Teetotalling on the brink of despair
Trying so hard not to be scared
Always a bit on the terrified side
I always try to swallow what's mine
Poorly drawn figures above my bed post
Are shadows that try to make me their host
Always ashamed of what I have said
The next time is what I dread
I don't know how affecting I am
I  may be air
I may be like them
Sheep pass by
I count your mistakes
All is the same
All is insane
Must a shepherd
Find one lost sheep?
All of this is praying for defeat
All i know is that I need to eat
I need some cake
And Steak
All I want is for life fill me up
I watch too many evil things
I see too many evil schemes
I am very good
You too
You too  
You're too much
All we need is somebody
To hold and to be had by
Everything is not target friendly
Everything is not meant to scare me
I am okay with a bargain
Sometimes

Everyday the doctor visits me
She checks if I've eaten an apple for today
I check if she really has a diploma
Is she licensed to save lives?
Is she supposed to marry a doctor?
Maybe he's overqualified

There's a problem with my components
They're all separate and won't fit each other
I wish all my chemicals would create something original
But they refuse to mix
Like oil and water I'm unresolved
There is no solution

Open the bottles carefully
Pour a measured amount into my orifices
Try to mix them perfectly
But you added something malevolent
And now I'm all explosive
And imbalanced
Unstick the ideas
Unmix the chemicals
Let's try again

I begin to realize that the more contact I have with people that don't hold any importance to me the more lonely I am.
When we made out
I felt that you didn't belong to me
nor I to you
The thoughts that come aren't as simple anymore
It isn't just "I'm sad" "I'm depressed"
Now it's "I'm lonely in a home that will never feel like home"
"I'm dying every time I smile at you"
"I'm okay and then I'm not"

They **** your flesh
But the spirit will flourish
Educate yourselves on this mental dictatorship!
They knock on your door
Ask you psychological questions
It's illegal to be a mentally ill person
In 2020
They place you in gas chambers
They want to destroy the demon inside
In the process
You lie
So you won't die

There is no solace when you are trapped
I am trapped in mistakes
I am stuck in a constant argument with myself
Debating silently, day by day
Whether or not my bad decisions will lead somewhere good
Because with karma there is no gray area
There is no consolation
I am either losing or winning
I am not feeling very sure about these days
But at least it helps me grab at every opportunity
And see the blessings in every situation
But if my faith falters
Due to some insignificant event that I cannot control
Because someone else is in control
Then please tell me
What is justice in a world of remorse?

Hi everyone
I'm so sorry I haven't been around lately
Please accept this considerate apology
As a sign that I am still caring for all of you
I have all these things to do
But I never stop thinking about you
I love my life
I am so very fulfilled
And I still have not forgotten any of you
I wish you the best
I hope you have the time of your lives
Stay golden

It's the ones that get away that make you tap your ink on the screen
Helping themselves to servings of you to have you mercilessly dream
Succulent messy dishes that they mean to say
Descriptive rich adjectives that blur your mind away
So they devour you and everything you want to leave behind
They don't mean to but they say clearly what you are defined
They have all the hospitals holding broken hearts
And have you heard the rumors that they have no good start?
They are always in the middle
They never start or end
Forever making amends
Forever till they stop
Pretending is enough
If pretense is present tense
It's enough that they see you for who you are
It's enough if they find a real star
Blue and gaseous
They are so away so far

My brother has milk on his hands
He doesn't like seeing the milk
So he delivers them to the neighbors
Even when they are lactose intolerant

I'm learning to respect my strength
I used to be spiteful of it
As a woman, I am expected to be feminine, distressed, graceful, always right
I am not sure how it came to be but I have not respected the order of things
I have not seen that in this spiteful way I have regarded my willfulness
It has also become my saving grace in times of malcontent
My truth is clear
I am not strong because I am
I am strong because I was made by strong stuff
My mother stubborn, smart, sensual
My father intellect, humor, heart
God
I am not credited for anything that I am
But I am graced with the empowerment of women
That would not be difficult today
I cannot stop fighting even if it's easily given
Because it is a battle not a gift

So I said
Continue
I'm scared of mistakes
This is me
Everyone I know
Has me figured out
Except I
Julie Delpy
Spirit-animal
Soul of ****
In the ***** of her holiness
Whole
I pride in the mystery of mischief
I can hold my breath
As I hold your hand
I can handstand in the face of death
I can die laughing at myself
Who am I?
You have me figured out
Why not tell me what you see?

She's like ink on parchment paper
Solid with faded edges
She's got a lot of weight while being light
Trying to make sense of the shape
At the same time respecting it
I respond in kind by being weightless, a feather quill
To her I am a threaded needle, continuously progressing into a seam
Starting from the beginning until the end
Making a garment without any shape or form
Responding in kind with a letter of my own
A
Ey!
Hey.
As cryptic as where we started
It has potential to end
If I continue our thread there could be a *** of gold that isn't a fool's
There could be a painting made for my frame
There is something about her skin that deserves solid lines
That stretches out toward the strobe lights
That makes its way toward the true light
If paradise was meant for the wicked
Then we are created to balance good and evil

Mom said it was just a dream
There was a time I dreamt about where you are
I think it still was mine to give

I am dressing up like I want to be Johnny Depp's girlfriend
Helvetica is not the font I am looking for
There is a little shame in being trendy
There's no shame in wearing a little Fendi
My hair cut short like I don't care
Dark lips
Daisy dukes
A plain white tee
Little tattoos to speckle my body like stars on a glazey galaxy
My glass slippers make my want to break into a dance
Everything is an emotion
The air is thick with the stickiness of sexiness
I am a Professional
But being a model isn't my job
My favourite age is 22
I'm not yours to keep
I am me to be mine
I am not ready
I am already
I shine
I am a millennial
I look a million bucks
I am worth it

To sooth the mind with planted thoughts
That are in soil that let roots grow
Mighty aging healthy tree
Whose seeds which we continue to spread
On earth that mighty men do tread

A yellow bird sits on my knee
It says "Hello, I am reincarnated mother"
She was dead picking the poisoned flower
From the shelf of her wayward children
We have no way of knowing right from wrong
We will go on living as rebellious bird daughters
Flitting from heart to heart
Seeking shelter in men's broken parts
Crying when we cannot start
Laughing when we finish money
Eating away our sadness
Motherless daughters without any stress
Trading our mother's feathers for a new dress

Hi,

I wrote to you from the future. My face when I wrote it was like "I know everything."
When I read it now, my face was like, "I still know everything"

Thanks Teacher,
Least Favorite Student

I wonder if cats care for music
Because their meows are so emotional
I wonder if I need to listen to what you're saying
Because I hear you and the melody sounds rad
I need music
Music needs fans
I need music
It puts me in the zone
Thoughts that make sense
The air feels so dense
Swallowing air
I've never felt more intense
The feelings are driving me home
I can't believe you're from this world
Because I've always felt like an alien soul
Something tells me
Someday I'll meet you

The day he went away
I didn't know what I would do
So I took all the clams
Examined their insides
Then understood
That this is what the world is about

My worth is not seen by the harrowing nature of my own eyes
I have seen too many lives pass before me
They are wilted
Jilted by an unrequited dream
Lives that are my own because I always place myself inside your heart
If I could take the next bus home it would be toward that time when
I was 10
I hugged my Papa so tight because he was at my birthday party
That would both be the sad and happy time for me
Only to experience great loss and great gain and great forgetfulness
The fear of neglect is so close to my heart
That when I feel any sort of bird born in my cages
It is also a trap to set it free
There is a song sung before it flies away:

"Premature maturity
The never ending running man
In one place is a rot on my mind
Until it dies of nothing
Because my body is where ideas come to grow and die and bear fruit
My body is where I am alive for the new roots to plant itself in my skull
To listen to the whisper of the woman in my ear
She says she is my mother
There is nothing to fear"

But why Mama did you leave us?
To grow in a place where nobody knows us
To belong in a world where you are rejected
Your children feeling nothing but loneliness

The back of my head is haunted by a man looking over my shoulder
He sees everything I have searched for
I find nothing
But he finds me without fail
He knows everything

That man inside this cage of mine
His nose is broken, his grin is crooked like a hunger inside him is restless
There is a dark pit I cannot find
If I find it I might just get lost in thought
Pondering on an idea I can't quite remember
My mind treads unto idea upon idea
Until the stores have closed
It's nothing short of a shame
I don't mind your sorries
I only mind the explanations

If you could only find me my father again

Nobody has to know about me
I am a person of insignificance
I only prioritize truth or beauty
There is no need to know about me
I am not like the Saints of past
I am no hero who does any deed so valiant
I need every inch of strength to give to my heart
For my heart is weak in times like these
Time makes we wane and wither
I usually can't fall in love
If I do find a true love
It becomes an obsession
To never see the darkness in another heart
I am imperfect in every way
I know that I shall never see that daylight coming
For I know one thing
Nobody will know about me
I will stay invisible to the naked eye
A telescope is needed to see my stars
I am so very near you
I am nobody of significance
I wish to start my journey as Anonymous
Carving no name on this road I pave
Heaven can wait
Until I am nobody's name

Neglected as a child that arrived much too late in the family

My behaviour erratic
My speech far from smooth
These days I can't wait to cut down anyone
Who thinks life is a bed of roses on a cloud
Life is not effortless like the rainbow you so seek
These days people are afraid
The spark dying
The fire extinguishable
Do not be depressed from what I say
There is family to hold you up
And words to console
These things are meant to be
There is a correctness in some rare person
But Me? I am far from right
I am twisted
Like a crooked spine, I hurt
If someone out there feels as I do
That no consolation may come due to uncorrectable mistakes
Please let me not feel so alone
Hopeless cases that we are
Erasures all over our life's draft
I can see my follies plain as day
I can see you clearly
There is a correctness in some rare person
Judgement, I pray you be far from swift and close to gentle
I plan to live out my days trying
Best efforts are like flower buds blooming
I plan to be celebrated for my triumphs over my trials
When I have died trying

How can my feet hold up all my weight?
From my sick mind
To my weak heart
To my bloated stomach
To my heavy hands
My used ******
My tired legs
If the gods asked for my soul
I would say no
Take my feet
They will decide for you the weight my life

How can my feet hold the weight of my whole life?
I haven't got a clue how to be lighter
I'm sorry feet for being so tall and wide
You're only average sized
You'll have to give me my bearings
Bear with me
You'll need to carry me
When I have fallen down
You'll need to take me there
Even if I'm going nowhere
The other parts of my body have been carried by you to places
You've touched all kind of floors
Worn shoes out
Climbed flights of stairs
Rubbed against other feet
That's the only glamour this life
That and soft socks

And if I had no feet
I would need to make new ones anyway
Then my body would act as feet
Or my knees would act as feet
Trickling up it's strength to give me the grounded feeling we all seek

Pretty feet that have gone far in life
Working feet that have stayed put
Solid Feet who tread mountainous terrain
Broken feet which always are what a heart feels like only sometimes hopefully
If my spirit is broken
My feet don't dance
If my legs are crossed because they don't care to move
My feet will care for you
Bobbing up and down
In impatience
Waiting for changes
So she can plant herself down again
Allowing me to stand up for what I believe
Firmly planted on the ground
Prepared to do or not do
Prepared to walk with dignity
Prepared to run for my life

While my hands will always know the pleasantness of play
My favorite part of the day
Is when I take off my shoes
And they two are free to walk on wood
To rub against the fabric of my sheets
Feel the belly of my pet
To sleep
Till they wake again
They are the first to rouse
When they touch down
I know I can take on the day
To stand on my own two feet

There is so much strength in the unapologetic nature of my sisters
When they do not duck or quake when the bad word is uttered in their name
It is the foundation of dignity to become aware so words are said with  conviction. The music makes sense when you sing to the crowd and they listen

Don't take applause as a sign of correctness
Even megalomaniacs have heard cheers

Listen to the audience thinking about what you've said

Move them from underneath the ground they stand
Be an earthquake so they are forced to balance their ideas
Let them fall into the cracks, so they can climb out with both hands, make them fight for their thoughts on you
Whatever it is they think of you, let their opinion be well placed
Not thrown like a rotten tomato

To my sisters, let me remind all with a gentle memo:
Free Speech can lose value
Especially when you listen to your worst critic but lean on your number one fan: Yourself

You need to listen to yourself think.
Thinking takes time
Words are quicksand
It's not about the number of decisions made in the life given
It's about the quality of those choices in the years I am given.
The maker is giving me a choice what sand to place in my hourglass.

Practical shoes on your feet
Squeaky clean vision could be 17
I always thought fashion was cynical
But you tell me it’s how your heart beats from withdrawal
when your marrying your hurt with my button down
It’s so easy to tell you secrets
Especially when you’re full of them
Let’s just end this how it begun
With my tongue
She doesn’t have a boyfriend though
But she ***** like she’s got plans to
Oh God.
She hasn’t had a bad day in ages
She messes around like she has that too
Dressing up zoned out
in a trance
I’m in doubt it’s what’s it’s all about
it’s just a way to get to the next room
you shout, out loud you say
you’re living a puzzle that keeps shifting
your trapped  
'It's my way out'
She doesn’t have a boyfriend though
But she ***** like she’s got plans to
Oh God.
She hasn’t had a bad day in ages
She messes around like she has that too
It’s another aroma stuck in my mouth
'It's my way out I'd do it all over again'
Your beating heart says yes yes yes

Needles. Needles. ****. ****

There is no destiny
There is no fate
There is no truth
Or justice
Or love

There is no radiation
Pollution
Or corruption
There is no right
Left
Or wrong

Nothing to dance to
No song
No dream to cling to
No hope

There is no age to live for
No beauty to fight for
There is no love

There is no wonder
Power
Or Lust
There is no war
No killing
No blood to spill
No God to fear
No list to finish
No melting sun

There is no marriage
There is no soul
There is no you
There is no warmth
There is no fight to win
There is nothing to lose

No French kisses
No French fries
No transfat
There are no lies.

There is nothing in this world that will please you
Nothing in your heart that will ease you.
Of all the deep wants you yearn to have
Nothing will fill your emptiness
So take all you want
And give all you can
And live to die
And die for (something you think is) love
For nothing is real
Nothing is fake
Everyone’s helpless
There is no need to hate.

You love me
Did you forget?
You said you'd never
Did you forget?
I did nothing
Did you remember?
Because of all you gave me
You remember
You said I changed
Did you forget?
You said I'm different
Did you forget?
It's time we parted
Oh yea, it's dark here
Turn on the light
I think I forgot
Now I remember
You've been dead 6 years

There are ways to know that people are not more than people
You listen
You feel something
You read in between the sighs they make
People cannot save us
People cannot make us good
We are our makers and breakers
I love my mother
She was my maker
But now I am older
There is another one inside me
That I make for himself
This is not going to fulfil me
Once any of these is fulfilled
I just know my ears hear
And I know my eyes see you
More and more
I can truly feel
Every ounce of sadness given to my life
My breath is slow and deep
Steadiness is my being and essence
I am hoping to be beneath the earth
In good time my moment will come
And after all I promised him I would never die prematurely
This is for myself
This is for nobody
But myself

I don't follow the order of anything
There are no rules in me
There is only the deep longing
To invent

Nobody likes ugly
Cracked pills
Shackled head
Pushed down
To give you head
It's me you see
That used to be
Happy and free
But now I have added
And you have subtracted
On my resume
Good is gone
Bad has begun
Nobody likes ugly
And I am very
Very Beautiful on the outside

I hope for what you would have done for me
You would have given the world just to be with me
Now I would give myself
For the graze of your lips
And for the sound of your laughter
You kept with me a reminder
That I am a good person
I want never to forget

Wait
You don't have to make up your mind right away
I never stressed you out
So wait
The building is blocking the sky
It's driving me to climb the highest heights
I don't have to give you an answer
There's no rush at all to answer
I'm digging a pit
It's a slow process
I said wait
Don't speed up your grave
Keep yourself from anything final
Avoid any brashness, youth is a trial
Some think it denial
It's only the finals
Life goes on
Until death becomes a wall
I climb it with a grappling hook
Dying is not easy, like living
It's not final, like living
You need to get to heaven based on a struggle
It's not purgatory
It's called breathing in a vacuum
Pray for your vices to become devices
Pray for your chances to become a royal flush
Pray for your family, hope they meet you, on the other side is a life of virtue
Hope you know that I am gone
Don't be afraid of being alone
Don't you know when I'm gone
I'll be returning everything I borrowed?
In merits and favors
I have a list made up for dreams
These things are made for beams of light to pass through us
To cast a light and shower blessings upon those we love
These are words used in hoping you're born alright
I'm praying for you to arrive alright
From your previous life

Tell me something I should understand
How am I going to escape the cage
If the cage  is so big and flexible
That I forget that I'm an animal
And mistakenly think?
I need limits
Not choices
The proof is in the choices we make
We always make the wrong one
They are so bad at disguising their gravity
And we feel the weight on our shoulders
So easily burdening our entirety
With soulless, endless chitter chatter
That our brains can't help but smile wide
And hope that nobody sees us crack
We are condemned to a life of uneasiness
My world is a rocky boat
And my mistakes are huge waves crashing unto me
My life vest seems so small and insignificant
I am not sure what outcome will come out of this
Live or die
Both seem quite sad
The ocean is too big

I am adapting
So I never have to suffer your insults
Jests that come out of no where
That ride my eyes like a valley of soft peaches
Pure
You are pure
Everything I ever wanted
Cure
You're the cure
Everything I ever needed
Who am I to judge the ones that cover their faces
With hasty foundations on sand
I am an oasis
Where is your island?
Pure, you are pure
Everything I ever wanted
Cure, you're the cure
Everything I ever needed
You are casting a shadow on my eye
You are the lightning in my cloud
Above me, you make it rain
I will always call you vain
Sure
You are sure
You are everything I ever wanted
Pure
You are sure
You are everything I had wanted

I slipped on orange juice in a grocery mart in Australia
A kindly lady picked me up
I was told I announced my existence in a grocery
My mother's water broke while she was shopping in the local town's
My elder sister of 7 years picked up the phone at customer service to call my dad

I think that color made for frames

I have been lost in a million stars
Stars that have been lost in your eyes
They told me when I was almost out of ideas
That I ought to make you my idea
They told me then, that when I have lost my voice
That I ought to speak your words
To steal your thoughts
To make them mine
To steal your heart
And steal your time
For when it's all over
You'd steal back mine
You'd make sure that every moment I called your name
I was calling Gods
To repeat myself
Over and over
Even though I'm almost over you
It seems I haven't gotten lost
But I find myself lost inside your memory
Always clinging unto you
May I rest eternally
May I hope for that dream, paradise
For when you are there
Then I will be happy

Are my mistakes causing rushed thoughts?
Am I making a mistake?
Is my mind in the wrong place?
Too many questions
Too much thinking
Too much sinking
I feel rushed
Smushed
Pushed
Hushed
Discussion is long
I don't feel the love
I have been doing the bad thing
I have been mixing the wrong things
Taking daily medicine
To cure my ill
I have shame to deal with
I rush and mumble my songs
And shake and tremble my paragraphs
I'm afraid I won't stop talking
I'm afraid I won't stop hallucinating
Fantasizing
Criticizing
Rationalizing
Always stroking myself
Others
Stroking
I love that band
Maybe they're stroking my pain
I'm in so much pain
I can't even feel any of the pain
I just think I feel it
But it's not really felt
I'm jumping from one idea to another
I know
I verbalize
I narrate
Every breath I intake
I suggest
Salivate
Enunciate
***
***
***
***

There are ways in the road which signs you don't have to read
You can just drive and drive drive safely.
Parking spaces are meant to be provided
By this who pray the Parking Prayer

"Jesus Jesus, Please give me a parking space"

The party is tomorrow
If you want to join you should say no
If you want to join you should say yes
If you want to get in an accident you can say yes

Think of the right words
In the right moment
make believe
You are impenetrable

So much to look forward to
If I knew the password

How much time does it take
Before I forget again?
How much tries does it take
Before I'm locked out?

Try to keep the access closed
To friends and family
But you know when someone human comes along
It's all amnesia from this point
Too many passcodes
Too many characters
Too weak
Too common
Uniqueness is strength
In this game of entering
Realms await
If only you can penetrate
The wall of encryption

Help yourself
And give it away
I did
And now I never forget
How to get to my emails
Hate mail
It's easy
Just pay a $1.99!
And pray the spam folder empties no love letters
From your one true love
Secrets all revealed
Until you have nothing left
But exposure
Now the fame has come
Everyone is scandalized
Nobody cares about the secrets you keep
Only the secrets you reveal
And a password is one of them

Hope you change it
Before it does

There is something about the way
The calendar changes months
The leaves fall on the grass
The wrinkles in your face
The beauty of a space
That's slowly turning yellow from white
That sepia tone over the phone
As we talk about that friend of ours
There is something about the way I smile
So confident
Assured
Practiced
It's a beautiful day when I see a familiar face
And once a again
Youth spreads its wings over me
Like a pelican
It's scoops me up
As though I am fish
I pray that you never lose the spritely skip in your heart
When you do a brave thing
I pray that a grin takes a hurdle to make
And that a giggle is taken forcibly out of you
I hope you brave the storms of sadness
By fighting with your entire body
To laugh at the face of The Great One
And to hold in your arms
The love of your lifetimes
"Efforts were made" you can say
"To make this moment bliss."

A perfectionist
Gets disappointed easily
Even when things are enough or ok
She wants more
Unsatisfied with the beauty
She burns all that is passable

So anyway the next day we had the hardest time
Because I haven't loved my twin
Then when I do the things I love the time is ripe
Then when you have a literal mind everyday
I don't even like to read notes
I only know that I have a way with words
I'm writing to you
That I have the worst breath ever
You need to get a grip of yourself
Then when I get to the cab
The man tells me I'm a good person
So I meet a korean man who tells me
Then when we go home
We always have the hardest time

My Lola Pilar
Was a collector of precious things
Her most prized possesion is her memory
When that went away she fell away
Her heart filled with sorrow or joy only
I miss our breakfast mornings
Even when I was older
And sat in the table
In last night’s clothes
I hope I didn’t break your heart like your children
I’d like to believe I made you proud
By living the way you did
Making my own memories

You hand me a pamphlet for the heart you're selling to the mob
Nobody wants it, everyone wants to show you their cool shoulder

It's beautiful to see you out on the field
Your heart on the line
Trying to stop the flatline from being and ending
You know the stories don't end well for those like yourself
It's mostly more for the father you never had
For the faith you want so bad to have
To forgive yourself for being too late
For lasting this long without trying

Life has an edge and its knife cuts your wound open like a sore
Letting out the past like a demon from the past
Trying to let myself go and you let me go on
Let's be friends again like we were before
Innocence is not on the menu this time
We are grown-ups
Let's try again
Let's swear again
Pinky promises last until you pass on to the next life
There's nobody to interpret the scent of your sweat
All I know is I have what you bet
You are all of me swept off my feet
Let me sweep you off yours
Let's give each other a chance