Can't sleep.
Bathroom.
Fill it up.
Bubble it up.
Get in.
Intrusive thought.

*

You'd be surprised.
Used to the purpose of cleaning
And pleasured times.

And I fantasize about suicide.
The sense of quietness and structure,
What most of us ambitions in life.

...

I feel like I'm floating in life.

I'm unemployed with a small child at home. I don't have the patience that I'd like to have with her. I want to play with her freely and with no worries about tomorrow. I want to make her feel loved unconditionally and protect her from everything.

I need to find a job that I like and that won't make me feel guilty from not being around her.

I'm living with the love of my life and I don't want to be always lashing out on him from being human. I don't want to pass him stress because I'm not in my best place, because I need more security, more confidence, more joy.

I don't remember what I like anymore and I just pass my time with whatever entertains my brain, and for a while I'm numb, I feel ok.

But I'm not okay.

I wonder if everything that is happening is because I'm not being my best and I'm attracting it.

At this moment I feel lost in my thoughts and I cannot run anymore from what I'm feeling.

Being quarantined is messing with my capability of a normal process.

I need to breathe and think of the next step to get up and live.

Don't know how many more times I've to say I'm not okay,
You give me silence... Silence...
And touches, and I don't want touches,
I want ******* words!

You don't stop asking what's wrong
I speak my heart, and then comes silence... Silence...
And the touches... Like, go **** yourself!

I am ******* tired, and in need of meaningful conversations.

I'm fading baby, I'm fading...

...

Funny how you multiply in so many directions,
But then you look in the mirror and you forgot to love yourself.

& you'll cry.
Please, forgive me,
I forgot you existed all over again!

Wobbly, dim and loud
It's the road to self-love.

Attention, everyone attention!
When I stopped talking,
I thought I heard you think
But only silence followed.

You're drowning me,
But I'm gonna take you with me!

Open your mouth,
Stick out your teeth
And practice the act of smiling.

Oh, ****.
Did you meant it?
Or was it just another fake it until you make it?

Hypocrite, look at me!
Opening my mouth to say "I'm fine"
But, oh, I'm burning inside.

Hypocrite, look at you!
Asking me how I am doing
But, oh, you really don't ******* care.

Emptiness crippling the walls,
Steps dragging the shallow bodies.
It's been too long since it was spoken,
& words feel as broken as scarce touches.

Call my name,
I've been lost in my thoughts.

Empty as a broken drawer,
The breathing slowing
Drowning in hollow thoughts.

You are alive but not living.
You are aware of nothingness.
& you are grooved in the habit.

I am empty,
broken,
slowing breathing,
& drowning in thoughts.

You are cemented...
There... that...

I am alone!

I'm fine. Yes, I swear
not overthinking it.
It's all in my head,
the lack of attention to the little details.
Sure, it's me that asks for too much,
not the lack of presence when around.

You're a time-bomb,
Seconds away from imploding.
Tick-tack! Get a holding,
You're about to be.

You don't measure your words,
And they tend to cut like knifes.

Waiting on the messy bedroom by the window,
Along strong mellow walls, begging to be heard.
Waiting for the moment you will look at yourself,
Let go of all the hurting built up inside corrupting lungs.
Feel the untouchable thoughts unstringing you from numbness,
Running fingers on an almost empty body, resurrecting to life.

Entering in my life as a storm,
yes,
that's how you invaded my space,
and took my guards down.

I certainly let you,
sure,
but you've done the impossible,
make me comfortable and feeling safe.

For that,
I'm thankful.

People like to talk,
and oh, they talk,
let 'em say whatever they have to say.

I know what you mean,
and we know what we are,
what we wanna built and
to where we're going.

Thank you,
for giving me security to be,
to live and to explore.

With you ,
I know I'm growing,
growing as an individual and
surely, as a person in general.

So let 'em talk,
opine about our life.
People are gonna give their opinions,
being asked about or not.
And while they're worried about our life,
I'm living it to the fullest.

You're overwhelming my senses.
****, my head's at hundred a second,
And the ride's driving me insane.
My body shakes with the intensity of what I've to say,
But, yet, silence takes over my being and I stay lost.

Lost between what I think,
Against what I feel.
Running once more in circles.
Ain't that the usual?

I'd let you hold my heart,
So you'd feel how heavy it is,
How my throat's hurting
And how my eyes are trying the hardest not to give in.

When was the last time I said what I meant
Without thinking about anyone else but myself?
I have been always at war with the voices inside my head,
Trying desperately to find my own.

Where's my button off?
I want to let go of all expectations,
Implications, overwhelmedness and restrictions.
What I should and shouldn't, I just want to be.

Weirdly, I find it easy to deal with what I can't have,
Than what I can reach and live it.
When was I told I'm not worthy of being valued?
So sick and tired of feeling oppressed by myself.

I am a poet.
I am a story teller.
I am untold stories about to be re-discovered.
I am the unburdened souls reborn.
I am about to be the stars that never were.
I am me.
I am undiscovered,
Untold,
Incomplete
And free.

I wonder why,
why am I unable
to sort into words
what I'm feeling.

Being attacked
by invisible forces
to connect you back
to my center.

Voices calling your name,
calling me back to you.
Calling me back to the uncertainty,
to the state between I can't but I will.

I want to change your mind,
but you're stuck between the I can but I won't.
They keep calling your name,
They find their ways .

Today was a good day.
I felt like myself,
The me that has been away at sea.
Little by little I'm filling the breaches
With patience and appreciation.
Day by day my heart whispers:
It's okay not to be okay
You're still changing,
Forgive and accept your decisions.
It is what it is
So rise above and shine brightly.

I can't breathe...
   left again.
      The words hanging,
         they fading.
            ...
               ..
                  .

Such a windy night...
Did you break all the windows?
Have you lost control?
You won't have what you want.

Oh, my dear...
Ain't nobody told you
To sleep with the light on?
Cause I'm gonna break your heart.

I beat you can feel it...
Is it already bleeding
Or are you telling yourself
You're okay?

Listen, follow me throughout my darkness
I'm gonna find all your lies.
And the moment you're covered in dirt
I'm gonna see you, you'll rise.

Did you thought I was gonna beg?
For a miserable piece of attention,
For a moment of "is it".
You thought wrong.

Hey, keep up the pace, play your chess game...
Your soul's gonna be mine
And I'm gonna break you
To the core, to your destination.

All your lies are soaked in ****.
Oh, but you can't smell it.
You're rotten inside,
Breaking piece by piece.

Come, follow me.
You think you're in control,
But checkmate, my friend...

I won.

There's a ******* train.
C'mon, don't you hear it?

Look, I'm not insane.
IT'S A TRAIN!
Don't you see it?

Dude, it's a train!
Don't you smell it?

Oh, I understand...
That's how love feels like.

Another day and another reality check.
But I keep finding ways to not give up on you.
Is it stupidity or pure belief it could be real?

I'm stupid, because it hurts the way you don't care.
Yet, I seem to care for the both of us,
When it's supposed to be two wanting something.

You don't want. That's the problem,
But still you keep giving me hopes.
Hopes in forms of smiles and simple attitudes.

Ahhhhhh, I scream, hoping to wake up
And not miss you at all.

It was nothing.
We were nothing.
We weren't.

*******.
I didn't want to care.
I wish I could hate you.

But I can only hate myself,
For letting you in and break my walls
Make me believe in something so unreal.

I have to move on.
I need to...

But how?

I don't understand how can a person keep trying to unlock a door that's locked so deeply or doesn't even exists. I don't know how does one get strength to move against something whose still, unmoved, untouched. How does one stay broken but picking up others pieces and try to restore something that can only be fixed by time and self-value. I know I'm whole cause I've been fine and myself, but why do I keep expecting others to want to be in my journey, my struggles and my wins, when they are too focused in themselves and their hate for the world? I can't explain how one's mind works, when I don't know how mine works. But still, I keep trying to understand you, to search for you, to know you, but you don't want me too. Or at least you don't show me you want me to. What to do when all I do is try? I don't stop thinking about giving up, but there's something in this, something that doesn't make me let go. It's a psychological torture, I know it is. I'm letting myself being torture by my cravings, my curiosity, my **** ******* feelings. I want answers, and I want them now! It takes time, but **** time. I want you to tell me the **** is in your head and where the **** do you think this is going. Is it asking much? I know we're different. We've lived different lives, different circumstances, different interactions. But in my world, my self-called world, when you want to know someone, you show them, despise the amount of time you have. I feel like I'm running against a tide. Tell me what you want, what you need, what you're thinking. Is it asking much? I guess not, but your mind works in mysterious ways.

I had so much to say but then I lost the courage.
You wouldn't want to hear them, I know.
I'm no good expressing what I want to,
When my heart's about to be throw out of my mouth.
The tightness on my throat intensifies and I stand quiet,
While my head's about to be blown away with so many thoughts.

Because every time we say goodbye,
It feels like I'm about to say something.
But then I look at you and I've all the answers.
I don't even know what that means.

You shake me to the core, I feel alive
And so afraid, that I'm the only one feeling that way.
You break my walls, the next second I'm building them up again.

Because every time we say goodbye,
It feels like I'm about to say something.
But then I look at you and I've all the answers.
I don't even know what that means.

Please, show me that you want to get to know me,
That you ******* care,
That you'll be there if I need.
I trust you so much. I can't understand how that happened.
You give me so much security when I look at you,
That everything's gonna be easier, even when you're ****** up inside.
How?

*Because every time we say goodbye,
It feels like I'm about to say something.
But then I look at you and I've all the answers.
I don't even know what that means.

It's 2:35 am,
I'm surrounded by close family
In a beautiful place,  close to the beach
And I'm full of sorrow, bitterness,
Heavy heart and broken promises.

I can't sleep.
So much I wanna do,
So much I wanna be.

So much opportunities,
So little money, so little luck.
My ambition has got to hold on.

I close my eyes
And the endless of chances start to narrow,
Swallowing me whole, breaking my bones.

I can't sleep.
So much I wanna do,
So much I wanna be.

I didn't want to give you the pleasure,
but I think you broke me.

[How do you break someone?]

My brain is drowned in fear,
I fear getting out of this cage called security.

[How does it feel to be broken?]

I was an art form, I was unique,
the way your touch invaded my space-
and kept my silent.

[How does one stay silent when it's being tortured?]

You gave me attention in all the wrong places.
I thought I wanted it and that I deserved it.

[silence]

Now, I can't let anyone in,
they are going to use me as a brush,
painting in my canvas without my invitation.

[I'm still silent... Why?]

Oh, you beautiful escape...
You reckon me back to life
Your sway echoes along the drafts
I'm complete when you're falling.

Each drop that falls,
Is a calling back to reality.
Witch stroke of wind,
Supports my dreams and caries my hopes.

Oh, you beautiful landscape...
Bring me into normality,
Shake my foundations,
make me smile through hard days.

Your images afloat my horizon,
And It's easier everyday,
Cause everything will get better,
When nature is pure and touchable.

Oh, you beautiful world...
Don't you ever change,
Keep holding hands, hold unto sacred love.
Live between solidary and reality.

Preserve humanity as the last resource,
To keep escapes and landscapes alive.

Why do you chase after somebody you can never have?
Cause you know it won't grow into something,
and you crave for a normalcy into wanting.

Why do you never want what wants you?
Cause you're afraid of what it can turn into,
and you run against anything that makes you feel.

Aren't you afraid you're gonna end up alone?
Yes. And that says a lot about my state of mind,
witch begins to turn me into something I don't want to be.

Cold hearted, bitter and remorseful.  
Not lonely of love, cause that I'm full of.

But with the fear of let go and be loved,
cause I'm used to myself and the thought of letting someone love me,
wrecks my walls and trembles my roof.

How do I let go?
How am I free?

I need to...

Is not just about
what you're eating.
It's also about
what you're thinking
and saying.

I'd like to start
preaching this.
We all should.

I dare you to smile often,
to open your arms and trust.
Trust there's good and you can reach it.

I dare you to dream with no restrictions,
to fill up your heart and prepare it for battle.
Battle for what you desire and never giving up.

I dare you to stop diminishing yourself,
to believe and challenge your horizons.  
You're an independent and strong human being.

I dare you.

I throw my hands in the air,
While my knees hit the ground.
I weep.

There's a tightness in my throat,
My heart is about to burst.
I weep.

My body stars to shake,
The numbness travels my veins.
I weep.

Blood shattered on the floor, as water.
Innocent bodies bottled up, like bottles after a party.
I weep.

As Gandhi said:
An eye for an eye only ends up making the world blind.
I weep.

I weep for humanity,
For the innocent victims of the cruelty of this world.
I weep...

There's a fear I can't shake.
It keeps boiling,
I can't shake it.

It's petrifying the way it takes my bones
And travels my veins.
It's petrifying me.

I don't know whether I try to control it,
Or just assume it as my own device.
'Cause either way it possesses me,
And demands my being.

I'm left shaking
And petrifying in doubts,
I'll never be good enough.

A whisper echoes
In the purest parts of my heart,
And it doesn't still.

What are the things that you want?
*What are the things that you dream?

I'm a left and I am deaf.

A thousand tears of broken words whispered in the silence of my solitude.
A broken glass reflecting the perfect reflection of my heart.
A stolen soul in exchanged of numbness mornings and empty bodies.
A beating heart on a dead soul. The longing of feelings that never left.
A hand on a floor against the demons in my head.
A miserable excuse for a reasonable action. The feeling so strong in a mess of a world.
A crying for help in a hopeless land.

I'm a left and I am deaf.

Don't let
the behavior
of others
destroy your
inner peace.

Don't let
them get
into your
head and
control you.

Don't let
the promises
of them
be the
only solution.

Don't let
them mold
and shape
you as
they please.

Be strong!
Be confident!
Be proud!
Be positive!
Be you!