She saw the world through a camera lens
And that's just how it was
With filters and Glares from strangers
Who didn't feel the sun
She took photos of the rain
And dewdrops on the grass
Of smiling warm faces
And things that were just crass
She dreamt of her pictures
Under bylines and over books
Her documents of others
Filled with stills that could speak words
She took pictures of her girl
Who was black and blue in depth
Who wanted to be colored
But her filter shown red
She captured her in pain
And in her rare bright smiles
She told her that things
"Just take a while"
She made portfolios and scrapbooks
Of their adventures and their muse
She never knew that her girl would take her life
At a quarter after two
She cried and cried weeks to days
Until the tears just stopped
When she took a photo of the rain
And felt her sadness drop
It shattered all around the floor
And she fumbled with the keys
She printed all the pictures
And posted them with ease
She scattered them around the town
Then fell down to rest
For she could feel a burden being
Lifted off her chest
she went to the school
Of the boy who had hurt her
And her girl
She stood up
She told them
"Has she finally done enough?
She ripped her skin with blades
And fasted for days.
She lit skin on fire
Just because you are liars.
Look at this picture
Do you see her
Look mister
She was beautiful
Yet you made her feel
Like she was void of zeal
You're the ones who told her what to do
And she took her own life
Just like you told her to do.
Are you happy now!
Or are you feeling blue
Are you regretting what you told her to do!"
And with a single crack
Of a baseball bat
she took a picture
Of there bodies cracked shells
As she plumbed them to hell
She saw that red filter
And she felt the pain inside
She could feel herself laugh
Mania arise
The she took one final shot
A picture with the the two
Then killed herself to rise anew
And she got her picture under bylines
And became famous for her art
For everyone loves the artist
Who kills for their art.

Everyday you ask why I love you
You say
"Why do you you love me when I put you through Hell.
When I push you into your shell,
And I never give you a straight answer.
You say " Why do you love me when I can't love you back,
And when I have all these mood swings."
Well this is what I say.
I love you because you are like my Asthma.
I didn't chose to have you here with me all the time, but you are.
You are here to make my life harder,
But you also make me stronger.
When the voggy winds blow
And it gets hard to breathe
It is you falling.
Yet I pick that Inhaler of mine up
And I take two deep breaths,
and I lift you back up.
As my breaths become clearer.
I know that I will never be able to breathe as well as others.
Just as I know I will never fall out of love for you.
You are the chronic lung disease that forces me to try harder.
The person that makes me try my hardest when I'm singing up on that stage.
You motivate me.
It is you that is always on my mind
When I have to try hard to take breathes instead of just breathing.
When I am running and my lungs start to choke me, it is the pain I feel every time I see you with him instead of me.
Because Love
You are my lung disease.
You are the funny noise my breath makes when I dance,
Because the Oxygen doesn't want to go in.
And when you touch me I feel the buzzing sensation that I get when taking my albuterol.
The warmth of my Nebulizer as it vaporizes the medicine for me to breathe.
Every kiss you plant on my head, fills me with the dizziness that I get from my medication
When I try to stand up, I end up falling just as hard as I have for you.
You are the relief I feel when I take my
Meds on a bad day, you make me feel normal again.
That's why I love you.
That is why I don't care if you're with him instead of me.
Because you will always be with me.
Just like my lung disease.

Sarah
Sarah is a virgo
 but she is no ******.

She is full of experience,

and im not talking about ***, or drugs.

( though she had her fair share.)

Im talking about life.

Sarah hasnt lived in a fairy tale,

but if she did,
 she would be a prince.

She is charming,

bold,

kind,

and tenacious.

Sarah would **** a dragon

just to make sure you were safe.

She will make you laugh,

and iron soap,

Dancing as she watches you with

her precious knowledge of Amity.

Sarah will hold you when you cry,

and she will tell you its okay to be sad.

Sarah had her vision turn gray when she was a child;

words tore at her skin,

but she is still alive.

Her vision turned back to technicolor

but that doesn’t mean it won’t turn back to gray.

Sarah dosent like to talk about herself,

but you can talk to her,

She will help you see the world.

If you can’t see the flowers

Sarah will hold your hand and 
sing you a picture.

Sarah holds all of her friends,

there names taped to the front of her heart.

She plants her seed of friendship

deep in the roots of your garden.

You dont need to meet her more than once,

you can tell that she is always there.


Sarah can be mean,

but thats just cause shes tired.

Sarah carries the troubles she has with her,

they are wrapped with the sign 
“do not enter”

but she dosen’t let them weigh her down.

Sarah dosent ask for help 
she is given it,

and she will always return the favor

but she will complain about you giving

even before you finish your task.

Sarah is a mystery,

She smokes a lot of 
cigarettes

but she still

smells like 

Sarah.


She is far from perfect,

she animates her life with overdramatic hand movements

and tells her wisdom with sonnets or

Monologues from act i scene ii,

She plays overtures from her heart,

and talks lyrics from her soul.


Sarah is a musical of a life 
full of future.

She is a name in lights 
not yet recognized.

Sarah hasn’t finished her life yet,
but she is the lines

of poetry, and songs

not yet written.

Sarah adds years to peoples lives.

Sarah is a friend,

and im happy to know her

even if a short minute of her hourglass

is all I ever see.

3 days ago I cried for the first time in 5 months.
I felt a drop or two, as my body heaved in pain
and desperation.

I thought I forgot how to cry.
I thought that I had the ability to be stronger than that
Or that the veins that constricted
my deamons
Were indestructible.

I was wrong.
I can cry
And I can feel
But the feelings haven't changed from then
I feel weak.
I want my strength back
I don't want a constant tug at the back of my throat.
I broke.
I want to be fixed.

Resonate sounds
Confounding to my ears
Is it Phillip Glass?

Cherish the little things
Cherish the little things
Iike good morning texts
Good morning smiles
And greetings from friends.
Cherish the hugs lasting a little longer
The smiles just for you
And the gleem in the eyes of those
held close.
Cherish the laughter of loved ones
And the sound of wind blowing
The glitter in the dew
And the sound of conversation.
Cherish silence
Music
words sent in silence
And love said in looks.
Cherish the sound of pages
And words captured in ink
In pencil
Dancing
Singing
And paint.
Cherish words that will never be said again
In love
And words of love meant to be repeated.
Cherish the second chances
And moments spent in purity
Moments spent living for small little things.
Cherish your beliefs
And hopes.
Hopes for better days.
Cherish those better days.
Cherish smiles
Cherish friends
Cherish what you can,
Because they are the most precious things.
Cherish I Love You
Cherish I Miss You
Cherish Warmth and Comfort
Cherish morning coffee
Little touches
Sunbeams
Rain
Clouds
the sights and sounds.
Cherish what you can.
It can disappear in a moment.

Einstein and Phillip
Hand in hand on the beach
It's an OTP

Soft and silky you cross round my neck
You smell like tinted ***
your color makes me worried
for I cannot run
You encircle
hold me down
Yet your warmth is
so confound
you bring color from my cheeks
a tribe of specks and fleets
your spindled gentle down
easily sets me down
As I slowly die
Tears rundown and fly
for the scarlet brings me to defeat
my throat scattered with ribbons
as a Red Scarf flows down

So, I picked You
some Flowers
to tell you some lines
it was a message from me
instead of stanzas
and rhymes

I wanted to convey
that I was sorry and blue
I wanted to say
Lets start our
Friendship Anew

I picked you Some
Flowers
They made a colored net
of words and phrases
That I had wished to send

You haven't forgave me
You tried to push me away
I wont ever give up
not till my dying day

You may have let my flowers
wilt and turn to dust
But I have not wilted
And fix this I must

You are my friend
and we all make mistakes
I wont let our friendship
fall to this wake
I forgave you
Now its time to let me
fix our mistakes
so Don't Forget Me
For I have picked you
"Forget me not's"

You know,
we give a little bit of ourselves
to everyone we know.
And we hope they will cherish it
and care for it
But the truth is they end up
abusing it.
That's why everyone is *******
And we all act crude
Because no matter what
We're killing each other everyday.

Loving you is like walking on broken glass
Shards sticking into my ****** skin
Memories of you
The pain of cuts for all the mistakes I made
And the blood as red as my searing desire

You are as scattered as the glass
But I am not glue

I'm air

So thin and brittle
Cold and harsh
But caring
I cannot melt you so your fixed
But I can hold you with my love
And keep you as well as I can

Don't tell me
My love is any less than fire
Or the sand and rock you come from
Cause each as the power to break and fix you

But only I can keep you firm
Holding you in assurance
And even in a broken state
I will caress you
My love
My shattered glass

It was in an empty hall
I heard the crack
It was like,
Glass shattering.
My smile
The picture of seventh heaven.

I heard the sound,
A child’s laughter.
The very essence of
Childhood.

A girl in ivory silk.
A bouquet of Cypress and Thistle.
Took hold of my hand,
her’s feeling like
reapers mirth.

In the graceful steps
of a dance
We waltz though the halls.
In the distance
I hear the chatter of life,
as it mourns of its
Forsaken Child.

I walk down the cold hallways
the vibrant color of light
bleeding out
like bleach to
a stained world

The hooded man
collecting it as penance
He walks behind us
his aura dark as
my ivory girl.

She leads me to a
room covered in twin
Glass walls
Bars first positioned in front
only to keep oneself
from killing the Reflection.

As she leads me
to the center of the,
Glass castle

Worlds of delirium
reach to my body.
Touching, pulling, violating
Words of the glass reflection
that stares back
and takes
my every movement.

As I stare again,
I see my ivory angel
she giggles in the reflection
sounding like chiming bells.
Her skin pure
like a porcelain doll

She cracks and shatters,
as my ears hear
The distant lament of lucidness.
The world blight,
Eroded to red.
Bittersweet mania,
flashed in my eyes.

I almost felt the kiss
of fragmented
Reflection
Scarlet,
dancing with
me in metallic glory,
As I fell through the Glass Castle
of the hooded man’s laugh.

My skin flushed and rouge,
chest rising and falling
in sync with yours.
Oh how you whisper in my ear,
how I wish I could be as pleased as you.
Guiltily my body relishes in the afterglow
knowing inside the depth of our act,
the sin of a desired scarlet.

You hold me, arms holding me like
The branches of a tree,
strong and balenced.
Your hands warm on my heart hurt me so.
Don't you see the shroud of gloom covering my features
The Subconscious of a bride.

Shivering you pull me close.
How I loved to map your body,
questioning what made your body tingle.
To watch you shiver like golden leaves.
Yet I know now the conciquence of our mirth.
Can't you see the deviance our love held,
the hand of all morals held in hand
Broken at the wave hitting shore
as we sang to the goddess Artimes.

Our bodies mold in a scandelous embrace
intwinded like twins, a woven braid.
A mothers death above from our act,
bravery the soul of promise.
Darkness leaving as a dawn hits your face,
as we lie in your loft.
Our bodies emitting the perfume of ****** plea
With my heart beating guitily.

Why do I even try.
Every time it ends worse than the last. Every time I feel more dejected and broken than before.
Every time the cracks get deeper.

I try so hard you know.
Whenever you feel down I'm there for you like a shadow.
I hold my arms out to you like a hospital, waiting to take you in.
Yet you break me down.
You shun me so harshly like ****** to the Jews.
You treat me like a child's toy, and only play with me when you want to.
Is this what I am to you.
Is my love so insignificant that I am only a fly.
A pest so easily pummeled and smashed to the floor.

Is this love?
A emotion so strongly bonded with hate.
Placed so highly that when your beaten body falls,
you don't even feel yourself hit the ground.

Tired

I am tired
I really am
please don't question why
cause I feel a hurricane
tearing at the roots of my sanity
a weight bearing down at my shoulders like rain
yes all I did today was wake up and walk around
yes I didn't leave the house
yes I am just 16

but my energy left with the
openings of sunrise
the cradle that whisked me to sleep
never stops rocking
I am swinging back and forth
wondering when the lullaby will end

so please
Mom
don't ask me why I'm tired
when I have done nothing
I just am
it is hard enough to move
my best friends Depression and Insomnia
hold me in there grasps
It won't matter if I get sleep
Or when the light goes off
I do not want to move
but I do

I drag myself to school
work
my friends
I have many things to do
but this everlasting shadow never leaves
it covers me like a wedding veil
obstructing my vision
I don't know where it comes from
I do not welcome it with open arms
I will forever wish to feel the kiss
of a good nights rest
or a day where I don't have to hold life
like a deadlift

let me rest
let me lie down
because i never really woke up

I had stood at a food truck in New York's full streets
crowded by the people with jobs and other feats
I stood there with some friends waiting
time passed by
all of us worn and tired
needing a restful eye
They brought you to me
you their fellow friend
for I was new
I hadn't known you then
They embraced you with kindness and affection
That was when I noticed your complexion
Your skin was white as the winter snow
It was from then I knew I couldn't go
They brought you to me
and then you tugged me in
you greeted me and made me feel like I was drunk on gin
I was so distracted by your dusty blue eyes
I didn't even hear the cooks cry
but when I returned you already had left
and I felt the tug of a heartstrings fret
I know you now
but back then I never knew
but I remember that after
I always looked for you
and your hair
A bold blond hue

It wasn't expected
The way her hand
Intertwined with mine
Beauty snuggled gently
Into my skin
And slowly confidence
Grasped back

If I ever had a time machine
or something of the like.
I would travel back in time
to when you were maybe
seven or eight.
I would tell you things were going
to go down hill
I would tell you that you were going to cry.
That life would seem hopeless.
That your childlike dreams would die soon.

But I would also tell you that you'd grow.
You would grow to be so strong
like a eucalyptus tree.
So that no matter how many times you are burned;
you'd survive.
That you would want to **** yourself.
But  sweetie. That's okay.
Because living is what proves you're strong.
I'd tell you that through all this ****,
you'd have friends.
Yes, at some point they'd leave this
stupid island.
But that's alright.
They won't ever really be gone.
I'd tell you that one day we would be friends.
That I'd want to hold your hand.
And that you would talk to me about
a man.
Well men.
I'd tell you that I'd make mistakes
and that we'd hurt eachother.
But brothers stay true to the end.
Friends will always make mistakes.
The forest will always burn.
But it's our whole ecosystem that
holds us togeather.
So I hope you would do the same.
If you found a time machine,
and convince me of life and hope.

1

1:00am in the morning dark
I take breath of vapor
And a swig from a jar

2

I’m trying to escape
But the glass is slippery
It’s an upward incline
Almost straight but curved just so
Like a smirk as I tumble just bellow

3

The liquids like fire
It Burns
But I like it
A crutch like so many before
But an item
Not a person
So much more dependable.
A item cannot leave you
You must loose it
Or leave it yourself

4

Looking at an almost empty bottle
I cry out
No tears come
But ripples crack the surface as I shake
I used to cry
But misery scared
Left tears behind.

5

Pain claws through vocal chords
To strained to speak
I will not cry
I will not wail
Speaking scares people away
brings pain. The loss in broken rings.
As the sun rises peaking behind
Tinted mountains
I smile
Red ribbons tie a mask.
I am optimistic
I am happy
I will be what is needed
I will never again lose someone from sadness
I Am Happy

I left a little of my love for her in the waters edge.
The rise and fall of the tide, tinted gold by sunset.
I remember how she loves the beach.
The feeling of warmth,
Being kissed by the sun,
cooled by the bubbling serine waters.
I left a little of my love for her in my dance shoes.
The twinkles of a rhythm in every step of tele-tones.
The beauty and hardship in my grishkos.
I remember how much she loves to dance.
The energy in her body as she danced across a floor.
Lightning, glowing plasma moving strong and sharp.
Summoning pure love for her craft with every step.
I remember how she could completely change for a dance,
Become someone, something, so different from the girl I saw inside.
I left a little of my love In the music.
Allowing my fingers to play for more love,
More love.
Kissing each note that left my lips
Telling them
Find her,
Reach my love for me
Each note sung for her like a siren
‘Feel my love. Know it. It is the truest thing of me.
It is my song.’
She always said she loved my voice.
And and I would sing only for her.
I left a little of my love in the poetry.
In FaceTime chats,
Helping her write lines for class,
Her flustered tones,
As she struggled writing the prose
That so easily came to me in starlight.
When I was in love.
Every poem was about her,
My love.
The lines of my heartstrings
Written in rhythmic prose
I could have written about her forever,
How her hair bounced like fizzy pop
The way she walked,
As if she were always onstage.
I fell in love with the rhyme in her steps.
I left a little of my self with her
I don’t know if she can feel it.
The love I left with her,
A letter with a return address.
She may never send it back,
But it will always be there in her,
In friendship.
I am waiting for the first meeting
To relive the first time we talked.
I do not need lost love,
Yet I miss friendship lost in time step,
The amity in backstage jokes,
And crocheted scarves.
So
Should she ever need love,
I will always be here for her.

I danced on a butterfly's wings
Hoping it would guide me
Teach me to be free
From the darkness inside of
Humanity's plea
Take me away from
Darkening streets
The prowl of a lost world
Who can have hope
For the definitions lost
Our worlds in
Black and White
Never shall it see Paradise
It was tattered and ***** long ago
For innocence is a flaw
Our life in its Naivety
Is only but appalled
For the silver wind
A butterfly's gin
Can only blind so far
Ache and pain
Of no gain
The sky lost euphoria
The flowers nectar is no such ****
The cure is not in its life
For a elixir can't help the fact
We have Lost
Humanity cannot flutter
Over its deathly sin
Our deplorable hearts
Deathly acts
We have long gave in
We are endless horror
In our stubborn plight
For we know that we can't win
A butterfly can't fly so high
If it was dead to begin with

Light
Is is bright?
can it be true
or is it a ruse
for bright can only be seen
if you are in-between
in a land in a dark vail

Is light really there
or is it the glare
the spot of hypnotic kin
the plight of the night
that wants a friend
like a brother to go within

For within the dark
we couldn't start
to see what is around
so maybe then
light is the friend
of dark that shows us beauty

Metalic and Cold
press to my veins
in a coveted hold
your kiss is my lead
you help my stead
you clear the fright inside me

If only for a moment
you transfix me
the rise of scarlet waves
it splits the seas
only for me
my freedom lovers light

The calm washes down
to                  my   frown
      lift   up  
pure like holly water
to panting breath
you give me yet the sight
high as a laughting cloud

You save me yet
a mighty net
sterling clean and sharp
my friend your intuition
Lets me stay in commision
             My

Blood          Drops

For                  Me
       To       See

I need to move on
I need to leave
I cannot stay in this poisonous sea
knowing you will never return to me
the love I gave away
You treat it like 96pence
and I need someone who will treat it like $100's
like they just won the ******* lotto
and they just dont know how to feel

My love cannot be the the tree that holds you up
when you are carving love notes into every sycamore and pine
Im just plain oak
I cant paint my leaves
and wear the perfume of flowers to keep you with me
you have to want to stay
Because I cant play this game.

I shouldn't need to be
your fall back in love.
The one you keep around to feel good
because I am tired
and if you want me around,
then you better start trying.
If you dont.
Then I will just have to start a fire
because my heart cannot shatter anymore than it already has.


I gave all I could
You were what I lived for
but I realize now,
That I would also **** myself over you.
You are the clay that molds my comedy and tragedy
and I am not some damsel in destress
because Alice
I am mad as ****

These walls of porcelain may be pretty
and I may be as fragile like a china doll
but that dosen't mean I wont fight.
I want to be someones light
who will keep them up at night.
I want to be the one on someones mind.
The person that they will see in the morning and smile for.
But most of all
I want to be loved

So love me or don't
I just need some hope
because I dont want to be hanging on this string
Im not a toy,
or some little boy
Im not going to wait forever.
Love you
I will.
A first love can ****.
But I think I can survive the fall

feelings.
why do i feel so much
i can feel the drag as wind crashes toward me
but i can also feel into the
crevices of my metaphorical heart
why am i feeling
these emotions in apathy to the empathy
of a drudging drag from the burnt cinders of the cigarette
we are burning out
and yet we are not lit
the poison singes me
it is addictive
but the pain
oh the pain is wonderful
this masocistic sonata
lets the complex of the beaten child
stumble
holding together her life with tape
as she trembles
stealing back a sob
the knife in her throat
tearing at her dignity
you are in love
you are useless
you will die
tomorrow
today
never
you are afraid to die
the coward in life
sitting in the corner
feel helpless as the world lives without you
you are the fringe, torn paper of a tome
you have no story written for you
what can you do undirected
you are small
you are weak
the madness is cackling at you
how lonely is it
to be alive
the corner is dark
but the jaded world cannot be restrained
sit tirelessly and live
you have no control
you sit listening
you have no opinion
you are nothing
**** comes to you
your death is the pleasure of those who know you
laughter
it is the wine of celebration
there is no doubt
you are replaceable
you will be replaced by a better
you will be forgotten
no one cares to turn a cheek
no one wants pain
you feel a dreaded cold
you will welcome it
drag the silver
and bring crimson from its grave
punish your soul
you are stealing time from those around you
you are the burden kind people pity
they allow you there presence
you should grovel
no Stand
they dislike your inferior stance
be strong
No they do not want your voice.
you are selfish
speaking your mind
let the cracks deepen
there aches of nothingness deepen your pool of
pain. where is happiness.
happiness is a girl.
a girl who keeps her pain to herself
she is the embodiment of a devil.
temptress.
giving you the confection of love
it is painful to sit in her shadow but it is glorious.
you look to her
and her image makes your song warble
and her antics make you free from
the earth on your shoulder
yet you know she is dead
she is not alive
she has died long ago
her shell existing in the panes
atlas hands guiding her
she is fading
yet you will cling
you have tied your red strings to her
and butchered yourself with nails to keep her down from the lofty chants of silence.
your death bed is her
and you loathe her
you long for her
your love chases hate with a wag in his tail
how gleeful is death he calls
the tear of innocence is the price of a youth
and now you lie
shaken
ragged from her
and yet she is everything
the paradox of emotion
is the warp of wood and the rotten apples core
the gore of it all
it is full of mirth
fools are not in love
it is the realist that tumbles under its weight
you cannot box the feelings
or tell them what to do
trapped in the strings of a marionette
you are an automaton with a key held by her
and she will wind you up
wind you up,
wind you up,
to hear the same song, and see the same show
you cannot say no
you are lost
and numb
the lackluster in your eyes sings
sweet melodies of a mortition
and you will keep feeling
you will keep living
you will keep dying
you will keep
you will

I watch for the butterflies
Everywhere
I see them
Floating in air
Prophets to my eyes
They fly alone
Together
They drift
Come together
Die…
They show me the future
And that’s how I know
Where the chrysalis grows
And when it will hatch
Of Happiness
Or
Sadness
Just the same for my path

1
In constant consonance
Love, in it's minimalistic sonata
Plays a slow stitched waltz
Into the cough syrup
Haze of memories

2
When love was just a
Second-hand suggestion
A rebellious rose
Reaching recklessly
For a remarkable reaction
Finds a score left unfinished
From years past

3
In pointe shoes
Two bodies dance a
Painful coloratura
Yet in the midst of
This pa de deux
Love remembers contentment

When I was young I wanted a man
a knight in shinning armor
you know those guys
who never cry
that save you from the dragon

Then I realized
that in the castle with a knight
that they can hurt you too
they can trap you on a bed
whatever the plea
you can end up on your knees
so sometimes the dragons best

So in the present times
all i can do is bow
and hope one day for the best
I mean I like girls
but I don't need a pearl
I want a girl who can fit with my turtleshell

Sure she could be trouble
but we'll make it double
and she'll teach me her ways
i'll teach mine
I won't judge her flaws
because of the cause
it was a part of her life

I want
no I need
a girl who is
weak and strong
who can see through my mask
while I see through hers
and hold her tight

That girl who knows my secrets
and I hers because our souls intertwined
where the darkness could consume
Yet not destroy
for we had already had our drinks of their wine

I need a girl with a past like mine
and a future we could intertwine
we don't have to get married
or have kids
who has the time?
But to look into just tomorrow
for an ebony sky

I Love You.
I still do.

I remember the feeling of love

like a blanket.

Wrapped warm round my heart,

shielding it from the

frigid cold of anxiety,

keeping me sane from the

wallows of depression.
Waking up to you,

sun caressing your face.

When your eyes fluttered open

they shimmered gold

the prize of kings

yet in reach

of my trepid hands,

confident in the glow of your love.
As my towers crumbled down,

castles torn by the

catapults of panic.

Swinging strong,

crashing into my masks,

cracking walls of my heart,

you could not save me.

I never needed a hero.

Just a healing song,

wrapping wounds

after war torn battlefields

lilies growing hope in the wreckage.
Yet your heartstring clung to mine,

crimson as my blood.

Tugged to tightly,

struggling to hold me

as you held yourself.

Shadows nicking your heals,

as they crawled up my body to reach yours.

Some sacrifices are not worth making.

Some people must be left to the aftermath.

Some hearts cannot be salvaged from shadow.

You couldn’t bare the weight of me forever.

So you let go,

You saved yourself.
For that,

I am thankful.

I could never stand to see you drown

in my ocean.

Not when you are still attempting to
tread through yours.
But your lighthouse,

still a sight for my eyes.

I believe in the light,

I love your light,

I struggle to the surface of

the pitching waves.

Crashing on my face,

salt sticking to red flash eyes,

strangling my throat.

I crawl to the top just to

catch a glimpse of you.
Wishing for the days

where you would

sail out on your lifeboat

and hold me in the storm.

Just making sure i could still swim.

Just to see if I was okay.

To answer your question.


It is still hard to breathe underwater.
I swim through waves

steadfast, as they churn

mockingly. They can see my weakness.

But I love you,

that is enough.

I will keep paddling,

listening to my heart,

the beat of my hands and feet.

Slashing through the violet tides,

I will reach shore.

You will never have to sacrifice yourself

again.

I will reach the shore.

I will reach for you.

You are the moon
People stare at you
Gaze at the light you can give
to the darkest night
But the moon hides secrets in the darkness
As asteroid feelings collide
Creating scars fresh on the surface
Craters, hiding a glowing soul
The moon shines bright in shadows
But in the daylight
She is gone
No one sees her
No one stays up all night to watch her
Yet when the sun stands in front they do
Her fame is in their shadows
She is nothing without the stars
And sun
She is gray
She is nothing
She is what others want her to be
Yet so sad in lonesome
That she will change face during months
And finally
You can see through her mask.

Sitting on the gloss ebony bench of the stand up, I think of you. The shine of the ivory keys reminds me of your smile. Brilliant pearl teeth pulled back to the most stunning smile. Almost always your head tilted slightly to the right.
Placing my hands on the chilled keys, the air conditioner on even in these winter days. I think of your old house with the ever opened door, and the fan making ambient noise in the background. The way I would always joke to my friends that you were very hot, and the shocked look on their face that I used common day slang to describe looks. The laugh I would hold back as only I knew I was describing the seemingly everlasting heat in your house, and the small amount of night clothes you wore because of it.
Looking through sheet music, I fish through the book for a song to play. Frustrated and unable to find any of them interesting, I play random chords. Stringing notes together I hit a single note, and suddenly a song comes to mind. Nameless, I hit D6 again, then again. Like nostalgia slowly my right hand reminisces to the next note, and the next, left hand taking after it. Slowly my hands flood the keys with memories, melodies reminding me of the way you would dance. Each movement linked to the next, as if it were a fluid conversation.
Slowly my eyes begin to fill with tears and I begin to shake. Eyes filling to the brim, I swallow the pain in my throat and allow myself to finish the song. Last notes reminding me of how it had all started. The simplicity in a simple greeting, and the resonate sound of your absence.
Hitting the last chord I quickly wipe the tears from my eyes, and sit at the piano, willing myself, not to give into the emotions I feel. I know better than to express that sort of emotion. It’s utterly useless to express emotional pain. It only takes away and never gives. Optimism is a gift to others. If you express your sadness it will only allow you to get used to showing it. I’ve learned it’s better to hide it.
Hearing my father walking into the hallway, I place my hands on the keys and tilt my head down. Feigning contemplation, and smiling as he passes. He asks if I’m making progress, and forcing a laugh I say yes. So he moves to the door on the other end of the room and leaves for the backyard.
Looking back the keys, I force a grin. Hoping I can smile the pain away. Chest tightening as I reach for the binder of musical theater songs next to the piano. Remembering when I had first bought it to hold a song I planned to learn for you. Opening it, I find the song in side pocket.
“Prologue”

There are moments
When I think I’m over you
The way you held my hand
Tightly, as if to make sure I was there
The way you looked at me
Lovingly, as if I mattered
The way you hugged me
Willingly, I didn’t have to ask
The way you talked to me
Honestly, so I didn’t feel stupid
Then in a moment
Remembrance of the way you left
Fled so quickly
As if I didn’t matter
There was no goodbye
Only sorry
I was not good enough
Not worth trying for
Then in a moment
I think of you as you are now
So happy
So free
And I smile
Your happy
And that’s what matters
I cherish what was
And I’m happy for what is
The pain is something worth coping with
And in a moment
I am over you again

You are tall,
well taller than me.
Fawn skin, soft
even after relentless beach days
in the scuffing sticky water.
Hands still warm
as if the sun never set from your soul,
lighting up the frozen lake of my heart,
and thawing me into a comfortable spring.
I look into your eyes,
pools of golden honey,
deep and full of your gentle love.
Hair the color sweet cola
flows to your shoulders,
and bounces
like fizzy bubbles as you walk.
Your body an hourglass bottle,
lips addictive vanilla pillows
Laughing like wind chimes in the breeze, swelling with confessions of love
for moments we will never get to have
Promising happiness for what we can.
Strolling together in July air
Your feet glitter on the floor,
creating an orchestra in the street.
You dance starlight into existence,
and are the apollo of another day.

I wish I could be a mirror
So that when you looked at yourself
You could see what I see
The intense beauty you hold
So you could see every detail I see
From the little tics
To the curve of your lips
When they pull back the curtains
and reveal a smile
That makes sunbeams seem dull
I wish you could see yourself
Through my eyes
So that you may look
At your own reflection
And see the gem you are
You are the greatest gift
And I thank the pools of stars
In your eyes for loving me
Everything you are
Plays my heartstrings
To equal the sound of a orchestra
And I shiver to the sound of your voice
And the pools of your depths
As you pull me into the ocean of love
You are a goddess
Curves of marble slim and fit
Smooth silk skin
Tender
As you look of Diana
hunting
Under my moon
Let me reflect your beauty
So you can love yourself
The way I love you
Because you deserve nothing less
Than to feel the love you have given me
Twice fold
And see the color you have brought to my life

Catch me,
Please. Someone.
Before it is to late
I can feel myself
Falling to the floor.
Seams are starting to rip.
The blood is hitting the floor.
Can't anyone help me.
Will I even listen to help.
The beautiful glistening is
A hypnotic spells melt.

Help me please!
Or maybe just sit.
It was always like this,
Friendship is a hit and miss.
You stare at them all
Pleading for help.
They never stare back
Never notice the welts.

They can't see you falling.
The cracks just don't show.
I guess a happy smile,
Is all that's needed to throw.
They don't look close enough
And even when they do,
They never say anything.
They just smile to.

So maybe I don't need help.
I can fall and be free.
Sterling light calls, beckons me
So maybe it's heavens plea.
From the Angles and Demons
Who live inside me.

Let them take me
Eat all my will.
They may feast,
I never will.
My body grows weaker
Yet I will not cry
I have given up.

I have Fallen...

Goodbye.