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certifiednutcase Mar 2014
The temptation
to disappear from the face of this world
To disintegrate
Transcend time
To be who I'm supposed to be,
not who I think I am.
certifiednutcase Nov 2013
Sleeping in;
Waking up when the sun nestles itself comfortably in the middle of its trajectory.
Sipping coffee with a *******,
Book in tow.
This is what life's meant to be like.

Staying up;
Awfully sober when the moon reflects light from the sun in attempt to cover up it's imperfections.
Laying in bed with a finished book,
Voices in head.
"What's the meaning of life?" I question.

Vicious cycle;
Riding up and down the tracks of high and lows,
No breaks in-between to inhale life-sustaining oxygen.
Stuck in a rut,
Indecisive if life's great or life *****.

certifiednutcase Nov 2014
It's 10 am and I'm on my way to work
I've cleaned up the place
I've fed my brothers
I say goodbye.

It's 10.20am and I just took the bus
This bus filled with strangers
With earphones plucked in
Not hearing,
Not caring
About anything else.

I obediently stood at the side of the door
As the Mass Rapid Transport screeched to a stop.
The doors open and people filter out.
I walked in, to a new batch of strangers.
Everyone minds their own business.

What's life? I wondered this whole time.
Since my awakening to my resting,
And all over again.
Days past like sand grabbed by my hand
I end up grabbing nothing.
I know nothing.
I am nothing.
certifiednutcase Sep 2014
It has been
Fifteen years since you left this world.
This world is no longer the same as fifteen years ago.
Everything has changed,
Even me.
Nevertheless, I miss you and I wish you never left.
certifiednutcase Mar 2014
Unknown and foreign to light
Feeling the emptiness hence cry.
1 and 11 months dad left,
Guileless kid that I was
Didn't care.

Grandma's place during the weekdays
With Kor as my playmate.
You'd think we were inseparable
But we grew up.

Doted on due to pity
Doesn't quite last.
When you're a annoying seven year old,
Single parented or not, who cares?

No one to turn to,
Seeing mum only morning and night.
Keeping it all to myself,
That's how I grew up.  

Nine year old was hell
Crying to sleep silently,
Worrying about how to act,
A smile to cover it up.  
No one cared enough to ask.

Time flew and at 15
We finally moved "home".
Little space I once possessed
Grew to naught.

The first slash, the first purge.
No one knows.
The first attempt, the consequent ones
No one cares.

Nothing was ever easy.
At 16 and 4 months I look back
Thinking how the hell I survived it all
Thinking how the hell am I going to move on.
certifiednutcase Jan 2014
20th January 2014:
Does it scares you like how it scares me, how fast time is ticking?
The cold wind blows, the tree shakes.
Some leaves fall, but some leaves stays.
I wonder at times:
Will you be the leaf that falls or will you be the leaf that stays?
Will I be rooted in faith or will I fall and fade away?
certifiednutcase Oct 2013
At 2 a.m. In the morning
Demons come out to play.
Cannibals clawing at your door,
What last words do you have to say?

At 2 a.m. in the morning,
Only lonely souls are awake.
Fighting those stupid demons
With nothing but a blade.

At 2 a.m. In the morning
Have you ever needed somebody to talk to?
Have you ever scrolled through your contacts,
Finding no one you can tell things to?

2 a.m. In the morning
Insomniacs are wide awake.
For the pain that leave us "sober"
Is what that's making us stay.

At 2.01 a.m.
I bid my final goodbye
As I flung myself to those cannibals
Who are lonely freaks like me.

certifiednutcase Mar 2014
I've read of how it took 40 floors
To ****** a boy, 16 of age,
With no voice.
He flunged himself to his death,
His head crushed
His bones broken.

It doesn't take 40 floors to **** someone:

Life is like a high rise building
Which evolved from a slum.
Each person you encounter,
Is a floor (flaw) in itself.
People leave; floors zoom past.
Perhaps slight friction from the wind,
From what one can't bear to leave.
Words breaks bones, pressure crushes.

See, Life is like this:
You climb up only to fall back down
And for people without voices,
Life murders.

certifiednutcase Oct 2013
Let me tell you a story
Of a night
When I took 9 tiny pills
Hoping to die.

It was a irrational action
I admit
But this incidence
Ceased my impending "wake"

I arose the next morning
Wondering if I'm dead
And if this was what heaven felt like.
But when I heard the all too familiar scream
I realized
I'm back in hell again.

To school I went
Chuckling in my head
Of how foolish man can be
To not realize a single thing.

The whole day I did math:
9 times 500mg
Divided by 1000mg
It was more than 3 times of the stated dosage.

I chided myself then
Why didn't I get more
Why didn't I have the audacity
To rob the first aid box.

But soon
I've came to realize
It wasn't the dosage
Nor the amount that mattered.
It was the fact that
Life was still mine to deal
And play with for longer days.

I didn't want it
But I've no choice

I tell myself
Over and over again.
*But I never once did
certifiednutcase Oct 2013
Bring me to the alternate universe
Whereby humans don't hold on to their beloved time concept
And rename it "life" instead.

This alternate universe
Where people hold steadfast to humility
And humble themselves to the service of others.

It is in this alternate universe
Whereby people are content
And lives are fulfilled.
Smiles on faces;
Tears of joy.

certifiednutcase Jul 2018
Another day passes
And i still don’t know if i
Want to live or die
certifiednutcase Oct 2013
Life is akin to a train ride:
A trip to nowhere
With no viewable stops for rest
No given time
To answer nature's call.

Food served on the ride
Are oftentimes bland.
Sweet, bitter, sour
undeniably included
Though only given
On certain occasions.
Everything given
Was edible.

With each a cabin our own
We hear A scream or a cry
A laugh or a snort
As Noises transcends up and down
The confines of this boundless train.
The pleasures or woes  
Of other passengers
Not ours to share
But ours to listen.

Fuel being finite
Kicking some poor passengers
Off this ride.
Other passengers take suit
Leaving on their own accord.
but the train still moves on
Towards an intangible destination

Things occur on the train:
Diseases, celebrations, fights.
There may be obstacles, obstructing the track
The train swirls a large turn,
goes over a bump
And Into a cave.

But nonetheless
We're all together
On this ride.
*If we don't help each other
We're all doomed together.
certifiednutcase Dec 2014
Before I crash,
I would like you
To read a tale
Of princess and of king
Of me and of you
Our everlasting life.

Before I crash,
I would like you
To place my bears
On rough uneven ground
Accompanying me
Till I leave this place.

Before I crash
I would like you
To hold my hands
And tell me
You'd never leave
Till my very last breath.
Dated February 20, 2013
certifiednutcase Dec 2013
I am only but human
Enclosed by 4 walls.

Once, these walls were miles away
Akin the earth from the Milky Way.
I had no restrains;
like a bird in the vast blue sky,
Like a fish in the water body of earth.

As years passed
The walls closed in,
Restraining and constricting
But never impeding tasked errands.

Recently however,
No matter where I turn,
My head hits solid walls and bruises.
But that's still fine I guess,
For the sky I still can see.

Now though,
A new wall seems to be spiraling down from above
Passing down from one hand to another.
Air that's coming in is thinning,
I'm suffocating.

I wonder which last pair of hands this wall would feel
For I am only but human.
certifiednutcase Jan 2018
the antiseptic smell of
hospital corridors and
alcohol hand-rubs.

Why are you here again?

In one breath,
promise yourself never
ever do it again.

repeat from top

This vicious cycle of
in and outs,
When will i ever get
certifiednutcase Apr 2014
Maybe we're chemicals,
Because we've chemistry.

But then again,
It's not as though
Chemicals reacting
Could change anything
Other than the forms
That people see.

The forms change
But yet
What we consist of
Remains the same.

((Being in love doesn't mend a broken heart.))
certifiednutcase Oct 2013
                On a field
                                 D a n c I n g happily
Bathing in the SUN
                          Soaking in joyful atmosphere.

Then humans came
And P L U
                                D them out
took them a w a                          y
                     From the HEART of theirs.

The daisies they shed
Tears of helplessness
With each drop
Bringing them closertotheground.

certifiednutcase Oct 2013
Down dark alleys
Which meanders deep in the midst of cities
One would find the best kind of people
Labelled as "outcasts".

It is down these dark alleys
Where the darkest thoughts are shared
Where the "taboos" of society can be found.  

Secrets shared are kept
Promises said, never broken.
The best things are shared amongst all
So is the worst.

Bustling with activities
Down the alleys
Warm smiles exchanged
Along with heartfelt feelings.

Dark alleys without light
Are aflame with love
That one can never find
In the hustle and bustle of a hectic city life.

Though poor in terms of material possessions,    
    They're rich with all the necessities,    
           That are needed to live a real life.        

Are you so caught up with trying to live the life that everyone has, or are you living the real true meaning of life to its fullest?
certifiednutcase Feb 2014
Alienated from this world,
It's as though I'm invisible.
Its like... I'm a ghost.

Perhaps I'm dead – or more like an undead.
Consciously breathing,
Yet unconsciously living.

Unachievable demands too plentiful
For bare shoulders (to bear).
Words carelessly strewn
Cuts into the soul
leaving a void.

Countless wanderings,
Trying to find a home.
Yet left stranded alone;
Always on the toe, ready to go.

I need a complimentary ticket
to depart from the mundane
to the destination – into the moment.
certifiednutcase Nov 2018
To the you, who will never read this:
I miss you.
What happened between us
I know nought.
Was my vices too much
For you to share?
Am i just
Another stranger
certifiednutcase Sep 2017
Here’s a letter to my fallen sister:
I did not show you the ropes
And lead you up the mountains.
Instead i tugged you down the valleys
And left you
You tried,
Climbing and climbing
But ended up
For the last time.
certifiednutcase Mar 2014
not knowing where I am
Who I am
What I am

I die momentarily
When the monster grip
my soul
Out of this hollow frame;
The body.

They say: "time will tell"
I know not
of the time

Inability to differentiate
And reality,
I lie between
The blurred line.
certifiednutcase Oct 2013
I'm an escapist
Who indulge in escapism
But no matter how far I run
My demons, they take chase.

Into the waters I hid
Drowned by the sound of water pouring
Yet they came to me
In forms of crimson red
Dripping as I slipped.

So I went up high
Onto the mountain top
But they followed me up
And made me want to fall.

I couldn't bear it longer
I dived deep into books
Hoping words would bore them
As they so oftenly do to plenty.
It worked for a brief moment
But they found the tiniest hole in my head
During rests
They race into me.

It seems like no matter where I go
Or what I do
I can never shed them off.
All I ever wanted
Was to **** them all.
But they seem to replenish twice the number
Of the minute I've removed.

I don't know what to do anymore
Escaping no longer work.
I am an escapist
Trying to escape escapism.

certifiednutcase Nov 2013
Poetically uninspired
With no means of inspiration
Leaves one exasperated.

No way to perform
To let loose those words
Tightly sealed within the deeps of one's own hell – the mind.

Without inspiration
Comes no exhalation
Of the bubbling fumes that was bound to ruin
All frames of sort that one could ever find.

was that the last breath?

certifiednutcase Oct 2013
“A rapid, persistent chemical reaction that releases heat and light, especially the exothermic combination of a combustible substance with oxygen.”

Like fire we burn
Combusting with love
Releasing heat and light
To guide someone to you.

Like fire we are
Both a bane and boon

We build things up
To burn it back down
For from ashes we rise
And from ashes we return.

certifiednutcase Mar 2015
water, crystal clear

moving around aloof.

clours glistening guppies,

floating clovers crinkle,

moving humans hover.

the. World. STOPS.
I can also be found on ◡̈
certifiednutcase Dec 2016
am I a fool? -

I wait at the door for someone to come
back, even though I live alone.

I give and give till I have no
more, and try to dig internally for more

I smile and laugh and say "it's ok" when
every single cell of my being is yelling stop.

am I a fool,
for having hope that there's love and kindness in this world?
certifiednutcase Oct 2013
Foreign paths
Meant for exploration
Alongside another soul
Leave droplets filled with despair
splashing on unheld hand.

On foreign paths I pray
That our paths would intertwine
That fate won't leave me
Hanging on a twine
Sparing two hands.

On foreign paths
I can't grasps
the intangible line
Between the start and the end.
Lined with flowers,
torns attached.

On known paths you've done
part of your job.
You taught me to "fish"
But did not stay
To see me catch a thing.

In the midst of known and foreign paths
You didn't see me failing miserably
Not at my failure
but at your leaving.

certifiednutcase Feb 2019
When the dose of propofol hits
Your veins,
The world fall apart into
One big dark mess.

You try to hang on
To something,
But nothing remains.
Everything just fades away,
Along with your conscience.
certifiednutcase Oct 2013
"You can no longer roam these streets, or hide at the stairway."

Where am I?

"You have no one to send those stupid messages infused with your devilish thoughts anymore."

Who am I texting?

"No more enduring long lessons which meant nothing compared to wars fought in your mind."

Wait what? Weight = M x g?

You'll begin to gibber to yourself
Curse yourself
Question yourself
Once you realize
The concept of time that humans created
Limits your happiness.
For you are human
Stuck in a world with a timed concept.
certifiednutcase Mar 2015
You told me
We could lie
And run away.
No more nasty words
Or painful wounds.

You told me
We needed time
To think about this.
No more warm hugs
Or wrinkled sheets.

You told me
Tales fabricated
To chase me away.
No more 'We'
Or 'what shall WE do'.
certifiednutcase Dec 2014
Fragmented unique cracks
Stripes and miniature holes
Holding it whole.

Slight Prevention against impact
Susceptible to water
Dust filled
It never lasts.

Thorns inserted,
Pieces fall apart.
What's left of my heart now?
certifiednutcase Dec 2013
As this year inches closer to the end,
I figured it was moving to the starting line instead.
The end marks the start;
Moving backwards enables one to see a larger view hence finding the direction of the final destination.

Indeed 'twas a year full of worry,
Haunting nights and lonely days.
But through it all with my Saviour's grace,
I've made it all the way.

When time has finally reached the destination that humans have marked out — 1/1/2014,
I want to say goodbye to me.
I'll start anew,
AWAKENED by the love of Christ.
certifiednutcase Mar 2014
Hospital Walls
"Hospital walls have heard more prayers than church walls."
Within the walls
Lies souls with worth
Impeded by four walls
Restricting movement
Constricting actions.

Thousands of soulless eyes
With the same movement
And the same mind.
Rushes with the bell
Runs with the time.
Trying to be ahead
Is a tough task.

Unnoticed words
Faces gone
Memories faded.
The world is not the same anymore.

Valley's void of sweet smelling roses,
Empty streets.
Grey clouds gather
Together to mourn.
Petals drop to welcome
Souls departed.
Swollen eyes,
Tells it all.

Merely a short white stick
But a life long commitment .
As clouds of ashes rise,
Souls slowly leaves
The body.
certifiednutcase Oct 2013
"Psst" I whispered
To the man walking by
My fingers curled
To bade him here.

"What's the meaning of happiness"
I questioned him.
"It's the sun that shines,
The clouds, the grass, the flowers and words. Yes, words."
He said with a convincing look
And so I thought
I'd have a look.

'The sun that shines'
– How the hell do I reach the sun?
"The clouds"
–can't reach it either.
"The Grass"
– they never seem to reply me
"The flowers"
– They're all wilting already.
– What are words?

And so I waited
At the same spot the next day
To question that very same man.

*but he never came
We miss happiness
While searching for it.
certifiednutcase Mar 2014
Why do I keep going back
To the dark path that I've left?
All the shadows with their evil eyes
Snickering lies
I can't withstand.

They pull
and grab me
At the seams.
Lifted me up
And Tossed me into
The Dead Sea.
I float,
But I'm barely breathing.

certifiednutcase Dec 2017
White Sheets;
Souless bodies on beds,
Blankets covering the body,
Where are you now?

Empty Eyes;
Blank face staring at ceilings,
Masking pain felt within,
Who are you, now?

Alcohol Swabs;
Sterilized hands and instruments,
Killing infected cells around,
Are you really here?
certifiednutcase Feb 2017
The usual blaring of
the alarm clock did
to snap me out of my

Still lost in last night's
I stumbled out of bed in
a half-drunk

Then came the loud
It felt as though all the cells of my
being have exploded from
the impact of
the fall.

seem to have stopped for a
minute or two.
The entire universe seemed
to have simply stop and turned to
stare at the mess.

The loud "bang" was
what snapped me out of my
Dream-like state.
I dare say,
I am awake now.
certifiednutcase Nov 2013
I've never meant to go astray.
I've never wanted red wrists
or smelly fingers.
I've never wanted wet sheets
or sleepless nights.

I don't know what to do
or what to say
to make all the pain
go away.

Stuck in a limbo
seeking respite
yet everything else
leaves me in turmoil inside.

Maybe insanity is the new sane
like how being drunk is the new sober.
They say that even hell gets comfy after awhile
I have to say that they're right.

The pain gets addictive,
the burn becomes akin to ant's bite.
There seem to be nothing else
to make me feel alive.

i'm lost.

certifiednutcase Mar 2015
pulling a thousand ton while climbing uphill
rivulets of sweat dripping and watering the
ground as I climb. Lubricating
the ground,
I slip and

the all consuming black hole
engulfing me. too tired
to seek the
I give up.
I can also be found at
certifiednutcase Nov 2018
Tarmac cracks
Under blistening sun,
And i wonder

Funny how one
Thinks about the future
A split second
Thoughts of death.

Is there an easy way
Of this labyrinth
Called ‘life’?
certifiednutcase Dec 2014
Going out with you is like taking a unknown bus,
I do not know where it goes
Nor do I feel comfortable.

Talking to you
Is like reading a foreign language book.
I do not understand .

You want to know what I'm doing,
But I'm a free and independent woman
I do not need weights to tie me down.

I may tell you I'm sorry
But I'm not sorry
Because through all my life
I've learnt to survive on my own.
certifiednutcase Aug 2016
I am up before noon- before
the sun nestles itself at the very peak.

you have not texted me for months
on ends.

I am still alive.
I need no one to live;
All I need is myself(and God).
certifiednutcase Mar 2014
It's kind of funny
How the person who gave you your first breath
Is one that makes you want to have your last.

Laughter once meant to express joy
Now used to cover up void
and anxiety
Of speechlessness
and neediness.

Being the one who begged to move
And now begging to move again
For what used to be Camelot
Is now the worst place.

It's funny how humans talk about love
As though love is tangible.
The way lives intertwine  
Oftentime becomes untwined;

That's what it's supposed to be at the end isn't it?
Straight lines on man-made machines?

It's kind of funny
How what man made while living
Becomes the thing that tells of their leaving.
certifiednutcase Jun 2018
Just have enough courage to go
Up, high up and
Make the final step
Plummeting down into oblivion.

Death would be so wellcoming
Opening its arms
Widely for me
Never letting me go.
certifiednutcase Aug 2014
I wonder,
Who else would look at the clock & think about life.
I'm tired & hungry & suicidal.
I want my exterior to be as broken
As my interior.
People only see the outside
And they don't understand what it's like
To have your mind pitch-black
And your body functioning on auto-pilot.
There's no break, no acceleration. Nothing.
You just do whatever your dark mind makes you do.

It's quiet here
With people minding their own business
Doing their own things.
I wonder,
Who else is like me
Trying to find a way back home.
certifiednutcase Nov 2014

Comb every strand of hair,
Clean every part of your body
And look at them
Appreciate them.

Dress up.
**** society's expectation
Wear your FAVOURITE colour
Wear your mood.

Always prepare for rainy days.
Bring an umbrella,
Bring your sweater
Bring some money,
For warm coffee/tea.

Go out and explore.
Visit cafés and treat yourself,
Visit book shops & libraries
Inhale the aroma of freshly brewed coffe,
The nostalgic smell of old, yellow papers.

Be okay with what you do,
Say things that are on your mind.
Who cares about what people think?
You are who you are
And you're perfect.

Even if you can't love yourself
Always remember that there's a greater God,
whose love is boundless.
Hey, even the birds in the sky,
The flowers on the ground
Fishes in the sea
Have been taken care of by "him"
What else you a human being!
certifiednutcase Mar 2014
Your hollow eyes as you walk past

Showed me your heart.

Had something happened?

Or have you gotten sick of me already?

It’s as though someone plucked out your soul, and threw it on the roadside.

It’s just you and your empty body left

Trodding on this cold hard ground.

Time and time again,

I resisted the urge to call out to you, 

To give you a warm smile

To ignite a flame.

Hugs I’ll give if I could

But you’re so unreachable I couldn’t.

(I miss you and your smile. Where are you now?)
certifiednutcase Oct 2013
The pale moon dreams
Of being noticed.
The bright moon dreams
Of being heard.

The new moon dreams
Of stars in the sky
To get through
The dark night.

The crescent moon dreams
Of being young forever,
While the half moon dreams
Of another half moon
To be with.

The Gibbous moon dreams
Of all moons' dream:
Loved by all
Like a Full Moon.

certifiednutcase Oct 2013
Vacant spaces
Filled with unsaid words
In between strings
Of Broken promises.

Memories never fade
It replays,
By your name.

No more visible signs
To express your care
Nor audible words
Such as a
"I'm here."

Everything fades
And become (no)n-existent.
Not even (more) than a vapor
Of your vanishing love.

I would have told you
"I miss you" from the very start.
*But what if you gave me no more than an end from the very beginning?
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