How do I
even begin
to write
again?

Butterflies in my chest,
Darkness in my head.
A fractured wrist,
A broken mind.

Things will never be the same,
ever
again.

Stuck in a dark box
With nowhere and
Nothing
To do.
My hands and legs
Are restrained,
But my mind runs
Free.

What is there
To do anymore?
What is there
But an escape from
Reality
As the only option?

I’m tired and exhausted,
Sobs stifled,
Overwhelming feelings,
But i am dead already.

When the dose of propofol hits
Your veins,
The world fall apart into
One big dark mess.

You try to hang on
To something,
Anything,
But nothing remains.
Everything just fades away,
Along with your conscience.

This is the first
Ordinary good
One
Thing that has
Happened.
Please, don’t
Attribute it to fate but
Seize
The moment before
Everything fades.

Tarmac cracks
Under blistening sun,
And i wonder

Funny how one
Thinks about the future
A split second
After
Thoughts of death.

Is there an easy way
Out
Of this labyrinth
Called ‘life’?

To the you, who will never read this:
I miss you.
What happened between us
I know nought.
Was my vices too much
For you to share?
Am i just
Another stranger
Now?

Another day passes
And i still don’t know if i
Want to live or die

Say hello to your new friend
That is called
Anorexia Nervosa.
Rigid are her ways,
Viscious her thoughts,
Endless commitment.

Just have enough courage to go
Up, high up and
Make the final step
Plummeting down into oblivion.

Death would be so wellcoming
Opening its arms
Widely for me
Never letting me go.

inhale;
the antiseptic smell of
hospital corridors and
alcohol hand-rubs.

Why are you here again?

Exhale;
In one breath,
promise yourself never
ever do it again.

repeat from top

This vicious cycle of
in and outs,
When will i ever get
better?

Hot hard heartless tarmac
How do you feel?
I hear the sound of screeching tires and footsteps
Does it hurt you?
I'm envious, you
Get to stare at the blue cloudy skies all day and
see little black birds
flaunt their free will.
How is the view?
You are so constant,
Always black and
sometimes grey but
never white.
You never seem to let
anything determine your
worth.
Could you just please
teach me how too?

I walk round
And round
And round
Hoping to hit my ten
Thousand steps.
How many calories does that
burn?

I end up eating
And eating
And eating
All 3 meals they serve
Me. Do I deserve
This?
How many calories do they
Have?

I lay and think
And think
And think
Why am I still
Alive?
Why did I not ****
Myself
Right
This
Time?

Things strewn around the house
Shirts on sheets and shoes unsymmetrically
placed on the dog-earred floor mat
That spells “welcome” but
Thick layers of Dust and dirt
Reduced it to a “wel”

Splashes of paint on a plain,
Blank canvas followed by red
Angry slashes. 1...2...3... uncountable.
Black patches of spilled ink
Followed by smeared blotches
The paper is not clean
Anymore.

Butterflies in ribcages let loose,
Broken bones and
Insects crawling under my skin.
Chipped nails and dried blood,
Skin flakes off
Me.?

The number on the scale
Becomes very real.
When food becomes kilojoules
And
Cravings become nil.

The number on the scale
Shouldn't be like a rusty nail.
Causing a wound
that never seems to heal,
that spreads till you're ill.

The number on the scale
is now fear.
For somehow worth is
Equals to
The number on the scale.

The number on the scale
Haunts till
The number on the scale
Decreases to
The (smaller) Number on the scale.

The usual blaring of
the alarm clock did
nothing,
to snap me out of my
reverie.

Still lost in last night's
nightmares,
I stumbled out of bed in
a half-drunk
stupor.

Then came the loud
CRASH!
It felt as though all the cells of my
being have exploded from
the impact of
the fall.

Time
seem to have stopped for a
minute or two.
The entire universe seemed
to have simply stop and turned to
stare at the mess.

The loud "bang" was
what snapped me out of my
Dream-like state.
I dare say,
I am awake now.

am I a fool? -

I wait at the door for someone to come
back, even though I live alone.

I give and give till I have no
more, and try to dig internally for more

I smile and laugh and say "it's ok" when
every single cell of my being is yelling stop.

am I a fool,
for having hope that there's love and kindness in this world?

And we return back to square one:
where windows are grilled and
hierarchy is based on what you wear.
where movements are restricted but
thoughts run wild without restrains.
A square is not a circle.
But yet,
Acts like one.

Things come in full circle. 

Life is humorously ironic.

surprisingly,
I am up before noon- before
the sun nestles itself at the very peak.

surprisingly,
you have not texted me for months
on ends.

surprisingly,
I am still alive.
I need no one to live;
All I need is myself(and God).

I want to write but at
this point in time my
head is empty.
ironically, heavy as well,
I stop writing, to hold it
back up.

weariness;
pulling a thousand ton while climbing uphill
rivulets of sweat dripping and watering the
ground as I climb. Lubricating
the ground,
I slip and
fall.

darkness;
the all consuming black hole
engulfing me. too tired
to seek the
light.
I give up.

water, crystal clear

moving around aloof.

clours glistening guppies,

floating clovers crinkle,

moving humans hover.

the. World. STOPS.

You told me
Forever.
We could lie
And run away.
No more nasty words
Or painful wounds.

You told me
Wait.
We needed time
To think about this.
No more warm hugs
Or wrinkled sheets.

You told me
Gone.
Tales fabricated
To chase me away.
No more 'We'
Or 'what shall WE do'.

Going out with you is like taking a unknown bus,
I do not know where it goes
Nor do I feel comfortable.

Talking to you
Is like reading a foreign language book.
I do not understand .

You want to know what I'm doing,
But I'm a free and independent woman
I do not need weights to tie me down.

I may tell you I'm sorry
But I'm not sorry
Because through all my life
I've learnt to survive on my own.

Fragmented unique cracks
Stripes and miniature holes
Holding it whole.

Slight Prevention against impact
Susceptible to water
Dust filled
It never lasts.

Thorns inserted,
Pieces fall apart.
What's left of my heart now?

Before I crash,
I would like you
To read a tale
Of princess and of king
Of me and of you
Our everlasting life.

Before I crash,
I would like you
To place my bears
On rough uneven ground
Accompanying me
Till I leave this place.

Before I crash
I would like you
To hold my hands
And tell me
You'd never leave
Till my very last breath.

I'd die near the top/where no one sees/ go down strong/ fight back up again

Comb every strand of hair,
Clean every part of your body
And look at them
Appreciate them.

2.
Dress up.
**** society's expectation
Wear your FAVOURITE colour
Wear your mood.

3.
Always prepare for rainy days.
Bring an umbrella,
Bring your sweater
Bring some money,
For warm coffee/tea.

4.
Go out and explore.
Visit cafés and treat yourself,
Visit book shops & libraries
Inhale the aroma of freshly brewed coffe,
The nostalgic smell of old, yellow papers.

5.
Be okay with what you do,
Say things that are on your mind.
Who cares about what people think?
You are who you are
And you're perfect.

6.
Even if you can't love yourself
Always remember that there's a greater God,
whose love is boundless.
Hey, even the birds in the sky,
The flowers on the ground
Fishes in the sea
Have been taken care of by "him"
What else you a human being!

It's 10 am and I'm on my way to work
I've cleaned up the place
I've fed my brothers
I say goodbye.

It's 10.20am and I just took the bus
This bus filled with strangers
With earphones plucked in
Not hearing,
Not caring
About anything else.

10.40am,
I obediently stood at the side of the door
As the Mass Rapid Transport screeched to a stop.
The doors open and people filter out.
I walked in, to a new batch of strangers.
Everyone minds their own business.

What's life? I wondered this whole time.
Since my awakening to my resting,
And all over again.
Days past like sand grabbed by my hand
I end up grabbing nothing.
I know nothing.
I am nothing.

Knives not walls
Surrounds me.
Oh the sweet melody,
Of death's calling.

Which way oh dear thee
Would thou choose?

An empty train,
A clouded mind.

Vacant spaces transpire
Havoc caused by thee
Running in circles
Back to square one.

Water vapors reminisce
Your presence
As dotted lines
Started to fade

Parallel;
Our lives now
Strangers we once were
Strangers we are now.

c.c

Dear*
Father,
It has been
Fifteen years since you left this world.
This world is no longer the same as fifteen years ago.
Everything has changed,
Even me.
Nevertheless, I miss you and I wish you never left.

4.57p.m.
I wonder,
Who else would look at the clock & think about life.
I'm tired & hungry & suicidal.
I want my exterior to be as broken
As my interior.
People only see the outside
And they don't understand what it's like
To have your mind pitch-black
And your body functioning on auto-pilot.
There's no break, no acceleration. Nothing.
You just do whatever your dark mind makes you do.

5.00p.m.
It's quiet here
With people minding their own business
Doing their own things.
I wonder,
Who else is like me
Trying to find a way back home.

I'm so sick and tired of all these.
Medication in the morning
Medication in the evening
As though it even helps.

I still feel the same pang of sadness
Stealing my breath
As my body collides into solid wall.
Bone breaking,
Heart shattering,
I might as well be dead.

I still feel the fat
Hanging off my body
Akin to ornaments
On a Christmas tree.
But,
Ornaments unlike fats
Is a pretty sight.

Funny how I feel more alone
With more people knowing
Who "I" really am.
(But who knows if this is even real)
This is like another hell altogether,
Probably a deeper hell than before.

How to I get out of this labyrinth?
This **** puzzle is unsolvable.

SOMEONE, TAKE ME OUT PLEASE!

Prison is
A four walled place,
With people scruntinizing
Your every move.
It's a place filled
With foul smells
And
Broken
People.

Prison is
A cage,
Encapsulating
Your very heart.
It prevents it
From falling apart.

Prison is
You
In your very body ,
Controlled by
your own mind.
You can't do anything
Or say a thing,
When it decides
To shut you up.

(c.c)

Maybe we're chemicals,
Because we've chemistry.

But then again,
It's not as though
Chemicals reacting
Could change anything
Other than the forms
That people see.

The forms change
But yet
What we consist of
Remains the same.

((Being in love doesn't mend a broken heart.))

Disoriented:
not knowing where I am
Who I am
What I am
Doing.

I die momentarily
When the monster grip
my soul
Out of this hollow frame;
The body.

They say: "time will tell"
I know not
of the time
now.

Inability to differentiate
Dreams
And reality,
I lie between
The blurred line.

I've read of how it took 40 floors
To ****** a boy, 16 of age,
With no voice.
He flunged himself to his death,
His head crushed
His bones broken.

It doesn't take 40 floors to **** someone:

Life is like a high rise building
Which evolved from a slum.
Each person you encounter,
Is a floor (flaw) in itself.
People leave; floors zoom past.
Perhaps slight friction from the wind,
From what one can't bear to leave.
Words breaks bones, pressure crushes.

See, Life is like this:
You climb up only to fall back down
And for people without voices,
Life murders.

(c.c)

Everyone heard the rain.
Everyone felt it.
Everyone ran,
seeking shelter.

I hear the rain.
I don’t feel it.
I feel my own teardrops.
It trickled down on my face,
like raindrops falling on the pavements.
I ran
seeking solace,
but found none.

(C.C)

Unknown and foreign to light
Feeling the emptiness hence cry.
1 and 11 months dad left,
Guileless kid that I was
Didn't care.

Grandma's place during the weekdays
With Kor as my playmate.
You'd think we were inseparable
But we grew up.

Doted on due to pity
Doesn't quite last.
When you're a annoying seven year old,
Single parented or not, who cares?

No one to turn to,
Seeing mum only morning and night.
Keeping it all to myself,
That's how I grew up.  

Nine year old was hell
Crying to sleep silently,
Worrying about how to act,
A smile to cover it up.  
No one cared enough to ask.

Time flew and at 15
We finally moved "home".
Little space I once possessed
Grew to naught.

The first slash, the first purge.
No one knows.
The first attempt, the consequent ones
No one cares.

Nothing was ever easy.
At 16 and 4 months I look back
Thinking how the hell I survived it all
Thinking how the hell am I going to move on.

Why do I keep going back
To the dark path that I've left?
All the shadows with their evil eyes
Snickering lies
I can't withstand.

They pull
and grab me
At the seams.
Lifted me up
And Tossed me into
The Dead Sea.
I float,
But I'm barely breathing.

(c.c)

The temptation
to disappear from the face of this world
To disintegrate
Transcend time
To be who I'm supposed to be,
not who I think I am.

It's kind of funny
How the person who gave you your first breath
Is one that makes you want to have your last.

Laughter once meant to express joy
Now used to cover up void
and anxiety
Of speechlessness
and neediness.

Being the one who begged to move
And now begging to move again
For what used to be Camelot
Is now the worst place.

It's funny how humans talk about love
As though love is tangible.
The way lives intertwine  
Oftentime becomes untwined;
Parallel.

That's what it's supposed to be at the end isn't it?
Straight lines on man-made machines?

It's kind of funny
How what man made while living
Becomes the thing that tells of their leaving.

(1)  
Hospital Walls
"Hospital walls have heard more prayers than church walls."
Within the walls
Lies souls with worth
Wishes
Dreams
Hope
Impeded by four walls
Restricting movement
Constricting actions.

(2)
School
Thousands of soulless eyes
With the same movement
And the same mind.
Rushes with the bell
Runs with the time.
Trying to be ahead
Is a tough task.

(3)
Pixelated
Blur
Fuzzy
Unnoticed words
Faces gone
Memories faded.
The world is not the same anymore.

(4)
Death
Valley's void of sweet smelling roses,
Empty streets.
Grey clouds gather
Together to mourn.
Petals drop to welcome
Souls departed.
Swollen eyes,
Silence
Tells it all.

(5)
Cigarettes
Merely a short white stick
But a life long commitment .
As clouds of ashes rise,
Souls slowly leaves
The body.

In your presence I feel edified  and loved
Something that I've never experienced when I'm with others.

Your love so great
You died for me.
But yet who am I?  
A lowly worthless servant who can't seem to hear your call,
Left aimless treading on this earth.

Blaming you is easy
Scolding you ensures nothing.
Yet,
When I ask of anything
You gladly give.

It's funny how things ended up like this
And hell am I afraid
Of what's about to happen.

I trust in you, knowing you'll guide.
You've never failed me.
You won't.

Your hollow eyes as you walk past

Showed me your heart.

Had something happened?

Or have you gotten sick of me already?

It’s as though someone plucked out your soul, and threw it on the roadside.

It’s just you and your empty body left

Trodding on this cold hard ground.

Time and time again,

I resisted the urge to call out to you, 

To give you a warm smile

To ignite a flame.

Hugs I’ll give if I could

But you’re so unreachable I couldn’t.

(I miss you and your smile. Where are you now?)

Alienated from this world,
It's as though I'm invisible.
Its like... I'm a ghost.

Perhaps I'm dead – or more like an undead.
Consciously breathing,
Yet unconsciously living.

Unachievable demands too plentiful
For bare shoulders (to bear).
Words carelessly strewn
Cuts into the soul
leaving a void.

Countless wanderings,
Trying to find a home.
Yet left stranded alone;
Always on the toe, ready to go.

I need a complimentary ticket
to depart from the mundane
to the destination – into the moment.

I'm  back to where I've started:

Stained Sheets
Scarred Wrists
Silent Breaks
Subtle Hints
Screaming Mind
Shattering Heart
Shoulders Drooping,
                                     from the bar.