of living
so i will do anything to make sure you never feel that way
and i will do anything to protect you from hurting

s.s

don't forget me
p l e a s e

s.s

please
please tell me
when you move on
tell me you don't love me
please
so i can stop picturing
you calling me
kissing me
holding me
telling me you made a mistake
that you messed up again
please
please tell me
when you do
so i can move on too

s.s

poets
will make you see heartache in beauty
and love in disaster
they will make you feel
you will stare into a sunset
and feel your heart break
but grin and giggle
at the pouring down rain

s.s

welcome, welcome
to the poets parade
please join us now
and never be afraid
we welcome you
to march your words
across the screens of hundreds
to make your thoughts heard
we will stand with you
through thick and thin
and we promise to make sure
you don't feel alone again
we will be with you
through the good and the bad
and help you create art
out of the experiences you've had
yes welcome, welcome
to the poets parade
please join us now
and never be afraid

s.s.

your kiss was sweet like honey
and as electric as open wires
now his lips
taste like toxins on my tongue
poisons with no spark

s.s

he helped build her confidence
like roman architecture
awe worthy and unwavering
then he left
but she knew
she was not worth any less
just as the ruins of pompeii
are still admired
and the colosseum
still stands tall
even if broken
they are still beautiful
so even through
she feels broken
she knows
she is still beautiful

numb and floating high
searching for another
these are my happy pills
my best and only lover

s.s

grip me up
kiss me love
hard
off guard
i'm giving up

giving in
with every touch
my head spins
almost too much

then melt
your tongue
with mine
running hands
across my spine

and slow it down
savor the feeling
stop time
send my mind reeling

hand through hair
kisses trailing
skin left bare

pull me in
hold me tight
grab what's yours
and you are mine

s.s