It starts out slowly
At first, you don't even notice it
You're busy, you'll do it later
But as more time passes you eat less and less
You begin making excuses
You ate a lot yesterday
You're fine.
One day, you lose "control."
The hunger gets the best of you.
You eat and eat and eat
Soon after, the tears begin pouring down.
And so you'll sneak to the bathroom,
maybe stick your toothbrush or finger,
down your convulsing throat.
You relieve yourself of the pressure, the guilt,
and the contents of your stomach all at once.
But they begin to notice.
You lose an unusual amount of weight and it all comes falling down.
You hear the words... but your ears refuse to hear..
"..nervosa"
"bulimia"
"anorexia"
Bits and pieces.
But you're fine, right?
Ana is your friend.

Slowly creeping back is the girl i thought i tossed away long ago
she stares at me through earths lenses
she points out whats wrong whats horrible
thats too fat
look it jiggles too much
you're disgusting
die
i cant handle her anymore
when i said i was done
i meant it
i got help
i locked her away
but the mistake i made
was keeping the key
right next to and open hole
in the door
she probably got her sick
little fingers
through that hole
unlocked herself out
and now shes going through
those horrible memories
and placing them
in front of
my eyes

Her skin is pale
A wash of gentle light
Her hair silver
Glittering with starlight
The girl born of moon and star

Her eyes piercing blue
As the blanket of sky
Her face upturned
All the relaxed beauty of night
The girl shimmering with light and dust

The moonlight drapes over her
Clothing her in shimmering silver light
She dances with glittering grace
As the the dust of stars trails behind
The moonlight girl born for night

When god created this creature
He used his most precious gifts
Glittering stars, shimmering moonlight
And all the dreams of a sleeping world
Bring forth the daughter of night

Nyx herself would envy this girl
God saw the hearts of men break
Just her sight shattered them
Sympathy moved the mighty God
The silvery girl of the stars

God talked to his daughter of night
She agreed to leave this world
Some nights tinkling laughter echoes
From the distant world in the sky
The world of Moonlight Girl.

I was a princess once
It was long before I was sad
I was daddy's little girl and mommy's little angel
I used to twirl in my dresses and bows
happily singing my songs
then I grew up
I lost myself
I shattered
I tried to pick up the pieces
just  for one day
one day, my birthday, to be whole again
I only had enough glue and tape to piece myself together for one day
I was queen for that day
I was turning 15, my quinceañera, I was queen for a day
My dress, my makeup, my hair was perfect
I was queen for the day
but once the party was over, and my dress was taken off
my makeup washed off, my hair back to its messy oily self
I look into the mirror and I'm no longer queen
it's 2:21 am the day after my birthday and I'm still broken
I'm still me and that *****
My demons screamed, my nails clawing, trying to get out of my skin
Sure, I was queen for a day, but I'm not a queen
I don't rule, I'm not majestic, nor radiant nor elegant
I was like a little kid for a while
playing pretend
playing dress up
although I was beautiful, I was beautiful for one day
one day and one day only.
I wish I was beautiful for more than just one day
but there is only so much glue and so much tape
those aren't permanent fixes, those are temporary
just like my reign

I sketched a faceless man today
I put more details in his hands than I ever could in his eyes

I drew a faceless woman today
forward facing
I put more details on the muscles of her back
than I ever could her nose

I painted a faceless child today
I put more details on his body
than I ever could his lips

I painted faceless beings today
all hollowed out alone
my art teacher looked at me like i was a little disturbed
I could not explain to him that the hollow of her cheekbone
will have more meaning
than the color of her eyes
or the voluptuousness of her lips
and that the strain in her shoulders
will show
and that man will have more meaning in the creases
of his palms
than I could ever put on the lines of his face
And all I could think of was
How that faceless woman had a **** good
***

I know someone who finds solace in ballet shoes
                A boy who strums his secrets to guitar strings
Someone that spends his waking moments with glazed red eyes
             As if facing this world cold turkey
                       Isn’t even an option.

For boys whose fingertips shake
                Like the burning end of a cigarette
And girls whose smiles resemble
Car crashes waiting to happen
A cacophony of shattered noises
             And those of us who feel guilty for the
                     mere act
                           Inhaling air
                        And exhaling poison
So we spend lifetimes holding our breaths

   Until we burn our lungs out trying
            To warm our hearts
            With something other than the fire
           That burns out in a smoky haze

Until our eyes become rivers,
flowing oceans
That cry out a thousand melted glaciers

Our tongues speak ruined languages
We read everything backwards
Curse in Latin
Make oaths in Russian
So whatever we say sounds beautiful.

So that our hands wont have to learn permanence,
affection
consolation.

They stuff cotton down your mouth
Because it’s the only thing that doesn't choke you
When they try to muffle your sounds out
But you scream with your eyes better than you
Ever did with words

It’s a sharp sound that hurts to look at
And you knew that contradictions were the best arguments
you said  “Arguments are the best way to show someone
How much you love them because
you are giving them your words
And that is the best thing to give.”  disagreement said “Or you could give em’
Some of your M&M;’s.”

They hung mosaics of your destruction on the walls and called it “Art”
So you punched a hole through your bathroom mirror and called it “Creation”
Spent the fourth day naming your shards “Zues” “Cordelia”. Saved the sharpest one
And called it “Helen”, said “Pain only ever hurts when its beautiful.” Disagreement said
“You’re a ****** up sadomasochistic *****”

On the fifth day you dreamt your father held you
Except it wasn't your father it was a ******* who found you
frozen to a street light
On the sixth day you called me and said: “I have a name for creation;
It’s destruction.”
On the seventh day they found you praying to the  images on a TV screen
Holding onto a mathematical calculation in your hand
Calling it the formula to happiness
The numbers spelled out




D   R  U  G  S

Men who look like ferris wheels
every color representing different aspects of their personality

The first three words don't have to be beautiful
they just have to make sense
like connecting dots on paper

men who love with their fists
and hate with their mouths
who once were boys taking things apart
like remote controls their own fathers used to beat     Obedience into their small bodies.  Left them with a fury tattooed across their hearts
Just to give them the challenge of putting themselves back together

They buy their wive's flowers after
a four day bruise isn't so glaringly purple anymore
not so accusing-
kiss her broken ribs
and tell their children midnight stories

children trained as mood detectors
human robots
know when to shutup
speak when you are spoken to*

Men who speak like cutting boards
Every slice of the knives in their toungues leave
hollow aching missing parts
just to teach their children that not all
things can be put together once taken apart

whose daughter glues together the parts of old telephones
to spite the missing pieces
so every welt he beats into her bones
she sings herself unbroken
until she stands robust and imperfect
there are holes in her armour
but she holds it together

with her fathers fists.