I'm an addict,
I can't go a day without it,
It just makes me feel so special,
They say once you start you can get help:
Rehab

But I don't want to be cured,
I love this feeling.
With every breath i inhale i can feel the drug taking over,
Yes, I am aware of the consequences,
But i am more afraid of losing it.

This intense feeling of pleasure makes me want more.
We live in a chaotic world of emotional despair,
I'm fearful of being alone and rejected.
That's why i will never stop having you,
Your love is my drug.


                                                                                                Jonesy  ©

I was taught that drugs are bad,
I was taught to stay away,
To never try them,
Not even once
For drugs would dim my light.


I should never sacrifice  my smile,
Especially  for a temporary  high,
When I met you,
I strayed away,
I took a hit
And it's never been the same.


I must have been injected you,
In my thickest vein,
My lungs must have  inhaled you,
And it reached my brain,
My senses are now your slaves.


I seem to relapse every given  day,
Because within me,
Like addiction
I cannot break from,
Every practice  of you,
Has mixed with my blood,
Every artery of mine
Pumps your love.

You have me addicted.

                                                      ­                                   Jonesy 2016 ©

To whom it may concern,

You seem to be having a blast with my voodoo doll, just making out these terrible situations for me; sitting there and plotting the best way to f me over. I think to myself there's no way I'll let you get to me not today, but you always have the last say.

So I decided today was the day I wrote a letter to my Saboteur.

Hopefully now you'll stop getting in my head telling me I ain't worth it,
That boy will never love you don't you ever understand it.
I try and try to ignore you
Tell me about all my flaws
How I never do anything right
"How do you keep looking at yourself, you're such an eye sore"

Today I decided to write a letter to my Saboteur.

These letters seem to be working, you haven't sabotage me recently.
No more shady moments
No more feeling bad.
Its been a few days now since I last heard from my saboteur but that's only because I stopped listening to myself.

©Jonesy2019

Sometimes we reach our limits,
Sometimes we crack under pressure,
Sometimes we can't stay to bare the pain'
We lose the power to fight it.
Consequences of holding your thought on the inside.

In a house full of family, We don't belong
In a school full of friends we can't relate,
In a world full of people choose to be alone,
Consequences of being antisocial

                                                     ­                             Jonesy 2016 ©

I need someone that could help me out,
I need someone that will treat me like the queen i know i am,
I need someone that will understand all the flaws i have,
Well at least once.

I wish that i could be pretty too,
Like those other girls that have their lives figure out here, there, and through,
I wish that i was like the girl who knew her self worth,
Well at least once.

I wish i wasn't misunderstood,
I wish i wasn't so awkward,
I wish i could express myself better,
I wish i was accepted by my peers,
Well at least once.

I know that i could soar high in the sky,
Yes i will like a bird that was meant to fly,
I will conquer everything in sight,
With all my might,
Well at least once.

When those moments come show that you are brave,
And that you are a fighter,
Because these opportunities come.......
At least once.

                                                          ­                                 Jonesy 2016©

Back then,
I was strong,
So confident,
But now I don't even know what that means,
Had good self-esteem,
But not egotistically,
I would use it to help girls just like me.

Guys would say hey,
And I would say hi,
Then they say you're full of beauty,
But then i don't know,
If they're looking at my hair,
Looking at me,
Or maybe its just the clothes i wear,
Back then.

All the confidence,
All the esteem,
But now this is me,
Non-egotistically ,
Back then.

                                                          ­                          Jonesy 2016©

Beauty,
Beauty isn't skin deep,
Its what one see on the inside.
It's the personality,
Your attitude,
Its what speaks for you when your appearance fails you.

Now, Attractiveness,
That's a different story
That's just how you look,
Its the quality of your body that causes an interest or desire among people,
That isn't beauty.

                                                        ­                                Jonesy 2016©

How am i?
You want the truth?
I'm broken
Not the type you get when you didn't get your way so you're slightly disappointed. I'm heart broken. My heart is aching deep inside my chest, it trembles because it's now coming to terms with what my brain already knows.
How am i?
I am in pain ...
I have alot of physical ailments but nothing, nothing at all compares to crying yourself to sleep, waking up from sleeping crying, going through your day crying. I've cried for 3 days now.
How am i?
I'm trying to be strong.
Why?  I know if you knew how I really feel you'll be devastated so I lie, I tell you I'm doing okay, I'm great, fantastic...while  having..tears on my cheeks....so you can focus on you. I went to school trying to hide my tears but then I saw my friend and I broke down. I actually gripped at my heart and I told her it hurts soooo bad. My heart was beating like normal but yet it hurt so bad. I cried so much that I accepted it, class mates passed me and asked "Are you ok?" I said "I'm great, ignore the tears I have allergies".
How am i?
I'm hurt.
So so so so so so hurt. You wanted to stop hurting me so much that you decided to break my heart instead. I hate you for that.  You promised me you wouldn't break my heart. Then why am I crying everyday, why does my heart ache, why am I not eating....why am I in such pain.....why do I feel so.... empty.
How am I?
I don't know.
I'm so many things yet nothing all at once.
I wouldn't wish heart break on an enemy if I had any.
It's painful...no one deserves to feel like they're nothing,...
No one deserves to feel broken.




                                                     ­               Jonesy 2020 (c)

I know you are the love of my life,
And i know you mean alot to me,
But those words will be the last that you use as your knife,
Even though i am the one who's going to be cutting you out.

You use my affection as an excuse to do what you want,
And back then,
I let you.
You used my flaws,
As your weapon against me,
Your words cut deep like a knife,
Even though i am the one who's cutting you,
Out.

I won't lie have made mistakes too,
I have hated and beat myself down for that,
That hurt.
I regret it.
But I'm only human.
You threw it back in my face every time we got in an argument,
Then have the audacity to tell me i always bring up the past.
You made me feel worse than i already felt,
Even if i was afraid to tell you the truth of the matter,
Can't explain,
Can't express,
I'm cutting you out.

I know when someone doesn't care,
They say the things you do,
They act the way you do.
But yet i forgave you.
I guess love is stupid,
No, I'm stupid.
I have to cut you out.

You think everything i do is drama,
Foolishness,
Petty,
Not worth it.
I'm replaceable.
Not important.
Waste of space.
My emotions mean nothing,
"Yeah that's what you do best, go write a poem!''
I'm cutting you out.

I need you out of my system,
Out of my head,
No
Get out of my heart,
I know you don't belong there,
Anymore.
I'll cut you,
Out.

I don't love you,
I hate you,
No wait i love you,
I don't hate you,
****,
Heart would you make up your "mind",
"Doesn't matter",
As you said,
Cut you out.

I know,
You're right,
Matter of fact,
I always do things wrong,
I cry on the inside,
While maintaining a perfect smile on the outside.
Sometimes with all these mixed emotions,
I forget who i am,
"Are you Miss. Jones?"
"No "
"I'm Miss.Understood."
For my sake,
I have to cut you out.

I don't like giving up on others,
But you made me give up on myself:
Disappointed in myself,
Thought i made your heart go "tick tock,''
Reality is,
I wasn't even worth your time.
As the clock ticks away,
I will cut you out.


                                                                                      Jonesy 2016 ©

I was here for three years now,
But it feels like a decade.
This place is filled of pity,
Flaws,
Insecurities,
Lies,
And a trapped little girl;
Her heart and mind are her only cell mates,
While her emotions are the officers who held her captive.

One day she got out,
And she felt free,
With her heart and mind,
Hand in hand,
She didn't want to go back to that cold, dark place,
Where no one understood her;
Free.

But sadly once a week that little girl goes back to that cold, dark place,
Its not her fault,
People laugh at her in the real world too.
The prison is no different.
At least she isn't judged there,
Cause no one knows how she feels on the inside.


                                                                                     Jonesy 2016 ©

Dear Conscience,

Lately I was at war with myself,
What's wrong?
What's right?
My brain contradicts what my heart wants.
I know it isn't right, but it never seems wrong.

Conscience, I know I don't deserve your advice but ......
What do I do?
I want him to stay
But you say its best if he go.
You say to make yourself happy
But I rather stay with him and be miserable.

Conscience please forgive me
Cause I cant let him go

                                                             ­                                      Jonesy 2016  ©

As I sat there contemplating...
I realized I was not as important to him as he was to me.
            
Jonesy 2019©

Each day is different,
Even though they all seem the same.
Everyday we make a different but yet an identical choice,
Which will always affect the other choices we make.

Day by day,
We grow, we become wiser,
No.
We become more aware of the consequences of our choices,
We learn from our passed experiences.

The days passing by now,
All seem to be the same,
Or is it because I am the same,
I have done it all,
Lived it all,
But yet i have a lot more consequences to go through.
Yes, some more choices to be  made,
All i have to do now is observe how i live,
Day By Day.


                                                          ­                                      Jonesy 2016 ©

I promise to cherish you,
To treat you right,
To cherish your presence like it was your last gift to me,
To consider your feelings in everything I do,
To make you believe that you chose the right person to confide in.

Dear future love,
I will always try my best to be there when you need me the most,
I will be the light that brightens your days,
I will be that shoulder to cry on, on your rainy days,
I'll be that rare exotic black rose in your bouquet of pink roses;
I'll love you.

                                                        
                                                                ­                    Jonesy 2016 ©

Pretty hair, pretty eyes, pretty face with pretty lies.
No one knows the pain,
They say us as young ones can't experience pain,
But they don't know,
Everyday is a struggle,
Shedding invisible tears,
Well at least those i can't hold back anymore.

It's hard enough already living life without knowing who you are,
But even harder lying to yourself about it.
I swear one day i will cry without stopping,
Or maybe it's too late for that now.

Everyday i come around friends,
Smiling, it's a fixed expression.
I go home and sing the pain away or make a poem,
Without talking about the pain.


                                                         ­                                 Jonesy  ©

The morning shines;
The night gloom.
You lust me, I love you
Caterpillars crawl, Butterflies fly,
I give you me but you make me cry.

Girls are  sweet supposed candy,
Boys love that:
Girls, when they are sweet and dandy.

Tell me why i feel better when i am alone,
Oh yeah,
You can't hurt me when i am alone,
At least, not physically,
I mean i think of you all the time.

Even though the morning has the sun,
The night always have the stars.
Even if the caterpillar crawls,
He's going to fly some day,
He's going to fly the differences away.

                                                          ­                                           Jonesy  2016©

Today and yesterday were the same,
People acted like animals who can't be tamed
So i decided to walk away,
Drama is too much,
I can't stand for it a next day.

These emotional series of circumstances just get to me,
I wonder why people can't get along and let things be.
No, this isn't a play for theater or television,
Shakespeare has nothing to do with this.
Yet to be social this is my vision,
But is living without being too social too much of a risk?

                                                          ­                                      Jonesy 2016©

Every day i wake up wondering if I'll ever be the same person i was the day before,
When i first met you I let all my doubt and pains float away
But instead you left my heart shattered like broken glass on the floor.
Why don't i ever learn?
I was too emotional i felt all the pain,
Until i couldn't feel it anymore
No its not your fault..It's mine
I was too emotional,
So now
I'll be emotionless
No more pains
No more tears
No more sorrows
There won't be any feelings there for you to shatter like window panes.
I won't be human I'll be something else
I'll become numb.
So emotionless.

                                                                                            Jonesy  ©

I don't usually grow under harsh conditions,
It takes a while for my seed to sprout.
But he was a gentleman
And he watered me everyday.
He believed in my growth
Although he himself did not know how to grow.

I don't usually grow under harsh conditions,
But in this cruel world I'm beginning to sprout,
Gentle this creature was
He made sure he  gave me sun every day
For he wanted me to grow.

I don't usually grow under harsh conditions,
But today I finally sprout.
I'm glad I can now sustain him
Now it is my turn to believe in him
He can finally enjoy my fragrance and the beauty in my petals.
I can now help you to grow too
Just like you have shown me.

We don't usually grow under harsh conditions,
But I'm here now
Bobbing my head, dancing to the wind.
Showing you that with patience anything is possible.
Let me show you how to grow under these harsh conditions.
©jonesy2019

"I have a hole in my heart."
Those were the first words he ever said to me,
As he tried expressing his feelings towards me.

"I have a hole in my heart."
Of course these words had meaning
Such feelings.
I could not say how I felt after that,
But my emotions cried a river.

"I have a hole in my heart."
I watched him clutch his heart,
Saw him moan in pain,
As his heart's depression finally gave in.

"He has a hole in his heart. "
When he told me this I never thought he meant literally,
Only emotionally,
A soft spot for me.

What am I supposed to do to help this boy
Who has a hole in his heart.


                                       Jonesy 2018 ©

I am not afraid to say,
I cry every night,
To make my pain go away,
And even though I try not to with all my might,
its a ritual I perform every day.

I am not afraid to tell you,
That I can be confusing,
Its not my fault I swear,
But I do try my best to explain,
But my emotions just go through one ear.

I am not afraid to tell you,
I have insecurities,
People tell me every day I am attractive but they see my clothes and my body.

I am not afraid to tell you,
That the world is a dangerous place,
Physically and mentally,
I know we can save it,
But we needn't be afraid.

                      Jonesy 2016©

Iron Hearts are beautiful,
Even though they are many,
They are unique.

They are magical because
They know what its like to be broken.

Iron Hearts have power and experience on their side.
Sure when we say we have iron hearts,
Doesn't mean our hearts are made of iron,
It means we protect our heart.

Upon wonder I ask myself why is there a sword going through the heart,
Then it hits me :It means that we are not " immune from soars",
Matter of fact the sword represents pain,
But the sword also gives us another chance to live life,
And give your heart another go.

"I love you"
Sure its three words that put us in trouble,
But yet we want to hear it;

They say hearts are meant to be broken, torn, and shattered,
Like its nothing.
Well the heart can be healed just not as fast as it can be broken.

Love, privileges and choices are made every day by all hearts,
But Stay Strong !
We are the iron hearts of the future.


                                                                                          Jonesy  ©

Love, Deaths, and Depressions,
We as human beings only survive through it,
Praying, Hoping, we'll get through it.
You only see the grey clouds in the sky,
Cause you no longer look for the sun.
It gets better.

You feel it,
Can't express it
But it hurts you deep inside.
They say you're confusing and dismiss your feelings,
That feeling you can't explain.
It gets better.

Have you ever felt so much pain,
That you felt nothing anymore,
You have been immune from pain.
But yet you cry,
When you think of the pain,
Emotional,
No,
Emotionless,
There's a thin line.
It gets better.

                                                        ­                                   Jonesy 2016©

I feel like my mental health is deteriorating.
I've been more absent minded than before;
Like a ghost of my former self.

Tell me what I should do..... What I can do?
I feel so far from you
Its hard to believe that we are the same person.
I look in the mirror and can't even recognize you.

Shakespeare said "The world is a stage and we are all the actors"
So why do I feel like an understudy...
Of my own life.

But I get it now,
You just need to live a little.
Do things you never would have done
You're young.
Experience life a little

You were a child place into the role of an adult, too soon.
Your childhood was stripped from you like an animal being stripped from life.

It took you a while to realise it,
But you've got it now.
You're okay
You will be okay.
I believe in you.


Yours Truly,
Jonesy

She's beautiful,
In her silky, midnight fur
Sitting howling at the moon.

No, you would never believe she's independent,
A huntress of the night.
The monsters fear her,
But other wolves adore her bravery.

She was not egotistic,
For she knew her strength as a lone Wolf will never overcome the strength of a wolf pack.
As independent and as brave as you are,
You will never be as strong as you would be with the pack.

Its better and more fun to be with a pack of wolves that care about you even as a lone Wolf.

The full moon glows,
Night is at its peak
And she howls as her pack sleeps.

The lone wolf observes the ocean's waters in tranquility,
All she needs is the love of her pack.

                                                                                                   Jonesy  ©

In life even if we do have friends and family we still feel alone,
Its a normal feeling one feels from time to time.
Have you ever had that feeling that you just don't belong
Even if you do fit in,
Like there is something missing.

Society supposedly changes a person,
But, society is a group of people doing their own thing,
Amazing,
A person or a group of people can change a person,
But yet one can't change himself,
Unless he really tries.

Sometimes its better to just slow down,
And realize that you shouldn't try to be someone your not,
Are you'll be lost.
Don't worry if you will be judged,
Chances are you'll be judged anyway.

                                                        ­                                      Jonesy 2016©

No I'm not appointing blame,
My origins will never change,
But what was there for an eight year old to do.
I never felt wanted again after I was born,
There was a huge void in my spirit
My dad married and it seemed like he forgot about me,
I felt like I was scorn.
I was never helped with homework;
I became a novice
Never understood Maths, English or any prerequisites.

A mistake.
Yeah I get it.
But at least don't treat me like it.... Please.
My teacher (God rest her soul) took me under her wing,
Helped me with maths,religious education and English.
I slowly understood what I was missing:
Love, joy, sympathy and a family.
This quickly ended when she died though,
And that void came back.

I never saw my dad.
I might have slowly forgotten his features.
But that didn't bother me I was only ten by then,
And I was coming into myself:
I suffered depression and insecurities.
Many a day I would bury my head in a book
Not because I wanted to,
But because I wanted to make myself scarce so I could escape the hardships of my dysfunctional family.

Maybe reading was a good thing,
I reassured myself as I read through the encyclopedias in my small library;
Deciding that I'll read my problems away.
Mom was never around,
And daddy had a new family.
I'll just read the problems away.

I felt unwanted.
Mummy started going out every night,
At this time I had a five year old sister;
Of course mom hardly spent time with her.
I babysat her while missing homework assignments I never got helped with.
Because mummy went out every night.
Sometimes she came home
Sometimes she didnt
A fire kindled in my spirit made of anger
How could a mother do this to her young daughters.

Jonesy 2019 ©

As the sun shines,
All of creation rejoice.
As the trees sway,
All of its residents sing and tweet in harmony.

As the rivers flow in tranquility,
All of the sea creatures swim in their beauty,
As the coral reefs provide a shelter,
A home,
For the creatures of the deep.

For Mother nature is one of the greatest gifts,
The trees, the animals, the open ocean,
Are all hers,
But yet she doesn't use them to abuse us,
Instead she lets us observe them,
Admire them,
And yet we still
destroy them.

                                    Jonesy 2016 ©

Growing up as a child and a young teen was not the best,
The memories up to this day traumatize me:
I always remember the bad ones and never the rest.
Now don't take this as a sob story I don't take well to pity,
Just give me a few minutes to dwell
On a childhood that was anything but well.

It was the 29th day of March,
A long and eerie night
A miscarriage was near in sight
The doctor told her:
Its very possible that you will lose your baby
After hours of pain and blood loss
Came a bundle of joy with "cat eyes" that brought light to all a young mother's flaws.
It was a miracle.
"Its a baby girl, woah look at those eyes they are almost bioluminescent in the dark"
Parents could never be so proud to bring such a beautiful creature to the world.
"I wish all the best, to this little girl"

Life was great
But I wasn't truly welcomed
Some people my existence upset.
But as a baby and toddler, it was great all I had to do was breastfeed, cry and ****.
Then time happened and life became complicated.
My mom cheated (or was continuously cheating) and there was no preset
My dad wished there was a reset
And me... I was treated like an asset;
For money.
For **** sake my young years have been duped.


Jonesy 2019 ©