I only use permanent pain as a replacement of the temporary one
Because I know myself.
How I love to see the good in everyone
And I know how easily I forgive and forget
How easy it is to be swayed by your lies and goodbyes
And how I always seem to become a bet
How easily you can play with my heart rather then my hair
How much you're always right and your judgment becomes my air
The air I breathe and need so badly or I heave
At least the permanent pain will be a reminder to do everything to leave
Even when you paint a beautiful brand new start..
To not fall to the old, cruel, lonely habits of my heart.
There's days I miss you more than life itself .. but then I remember how you treated me and how quickly you were ready to leave me for a taste of something new.. and those days I feel sick to my stomach wondering why I was never good enough for you.
I just feel like falling.. at this point I don't mind that there's no one to catch me.
I lost such a huge part of me in the ones that promised it’d be safe..
But all this time I realized that was the problem..
I was hiding a part of me in them when I shouldn’t have been hiding at all.
And I wonder why you’re not with me
You say you’re looking for somebody who will love you right
Never leave your side
Keep you warm at night
Boy I got you
You won’t ever have to cry
Except all this time
You’re probably looking for somebody new
Won’t treat you right
Who’ll keep you up at night
Who’ll hurt you
Just to watch you cry.
I wrote your name on the walls of my heart, hoping one day you'll find a way in again to see how cold it's been here, how lonely and dark.
I scream your name off the rooftops at 3am hoping you'll come back to me
Hoping this was all a nightmare and a mishap from reality.
I dream of you and wake up crying, i want the old you back. Where can I find him laying?
Waiting for me in a grass field with a picnic blanket and lunch laid out, wiping the tears from my cheeks and telling me hush now
It wasn't real darling, you're all mine and forever you'll stay,
Lay with me and let's stare at each other. For the rest of our Infiniti
I want you and your mind, that's such a beautiful maze.
There's nothing to be afraid of love, now just lay in my arms and know forever here you'll lay.
I wonder if with time your heart can deteriorate?
If every time you cry yourself to sleep, a part of it breaks.
If when we lay at night staring at the ceiling wondering how it is we got in this horrible place,
If a piece of it simply falls off and evaporates?
If it falls into the crevices of our bones so soon we are no longer left with a heart
But with the left overs of what used to be one.
So we can no longer feel love but we have the particles of what it once consisted of,
Deep within us, never able to be felt or shown again.
June 8, 2014
My worst fear is that I will never be satisfied.
Nothing I do will ever be good enough, and not to the minds of everyone else, but that of my own.
I am scared I will never be happy with who I'm with because I'm not happy with myself.
When I'm alone, I'm at my best.
Unaffected by the world and secluded in my sanctuary of a room.
But should someone be alone for the rest of their life?
Is it healthy, will it drive me to insanity?
Always chasing something that I may never get.
Like I am, for the rest of my days, always chasing the rim of the sunset.
Maybe I should stay alone..
Maybe, just maybe..
I need to be solely on my own.
June 9, 2014
I've thought about ending it a few times.
Frankly that's all that's been on my mind.
Don't leave me alone with my thoughts.
I'm reckless and I might just give in and seal my own box.
June 3, 2014
I'm ready to walk this journey alone.
I've been ready since the day I met you. I knew I was doomed the second I fell for your smile and the moment you shook my hand..
June 3, 2014
Trying to find myself has caused me to lose everything I had.
I do not pity myself and wish for you to do the same.
June 3 2014
What happens when temporary is no longer
When you feel weak without them
Yet somehow stronger
How do we feed the darkness of our pasts
Well i can tell you, easy,
With memories of us staring at ourselves through broken glass.
I can finally say I'm no longer afraid of you or who you'll be without me
Because I finally can see who you've been without
a shadow of doubt overcasting.
You are now who you've always been.
It's just now with some alcohol running rapid through my veins and some tears gathered in my eyes
From staring vaguely into my mind
It somehow all seems clear enough.
I'm no longer pinned.
Blindfolded by one's own fogginess.
A mist that overtook me a year too long to clear.
You are the same.
And no not that cliche ****, the same as every guy,
but you are the exact same reincarnation of my worst fear.
My fear of falling for someone who only had the interests of their own held dear.
Maybe this makes sense to you and maybe this doesn't
and you know what? That's a risk I'm willing to take.
I would rather let these words and phrases pour out of me like an unstoppable hurricane that might drown you,
Than to, for one second longer, let this hurricane continue to destroy me.. *Whatever is left of course.
I love you for how you inspire me.
How you ignite me
How you love me... But most of all for how you look at me,
With those wide beautiful eyes that are filled with so much hope and ambition for not only what we are but for everything you believe you and I can become.
Your darkest secrets can be shared
And I'll do nothing but shed the kindest light amongst them and cleanse you of any burdens that were abandoned on your shoulders.
I'll do my best to rid you of any marks they left on that sweet, genuine, beautiful soul of yours.
I'll never leave you to fight your demons alone.
On your own,
I promise, for the rest of our lifetime, is something you'll never have to feel.
All in the hopes to one day call you
You are the reason I am so strong,
Why I can withstand any storm.
You taught me at a young age how to love life and adore it all,
The ups, the downs, the heartaches, even the rock bottom falls.
I remember being young and with you on the bridge of San Francisco.
It was freezing, foggy, felt like it was below zero.
But when you held me up to see the world At that moment I knew
You were going to be the only man who could ever pick me up at the moments I needed it most.
My greatest hero, would be you.
You are everything I could have asked for in a dad and more.
God knew you would be the only one who could handle me.
But I'm not sure if you even knew what you were in for.
I look up to you and I'll follow you until the end,
Like the moon guides the tides, As long as you're in my life I know I'll always have a bestfriend.
You have molded my mind and soul
And for that I will be forever grateful.
You are more than a father to me,
*You are everything I've ever wanted to be.
She sat there in silence as tears streamed down her flustered cheeks.
The sound of her sniffing trying to hold them back, echoed throughout the room.
She was frozen.
She couldn't move, she could barely even breathe.
The light wasn't allowed in this room,
like love wasn't allowed in her heart.
It was all dim and dark.
Much like the tired eyes she had been wearing,
As a result of this nightly routine.
The air was thick and felt as though she was trying to breathe with her face pressed into a pillow.
Everything in her screaming for help but she sat there quietly, alone, engulfed in darkness.
**Slow self-suffocation at its finest.
I don't blame you that you don't know me, how you should of.
How could you,
**When I never even really knew myself?
I guess when it comes down to it,
We are all just chasing and running from certain ghosts that haunt our thoughts.
So we either go looking for them to try and ease our mind,
Or we run as fast as we can from them,
Hoping they fall far, far behind.
I love how I always seem to find the lies you tell me more attractive than the truth.
How you knew exactly what to say and how to say it.
I put the fault on myself though, for allowing those childhood lies of love and knights in shining armor, seep into my veins and run through my blood becoming something that I became dependent on.
I never wanted this to happen. I even asked you to stay away, but you didn't.
You thought it would be better to break me then to leave me already broken.
All I asked was for you to leave me be with my foolish dreams believing in something that doesn't exist.
I didn't need you to prove it.
— The End —