I'm starting to understand why people make promises
Promises they won't be able to keep
Promises they'll break
They want to keep us safe

what if the person that gave birth to me
the one that was supposed to love and accept me
used to be the monster i was afraid of at night
the one that told me i was worthless all the time
what if the person that gifted me with my life
*is actually the person that made me want to die

he destroys himself to feel something
he tries to repress his thoughts but they keep coming back
he doesn't seem to care 'cause the drugs,
they keep him high in the clouds
the alcohol seems to light his insides up
he's slowly killing himself in order to survive
all he ever wanted is to stay alive
he thinks he isn't worthy of any good because he ****** up too many times
he thinks he's just a mess
but he's more than that
*he is all i need in my life

yesterday, we met again.

you looked slightly different. your beard has grown, and your hair has turned slightly grey.
i told you how good you looked but you didn't believe me.
you told me how much i've also changed since we last saw each other.
i told you that i wanted to try something new, but not that it was my insecurities that made me change myself.

i told you how much i miss your stories and that i still have our book with your notes written in it.
you told me that you don't miss my obnoxious personality and my pretentious opinions.
we laughed and talked about our short time.

you made a comment about the things that could never be.
i laughed and asked you how she's doing.
i listened to you talk about your girlfriend, who is now your fiancee.
i would like to say i was prepared for it, but i can never get used to the way you speak about her.

i know you love her more than anything. i know i never meant anything to you. and even if i did, we just weren't meant to be. but knowing these things doesn't make them hurt less, even after all these years.

when it comes to death, they'll scream and run and fight till the end
then i wonder
what do they have left worth fighting for?
isn't it better to be a soul without a body rather than a body without a soul?

when you left me it felt like you ripped a part of my damaged chest
you left me and i felt like i betrayed myself
betrayed us both with all those beautiful words we said to each other back then
i was infinite that night and i didn't fear the future that i knew would hit me the next day
we were made to comfort each other
but we only seemed to hurt one another
and i realised
believe me, i knew from the beginning that it was wrong, our connection wasn't right but i still don't want to understand how something that felt so good for a while could turn so unbelievably wrong
and i never loved you, not at all
it was just a sweet, childish crush
i just loved how someone finally understood me and how that made me feel
it made me feel less alone
like i found a long lost part of my soul and i was finally able to fly again
but when you told me
when you said
,,we can't do this anymore''
you made me feel worthless all over again
and i know if you'd read this you'd ask
why i still keep seeing things all black and white
and i know you'd say i'm not a poet
because you're just being ******* honest
that night you told me things i'll never forget
so i will answer you once again
you were my grey in those very little moments we were allowed to share with each other