I can feel me breaking
but my anger is holding me together.
You said you were on your way
that this time it would be forever.

You lied.

running in circles
can't stop looking back
the memory of you chasing me
just waiting to attack.
the key to my heart
was stolen from me.
i just wanna let you go,
but i can't let it be
for a story unfinished
is a torturous thing
until all is said and done
neither can win.
a hand in my face
awakens my mind
and take it i do,
without another glance behind.

you know i never got to kiss him?
not even once.
never felt his lips up against mine
or  the grizzly brush of his scruff
                                          (he could never really grow a full beard)
i never got to kiss him on the cheek
or even hold his hands,
so worn and tired from hours working
                                          (or at least so it always seemed)
never rubbed his temples after a long day to help take the stress away
i could only ever imagine how he'd relax,
finally lift the weight of the world off his back
and place it ever so gently on mine,
                                          (you see, i already carry the world on my back, and since he was my world it wouldn't have weighed me down too much more)
i was strong enough to carry it, to carry him.
but i never got to help lift the burden of his life
maybe if i had, it wouldn't have crushed him..

All of a sudden the air felt heavy;
I’d heard her name one too many times,
dreamt of her in my place for yet another night.
He could claim I was the one -
but her memory still lingered on the walls,
slowly suffocating me more each day.

just another pretty face,
this was all a big waste.
never stop to look behind
the makeup and actions that all hide
the person who i truly am,
but do you even give a ****?
i'd like to pretend that you do,
but i know the truth will come out soon.
*mirror, mirror on the wall
watch me, watch me as i fall

he tells me i’m a good person -
but he doesn't know i want to sleep with his best friend,
that sometimes i can't stand the sight of him
but know i have no where else to go.
he doesn't know how i dream of leaving,
taking off without a word
and hope it will break him to pieces.
he doesn't see the way my eyes glaze over,
purposefully tuning him out when he speaks
because i can't be bothered to listen
he thinks my kind words hold deeper meanings,
doesn't see my shallow promises
when i say i'll never leave.

All of a sudden i’m back to a wednesday afternoon
And i’m thirteen again,
Startled by a knocking on the door
Followed by an angry bellowing
And i see a face i had thought i was done with.
The door begins to creak open
Left unlocked and cracked,
The naivety of a trusting child
Excited to be home safe from a long day of school
And i push with all my might
To close and lock the door
Afraid he would get in -
Afraid of what would happen if he did.
Tears begin to fall,
Hesitant at first to leave my eyes
Then cascading down around me
Trying to drown my fear and myself -
He can’t **** me if i’m already dead.
Right?

I can hear myself screaming
And feel myself shaking
But i don’t feel like i’m there,
Trying to block it out,
Play it back like a movie
Where if i just wait long enough
The hero will come in
Save the day,
And save me.
A minute feels like an hour
As i pray and i pray and i pray
Hold onto myself for dear life,
Digging my fingernails into my skin
Trying to awake from this bad dream
Craving something sharper to help ease the pain
And the pounding continues
as i realize this isn’t a dream
Or a nightmare
But the nightmare my life has become
What did i do to deserve this?



In time the commotion ceases
I’m left alone
Trapped in a horror worse than before,
Wondering if he has left
Or is just waiting for me to stop hiding
Peek out from the basement,
See if he’s gone
Waiting….
Waiting for the perfect moment
To wrap his hands around my neck
Tell me he loves me one last time and end it
A final goodbye
The final ending
Dear god why did you abandon me at this crucial hour?

I cry myself to sleep that night
And for the next few as well
Coming home becomes a chore
Fills me with dread as i enter the driveway
I’m afraid to be alone
Lost in a panic
My mind’s always racing
And paranoia has set in like a blanket of doom
Always checking my back,
Wondering when he’ll appear
Finish the job he didn’t before
The days keep coming
The nights feel everlasting
I wish i could run away
Find somewhere that feels safe
Somewhere he’ll never be able to find me
But i’m trapped in this hell hole i call my mind
And I know that leaving won’t change a thing.
I just want to feel safe
Why can’t i ever feel safe?

We all think there will be more of it -
A better time to say how you feel,
Or let someone into your life.

We live in a world of “somedays” -
One days and eventualities
Living life on hold without even noticing.

Don’t wait until you’re holding on for dear life -
Wishing for the unspoken to be said,
Regretting your untaken opportunities
And screaming at the sky:
“Hey! Do you sell time?”

heart beating through your shirt,
each thud echoing in my body
warm hands brushing cold skin,
sending shivers down my spine
lips brushing my hair,
sweet breath tickling my ear
muscles tensed, holding tight
a smile felt leads to a smile made
a sigh, a release,
our fingers intertwine
and I drift off to sleep.

I knew who you were coming in -
I'd heard her name before
but still I dove in head first
and they told me about your ways -
how you'd love and leave
breaking hearts without care.
That you didn't even try to
but her name was always there.
No one really knows what happened
or why she controls you so.
It's over and she's not waiting -
why can't you be over her too?

I wanted to write something powerful about the time i was *****
But first i had to decide which one
There was that night in october my freshman year
When a guy i trusted took advantage of a young girl too drunk to realize
Or that time on christmas eve,
After a party, with a boy i ended up on a blind date with six months later
Or what about all those times someone forced themselves on me
And i was too ashamed to try and get away
Or guilted by them to say no,
Made me feel like i owed them my body.
Hands covering me even after i refused
As if telling me i don’t actually know what i want
Like if they just touched me anyways it would magically turn me on
Or that the way my body was curved to theirs was all the consent needed.

I tried to write about how i felt
But the feelings still overwhelm me,
Even after almost half a decade
How i was called a ****,
Told it wasn’t as bad as i made it sound,
Told that I was lying about how it affected me.
Told that he was drunk too,
Told that it was partly my fault
Told what a stand up guy he was
And when i think of that night;
i think of the next year
Him whispering in my ear during class
Hitting on me, trying to hang out
And feeling like i didn’t have a right to be...
To be…
I don’t even know how to say what i felt
Disgusted with him and with myself
Repulsed at the thought of my body when he was around
Sad, so incredibly sad that other people can understand my pain
I just get so overwhelmed i just become numb

And so here i am 4 years later,
Finally writing about the night i became just another number
Another statistic never truly understood
Forgot about in a day
But left with this pain for a lifetime
Still feeling the way he grabbed me
Mourning the loss of my body as my own
Trying to find the words to explain
But there are none to describe how it feels
When someone steals a part of you
That you can never get back,
Or the shame that hangs in the clouds
Even on your brightest days
So I’m sorry this wasn’t what i wanted it to be
But this is all i know how to say
About the days i can’t speak about.

i've never loved and hated someone so much in my life
sometimes i wonder how we ever got together,
feel the break up in each word we hiss out
for our beliefs will never be aligned.
i wonder how i never saw it,
his contempt for love and life

There are words
that need to be written,
but I can't seem to find them.
Instead
they keep me awake;
searching
and searching
and searching...
reminding me of the past,
worrying about my future,
trying to figure out
where I went wrong
and all of the ways
I still could.
They say to just write
about what you feel;
but this pain extends deeper
than any given language
could ever hope to explain.
And if they don't exist
how can they be used
to help me recover?
When will I get a reprieve?
Find time for my poor soul to grieve.

you can pick your side
and i'll pick mine,
take our stances
on these lines
make a change
and take a chance,
I'm asking you
for one last dance
and promise me
that we won't fight
promise this,
before daylight
I'm praying that,
I'm begging it,
that this won't hurt
a little bit
you can take your side
and i'll take mine,
we'll wait behind
these borderlines.

friends forever,*
we'll always remember,
together we'll get through it all
we're one in the same,
we all share the blame
for the trouble we get into.
when you can't decide,
wanna run and hide,
we'll always be there to help you.
when sad and blue,
and through laughter too.
we share everything with each other,
you're a part of us all,
for you've helped build this wall
that keeps each of us standing.
without you I would die,
don't wanna say goodbye,
but you'll stay here in my heart.
we'll be friends forever,
always remembered,
together we'll get through it all.

you're trying to stay mad,
but there's a twinkle in your eye.
and that dimple on your cheek
makes it impossible to lie.
I'm trying to look tough
but my walls begin to waiver.
hide from you, I can't
and not doing so is braver.
a look, a smirk, a sigh,
open books to each other
yeild our poker faces useless
yet we pretend not to know better.

because loving you is my favorite thing
and i could spend all day and night
just staring into your eyes,
even if it's through a computer screen,
with 89 miles between us,
but i'd walk that distance if i had to
just to be held in your arms
because falling asleep next to you
brings me joy that i can't comprehend
and hearing your voice say my name
brings me to peace and makes it okay.
because of you i have learned how to love
old scars from the past have vanished,
and i know how to guard myself from you
but doing that would not be to my advantage
because falling for you is inevitable
and all i can do is pray you'll catch me
whisper to me softly
and tell me you'll stay here always.

The flowers have reached their bloom,
But the beauty can't compare
To the day we walked through their buddings
Catching up and making small talk,
Trying to avoid the goodbyes to follow.
We hugged goodbye and I avoided your kiss
The lingering taste would be too much to bear.
And the happy music blasted around
As I walked away with tear stained cheeks.
A month without you, too painful to bear...
How will I survive these next years...

you're leaving and i don't know how to feel,
is it selfish for me to think of all i'll gain when you're gone?
or is it my way of trying to be okay with it all.

you're leaving and it *****,
i don't know a world without you in it
and i don't know if i ever want to.

you're leaving and i can't say goodbye,
the words won't seem to leave my lips
like if i just hold them in you won't go

you're leaving and i hope you find peace,
for cancer's a ***** and you've been so strong
but i can't wait for you to find rest.

I miss you in the moonlight
And while standing in the sun
I miss the way you held me
Just can't believe we're done

I miss the way you saw me
It made me feel so free
I miss how you see the world
It filled mine with glee

I miss the simple pleasures
Like staying in bed all day
I miss holding your hand
And the way we lay

I miss the way you teased me
Can't even believe that this is so
I miss you more than imagined
Or you could ever know

I miss our time together
My escape, my peace and quiet
I miss how well we worked
I'll never find something like it

broken stories,
broken trust
once thought love,
now revealed as lust.
mystery surrounding words,
meanings unclear.
I'm losing you
and all held dear.
hate filled lies
from a broken heart,
black brush strokes,
across delicate art.
no life to live,
no life to love.
searching for guidance
from up above.
can't understand
what you say now,
these bitter words
are ringing loud
keep all the hurt
locked inside...
my tears,
from you,
I must hide.

light the night with the stars
there's never been a love like ours.
the world is ours for the taking,
there's no point in us waiting
light the fire, light the flame
our recklessness is to blame.
we'll do a dance and take a chance
this will be a great romance
light the candle within my heart
take my hand, this will be the start.

it does not matter how many times you tell me you love me
because that time when you wouldn't look me in the eyes is my most resounding memory
and no number of "you are beautiful"s
could ever undo the harm caused by my mother's spiteful eye
so instead i'll slip into another man's bed -
using their lust for me to fill my need to be wanted
and the distance of a one night stand
to avoid any further disappointment caused by my inevitable failure

watching my world come crashing down
causing turmoil all around
the world is never as it seems
feeling the pain fade as it bleeds
like a dagger to my heart
wishing there had never been a start
to these feelings that i feel
this pain these thought i believed were real
this is what i keep inside
looking away trying to bide
time to hide all my tears
wiping away all my fears
that are right there in my eyes
but you're too busy with goodbyes
not noticing how i want to die
and with my last breath i whisper goodbye
my love you will never know
how i felt when we stood toe to toe
whispering secrets and murmuring teases
seductive yet secretive it always pleases
you helped me to feel alive
and now i feel like i have died.

I talk a lot about staying strong -
But I don’t feel strong
Too weak for tears to even leave my eyes.
I speak words of why I live -
Endless reasons to keep breathing
When in truth I just don’t know how to die.
I preach of loving yourself -
Finding beauty in every day
But see my own world in shades of grey.
I write about bravery and growth -
Living my own adventure
When it’s always been for others that I’ve stayed.

yellow ribbons flying 'round
one by her heart tied and bound.
her love, he's sending off today
she's hoping, praying he could stay
a yellow ribbon she'll wear always
thinking of him with the passing days
knowing this could be their last goodbye,
"I dedicate this to you in case I do die.
my love you are my one and only
without you I'll be so lonely
we've been tried and tested through-n-through
before I leave please say I do."
she's praying for his safe return
relying on the courage that she's learned
each day he's gone her pain has grown,
a love like this she's never known.
I love you, I loved you, I'll love you forever
you've been there for me through whatever.
a flag's now flying in the sky,
reminding her of their last goodbye.

your smile is the serpent
to which I'll always be your Eve

there's a hole in my heart,
it's where you used to be.
to the outside world
i still look happy and carefree
but it's a hallow facade
and it's fading fast,
i can't sleep,
can't eat,
i can't think!
not with you always on my mind.
you are driving me crazy,
i'm going insane!
i just need you here with me,
to help ease this pain.

There's a common misconception
when I tell people I have depression,
that I should be pitied or treated like glass,
like it makes me weak and unable.
Sometimes it ***** and my world caves in,
I don't know how to go on
and I can't seem to breathe.
There's something they don't realize,
I wouldn't change it for the world,
each day is a celebration of being alive,
of pain, and air, love and just even surviving.
Depression can make you weak
but it also makes me strong
and I love it, and me for that.

i love you isn't a strong enough word
it can't articulate how my heart flutters every time i see your face
or that when your arms are around me nothing in the world could be wrong
it doesn't describe the longing i have every moment that we're apart
or how i'd rather die than spend a single minute without you in my life
i love you does not contain the emotions i feel
it can't imagine the bliss that exudes when you kiss me on the forehead
or the giddiness of when you pull me in close and hold me like you'll never let go
it doesn't understand that kissing you feels more important than breathing
or all the ways you feel like home
i love you just won't work
there aren't enough letters in the alphabet to explain the way my heart beats for you
or the fear that festers inside and drives me insane when i think of you leaving
i love you will never be enough to make it clear how much you mean to me and the worth you've added to my life
but if you give me the chance i'll spend every day trying to make you understand

I keep trying to think of what to write,
I know it's there yet I can't find the words
and then I realize that it's already been written,
I've lived this story before,
with him five years ago.
But I delve in anyways, heart, soul and mind.
giving it up to a stranger that feels like home.

Maybe this time it will be different,
I really hope it's different,
as I fall in love again.

once i thought i was straight.
i dated a guy,
wrote about a girl
and blamed it on him not loving me.

once i thought i was gay
then his name popped up
i remembered how much i loved him
and blamed it on her distance.

now i've realized i'm human

and i only have myself to blame.

I keep a picture of you on my phone,
But it's not the one you'd think ––
Not from the night when we met
Or of your goofy grin,
But the one from after your death.
I wasn't there. Never got to say goodbye.
And sometimes I forget that you're gone.
So I keep this picture saved to my phone
Of a face so withered and old ––
Barely recognizable, but it's all that I got
When you were all that I would have ever needed.

from the moment we met
you took my breath away
every time i think of you
i forget what i'm doing
it's like the world stands still
and it's only you and me
so how could you leave me?
i said always and you said forever

I live my life on the phone,
listening to the never ending ringing
and a pre-recorded voicemail
asking me to leave a message.
it's not even your voice,
which is all I've been longing for
the twang in it,
the way you say your name,
the way you say mine.
I miss you,
I love you.
my body craves your touch
but my soul,
it craves your sound
and the way it makes me feel.
five years ago it started
and since then I've spent it waiting,
always waiting,
waiting for you to love me
like I have always loved you.


For years I stayed through his ****,
a compulsive liar, selfish, demanding, always too serious.
But i loved him all the same.
Now I stand alone,
left in the cruelest way possible.
Ruined before,
now ruined even more.
The drugs,
they won him over
and now the drugs,
they help me cope.
I was lost with a road map,
But now even that's been burned
and I can't see which way is up.
I guess I'll just keep staying,
waiting on forever.


It just *****.
That's what I tell everyone when they ask me how I'm doing
And don't take my half hearted okay for the ******* answer it is.
It just ***** ya know?
He went barreling out the this world
just as suddenly as he came stumbling into mine.

There's something so beautifully melancholy about falling in love;
Knowing at the end there is only pain
and bravely trekking on anyways -
hoping it will be worth it in the end.
It could last years or months,
hours or only minutes -
Sometimes only seconds pass before a heart is shattered
and sometimes it seems like mere seconds
as a lifetime of love has come and gone.
Take in the moments while you can;
Worn out jeans and goofy faces,
all those hellos without goodbyes
and the way their eyes saw straight into your soul -
So that when faded paint is all that's left to remember
and the faint smell of cigarettes and **** is what tucks you in at night
you remember that these sacrifices are needed to make you feel alive.
Remember there wouldn't be good days without bad ones
and that you've survived so much before-
This too will soon just be another item on that list
Remember to keep living when there's nothing left to live for
and to love when the word's definition has been lost.
Remember, remember, remember -
to breathe when the skies fall around you
Because there is no high note in death,
no crescendo nor standing ovation,
no authors note nor sequel.
Remember to keep breathing.
You'll go mad but you'll pull through.
Learn to feel and love again,
find someone new to hold and give your heart to
knowing it will be smashed into a million pieces...
But I'd rather die a thousand deaths
before I never loved again.

i keep telling myself i have to live for you
experience all the things you never got to
get married, have children and grow old in you honor
but i don't know if i can,
i never wanted those things,
i never dreamed those dreams
they were yours and so they became mine
i would have done whatever you had asked of me to tell the truth
i would gladly die for you
but i'm not sure if i can or even want to live for you anymore
not when you couldn't live for me.

lines are drawn
feelings gone,
the realization comes at dawn.
lies have been told
it's getting old,
I can see it now, your heart is cold.
these games we play
in a dangerous way
and for that we both must pay.
I see the light,
done with this fight,
but moving on will take all my might.

i'll give you my heart
if you promise not to break it,
it's been you from the start
and we'll be the ones who make it.
you're my sunshine
when i'm sad and blue,
i trust you with my life
and i'll tell you i do.
a world without you,
not one i want to see
for as long as you're with me,
happy in love is what i will be.

what happens when i love you isn't enough
when it can't hold you together any longer
or fix the brokeness of your hearts.
what happens when you have to leave
save yourself and run
even if it means leaving your heart behind
what happens when goodbye doesn't
and leaving brought you closer together
will i love you finally be enough?

It just *****.
That's what I tell everyone when they ask me how I'm doing
And don't take my half hearted okay for the ******* answer it is.
It just ***** ya know?
He went barreling out the this world just as suddenly as he came stumbling into mine.

i miss writing,
even more than i miss you.
but you were my writing,
my hopes,
my inspirations,
my dreams,
and my heartbreaks.
but now you're gone...
and so is my writing

Someone said you work too much,
and I laughed and said
"Don't we all?"
We work at our jobs,
on relationships and friendships.
We work on our appearance
through face creams and gym memberships
We wear war paint,
smear it across our faces playing a part.
We work on our smiles and our vocabulary.
We study and learn every day -
whether it be tabloids or dictionaries ;
we are always learning, working.
We work for money and adventure and love.
We work to feel young and to feel old
and anything but what we are.
We work and we work and we work,
from the moment we start breathing -
to the moment we stop.
You might say I work too much,
but maybe you just don't work enough.

i just want to keep writing about you forever
i have so many things to say about you
so many things left to tell you
how much i loved you,
how much you changed me...
but honestly, i think i just write to pretend you never left...

snowflakes are falling from the sky,
yet here in your arms, secure I lie.
blinding light from the white wonderland
snuggling in closer, hand in hand;
with my head on your chest
your heart beats like the purr of a jet.
orange lights outline your face
and get lost in your crazy hair.
so peaceful, so quite, so lovely
but...
i know the truth, and the trouble you hide
but you've ****** me in.
i'll always stay by your side.

i know it's coming -
the gut wrenching,
life stopping heart break.
i can see it in his eyes
when he says i love you
and feel it in his arms
when he holds me at night.
even with words of comfort
and planning of our future
i know the end is coming -
wait patiently for him to come clean
and confess his love for her
for i am a storm,
and her a safe habor
and he wishes for peace

Why do I feel so empty?
This weekend with you is all that I've wanted in a while.
So then why do I feel so sad?
Her name keeps popping up everywhere.
I wish I knew where we stood,
And where you stand with her,
Where you stand at all.
I just want to be with you and forget about it all
*But I feel like there's another person in bed with us right now.

I can't tell you where you'll go,
for me myself I do not know.
I can't tell what the future will be,
when what's right ahead I can barely see.
do not try to fine where we will end,
first focus on making it around this bend.
let's take our time, stop, don't go to fast.
for we never know how long this will last.

Tired of these games,
tired of the plays,
I'm hanging up my jersey
and walking off this field.
I'm not gonna wait and see,
how it all goes down,
I'm leaving it to chance,
the rest is up to you.
what you see
is what you get
step in line and
make your bet.
they can try
and bring me down,
against all odds
I'll get around;
the fakes and
all the passes.
just watch them
try to stop me.
I'm at the starting line,
I'm ready, I'm set, let's go.