if i could,
i would hold your hand
even if your rings would hurt my fingers

if i could,
i would embrace you
even if your hold would be too tight

if i could,
i would kiss you
even if it would leave a metallic taste in my mouth

and if i could,
i would love you
but.

why
do people
yearn
for answers
when
living simply
is so much better

(being happy
like this
is definitely
so much better.)

we have two ears
     and
  a mouth
            for a reason.

*humans,
             by nature,
     are supposed to be
                  creatures
   that listen.

they say we make our own choices,
that we choose our own paths.
we only have ourselves to blame,
if we ever fail.

but we,
we are all bound
by the same chains,
threads,
and webs
of the inevitable.

we meet new people,
and from thereon,
they have affected us
and,
we have affected their futures.

we spit out words--
words that may not hold meaning to us--
but influence others
so, so much
(in all kinds of ways--the good, the bad, and the in-between).

remember this:
we should not be pulled down by our past.

rather:
it is because we only have one past,
but we have infinite futures.

and you dare stand up from the sheets where our body fluids have mixed and dried, wordlessly dressing yourself up and leaving the echo of the door closing in your wake and just you ******* wait i'm going to lace your tea with poison, and oh, isn't it just unfortunate that your house has this terribly long staircase and your wife just always had to wear frighteningly high heels?

but then again, you'd like that, wouldn't you? you at my mercy just like a few hours ago when i pinned your wrists above your head and your pelvis under the curve of my ****, painfully teasing you with the slow drag of my hips, impaling myself on you, raising myself up so so slowly until only the head of your **** catches on the lips of my entrance and i slam myself back on you, as you gasp and gasp and gasp, begging for release, for mercy, like the pathetic lover you are with your cries spurring me on, the trembles of your body betraying you, betraying your wife, but never betraying me because you know, ******* you, you know, deep inside, that you are mine—you are mine and i will never let you go

they lead me towards the center,
a crowd gathers.

i laugh
as i get dragged,
their faces
wary
(of me? but why--)

i inhale,
then exhale.

they wrap a thread
(a rope? i don't know~)
around my neck.

it tickles,
and i giggle louder.

then the stool underneath me is kicked.

there will come a time
when you'll find yourself lost
in the blazing throes of passion,
and you'll forget what the meaning of right is
because you know what you're doing is wrong,
but it just feels so **** right.

close
your eyes.
rid yourself
of the wrinkles
between your brows.
forget
about everything.

inhale.
exhale.

and fly.

walls,
worn out with pride
paint,
scratched off with anger
floor,
mudded with vices.

start again.

(and there goes the sound of destruction.
then silence.
all that is left
is a broken wasteland.)

like a summer flower
drying from thirst
yearning for water
i drink hungrily

same smile, same tears (what is this why)
your laugh, beautiful (who are you it hurts stop)
name to be forgotten, goodbye (no wait please)
ray of light (are you--)

and i suppose
               that you are a window—
    playing it safe,
        observing everything
  from a distance.
       (and i suppose
                    that i
             am your curtains.)

judge
     by the color of one's heart,
not
     by the color of one's skin.

scream
  loudly.
     fill this world—this void
with your colors.

raise your head up high,
    chin up.
never forget—
       nonetheless, forgive.

          let the wild beating of your heart
 run and dance with this stuffy atmosphere.

let it all be free.

at first,
he had felt that
everything was going too fast
and that he could only stand and stare
as the world passed by.

now,
his whole world
became her,
and never had it been so
easy (painful)
as before.

there was a time
when you were larger than life
you flew when you ran
and you were so beautiful
you were so great

now i see you
on that white bed
that matched your equally pale face
and i want to hate you
because how could you have been so dumb to become this weak

but i can't
and i just sigh
as i simply resign
myself
(from what, i wonder
for what, i wonder)

"Fly for me, sweetheart," you said
but how could i
when you were my wings

breathless,
i press my
red, iron lips
on your
cold, unmoving ones.

i'll find you again.

in this stressful society we have,
so much slanders,
                              sins,
                                     scandals
                                                     have been scrutinized over
and over
              again
for the satisfaction of sardonic,
                      scornful,
      "sacred"
­disparagers.

      nothing shocks me more
           than the so-called "spectacular" sculpturing of others
  based on the dehumanizing standards
                                                       ­            of mankind.

shackled
              by the scalding hands of screeching vermins,
why do we keep on letting ourselves be scarred--
                                  stuttering,
     ­                                                shuddering,
              screaming
for help
because simple succors are never,
                                       have never been,
                                         will never be
                                                                  enough?

why
       do we keep letting ourselves be singled out
as stigmas
        when "failing" society's endless scans for
superficial perfection?

*(how sickening.)

how do
people
go
insane?

they say
they drown in it.
isn't it more like,
suffocating?

you either choose
to stop breathing,
and the drive to
control yourself
will get to you,
andor
you just
run out of
air to breathe.

pressed against the cold bricks
outside the church,
she smiles around your lips,
her breath harsh on your face,
her scent compelling you with want;
you ravish her mouth,
thinking that maybe if you went deep enough,
you could stay inside her forever.
the drizzle comes to a stop,
and you hear nothing but the pastor saying:
Refrain from sin,
and He will let you in His Kingdom!

it's almost two in the morning.
i toss and turn,
roll around--
nothing.

sighing, i sit up,
and think to myself,
"This hasn't happened in a while."

my mind automatically goes back to that time,
when i was younger,
and our family went to the capital.
slept in some fancy hotel
with some fancy people
with their fancy clothes.

on the second night we stayed there,
i couldn't get a wink of sleep.
i don't know whether if it was because of exhaustion
or something else.

naturally,
the next morning was hell.
i was pissy and bored
as we waited for father in the lobby.
i couldn't take a nap in public because, well,
i had my pride, of course!

chewing a gum quite aggressively,
i observed my surroundings.
my gaze hopped from one person to another.
a royal from a country i haven't even heard of.
an important figure in politics.
a celebrity.
a kid.

white blonde hair?

i haven't seen hair of that shade.
it was quite unnatural here.
i whipped my head to the left and saw
two beautiful people.

the taller was around my age.
he had the same mop of hair as the kid i saw (the shorter).
the child, on the other hand,
was most probably no older than six.
they were both awesome.

the light glowed on their figures,
and it looked like they were godsend.

i haven't seen anything more beautiful.

and who knew that who knows how many years later,
i would find myself looking back on that vivid memory.

as if it had happened yesterday.

(i feel like i'm still stuck in that time.)

img: sweat dripping down the curve of her neck, seeping through the collar of her shirt, tugging down said shirt & fanning herself, a popsicle, a wicked tongue lazily swirling around the top, a whisper & a light breeze by the ear, hot & bothered, warm, safe, loved, lusted after, all the same, cicadas crying out, hazy memories, hair messily pinned up, tiny pecks & heavy kisses, giggles, *** & cuddles, no blankets, cat & pup, iced tea, condensation dripping & pooling on a desk, sunlight streaming through the blinds, hands intertwined, soaked sheets, content smiles, bliss

the summer breeze gently ruffles my clothes
i tuck my hair behind my ear
and smile as i observed leaves and petals dance.

a beautiful mix of greens, pinks, violets, blues and reds.
they flow with the wind so smoothly
just like you.

and i find myself thinking of you again.

(i was already happy,
very happy.)

(two babies
born to perfect parents.)

their eyes light up
when they see her.
they doll her up,
spoil her (but, of course, not too much)
and work hard
only for her.

on weekends,
they play around,
have picnics,
and maybe do some sightseeing.

at home,
the three of them eat dinner
happily,
without a care in the world.
they talk about her studies,
her interests,
her clubs,
and her love.
the father pouts,
not wanting his daughter to be snatched away from him.
the mother laughs,
elbowing the father and encouraging their daughter.

such a happy, little family.

(goodbye.)

sometimes,
   we find ourselves
with no choice,
   but to watch.

i giggle at a friend's joke
and wave goodbye to them.
i walk by the streets, kicking rocks
and thinking of dumb old things.

i open the door to the house,
and i am almost used to the sharp, berating voices inside.

i shut them out,
and lay exhausted on my bed.

putting an arm over my eyes,
i rest.

and wake up to them,
looking at me with horrified eyes.
my room is a mess--
a beheaded stuffed bear,
broken ceramics,
crushed scissors,
a butcher knife in my hand,
and warm, crimson fluid streaming down my arm.

what happened, i wonder?

and no matter how much i tell myself that i will never be anything to you but a hole to ****, as i twist my head back to look at you, your eyes closed with bliss, the space between your eyes wrinkled, and your lips stuttering with harsh grunts with every ****** of your body in me,
a whine escapes my mouth,
and almost carelessly, as if it cost you nothing at all,
you reach down down down;
mercy comes in the form of your tongue on my lips, and like a parched traveler, i drink from your mouth
as if it were an oasis in this ****** wasteland

1.) i don't want another kid to feel the same way i did.

2.) some kids just really want to be hugged and told that they are loved.

3.) some kids need to know that someone cares about them.

4.) some kids are too sad that they become misunderstood—

5.)—i want to understand.

6.) i want kids to grow up not thinking that they wanted to die every time they woke up.

8.) i want kids to understand that violence will never be the answer—

9.)—nor is self-harm—

10.)—and most especially, not suicide

11.) i want kids to grow up feeling happy with themselves even though the adults around them can't.

12.) i want kids to grow up thinking that they are beautiful and worth every single breath they are given.

13.) i want kids to accept themselves for who they are, not for what their parents want them to be.

14.) i want kids to learn how to love not only others, but especially themselves.

15.) some kids struggle to trust the people around them because of adults (who are supposed to reassure them and make sure they are safe).

16.) living *****, and kids especially need all the help they need.

17.) i want kids to feel hope inside of them—

18.)—to feel like they're living instead of simply existing.

19.) i want them to know that there is and always will be hope for them—

20.)—regardless of grades, race, gender, ****** orientation, age, physical appearance, clothes, hair color, piercings, etc., etc.—

21.) —because those things don't—shouldn't—matter to others at all.

22.) i want kids to feel and know that there is someone who wants to listen to them—

23.)—someone who isn't "too busy for their whininess and angsts".

24.) i want them to feel as comfortable as they are in their own bodies—

25.)—not want them to rip their eyeballs out of their sockets or to starve themselves until their weights drop faster than a rollercoaster because they "weren't good enough".

26.) i don't want them to grow up thinking of "all adults are awful" as an amazing alliteration.

27.) i want them to know they are worth every single day they wake up.

28.) i want them to learn the meaning of "love"—

29.)—agape, most especially.

30.) i want them to believe in themselves.

31.) and i want them to keep on believing in this world.

(because we're all just people broken in many different ways trying to survive in this world, aren't we?)

swallowing
the fear at
the back of my throat
I
take a step
forward

and there i was
staring above,
seemingly intimidated
by the dark clouds
that hovered
around

my mother,
with her
sad eyes
and
her sad smile,
uttered,

"Even dark clouds have their own silver linings, dear."

(i just
l a u g h e d

and

l   a    u     g      h       e        d)

the raindrops
that had been
eternally falling down
splash wildly
back to the sky