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Andrew Kerklaan Dec 2013
I wish I could call you and tell you how the feeling remains...

How almost two years later I still have lingering dreams...

How up on that hill top I find myself lost...

And all that I can recall is how you feint disinterest but even apart still played on my desires

You never looked more beautiful to me then in separation beneath the fireworks light...

I recall how the trip home seemed shorter somehow and how even days after I would still reminisce...

The truth is that I still miss you but I just can't bring myself to say

Too afraid I suppose..
That maybe you don't feel the same

So with my heart in my hands I bid fare thee well. Good bye my friend...

May your hopes and dreams be fulfilled
Lingering feelings
Andrew Kerklaan Sep 2013
As I approached this new anomaly I couldn't help but notice how seamlessly it was dancing...

Flowing through the street like a land-based whirlpool with the elegance of a veteran ballerina

It's distressed white plastic tutu left drifting freely, spinning into a pirouette in spite of it's singular audience

A defiant **** between sidewalk blocks--It's simple presence, a larger then life statement

As if to say "Go on, try to stop my freedom! I'll just pirouette away!"
A short scribe from one of my travels. Enjoy.
Andrew Kerklaan Dec 2011
I loathe you.  
  
From the pit of my very soul I feel that you have wronged me beyond forgiveness  
  
Like the crack of a whip or a slap in the face my hatred is sharp; unyeilding.  
  
Pictures etched in stone are unclear when I try to look upon my hate...  
  
To glance upon the sun would be the image of my mind  
  
"Black as holes within a memory"  
  
The daunting truth of the brutalisation  
  
My unsound justice is left unserved...  
  
My rage lives on, fed by the dream of nightmares uncensored to my eyes  
  
Ever to be sought your death comes to me on swift winds  
  
Like a bad handshake your name leaves me dead inside, with a taste in my mouth that will leave you spitting blood!  
  
Like memories left unchecked, imaginative images claw into my mind's eye giving life to the blood of comic book reenactments  
  
Pictures are dark while tones of my hate are made bright  
  
These forces are relentless...  
  
Dark clouds roll in but the sun peaks through into our realm  
  
For a time my vengeance seems less fleeting...  
  
A new day is afoot and my nemesis close at hand  
  
The end for you my friend is my beginning to be!
Andrew Kerklaan Dec 2011
Their eyes to the loose soil
  
Nobody says a word
  
Cries of anguish deep inside
  
But not a whimper is heard
  
Aching for the other half...
  
Left here alone to walk the path...
  
The dirt now packed and the people gone.
  
All are gone except for one
  
A single rose clutched in one hand
  
He kneels down to touch the ground
  
Placing his hand upon the stone...
  
Ever so softly he weeps alone.
  
Amiss without.
  
She was the one, to whom he'd of given his first born son
  
No longer here to lighten the load...
  
Taken from him, to her new abode
  
A prayer on the wind of summer's breath
  
Carried to the heavens, wishing for death...
  
A broken man his hand does shake
  
A rose left which no hand can take
  
Words forgotten never meant so much...
  
As his cheek caressed by a lover's touch
  
I love you never seems enough
  
When it is your heart that has been snuffed...
Andrew Kerklaan Nov 2013
Behold the tyrant that we've come to uphold!

He's holly and jolly but his intention is a fold!

An act you see? Like the holiday scene!

Giving gifts, sharing feelings all on the drop of a ring?

That's the way you might tell me. Tradition's the thing!

...No just misguided and mislead, you're a sheep in a sling

Forgive me for caring just a little too much when my brothers around me have brains leaking mush

It's the buy-in's I tell you they've rotten your brain

Like the sweet allure of candy causing cavity pain

It creeps up in bulk bins then swarms you in herds

Over-bearing advertisements have become the word

But this is wrong! Don't you see?

All this holiday greed!

"I want this, I need that, does that suit come in black?"

I'm sick of it all and I don't give a ****!

I don't want any presents off that red fat man's sleigh!

I'm going to tear down my tree and set it up when I say

Not on some specific, planned out, or traditional day

I'll set it up a week from now or on a Tuesday in May

That's the sort of holiday I think I can brave

No unwanted gifts and forced smiles denied

Cause' the music is chill and the feeling sublime

They would leave with full bellies and a carry home plate

That is... if we did holidays all run my way
**** Christmas. For all who give simply to receive this is for you.

Kay so... I know I don't normally rhyme my stuff but hey, it's a holiday poem cut me some slack...
Andrew Kerklaan Dec 2011
As the buzzing, humming, whirr was pulled towards the centres I felt the awesome intensity of the energy that is so often perceived to be that of the colossal being  Alpha and Omega. There was blinding light and ear splitting sound as this entity sensed my energy in acknowledgement. My mouth fell open and spilt words nearly silent that whispered "What is this plain of existence?"  Like clouds of ****** the being seemed to shimmer, speaking not with words but rather through my soul itself, filling me with it's brilliant light. I felt warm but had chills from within and shaking in my feet.  
  
                I was given a purpose and a place. My mind had been set free. I felt as the being departed the vessel of which I am contained it left behind something that I already had owned but it had simply shown me the way...  
  
    
  
I hope only that this gift does not go to waste.
Andrew Kerklaan Nov 2013
I LOVE YOU

AND

I WANT YOU TO KNOW

EVEN IF WE NEVER MEET

YOU

MEANT

SOMETHING

TO

ME

YOU MATTERED

AND I WOULD BE PROUD

TO CALL YOU

FRIEND
Andrewk20@live.ca - You've got a friend in me. Don't be a stranger.
Andrew Kerklaan Dec 2018
I always give the best advice...  Away
.
Never to me.

Never to keep.

It all goes away
Andrew Kerklaan Apr 2016
Balloons without strings to hold them will always fly away
Celebration seems fruitless when you have no family with which to share it.
Andrew Kerklaan Nov 2018
Panic grips me in these moments...
When the paradigm shifts and the rumbling quake of unfortifiable change comes rolling in

I am crushed beneath the weight of this apocalypse

Coronation day has come and now I’m the fool.

King of the flaming smitherines of my own self proclaimed independence

Hallelujah
Andrew Kerklaan May 2013
She's right there... --My friend I mean

She doesn't have much to say but I can hear you now

Grey innocents in lieu of child-hearted tragedy...

I'm sorry.

I never knew you had made these plans for me now

Could you find it in your heart to condemn your love for me?

Just this once?

Fading white I feel we may never stray past this point...

As though when I turn the page the story you had tried to show me will be lost

Alas...

What have I now but a passing traveller's blessing??

Running down... Behind the curtain and onto the floor. Coming in from the cold and into the shimmering light...

She's beautiful isn't she?

With an outstretched hand taking mine in your own

This soothing embrace is cooling me, bringing me down -- Taking me in

I never meant to hurt you this way

Can you ever forgive these black thoughts of mine??

Pulling away I must disband these beliefs I had once held sacred

I must cast them aside!

Moving forward.  To grow.    Be free.

...Or just float away
Writing on one of my own selfish hates and paying homage to the fallen legends that made me who I am today
Andrew Kerklaan Feb 2018
And what were you expecting me to say after all that??



"They all lived happily ever after?"


...



What's that?

There's still a chance you say?

Okay let me try again...


...



"And then every one died."



The End






...How's that?
*******
Andrew Kerklaan Dec 2011
He descends the stairs of the porch on the house sleepily

.....He is calm

Realising his wires are tangled he quickly unbunches them...

The sidewalk clicks by unheard to his ears...

Houses... Dark pictures from which he sees images of people -- Looking out, watching TV, talking...
  
He hears the sound coming from inside his ears but it does not register to him.... He remains deep in thought....

click click click
  
The stones pass by unnoticed

click click

Waiting

The criss-cross patterns on every single lawn...
  
Like an endless sea of unchanged, untouchable conformity he thinks to himself...

Reaching for the small chunk of metal in his pocket to turn up the noise and drown out his thoughts...  
  
What is it?  
  
He questions himself without answers....

With a fear of the unknown but completely unaware of what he should fear...  
  
He thinks quietly...

A building approaches... Bricks that are red like an African sunset... A prison... A place of hatred and sadness...

He stops, there is a man far away calling to him.....  
  
Ignorantly he continues without a second thought.

"****! An endless sea of it...." He speaks underneath his breath  
  
Black leather hangs around him in long sheets... As he walks it sways... This pleases him...

Such a hollow pleasure he thinks bitterly....  
  
What is purpose? is it merely the quest for meaning? or something more...

click click click  
  
......Darkness is now around him and a place to rest is close....

*click click....
One of my very first poems
Andrew Kerklaan Jul 2012
Apperating into the distance it flawlessly exceeds my view

Effortlessly sailing higher- transcending into the nothingness

Beyond the clouds and into the blue

Transpiring into what must of been the fabric of existence itself

A void of any distinguishable colour or shape

It's black, blue, grey aura is all that's left behind

Like lingering dreams in the dwindling morning hours- just before they fade to black and leave us in silence

Gazing out into the nothing around me, my feeble eyes hang motionless

Stricken by what was, what wasn't and by what could have been...

Only to have woken in uncertainty- Lucidity clinging on in the last dying image of pastel reveries...
There was a time when I could look just above the tree tops and swear I saw some sort of fog or an aura rising up from them like a supernatural wildfire... This is a reflection on what I saw
Andrew Kerklaan Jun 2018
"If I wanted to breathe air, then I wouldn't be smoking"

Simple as that
Sometimes others say it better...


Quote by Haley Brown
Andrew Kerklaan Jan 2018
I want to be someone else.

I'm tired of being me.

Everyone says just to be yourself, but I just can't anymore.

I can't be that me, he's so depressing

I just want to **** him

If you let me be somebody else then I'll let you be me

I don't mind and neither will he

I'm going to be somebody interesting to me

Somebody that I would like to see

A person who was meant to be

And that other person who used to be me?

Well, he could finally rest easy knowing that he doesn't have to be.

That person will be set free
*Lord -hear me in my prayers*
Cat
Andrew Kerklaan Dec 2011
Cat
Can I sit with you?
  
Small Cat...
  
I can see your eyes watching me from the dark
  
Cat...
  
They look green from here
  
Cat...
  
Are you hunting in the dark now?
  
Cat...?
  
If you were would you let me come?
  
*Cat...
Andrew Kerklaan Jul 2017
Do not consider this an extension of myself...

This particular mode of communication is nothing more then a carrier pigeon to me.
Don't expect my immediate or direct attention if we're not face to face... You won't be getting it.
Andrew Kerklaan Jun 2014
The truth is... I really do want you all to like me

To judge me and hold me to your own standard

To be ridiculed in a loving sort of way

And more over just connect to the real human inside

And...

I want you to take me for granted too, so I can be needed again

I want you to feel me

To share my inner most thoughts

...But when the time comes that I must face you

I want you to reject my humble soul!

To cast me out for all I have done

I need you to hate me.

To chase me running through the streets

Damning my name to the sky!

Immortalising and dehumanising me
                                                              ­                  
**I will live forever!
Andrew Kerklaan Dec 2014
I saw you there the other day...
With that snide look on your face.

I wanted to say something but your greeting was all I could care to stomach...

I don't remember things ever being so bitter between us

I keep thinking that its me...
But I don't think I could of sliced it so nicely...
Andrew Kerklaan Jan 2018
~

Money alone chips away at sanctioned walls

Porous, your deflection is my bane

I loath the chasm this singularity has instilled between us.

~
Andrew Kerklaan Nov 2015
Don't expect a call this year

Or the next one or even the one that follows...

I'm hanging up

My phone is disconnected


(and I am too)


Good riddance
Andrew Kerklaan Feb 2018
I want to tell you not to get too close -  Not because I'm worried I will hurt you, but because I'm worried that I myself am hurting you.

Insidiously.

Bleeding you, while I **** me - - Making you suffer instead of me.



I wish silently,  against my will, that you would leave.
Abandon my pretty eyes and see me without my disguise.


I don't want you to have to decide whether, or not, it would be right.
Forget my face.
Andrew Kerklaan Nov 2014
~




~Those who party in glass houses often bring them down~




~
I had an idea while waiting in a glass bus shelter... I wonder what would happen if you placed a deathcore metal band in some room made completely of glass and got them to play their heaviest number?
Andrew Kerklaan Dec 2011
With eyes wide open the world spins lucidly out of control  
  
Moving faster and faster, the Earth is growing...  
  
White blonde hair whipped passed her face would seem so far away  
  
Like a forgotten lover's name it is so surreal...  
  
Ideas of flight abstractly toying with the corners of her mind  
  
Her wings are pressed flat...  
  
A final escape from a dream which you could never wake  
  
This is her ecstasy.  
  
Her final curtain...  
  
Perhaps it would seem odd that her last thoughts would be of her mother  
  
So soft and warm...  
  
They never did agree on anything...  
  
Perhaps in another life they could finally see eye to eye but there would be no such luck this time around...  
  
Her head tossed in a backwards roll  
  
The last ten or fifteen feet seemed to disintegrate away...  
  
A dream's sad ending could never be so uplifting  
  
She opened her eyes for the last time to find her dream had given way to the real  
  
She had been set free  
  
...and had finally embraced the unknown
Andrew Kerklaan Jun 2018
Glass ticking like cold plastic

My fingers thrum hopelessly in the hopes of drumming up a solution to a problem with an issue of loss.

This dilemma has found me at the end of my rope and I fear the knots in my stomach are only getting tighter as I squeeze you closer to me now.

Why can't I help me?

I won't let you do it for me.

But must I force feed you the truth?

I'm not hungry for this day any more. Fighting this sickness, I choke back another spoonful of medicine...
--And what am I supposed to do now then?!

Frustration consumes me.
I am bile. The emptiness inside, that fills me with rot.

I'm hollow!!

Somebody save me from myself!   I want to self-destruct and not be okay anymore.

I want to fly a Subaru into the sun on fire.
I'm just so ******.

Just leave me behind and maybe I can decompose into something useful and that actually wants to be here and maybe after that I can finally float away from here...

Wouldn't that be okay?
Why should I have to stay.

I never belonged here any way.
Andrew Kerklaan Jul 2016
A switch small in size that if pushed would instantly and harmlessly end Everything.
No more. No less.

A trigger for your pocket:
That if exposed would eliminate all chance of survival
Bringing existence itself to a stand still

An easy ****-switch
                  Given just for you.


Ready to be used
Andrew Kerklaan Jan 2015
When I was young I used to long for tragedy to swiftly come and relieve me of my family...

I didn't want my life.

I figured if they were gone then there would be nobody to hurt when I made my departure, and I wouldn't have to watch them waste away...

It seemed logical to me...

I would wonder why when I started talking openly about my own suicide people would get really quiet and even clam right up.

I didn't understand why it was such a big deal...

(I mean it is my life isn't it?)

I was confused as to why they couldn't be happy for me knowing what I wanted to do with my life..
                  I didn't understand...

I thought to finish "the race" was the goal.

And it made sense to me that if I did not fit into these classifications of occupation that I had no business being here...

(So why drag it out?)

               I thought it could be like a celebration...

All of us gathered around a bedside or a table somewhere with balloons all around us

And for the time we had together we would all be smiling...

Laughing in photogenic blissful ambience.

Fading out of focus because the end is too cold to bear...

I was so confused...

But the feeling never really went anywhere...

It just stayed.

And I didn't...
Andrew Kerklaan Jan 2015
I don't even need an answer to
the question

... I just want to know you'll all be right when I'm gone.
Does solution ever come?
Do we carry these burdens with us forever?
And beyond??
Will I ever be free to float away from here?
Will I fade away?
Or do I have to go out in flames?

All questions I am without the means to answer.
But ALL meaning is meaningless without  absolution.
I need this certainty or surely I will waste away.
Andrew Kerklaan Mar 2012
He catches an upward blast and is cascaded toward the heavens  

A plume of feathers both grey and blue  

Soaring high above, riding the draft  

Elegant and careless like the Valkyrie's flight  

Sailing onward to certain victory!  

The drums roll and the trumpets shout  

Beating to the crest of the aerial knight

Streamlined magnificence fit for a king

A slave to no one -- A peasant to all  

The overpass pigeon takes flight
Andrew Kerklaan Jun 2012
Every little drop must consume

Every one completely as necessary as the last

Feasting on tears and blood of the innocent

All the while...

...Rising, Rising  



Blacker then tar and twice as thick

It greets your open lungs with a kiss

Toxic and grey

All the while...

...Rising, Rising



Until all has been consumed

Quaking to the foundations

Decimating

All the while...

...Rising, Rising



An endless torrent of wind and ice and ash -- inescapable.

Clinging to dying breath, world stops turning

Now all has been consumed

All the while...

...*Rising, Rising
Had a cool idea for some concept art a few years back and this is kinda what came of that.
Andrew Kerklaan Mar 2014
Steady the relation between us

For now...

But what of then and now?

When my loss and salvation lie in hand

A pendulums swing from collision

Speeding up as we approach impact

Preemptive...

Too eager to just let me go

I fear upon my flight's return roost's sanctuary will house me no longer

I will fly away, pausing restlessly...

Wonder is all I am

Until again we feed

*Will I ever be free?
The only way to silence a beautiful bird is in a cage. Take from this statement what you will...
Andrew Kerklaan Jun 2018
An echo in time reverberating reaches me again and again - - louder each succession

The silhouette of a suicide splatters the pavement just over my shoulder

-A piece of trash to be thrown away.

But disregard this dismissal, I'm still with you now.

This stain's presence is undeniable though, you know this has to happen eventually...

I feel as though the truth itself is captive in all this, for to speak it's name is to summon it's awful presence.

-A punishable offense to be met with seizure and entrapment in the name of greater good (Bah!)

Tell me though, who gave you the right to take the right away from me?

Perhaps one day you'll learn to understand this; that not all choices are given, some are simply ****** upon you.

The option is optional, but the choice is not given.
Call it destiny but some fates have been forged...

Mine is one of them.
Andrew Kerklaan Jan 2021
Everything I know I have assumed.

A sense of shame and humility, bewilderment.  I don’t know where to start.

Everything is a gift! In some capacity or another - it wasn’t ours to begin with.

Is it just my nature? Is that what I owe to history? Assumption?

I don’t want to participate if it has to be this is how we “behave”.

Yet my pain is so intense when I have to go without these addictions I’ve adapted myself to be born into.

I know no other way. Every path has led me back to this conclusion. I fight and lose my fury. I run but I can’t escape. I eat but am never satiated. My CALM is a sense of unrest.

But I keep you, and I feel you will always be with me.

Writing my suicide note with my one unconscious hand and shooting me with the other.

A sicko ****** fantasy. I’m sure you could bet on it. Just put it on my tab!
Started off as a revelation about how everything that we use is something that someone else made/invented  before you were ever even a thought but it turned into a self reflection about suicidal depression.
Andrew Kerklaan Sep 2013
I wish I could explain how your failure disappoints me...

How I somehow feel stained by your fault

Tarnished-- My regret filled shame washes over me in a suffocating wave

All but destroyed my heart lies stricken on the ground before me. Lifeless...

My love for you has beseech ed me and not even my own choices can save you now

I feel that now without words to further express myself I am left with nothing

"Nothing more to say or do or become... I have lost everything"
I would rather not explain what or who this article pertains to. I will say however that I am deeply disappointed by the actions prior that led up to the writing of this.
Andrew Kerklaan Mar 2018
I was hesitant at first to tell you and a little scared to admit it,  but when I really thought about it,  one statement rang true

"Love is not time"

and that is what really stuck with me.

And this love that I hold now is for you
I love you Haley
Andrew Kerklaan Dec 2011
One...
  
A moment passes me by...
  
Two...
  
Stretching into the shadows...
  
Three...
  
I bury my head into the sand...
  
Four...
  
Emerging to see what has come of me...
  
Five...
  
I am ****** into the light...
  
Six...
  
Surrounded by other beings I am no longer alone...
  
Seven...
  
Their eyes are now upon me...
  
Eight...
  
They bring me to the vessel...
  
Nine...
  
A door somewhere far off is closing...
  
Ten...
  
The blackness is suffocating in space...
  
Eleven...
  
The world I leave behind with closed eyes
  
Twelve*...
  
Swift and sudden pain give way to release as I am taken away...
  
I am alone again...
Andrew Kerklaan Feb 2014
Torch light illuminates the chamber.    
The porcelain dungeon...    
      
Lost in darkness.    
Room keeps spinning...    
      
Tearing wakeful memories,    
I awaken from a restless sleep...    
      
In the dungeon there is still creeping    
      
Like piercing eyes watching...    
I feel their gaze    
      
Like wandering spirits voices...    
I hear them whispering    
      
Silent like they're listening...    
But I am now alone.
Andrew Kerklaan Dec 2011
Watching from above, they say It sees it all
  
It sees me from the sky,its hiding in the clouds
  
My eyes may not see It but they say Its all around
  
I don't believe a word of it, they say I'll burn in hell
  
I tell you that It can't exist, isn't it plain to see??
  
You say I must have faith in something to believe
  
Its hiding up amongst the clouds but Its just not real to me...
Andrew Kerklaan Mar 2014
Can you see the way I pretend?

Do you know my way to be lame?

I wish this moment would pass and let another take it's place

Not try to beckon me closer to be caught in the fall...

I am watching.

Careful as the master's apprentice is trained

Obedience in light of it's own futility...

He returns his master's cane.
Andrew Kerklaan Jun 2017
I can't even believe how you hate me now. I literally watched and admired you all my adolescent years with nothing but love and respect for you, and now you can't even stand the sight of me.
My crush.

I watched you grow and change, watched you be in love with other men and even waited for a time when I wouldn't be leading you away from a path by which you would be more suitably rewarded.
My love.

But despite all of this,  I still couldn't offer you enough. I "wrecked" everything.
And yet I had never tried so hard to be the best that you could have in all my life
My family.

I failed you. And now also
Myself..

I'm sorry you couldn't understand the love that I had tried so furvently to share with you. I had hoped that things could be better than this.

But alas...

Perhaps you'll hear me now as a passing traveler's blessing...

As I say for the last time: good bye my friend,
"I hope you find you're looking for out there"
I always loved you.
Andrew Kerklaan Mar 2014
Indifference is beautiful

It does not judge

It does not care

It simply is.

My beautiful, unbiased and impartial *****  

I love you
Andrew Kerklaan Feb 2015
I need a sweet heart

I've had enough of these sobs

I want to find you and I don't care who you are. If you love me and want me and desire my heart in your hands it shall be done.

But if you leave me on the shelf I promise when you come back to me your touch will leave my body in ashes as your feelings have already scorned me beyond that of any manageable repair

I'm too far gone to be brought back now

But I'll never give up hope that one day I will find somewhere to rest these dusty hands

That ceaselessly move to keep me from *fading away
I don't really care how or from where but I need to find someone to love and to be loved by... My life is just dismal without you.
Andrew Kerklaan Sep 2014
Pining romantically for tragedy, my frustration paints a full colour  portrait of guilt and spite and shame...

Looking directly at me...

This snide look all over his face and just the shambles of an unfinished sentence barely even audible saying

Well, what can I say? Sorrow just suits you better...
A bitter muse I just can't seem to let go of... Maybe one day..
Andrew Kerklaan Feb 2015
I do not know you, but I feel you are a very dear friend of mine...

I'm certain

In some time I have turned to address you.
Even shared my intimate thoughts...

But in this reality you are just a teenage girl wearing a black toque and a flowing coat
Stood silent and alone, waiting for the train.

Our worlds may never even intersect beyond this moment...
          May never share any consequent interest past this single interaction


But I'd like to believe in the future if our paths were to cross again that you would see me...

And when you did, you would simply know that we were once friends
.
I saw a girl at the train today... Much younger then myself. We didn't talk or anything but when I held the door for her I saw something in her eyes that was really strangely familiar...
Like someone you'd spent your whole life around.. Except I'm meeting them for the very first time...
Andrew Kerklaan Oct 2014
I am.

Rising up -- Moving

This experience is Propelling me

Freeing me

I become weightless in it's magnificence

I am.

Accepting and Revealing

I become the knowledge that I have striven to feel

Reassurance cleanses my being

This certainty my own oblivion

Capturing this nurturing essence, I feel a love that only my mother could of known...

Inside me.

I am.

Pure and at home

Awake but somehow dreaming

Lost within a state of whole functionality

And never before now have I been so alone.

I am.

Free -- In this moment.
You know that feeling? When you wake up and before the thoughts of how your day will begin can creep into your mind there is just this infinite silence of clarity?
Andrew Kerklaan Jan 2015
It's right there

In a perfect little bow tie but my own desperate, clambering need to be the first to get there leaves me with nothing

All that's left now is the shredded remains..

Scraps -- from which no nourishment can be salvaged.

No morsel contained.

(It is in this moment I realise the terror that resides within myself)

Haunting my endeavours, creeping up and into my personal life...

Weaving it's sickness as a woven quilt to my very skin!

Exposed for all to see

Somehow mortally wounding.

My need for absolution is blinding in a frantic and overwhelming kind of way...   I try to fight it but this weakness is unyielding in it's quiet persistent insistence

Like subliminal messages at times it stems seemingly from nowhere-- Polluting the hopes and dreams of those who love me

I feel that I am always improving. (Or at least trying to...)

Striving for a better life

But I feel faulted inside...

A mistake or flaw now too deeply buried to bring to cessation...

It's unresolved conflicts still taking toll on my personal affairs

Still feeding it's sickness back into me...

I feel weak but somehow complete

Lost but not yet alone...

And I think for just a moment before it passes that maybe things are not so fleeting?

But come the end of the day

I know

It must just be me...

Why wouldn't it be?

I ruin it for myself...
Andrew Kerklaan Dec 2017
Turns out the joke's on me yet again...
Monsters don't really disappear when the light comes on.
And they don't hide when you shine the light on them either.

No. Instead they rise up. They grow to fill the space that was created by spotlighting them and become ready-


To be the star of a show that you helped to curate.






I thought for certainty that talking to you about my depression would somehow alleviate it in some way...
           
                             but it didn't...

I actually feel more like I'm recessing further since we spoke about this

Like I just let the demons out to run a muck instead of putting them down  to rest.

So instead of hurting me when I'm alone, it happens any time now.
When ever it likes

                               It  feeds



and I feel it eating me...
                                              
                 ­ and I want it to
-
Andrew Kerklaan Sep 2012
See the colours moving, watch them taking shape

Translucent green against florescent yellow, peeling away to red and then back again.

Imagination takes it's toll where comprehension comes unglued and realism takes passenger on our journey down and into the unknown

Linking arms and taking the plunge. Delving further then our fore-fathers ever dared to enter

A prisoner of your own mind -- Lost in oblivion

Thoughts dribble into nonsense and mind transferal begins...

Quiet like a shelter but buffeting as a torrent of emotion, colour and sound; raging like tides but fragile as candles light

The mind flickers with life but is lost in the breeze, leaving only a trail of smoke to follow...

Higher they climb until they're swallowed up by the sky and they learn to glow outwardly for all to see

Only then they may come down

"...and have a hangover"
I based this vaguely through a number of narcotic episodes experienced by myself and some comrades. If these concepts make you uncomfortable just know that your voice will be to no avail as it will fall upon deaf ears.
Andrew Kerklaan Apr 2013
Upon this parchment I scribe a vow...

To never turn away even if it burns my eyes to look...

To go on with-out fear of failure and to cast all doubts aside...

A vow to be ignorant of this plague of ignorance!

I solemnly swear that I will spit in the face of prejudice indignity and deface the figure-heads of unimaginative creationism

...And I will not back down nor shall I be deterred from that which is inspired!

I shall embrace freedom to it's fullest extent and will die upon compromise of that which I have deemed sacred.

This much I swear!!

Until death strips me of my right!

I vow to be free.
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