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2 a.m.
B P Aug 2016
2 a.m.
I am well acquainted
with 2 am.
this is not because
I am awake and living and loving
but because
I feel the opposite
the world feels too big for me
at least at 2 am
when it is dark
and I am curled into a ball
hidden under quaking covers
the world feels a little smaller.
maybe
if this world were smaller
I would fit better.
there is too much space
in our world.
it needs to be filled
but i do not feel
deserving enough
to fill it.
#lonely #dark #space #quiet #night #small #2am
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America, The Beautiful
B P Oct 2015
America, The Beautiful
Our world is corrupted
The people disrupted
Happiness interrupted

Walking down the street is a challenge
There’s pointing fingers,
There’s danger around every corner

Taught to assume everyone’s dangerous
Taught not to be alone at night
Taught to constantly be defensive
for it seems everyone has a gun these days.

Nothing can be said
Nothing can be worn
Without offending someone.

America the beautiful
America the afraid.
America, from sea to shining sea
America, pollution to destruction.
America, thy liberty in law
America, discrimination on the down low.

So many ads destroying self confidence
So many stereotypes for our kids to grow into
So quick to blame others for our problems
So quick to shame ourselves.

America, the beautiful.
Our world is corrupted.
The people, disrupted.
Happiness interrupted.
#stereotypes #america #unhappiness #corruption #theamericandream
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Anorexia Nervosa
B P Nov 2015
Anorexia Nervosa
How could she do that to herself.
her collarbones almost popping out of her skin
because she is a skeleton already
her ribcage a tally of the meals she has skipped
one, two, three, four, too many to count
her hipbones protrude like shards of glass
shattered like her self esteem
thighs that no longer touch
calves miles apart
gaps on her body
gaps between meals

her head is a mixed up land
with broken mirrors all around
her friend ana reflected in the shards
she is so familiar with these eating habits they have a name
ana ana ana ana ana
runs through her brain
the calorie counter in her head runs
is an apple worth it anymore?
skip dinner
wake up thinner
pretty girls do not eat.

her body is brittle
she looks like she could break with a touch
but she is already broken inside
the fight is over
she knows it too
she is fading away.

how could i do this to myself.
trigger warning.
#eating #starving #eatingdisorder #ana #anorexia #selflove #meals #selfesteem #selfhate #triggerwarning
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(apologies)
B P Aug 2016
(apologies)
I’m sorry
I wear my body like an apology
I’m sorry
I take up so much space
I’m sorry
I speak quietly
Or not at all
Because my voice takes up so much space
And what if someone else wants to talk?

I’m sorry
I push you away
And I’m sorry
I’m insecure
And I’m sorry
I apologize so much.
#space #insecure #small #apologies #apologetic
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Beauty is a Perspective
B P Jun 2015
Beauty is a Perspective
Don't tell me I'm beautiful
I cannot listen
I will not believe you

Prove it to me
Make your eyes reflect my soul
Show me with your hands
Sculpt a picture with your voice
Create something out of the shattered remains
Of a mirror, of my mind
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Blood as a Reminder
B P Jun 2015
Blood as a Reminder
Blood wells up
Beauty in red
Stay strong, they say
You will not sink.

How can I explain
These stripes keep me strong?
Blood is vital to life
And so
I bleed for a reminder
It shows I'm alive.
#selfharm #scars #reminders
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Concerts Are Homes
B P Mar 2016
Concerts Are Homes
1.
Drum beats
pound loudly
replacing your heart beat
in your chest
reaching deep within you
igniting fires and vibrations and causing earthquakes
deep within

2.
lyrics
profound and loud
thousands of voices
singing the same words together
the words we all have imprinted
in our hearts
find a home in this crowd
the words finally flowing
free and loud and passionate

3.
sound
filling you up
every pore, every hole,
no space left for anything else
you are this moment
there is no other time
it is simply now
and it is simply loud
and you are the music
body moving in tune
sound moving through you

4.
music
is everything
this moment
is everything
nothing else matters
everything is okay
everything is pure and lovely and right again
you fit in
there is a home for you
and for everyone like you
in this music
it does not matter you are strangers
you are all one in the same
and this concert is a home for everyone
Written in the middle of a Fall Out Boy concert, when I felt at peace with myself for the first time in a long time. I realized the people around me are my family, even if the songs mean something entirely different to them, and concerts are my true home.
#home #music #family #drums #sound #concert #falloutboy
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Dinnertime
B P Jan 2016
Dinnertime
head between my knees
fetal position

don’t eat

on the bathroom floor
tears streaming down my face

skinny

hunger pains
stomach crying out for food

thinspiration

pinching the fat
fat on my thighs

ana ana ana

fat on my stomach
fat everywhere

don’t eat

Will I ever be okay again?
I love you, stay strong.
#eating #eatingdisorder #ana #anorexia #bulimia #fat #triggerwarning #donteat #willibeokay
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Eating Disorders and the Holidays
B P Dec 2015
Eating Disorders and the Holidays
please
do not
make comments
like “I’m going to stuff my face”
this is a trigger

please
do not
mention how fattening the food is
believe me I know
I am a calculator
nothing goes in
without me counting the calories
this is a trigger

this dinner table
is a battleground
i am fighting myself

please
do not
tell me
“its the holidays,
you deserve it”
it is not that simple and
this is a trigger

please
do not
make me a spectacle
If I could eat
whatever you are eating
believe me
I would.
this is a trigger

this dinner table
is a battleground
but I
will beat
my disordered thoughts
I love you, and stay safe around the holidays.
#food #anorexia #eatingdisorders #trigger #triggerwarning #holidays #battleground #eatingandtheholidays
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Good and Bad
B P Aug 2015
Good and Bad
There's good days
and bad days
one day the world is sunny
but the next on my shoulders

I can laugh and smile and enjoy the day
be with my friends and feel good
ignore my flaws
smile, not cry

but when I am alone
the sadness drowns me
the pain engulfs me
the mirror pains me
the tears escape me

There's good times
and bad times
I've felt sad for so long
but I can still smile
I hold on to that.
#good #bad #baddays #gooddays
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If My Body Was Someone Else's
B P Dec 2015
If My Body Was Someone Else's
if this body was
not mine. would i still hate it
and treat it the same?
treat yourself right. I love you.
#haiku #body #selflove #confidence #selfesteem #wondering #selfhate #2amthoughts #mybody #bodyhate
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I Have Never Been in Love
B P Nov 2015
I Have Never Been in Love
I have never been in love.
I thought I loved someone
but it turns out, I have to love myself before I can love someone else.
I cannot listen to him paint pictures of how beautiful he thinks I am
while contemplating skipping meals
he painted his love in swooping lovely strokes
pretty words filling in the white spaces
but every stroke
every word
the more the canvas was covered
the more empty I felt.
I couldn't listen or believe him
because I felt that would make me less pretty
I must be the shy vulnerable girl
that I believed every man wants
I couldn't see myself as beautiful
when I thought I loved him.

piece by piece
I’m repairing myself.
I’m learning to look in the mirror without turning away
I’m learning it is alright for me to attach beauty to my body.
I still skip meals
I still feel sad
but I am learning I am worth more
more than the words he assigned me
more than how I look.

I think I’m starting to love myself
the words kind and smart mean more than cute
maybe when I finally stop seeing food as failure
and the mirror as a monster
can I start to love someone else
because I
I have never been in love.
#love #selflove #selfhate #lovemyself #neverbeeninlove
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No Help Needed
B P Aug 2016
No Help Needed
I am breaking
but I will not ask for help
I cannot risk someone else
getting cut on my edges.

I am drowning
but I do not cry out
help would mean
filling someone else’s pockets with rocks.

I am suffocating
but no help is called
because help means
taking someone else’s air away.
#help #drowning #breaking #suffocating
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Saving Other's Lives
B P Dec 2015
Saving Other's Lives
i.
I told a girl she was beautiful
and that she should go easy on herself today
why can’t I tell myself the same thing

ii.
My friend told me she has depression
I hugged her while she cried
and told her she would be okay
why can’t I believe that for myself

iii.
I became an online listener
for people who have mental illnesses
and spent hours convincing them
they are good enough
why can’t I convince myself

iv.
I stayed on the phone
to convince my friend not to self harm
for five hours
telling him that it's okay
to be kind to yourself over and over
why can’t I tell myself that

v.
I spend so much time
saving other’s lives
why can’t I remember to save my own?
I love you. You're beautiful, it's going to be okay, you are good enough, and it is okay to be kind to yourself. Take some time for you today.
#suicide #depression #life #forgetting #selfhate #triggerwarning #savingotherlives #savinglives
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She is a Landscape
B P Oct 2015
She is a Landscape
She is a landscape
Her eyes, filled with lakes
Her body is the rolling hills
Her hair, the grass and leaves
Her voice is the brush of wind
Her eyes, the dirt of flowerbeds

She is a landscape
But all she sees is destruction
She sees the pollution in the lakes
The bumps in the hills
The dying leaves of fall
The plainness of dirt
The sadness in the birds call

We look upon her
And see the beautiful landscape
But alas, her eyes are the dirt
And cannot see
What beauty is built around it.
#landscape #naturalbeauty
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The Famous Ever After
B P Jul 2015
The Famous Ever After
I once believed in fairy-tales
And knew the villain would never win.
Then the fabrications tattered
And let the demons in.
I learned the villain isn't easy to beat
And that left me incomplete.
I cry in the discovery
That life can't live happily
In the famous ever after.
#sad #demons #fairytales
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too apologetic, too quiet, too much space
B P Aug 2016
too apologetic, too quiet, too much space
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I have lost my ability to speak
Without sorry as in introduction
My words simply take up too much space
I take up too much space

I’m sorry
I push you out
I’ve spent too many nights
Late, lonely nights
Curled up
Silently sobbing
Because noise takes up too much space

I’m sorry
I do not know
What you said to me
I was too busy trying
To determine
how much space I deserve
To occupy
(my answer was none,
So I stayed silent)

I’m sorry
You tell me I’m quiet
You want to hear my voice
But the thing is
I lost it.
I can’t fill space
With easy, meaningless words
For I have been taught to filter
If school has taught me one thing
It is to close my mouth
Do not speak
Someone else likely has something
more important to say.
So I stopped speaking
For my words are lesser
I cannot speak freely anymore


I’m sorry
You don’t think before you speak
I analyze
Then analyze again
Then analyze once more
(or two, three more times)
Because what if it sounds stupid
What if you wanted to speak
What if my words aren’t enough

I’m sorry
That I can never seem to determine
How much space I should take up
And it’s easier to pretend
I occupy none
I have been taught to grow in
Where others have been taught to grow out
For other people need that space
And I am not entitled to it

I’m sorry
I apologize so much
It’s just
My way of warning you
That I am taking a little more space
Than I probably should.
for those who tell me I apologize too much.
#space #apology #deserving #toomuch
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Warning to All Who Meet Me
B P Dec 2015
Warning to All Who Meet Me
Hello.
I’m toxic.
you probably don’t want to know me
i hurt everyone I love.

Hello.
I have an eating disorder.
I skip meals.
I don’t love myself.

Hello.
I can’t let people in.
I’m scared of people knowing me.
So i hide away.

Hello.
I’m unconfident.
I need constant assurance.
Am I bothering you?

Hello.
I’m sad most of the time.
I’m not good at being happy.
Sorry I’m always down.

Hello.
How are you?
#hello #meeting #whoareyou #meetnewpeople #meetingme
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Who I Am
B P Dec 2015
Who I Am
I am
my favorite songs,
books,
movies;
I am my hobbies
my preferences
my thoughts
my art.
I am a collection,
a constellation
of the songs I blast
the words I write,
hanging in a starry sky
of thoughts and dreams.
I am the pieces inside me
not my stomach
not my thighs
not the number on the scale.
I am myself and
I am what I love.
I am not what you have assigned to me.
#yourself #selflove #identity #define #whoiam #favorites #whatilove
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Wildfire
B P Jun 2015
Wildfire
I see stars in your eyes
A passion, burning like a wildfire
And I am a forest.
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— The End —