I want to be reading
A geisha’s memoir
Sipping tea with you

Comforted
By your calm expression
like that undisturbed puddle
behind your parent's house
is that puddle still there?
or has it dried out like our love

Reading so fervently
as though it was a race
between the words on the page
and the excitement in your heart

It feels like home
cozied up next to you
in that single sized bed overflowing
with love and blankets

Its just an illusion
There is no you
It’s just me
Reading a geisha’s memoir
Alone without a drop of tea

10/04/08

The smell of bed hair
a gentle reminder
of cloudy mornings spent

An unshaven face
coarse to touch
but melts my heart
all the same

A deep exhale
of how long it’ll last
not long soon after
this playful love dance
ends too fast.

prologue:
A dance of ignorance
a game of who loved less
with silence our paths
stay unchanging
with my heart unattended
is it you that is missing?

Kiss me gently
Our hands together
All i long for is for
Clouds and rains

Bitter and sweet colliding
Melting together in darkness
Filling the void with blissful sighs

11/08/08

love is like going to the convenience store
spoilt for choice
love expires with one too many dates
like a bag of rotten artichokes
we choke on cringey first-liners
And fill our heads with expected desires
Of one hit wonders and lifetime memberships
To a loyalty card that doesn’t exist



29/08/08

Teach me how to fly
Cause when i choose
Its flight over fight

Still stuck in the boxes
Set up in black and white

Its okay,
No one can hear my plight

Im weak to the disaster
Victim to the light
Its an illusion people preach

Hear them now?
They’re speaking out
Pray for salvation
He’ll hear you out.

24/03/08

If we had only two hours
I’d hug you till we saw stars
Feeling every inch of your soul
Melding into mine as our time slips by

If we only had one hour
I’d hold your face to mine
And pour out whispers of my heart
Filling your ears with nothing but my love

If we only had half an hour
I’d kiss you so fervently
I don’t want you to go

But we couldn’t spend half an hour
Nor did we get an hour
I wished we had two hours
But all we have now
Is six thousand
Four hundred
And
Thirty five kilometres
Between us.

3/08/08

I feel the warm concrete
As warm as your chest pressed on mine
I feel the bright summer sun
As bright as your smile

Tangled up like lily pads
Hidden below the surface
Sprouting problems like weeds
Fighting through the cracks
As invisible as the trash littering the ground

Catching feelings
Quicker than a flame enveloping
Those corny love letters

24/03/08

I cant think of the words
Its unimaginable

It feels like I’m stuck in space
Gasping for air
That is the thought of you

Betrayed by my own flesh
The demons are out to play
Pulling at the strings
Making them frayed

Clutching at the strings
Of our memories
Of you and me


07/07/08

Dear _,

I’m writing this more for myself — a bold attempt to  let go of things carried quietly for too long.

Life. It’s hard, harder still when I’m tired, or hurting myself. On these hard days, the feeling of alone superseded the need to show up. But for the pieces of family that still matter to me. — for those who try their best to show up, for the memory of people we miss… In a world made of struggles, I never dare to ask for perfection.

A humble, tearful cry. I don’t want to feel invisible. I selfishly ask for love that means something more than shared dinners once a week.

Thoughts of you linger
Seeping through the cracks
Clouding up my mirrors
Faint whispers say yes

Hopes of a future it offers
Sweet temptations of the Devil
Ravenously chasing after thoughts
Constantly fearing what its not
Reality blurs quickly as i see
The distances between you and me

The day i stop writing of you
Will be when your face
Disappears from my heart’s view

I love that I can make you smile
A thousand miles away

I love that you always feed me
filling my tummy, heart and soul

I love that after every tussle
We end up in a warm cuddle

I love that you are silly
But i wish you were more like me

Our music tastes differ slightly
So we’ll just be together silently

I hope you show me more affection
please give me a more emotional reaction
With kisses and words filled with cuteness
Like this poem i wrote about us

Its not my first poem nor my last of us
Just as the days will past
I hope our love will last

26/12

The smell of bed hair
a gentle reminder
of cloudy mornings spent

An unshaven face
coarse to touch
but melts my heart
all the same

A deep exhale
of how long it’ll last
not long soon after
this playful love dance
ends too fast.



Prologue:
A dance of ignorance
A game of who loved less
With silence our paths
Stay unchanging
With my heart unattended
Is it you that is missing?




28/10/08

Try and try
It will never falter
My little friend will follow
From here on after
On the happy days and sad
It will never leave
As painful as it is

Its the shackles around my legs
Its the noose around my head
Its the hand that holds me back

Tell it to go away
And it’ll go stronger
Feeding off my energy
Like pop rocks and soda
Out with a pop and a fizzle
Giving in to my little friend
Its time to sleep forever
Life was good until it ends

04/04/08

This is why I loved you
So silly yet so kind
But you will never
Again always be mine

I wonder sometimes
If you’ll be alright

Because
To be alone in this world
It’s a never ending fight

I hope we both will be well
To soon find great love again

I will never forget the days
Shared between us
Where time for us
Stood still

Sorry
I’m not

your

Pretty

Korean

Girl

With brown locks

and a pouty allure

Sorry I couldn’t
Be

Worth a mention

To your inner world

Thoughts of you linger
Seeping through the cracks
Clouding up my mirrors
Faint whispers say yes

Hopes of a future it offers
Sweet temptations of the Devil
Ravenously chasing after thoughts
Constantly fearing what its not
Reality blurs quickly as i see
The distances between you and me

The day i stop writing of you
Will be when your face
Disappears from my heart’s view

Swipe swipe
Trying to fill that void
Voids that don’t let me feel

How cliche is it
To say that no one understands
Why theres a void
That its not hormones
Its not a thirst
Its just ******* sadness
Depression
Anxiety
What ever the ******* wanna call it
Its real
Its always there

Don’t try to shortchange it
Don’t try to tell me how to feel

24/05/08

Wish i didn’t have to
Pay someone fifty
to let taps run dry
Wish i didn’t need to
Chase my highs
Across the way
Under the fly
Wish i asked for directions
Still stuck in the tunnel
Wishing as the lights go by

Sunset on the road
instrumental jazz swaying
and its you that I’m missing
Or is it just your legs
Intertwined with mine

A kiss swept across my cheek
A hand steady on my back
Your voice keeping me
very much in love
With sounds of your voice

True to the stars
My heart like a crab
With a faux hardness
But with a simple twist
Everything falls apart

My heart has a hole
For fear and rejection
Makes it bigger and wider
Im stuck in that darkness
Unable to cry out
Because no one is listening

I’m so tired
Of being responsible
Of trying hard
Of being accountable
I just want to stay in bed for weeks
Eat till i feel sick
Scream and cry and hit the pain away
Till my skin is black and blue and hurting all over

Writing under a warm drizzle
Of chlorinated showers
Trying to forget the bitter regret
Of all the hellos and goodbyes
I see that face sitting in his car
I see another lying on my futon
That one holding my hand
Him, singing that song
He, wishing it was me all along

They’re all gone.

Its a curse i tell you.

30/04/08

If you're late,
there's no hurry.

If you're not ready,
just take your time.

If you're holding on
to the tiniest hint of resentment,
I'll understand.

No matter what,
I'll meet you there.

Just promise me,
you'll give me a chance,
to call you mom and dad again.

making analogies
to express how i feel
but it feels a bit patah

like when i tell my therapist
i feel like a cactus that needs orange juice
and they excitedly pen it down
but i dont even understand what i mean

but analogies dont work
when you need to explain to your lecturer
why you're always late
they don't work when you ffk your friends
" again?? this is the fifth time this month!"
but what can i say but,
" i just feel like an ocean with a door,
Paralysed as people keep opening and shutting up"
...
...

They wont understand.
Because my analogies are broken.
Like my a/c that refuses to stay cold
what use is an analogy is no one can understand?

18/04/08