Stop
Tearing me apart
Only to ask why I can't
Put myself back together

"tip-tap, tip-tap"

I keep my head down as walk through the halls
My shoes are ***** I need to clean them, just don't make eye contact

"tip-tap, tip-tap"

I look up quickly before I bump into a blue shirted young girl
I mumble an apology I know she won't hear because I can't manage to actually say it

"tip-tap, tip-tap"

I stumble into the room, bright and inviting, not intimidating
I see the only two faces that'll smile at having seen me today

Probably the only ones who'll notice me

"tip-tap, tip-tap"

I find my seat in the corner next to the fish with the funny name and finally exhale
I can say the first thing I'll say out loud all day

"Hi."

I'm okay. I know I'll be okay.

What makes you happy?
  Is it the smile of the one you love lying next you, still asleep?
  Or the bittersweet commercial of a loved pet that makes you weep?
  Maybe the look that person you desire gives you that makes you weak?
  Perhaps overcoming that conflict that forced you to your knees?
  A moment in the mirror where you proudly accept what you see?
  Or you laugh and feel genuinely satisfied because for once you feel free?
  Maybe the scars healed over and the pain ceases to be?
  Is it when you can finally do something out of want instead of out of need?
  You can breathe again after years of suffering through grief?
  The love of your life promises to always be there to provide you relief?
  Tell me please
  What makes you happy?

I send a smile into the world and it's all for you

I laugh at a joke until I cry and it's all for you

I kiss those soft delicious lips and it's all for you

I make a fool of myself to see a grin and it's all for you

I take off my clothes and let go of my dignity and it's all for you

I let this fire burn me to ash and it's all for you

I jump off this cliff and break my neck and it's all for you

I feel frozen inside like winter and it's all for you

I turn into the monster underneath children's beds and it's all for you

I become the same nightmare that keeps me awake at night and it's all for you

I rip off my skin and bleed out what's left of who I was and it's all for you

Now you're gone

I don't know who I am anymore and it was all for you

I like the ivy that grows in the stones
In every crevice it finds a home

A place it will find, always one to belong
A nuisance to many, but of them I'm quite fond

I wish to be an ivy plant and make way as I please
Riddle the world with my beauty, though my beauty is weeds

The condfindence of an ivy, such a sight and a treasure
I wish to be an ivy but to an ivy I cannot measure

Happiness is a mission and everyone is engaged
Obsessed with getting their piece of this "golden age"
But then there are others who sit inside when it rains
Because dancing isn't always the way to **** your pain

We can't all just smile when we're happy
Some hold in the joy to make it last a little more
Knowing expectations are to be flawlessly satisfied
Even when you are shaken to your core

"Don't conform" and individuality is a trend that doesn't mix
With those who aren't grinning ear to ear
True emotion is shunned and devalued
In this world where it's too cliche to care

I'm a poem in the back of your notebook,
the one that slipped your mind.
You began writing it with the fiercest of intentions,
but all forgotten once something else caught your attention.
It happens with all things in time.

Hey there
I caught ya staring
Got your attention
Was it these earrings
I knew that you would like em
So I went straight out to buy em
For you

Hey darling
You look so perfect
With your hair so messy, and so tussled and I'm lurkin
'neath the covers
Oh how I wish I was your lover

Oh you're so sweet
Like strawberries
Or cold ice cream
And I love you
***
Oh you're so fine
Babe, please be mine
Just give me time
Cause I love you

Oh honey
You're a dream
A perfect moment
Or a long forgotten memory
Now that I know ya
I'll never throw ya
Away

I'll keep ya safe
Always warm
I swear to God that you're the only one I want
So please stay
Please say
To me

You're so sweet
Like fresh honey
I can't believe
That I found you
****
You're so fine
And you're all mine
For all of time
Oh how I love you

My words are like pebbles at the bottom of a creek,
they drift along beneath a gentle current and brush against your feet.

Sometimes you feel their jagged edges and wince.
Sometimes you find them smooth and pleasantly small.
Sometimes you pick them up to keep them for a little while.
Most times you just don't notice them at all.

My words are like trees standing in a lush, lost forest.
Naturally, organic beings come and make their nests.

Some people walk right by without a care to their presence.
Some people say they're dark, yet full of life you can't see.
Some people find themselves at their bottom and climb towards the light.
And then those people praise the way you can see the sun gleam.  

My words are like the very tears that come from my own eyes,
rain made from the turn of the weather that's only inside.

They come when I realise how much I love him, how deep it goes.
They come from anxiety I let build and I let leave me afraid.
They come when I try to fight the loneliness I'm plagued with at night.
And they come when he finally holds my hand and I conquer the pain.

My words are cinder blocks that keep me grounded when I feel I may float away.
These words bring color back to my existence when I feel myself begin to fade.

In the morning when our last sun comes
I know the death of all is to follow
Because the light it's sheds upon my path
Is one full of my own pathetic sorrow

And the path will be grown over and treacherous
For it has never been traveled by one before
And walking it will take me away from you
A revelation that could shake any lover's core

I will wander far to a life lived in dreams
I'll see a better world beyond my years
But still will I harbor an ache so deep
It will bring me to the brink of vengeful tears

However no farewell will escape these lips
My heart could not take such a goodbye
Because in the morning I'll be escaping old pains
To only meet the pain of not having you at my side

Oh, kitten dear
Your name Maximus lingers in my mind
My Love for you knows no bind of time
Your soft, cream orange fur calls for my hand
I am nothing if I am not your "cat man"

Oh kitten dear,
I call you Max and my heart races with joy
To see you wallow on the ground playing with your toy
I'd give you everything, every fishie you desire
Of your beauty and grace, kitten, I could never tire

Oh kitten dear,
I am long for this world and you are not
Thinking of a day without my true love, I cannot!
You, Maximus, are a treasure to love and admire
I love thee kitten dearest to the day you expire

Seven cups of tea and I drank eleven
Too much maybe but it felt like heaven
So relieved to have indulged myself in a generous pour
They only smile and encourage I drink more

I think I will

I like to think of you
little moments
and tiny things
Keep on thinking
so I think again

Laughing and smiling
Walking away
Keeping a good distance
Keeping a good pace

I have a headache
Thoughts are no good
yet not so bad
so maybe I should

A warm hand
A place I like to be
I like to be there only
If you're there with me

There you are in my head
Bursting at the seams
Get out, you funny friend
You devilish fiend

I love to think of you
Little moments
They mean everything
So I keep on thinking
And I think again

I reek of new living
the silence of sobriety is deafening
Can't stand my heart beating
Chest rising, finally breathing
Falling together at the seams for the lack of grieving

Jump out of my skin at the sound of my name
Hearing a whisper of enthusiasm scares my wandering brain
I am standoffish but I'm not timid nor meek
You say you're here for me but I'm not who I seemed
Am I better because of my brand new living?

No, I am not new in the least
I pretend in my imagination but I'm the same old me
Weak
Time to stop writing
Time to go to sleep

Hey Darling,
Do you know where I set my pills?
I need some chemical help.
I know I said I love you,
but how can I love you
if I can only think of myself.

Don't blame me, my love,
it's my cells beginning to die.
Call my mother, my father, my sister, my brother.
I'm sure there's still time to cry.

Oh, it has to be this way my love.
No happy day could make this better.
My God chose no other fate.
I know it's hard to recover
from losing your mother;
I'd wish you not carry that weight

Now look at me, honey,
can you see the pain in my eyes?
Burning coals of desperation,
all part of my last aspiration
to finally lay down and die.

Please just know that I loved you,
but my dead heart will never keep you well.
So please move onto some other,
and you'll know that I suffered,
but at least I'm not burning in Hell.

So far away
"Only until then"
  "Only a little while"
     Never soon enough

Content by silence sits my heart
But races through with threaded hurt
Quiet slides the strings through flesh
Hard to know when pain is pure

Music is a tasteless joy with no compare
Empty noise fills mindless heads
My soul is heavy with weightless air
My body is full of food not ever fed

How the days do pass when my eyes dont close
My nights spent seeing the next and more
Peril is a sleepless slumber had when dreaded
And how I do dread the nights to my very core

Lover, I am so alone, please
  open up and give me something.
    Validate me because I feel worthless
       even though I know I shouldn't.

        Midnight comes around tonight,
          ever waiting, I will wake for you.

Blue shoes tap against the floor from heavy steps,
A boy of no importance walks into the crowded room,
White smiles and infectious laughter fill the air,
And suddenly he thinks, "This is no room for you."

He takes steps back, farther and farther, from the place,
Escaping an atmosphere of seemingly genuine enjoyment,
Not accepting that there is something out, there besides him,
That isn't planned around existing for his torment

Sticky notes of optimism come from a wavering voice,
One he'd rather ignore most days because it's exhausting
Being a pillar of hope to hold himself up isn't enough,
Lost in thought, "I need some real friends."

He reaches a gloved hand out to people with little to no intention,
Talking into a disconnected payphone on an empty, unlit street,
There's a not so strange stranger watching from across the black tar,
Wondering sadly, "When will he finally notice me?"

I have no heart for the shadows at the table

What remains of what has been and never will be again

Dinners had on rainy nights with people who now cease to breathe

Breakfast alone because no one liked the sun quite as much as me

It's all just a corpse of pleasant times far gone

Family and friends bowing heads and saying prayers

Over a magnificent meal prepared by weathered womanly hands

Memories of a happiness that I, myself, can no longer stand

I had a many I'd have claimed as a friend
Though never seeing a truth so defined
We tell ourselves and each other it will never end
But whether intentional or not, it was a lie

Pathetic, I felt, like it had all been my fault
That those I saw as dear did not respond
I know now that I've realised it is not
That maybe friends truly don't last that long

Yet here I sit writing my burden down
Hoping to see the face of a friend from long ago
But I'll lay my heavy head to sleep with a frown
Because I should have guessed they wouldn't show

The way you infect my blood
I am unable to fight your disease
My pale skinned face red with heat
My troubled head goes without ease

Bones are frail, you allow me no sustenance
I lie weak in my bed drenched in sweat
I know you are gone for all of tonight
so why does it feel like you never left?

Tortured heart racing, keeping me alive
My labored breaths keep me from sleep
Tossing and turning, feeling you near
My mind spiraling from your fever dream

I feel the end is making camp nearby
Death's cold, unjust hand rests on my my own
You make your way throughout my body
Until at last my body becomes your home

I see the reflection I have left
paint the mirror
a deep scarlet.

The actions, no-
the crimes I've commited
have decided my fate!

I could never ask you, divinity itself,
for a peace offering,
a chance of redemption.

Slave to the flesh,
worshipper of the inane,
I kneel before you and whisper,

"I am but what you made me."

I am what you see and nothing more,
an empty carcass without a core.
Void of essence and weak with rot,
eyes green from decomposing moss.

Personality ripped from deep within my brain,
and replaced with absurdities defying the humane.

Exanguinated body pale and disgustingly discolored.
Lacerations now putrid from being left uncovered.
What was mine is no longer in my control,
for I promised you my mind, body and soul.

A moment arrives and you let it take
    away any empathy you had
Dull, lifeless I lie dying, beating inside
    your heart, captive
Unheard, I wait for you to finish your
    assault against our love
Lecherous mountain of meat,
    disgusted by you, I can't help but
Turn away, can't bear that
    unapologetic face, so stoic
Essentially, you succumbed to a more
    favorable *****, so you can
Run off for a wet, foreign kiss, but
    please understand
You can never come home

She isn't
a very interesting person, not even
very tolerable in the least;
actually, she's forgettable;
next to
no one knows
anything about
her.

I like this little image in my head
of you lying in the grass,
staring off into a beautiful sky,
smiling because the sun is hugging you softly..

               but...

                           I know that's not what
                                happens.

Why does it seem like every moment I spend thinking is wasted on you?

Even when I know my mind is filled with so much more and it can't be true.

Sometimes I see your face in my dreams, haunted and pained.

Then I hold you in my arms and looks just the same.

Is my mind creating fiction
to feed my addiction
to the satisfying attention
I feel in our tension?

Or is the pain from your lies that you try to play down
causing your face to set in an almost permanent frown?

Stop making me out to be this impregnable foe.

I melt when I'm with you, but you freeze as if I'm ice cold.

You wouldn't ever listen to me pour my soul even if I tried,
You wouldn't even care if I were to lie down and die.

I created their sun and they shall thank me for the light

I created darkness and they shall thank me for the night

I created breath and they shall thank me for the right

I created love and they shall thank me when it dies

I created hate and they shall thank me when it ignites

I created misery and they shall thank me when they cry

I created death but they shall thank me for the time

For I created all so I must consume all of their lives

I've seen the field where I laid myself down to bleed
My hands dripping from the blood pooling out of my mouth
I've held my hand as I leaped off the branch of the cedar tree in my yard
and twisted my ankle yet too afraid to tell my mother
I remember knowing I had to stop but egging myself on to keep going
A bad influence to even my own conscious mind
I am drifting through these times with a passenger that predicts my every move
And I follow the lead and hold the box of matches

I hate that you did this to me

You're a venomous pain to my mind
Tearing me apart from the inside

Making wish I could rip out my gut
To erase the hurt that comes with each passing thought of us

I would do anything for a relief
Even suffer a different fate from the one you forced me to face when you decided to leave

Never come back, I just want to forget that you ever existed
Even though that will never happen because the emptiness you left me with is relentless