I am one, a particulate suspended
in an infinite collection of
breathing stardust
alone standing on
earthly surfaces.

And you are the life I began
to understand in the poetry of
your words that I long to
**** in and inhale for the rest
of this illusionistic superficial reality.

he moved fast
swift as a mouse
running away from a cat
he said ‘I never
ever wanted to stay here’
and added ‘I will do
all that I can.’
I ask what
‘to escape’
he grew tired of everything else
often he would joke around
about leaving
about driving away
he already made plans
he will smoke on the way
of his escape
he will stay in a lodge when he gets tired
eat, drink, and probably sleep more
he never wanted to stay
‘where modern minds
think medieval’ adding
‘if I rot in hell, they would be happy’
so every night we talk
you never fail to say and add things to your plan
but I smile, laugh, and hug
everything about your plan
because of all his plans
of going away, driving all the way to
a city that never sleeps
of his great escape
I am in every plan
‘I’ll leave
only if you do’
and my heart melted
every broken piece of it
into one beating heart
for once, someone finally
thought about me
one night, I asked
(I don’t particularly care how or where)
‘so
when
do
we
go
love?’

Ito pala ang pakiramdam ng ligaw na damo,
may pangangailangang kinukuha sa hamog ng umaga,
sa lupang kakarampot, at sa katas ng ibang ugat ng ibang halaman.
Ito pala ang pakiramdam ng ligaw na damo,
nananahimik na namumuhay sa anino ng tunay na sibol
ng kalikasan. Ano ang aking silbi kung ang langit na nais kong marating ay hanggang talampakan lamang ng tao?
Ano ang aking silbi?

Ito pala ang pakiramdam ng ligaw na damo,
mabubuhay ng walang halaga,
mawawala ng walang sinasambit.

we follow all these certain rules
obtain all these certain goals
but for who? but for what?
for those who set up all those?
for those who created all
these images of a perfect life
these images of an ideal one
where you are allowed
to commit mistakes
but when you do,
they’ll condemn you
like you've never
done anything
right in this
life they
have designed
for you?

Love me because I am glass,
thick but fragile. Too strong
of your grip, I'm shattered. Too loose
I'll slip between your tiny bones.

Love me because I am glass,
thick but fragile. A diamond
laying by your side, I shine
and you reflect.

So love me because I am glass.
Always cautious not to break me,
or even scratch a little crack on me.
Even a little.

And I will love you because I am glass,
steady and fragile. I will keep certain
if I break, you won't be hurt.
And I will never cause you pain.

Not now, not ever.
Even if I am glass, I will
love you as you, as you love me
because I am glass, thick and fragile.

You are an addiction,
a bit funny kind of addiction.

Not that type of lingering smoke
by the pack of cigarettes or
the high of a single hit

Not that type of an opiated mind
of maze-like thoughts
discarded cans of buzzing minds

I will try and try to verbalize these thoughts
but I'm a coward
so I keep them inside the confines of my head

So I tell no one, i am eaten by these
by this one thought
this kind of funny addiction

when times are good, I wait
for it to knock on my doors
windows, basement opening

from everywhere. And it wins
like a God, I am nothing.
Too bad, this isn't God.

The secret, this addiction
the rush of blood out my veins
I try not to let it win

but from the start it already won,
my thoughts are its *****, on my wrists
stamping each of them with a label

"die"

i can't stop it.
an addiction. i'm an addict.
no self discipline, no control
my hands, my fingers keep returning
and returning on
my chapped lips

it began last week. cold day,
caught a cold. breathing through my mouth.
sick and dry
dry lips.
there's an itch on my finger, i began to touch
my chapped lips

i thought it was a one time thing,
something reversible, something stoppable.
i was wrong, i was dumb, i was so wrong.
when my fingers stopped retaliating the blood,
it, the addiction, turned my teeth onto warriors
on the scrimmage on
my chapped lips

one night, i stopped
in the morning it was worse.
a wound hasn't healed, and another
on top of it. skin and flesh, on a rotating schedule
i'm scared but i don't stop. i'm scared
but my body just turned its back on
my chapped lips.

nothing has changed. blood and wound
scar and then wound,
i haven't stopped. and now i'm not scared.
i thought, i'm good at healing.
so, my chapped lips

will stay. scars may come,
but it's just my lips.
nothing good
has ever touched
my chapped lips.

i am naked, and this is my story

though my thoughts are a mess
and all that i am is in a dysfunctional state
my skin screams the same things i tried to bury before
this is not me, and I could perfectly remember
running away the moment i get scratched on my knees
or get little wounds on my palms
the moment i begin to feel
i run away

this was not planned, hurting is never part of any of anyone's plan
it's the compromise of life, it's the second skin of love
and i let my guards down, threw the keys
opened every passage i could ever open
unconditionally it happened, like hurting it was not on my plan
by this time, i remember
smiling together with a stranger in my reflection
'let's do this
for once, fight for something, fight for a possibility'
and i still am, and i'll still will

this depth is the shallow part of the river or the ocean
hidden beyond the pebbles, sharp edges of stone
my heart swims, with eyes closed
i let the current turn these words
into the crashing waves
feel it, do not be afraid
because i am, and i'm hurting

i don't care, please see that
the future holds you like a hostage
stockholm syndrome wins over
and i'd be the police at the end of the scene
trying to salvage whatever that is left to proclaim

i could be selfish just now, you could be selfish just now

reality is absurd and its hands are catching on
even the fear I left behind seemed never left me
hooked on my neck, ready to choke me
with one word you say
I'd stop, but I won't
this heart won't
this mind won't

i am naked and this is my story
those clothes were my shield, my shelter
and i torn them down
burning every inch
letting freedom take me over
feeling the pain flow through my veins
i am naked,
and all my clothes can't shield me from anything anymore
and i don't care, for once
i really want to feel every bit of it
whatever it is
whatever made me scared
here i am, naked

fill me in, and turn my bones into ashes
the way the flames
crept up my clothes

i am naked and this is my story

I have got this  idea,
a stupid wish, a nonsensical desire
of being in a car accident.
Hear me, I want you to.

I prefer to be in the backseat,
seat belt on, and a frequent mannerism
of looking down, in front
on the driver's dashboard. I do that,
I always want to know the speed
and how fast the others outside this space
of metal and cushion. I don't want to be the driver,
knowing myself, I would not get myself into one.
I am a safe *****, that is all.
Then, here goes nothing -
I want the car to crash. I still haven't made my mind
on where or what are we going to crash.
Maybe a wall. Maybe another car. Maybe a post.
I want it to be something solid, but not alive.
Trees are the exceptions. I want the car
to kiss that solid thing, head on.

I don't want the pain that may come along,
I don't want to call it a near death experience,
I want that instant where -
everything seems unreal
or too real my head would not be able to
understand. I want that portion of time
where I decide do I close my eyes or not,
that moment that I will have my life question itself.
And I don't wish death I don't wish to live, either.
Just that moment, where I could think
how instantaneous life can be.
I want that tick of the clock
the clashing of realities and dimensions..

I want that moment,
I need to feel that moment of being just between death and life
where everything doesn't matter anymore, but I still know
they exist.

I have this stupid idea,
nothing so important, nothing so surreal
but to wish this
is the demand I am willing
to pursue.

She fell in love with an astronaut,
their distance lightyears away.
She believes that he fell in love with her, too.
“For the galaxies are beside me, and a vast of possibilities laying
outside the metal surrounding me,
i kept falling back into your pull of gravity.”
And she still does, when she grows old every day, waiting
he stays the same, feels the same, thinks the same.

But she fell in love with an astronaut,
their distance lightyears away.
Everything under her feet moves faster,
And in space - time slows down, Relativity kicks in.
And every day she wishes, that the Earth would stop revolving
the years stop counting, and
she would stay the same, feel the same, think the same.
She hoped, she dreamed, she failed.

She fell in love with an astronaut.
Her nights linger on tinkering on stars
and planets, and space. She wanted to wait,
she grows old, he slows it down, she couldn’t.
He is lightyears away, and time is running out.
She was in love with an astronaut,
and he was meant to be there, not with her,
not ever.

Was I wrong?
My mind fails me
and to conjure the right words
the answers embraced nothingness
I always think
you flawed my reasoning
you were what was missing

over and over, I say
I am not mistaken or fooled
dressed in my fantasies
the idea of you and i
we will be alive
until our bones get tired
I promise.

You are a vagabond, you always were
like a migrating flock on a foreign land
again and again,
amongst all those wanders
I begin to carve on my skin.

You will find warmth in me
and you will erase all your hues
you will begin to love me

All this time, I kept a fair distance
to the things that might give much more
of what they call pain. Until
I learned, how to permanently
(or so I thought)
carve them onto a
hidden translucent white wall
reminding me that they're
always there, lurking.

Years have passed and I have gone mastered
the art of feeling nothing
(or pretending not to).

So, when you came along,
with all the glory of your humanity
and the realness of your skin
touching with mine,
(remember those things I've carved?)
they escaped like the wall had broken down
fallen down
the way I fell for you -
little by little, inch by inch
piece by piece,
me by me.

All those fears that I tried to run away from
were all stitched with your love
and I can't love you
if they're with you
but I still did. And I still will.

Even if it throws me to the oblivion
of my own sacrilegious fears,
when the ransom for all those pain
and hurt
and suffering I will get
is the infinite taste
and satisfaction of my desires
by your love.

*By your only love.

so sad today

breathing, still breathing,
in and out,in and out, in and -------
out
cliffhanging loud beats
one, two, one,
       two, one
   and two
pulsating pace, closing time
cold fingers, toes, neck
dried pale kisser
buried irises, fluttering lids
in and
           out, in and -------
out
one, two, one, one and two
knocked out, shut down
paralyzed, stunned, running out
blood, there's blood
somewhere, everywhere, all around
open skin, trembling wrist
blood, there's blood
in and
             out, in and out, in and ------
out
one, two, one,
                 two, one and two
lights out, lights back on,
phone ringing, door slamming
sirens coming
mother, screaming
diluted sounds, distant thoughts
in and out,
                      in and out, in and ------


still alive, still alive
             still                alive          
still -
i smile

Heaved in the spoon of sugar,
your grains fall off and on
to the greasy kitchen table top.
And people never bother to ask
why you’ve been unreachable
when all of you crawls at the nothingness
of the unseen.

Take my mind like a pocket book.
      Hold it between your hands,
      posses each of its pages, and
      you'll see, the chapters are tainted
      with your name on it.

Read my own thoughts in your own words.
      free your insecurities by the touch
      of my imagination
      of you teasing me with your teasing eyes
      look, you are the most beautiful, no,
      you are the definition of beautiful.

Feel me through each of my pages.
     I would be breathing under your handbag.
     And you'll take me to where you are headed.
     Show me what I showed you.
     Through my mind, i'll see you.

Burn me, with the heat of your grip.
     And if my mind is inside the flames you set
     I'd gladly embrace my own death
    for if i would burn inside your arms
    it would be the best way to perish.

the end
drew me back to
the unknown
into grey matter
before anything turns
I ran away,
I took all of them
as if all memories are to throw

renewing the thoughts
deleting the past
saved on my camera roll -
your crystal clear candid shots
into sleepless metaphors
the nights you stole

with our brief barely breathing history
time seemed to align
where it flew
I was not sure how it went
the drinks, the laughs
those that came out our lungs

and the gust of sighs where i lost my mind
with our touching eyesights
we began

He was made to choose
  between two hues
  his favorite colour was blue
  and I was cerulean

He was made to choose
  between two glasses
  he's an optimist
  and I was half-empty

He was made to choose
  between two songs
  he worshipped Cobain
  and I was deaf

He was made to choose
  between everything.
  he knows I have fallen for him -
  and here I am, alone.

He chose everything rather
  than the girl who could've promised
  her everything
  was him.

The first afternoon I can recall,
you grabbed my hand
and took me outside.
You surprised me, I said.
Because that noon
is the first time
I saw that lake.

The second afternoon I can recall,
you called me by name
and we went outside.
I brought you lunch, and
we drank some
mind-boggling liquid
which you stole from that old man
living beside that lake.
We lied on the grass, and
if that was not a dream, I hope not,
I felt your breath with mine, and your lips
on mine.

The third afternoon I can recall,
you went to my bed
and shook me awake.
I was mesmerized to see you again,
but you’ve changed.
The colour in your eyelids, your cheeks,
and your lips was artificial.
If you haven’t spoken, I
wouldn’t be able to recognize you.
Sitting at the edge of my bed,
you’ve said the name of that lake,
and I knew  it was you still.

The fourth afternoon I can recall,
you were 18 and still cried on my shoulder
not because you were hurt, but
because you were happy  getting married.
Flowers, chairs, and a priest
waited  for you beside that lake.
I was about to cry at that moment, knowing
it wasn’t me you were marrying.

The fifth afternoon I can recall,
you yelled at me,
“I can’t live this way!”
I asked you why, but
you didn’t tell me, you showed me.
That kiss beside that lake was wrong.
In all of the reasons why it was wrong,
I found one which is right.
You loved me the way I loved you.

The sixth afternoon I can recall,
you left me
alone beside that lake.
Yes, you loved me, but
as you have said you need to love yourself more.
I can’t hold you any blame for leaving,
I understood, and I lived with the promise
that you’ll come back to me –
in one piece or even in ashes.

The seventh afternoon I can recall,
you were barely alive.
You looked old, with dark circles around your eyes.
You hid them with glittery make-up.
“This lake haven’t changed.” you said.
I looked at that lake,
its beauty and all its glory
looked nothing
next to you.

The eighth afternoon I can recall
was the worst of them all.
You didn’t call, you didn’t leave,
you didn’t cry, you didn’t go to my bed.
And you weren’t barely alive.
Someone wrote me a letter, not you,
to take you where you and bring you back home.
You didn’t find yourself, you’ve lost it
To yhe hero
in your veins, who ate you in your sleep.

This afternoon,
I carry you, with all but  my shattered heart,
inside a jar.
My tears are one with that lake,
but I’ll bury you beside it.
I know you’re happy.
Your soul one with that lake.

the words i cannot tell you
itches around the walls of my throat

there they lie
at the edges of my tongue

i cannot breathe
i cannot think

the only way to stop
is to tell you

i found the universe
and where it stops, where it begins
beyond your eyes
inside your mind

i got lost

I miss the rushing of words
that my fingers have troubles typing them all.
I miss the unending spree of thoughts
my mind cannot fathom one at a time,
but what I miss the most
is the touch of you
in every left-aligned poetry
your face reflects
transfixing all of me
stealing my own
memory of what
real beauty is.

They say that the magnificence of the planets, the stars and the galaxies
cannot be seen by the naked eye.
But when my eyes met yours, your hands touched mine -
my sight, my senses, were amplified
like the floating Hubble in space -
I begged to differ.

It's all in you,
the galaxies, millions even billions of them, are in no comparison
with you.

we breathed each other heavily
heavy as my hand resting on your back
trying to press your body against mine
the sensation is forever
Scintillating and you do it all over
you moved down
and I gained high
with every stroke of your hand
I am paralyzed, I am wild
I brush your hair out of your face
so I could see it glow in the moonlight
you smile, I grin
I kiss you and you taste of sugar
salt, peppermint, the cigarettes you smoked
but most especially you taste like you -
moist like the rain
but dry like velvet -
under these sheets, we both cry in height
with all the love you gave
I lie on my back
waiting for your long brown hair
which I love, like the whole you
but then I realized something
you weren’t there
I was alone,
dry
in love
making

the truth comes with a bit of a sting
it's you accept it and let it all go
or you swallow it, with all the jagged edges
of each side down your throat
it's just a sting, it's a bite from an ant
or a stab in the back,
a kick in the guts,
a touch from reality.

and i predicted that this would happen,
that I'd do this to myself.

and I predicted that you would run,
now you've touched my truth,
I knew you weren't ready,
and I am just glad
that whatever happened,
or 'could have happened'
is done, before it has begun.

and I predicted that this would happen,
and I predicted that you would run
once you knew the truth,
now,
you're backing down.



*****

Like everything in this world wounds
Around the thought of us,
Whether pain and touch, or just
Sweet serendipitous moments we shared.

All will be stored inside my little mind,
Never will it be erased, and I know troubles will come but never will
Denying you, my love, be in my vocabulary.

Like all the stars, in rainbow colours hidden
Under and over thousands of horizons meeting
Seemed nothing, beside you, dear, I will forever feel
H**eavenly around our intertwined bodies, and kisses.

what would be the last thing
you hear, you smell, you see?
you would probably not notice.
is it too cold? or a bit warm? or too hot?
or the window less open than yesterday?
will you see the mess of your tiny room
occupied by forgotten tasks or hobbies,
the 1000-piece puzzle left in the box,
remember that? trying to solve everything
on the floor, room not enough space,  no?
you would probably not notice
the door locked, maybe unlocked, would it matter?
phone uncharged, again, would it matter?
you might smell a familiarity in the air
of course, you're inside your room; you've been here
you lied here, again and again -
above everything you own, would you remember
the last thing, will it matter
when you're on the last turn, on your last blink-
would your remember the last thing?
you would probably not notice.
I would probably not.

it all began
when you decided
to make me fall in love with you
and it made sense, because I liked you
and you liked me back

for all the senseless wisdom I had
you made me who I was afraid of
careless, and ready to give back
all the **** care I forgot
about this world

it never felt right, but it never felt wrong
i did not realize it until
everything fell apart
in a blink of an eye
I am a stranger to you

Do you know how does that feel?
ignored, when I thought
I was something special?
something you like? and
something you want?

haven't you i figured it out?
that i fell into a bottomless pit
no one and nothing
to even catch
my sorry as for me

haven't you figured it out?
that i fell for you
and it's your fault
but you left me, saying you love me
but then i was nothing to you

but i'm glad it's done
buried in the past
blurred in vision
you hurt me, dear
but I forgive you

for all I care,
I know you won't rot in hell,
but at least in my memories
*you'll regret, that once in your miserable life
you took me for granted

one day you're going to feel beyond your body
a transcendent feeling that your soul cannot utter a word
and your eyes forgot what was real and what was a dream
like there living a story from your childhood books
flying like a fairy or a dragon with flame-throwing breaths
and your hands will fail grasping your body
and then music will flow though the waves and particles of light
travelling in its own speed but you still can see it
like everything is in slow motion
like everything is unreal

but right now,
everything is in your safe zone
the way the things in your room feels like a prison
and the sound of your heartbeat is the only thing your ears could trust
like the doors were locked
the windows are shut, there is no escaping
you've danced your way into your own travesty
and it keeps you feeling, and the feeling is changing
they may say that change is good
but they also lie to your face, nothing is still real
a different kind of sensation of blackness in the middle of the day
emptying, frustrating, wilding

but one day, you will feel special
hope for it, wait for it

the car oozes its rusty roars
as we make our way
out of this town, fleeing.

we held each other's hands,
you keep your eyes on the road
while i keep crying like an idiot.

to be perfectly honest, i didn't know
the real reason why there are tears,
it is because i am happy with you? or scared of this decision?

all i know is that i love you,
all i know is that i am scared,
all i know is that this is wrong.

but i continue, trying to prove
myself wrong. and for the past two years
i have never been so wrong in my life.

we were not brave souls, the ones you said.
we are young, hormonal, and
purely stupid.

our plans, my life, and yours
are wounded intricately
together.

you move, i move.
you breathe, i breathe.
you touch me, i touch you.
you stay, this time
I go.

it is impossible for you to understand
that we got scared of what's beyond.

but sometimes the people worth fighting for
aren't worth loving anymore.

You were the slow death
I was wishing for,
like this stick
the third, the forth
you are ever more

the same ****** thing.

I inhale you in,
as I do,
I'm slowly killing you
and you are slowly
eating me.

I burn you and you burn me
more than you intended be.

at this glorious point,
we are mutual.

at last, we are now.