I'm told to remember
The silence and the screaming

His fickle ways
My begging and pleading

The end
Was detrimental

My tenderness
Hung out to dry

Yet I can't help but miss
The delicacy

Sit and reminisce
On the highest highs

You are the question
I will never get the answer to

Asking myself "why?"
Only to come up empty-handed

Pass time with me...
And you will live forever.

I will memorize
The sound of your voice.

Only to compose
A piece about your vocal chords.

Stick by me...
And I will write about you.

Detail-laced words;
The specifics of your smile.

I will dedicate time
To mull over your dimples.

Spend all night
Visualizing the green of your eyes.

Take all day
Writing about the spaces between your fingers.

I am the writer...
You have been collected on paper.

You, artwork,
Now you are immortal.

Why do I allow you to break me?
You're already long gone

Is there nothing else to do?
Twisted, how you love to hurt me

Kissed your knuckles
Before you "caressed" my cheek

Cleaned your knife
Previous to my inflicted wound

It hurts to hold on
But I'm having a hard time letting go

I'll need to sever my hands
And watch the maroon flow

We may have a past,
But "stop" means just that.

I shouldn't have to pull your hands away.
Don't you dare ask me if we're okay.

You may have a hard exterior,
But my body is not inferior.

I am a push-over...
But a four-leaf clover.

And I will not stand
For disobedient hands.

Dry and cracking
My wounds scabbing
Over; displaying healing as an option

Yet it's easy
To start peeling
Away; touching the tender skin underneath

You, tender wound
Irritate mood
Your mind temperamental in every wrong way

Tending gashes
Quiet passions
Letting sensitive skin heal over anew

My heart was all too soft.

Hands limp and bodies warm
Legs intertwined

She sleeps on my side

Dark blue sheets losing my scent
Illuminated by moonlight

She sleeps on my side

Heavy breathing
And arms wrapped tight

She sleeps on my side

His deep voice and lazy bones
Tired eyes

She sleeps on my side

Your intentions confirmed
Our love denied

She sleeps on my side

I let them come and go
Taking what they need
I give them what they like
Men are too easy to please

Small talk flows
Before we cut to the chase
Ripping up grass
And keeping the same pace

He is a friend
And a lover for an hour
Sharing something so sweet
But we turn it sour

I let him come and go
To ease the pain
Making pleasure my companion
To keep me sane

We agree it is a one-time thing
And promise controlled hands
But we will be tempted again
While striving to withstand

As I said before,
Men love me for my body

They adore the soft curves
And the pink of my lips

The arch of my back
The sweetness between my hips

My ex-lover treasured me for
My tender touch

His fingers were tiny flames
Burning to the third-degree

A new man came around
Begging and pleading

He requested the pleasure I hold
Shaking limbs and muffled moans

But I know he didn't want me
He desired the pleasure

He craved my body

Plant me elsewhere
Remove me without a care

Pull me by my roots
And forget to water me

Fill the hole with someone new -
A delicate white daisy

Tend to her and show her the sun
Tell her that this is "love"

Watch as I go through a drought
Praying for fictitious rain

Lost in a heatwave of doubt
Wishing I was numb to the pain

Commitments built by words
To be mentioned but never confirmed

Promises spoken
Only to be broken

Your mouth's
In a season of drought

Your lips did not send me rain
Tongue's so dry; it burst into flames

You are all talk
Words expounding; and knees locked

Go ahead
Pretend

Please, act like
I was never a part of your life

Ignore my existence
What is the difference?

Disregard the broken promises
Prove my hypothesis

Neglect my presence
Because there's bliss within
Ignorance

Gowns we never thought we would wear
Caps fit to ruin great hair

Gym floor shoe squeaks
Senior year: complete

Stuck between a friend and a ****
Watching the hands on the drowsy clock

Receiving a paper and a handshake
Twelve years too late

Cap in hand and smiles all around
My hat took flight, only to kiss the ground

But my timing was off
My clouded thoughts

Fuzzy and murky due to
A simple "I love you"

For the boy who waited
Seven years to say it

Know that I won't forget you

This day, almost two decades ago
I was pulled from my mother's belly
Prematurely

My lungs were not fully developed
Yet, I still came out kicking
Living

Today is usually a day
That I take in stride
Pride

But the only person
I want to celebrate with
Reminisce

Has left our love to die
He has thrown us away
Unhappy birthday

Carrie, how does your garden grow?

Are the souls of your enemies
Buried beneath your personal cemetery?

The victims on their knees
Begging, beseeching, pleading

Praying to you *and the same God for
Things to be as they were before

With silver bells, Carrie?

Are your nails sharpened to a point,
Itching to break bones at the joint?

To snap my wrists and tie
Them up - your peace of mind

Tortment me, ****** Carrie
Smirk and laugh before you bury

And cockle shells, Carrie?

Are you seen as a pleasurable fantasy?
A mask of terrible daydreams?

Your body caresses the loaded gun
He swears that pain is one with love

You are an instrument of pure torture
Who is viewed as a delicate sculpture

Are your pretty maids in a row?

Are we in a straight line
Waiting to be punished for our crime?

Your foolish prey meet the guillotine
One swift motion - sliced clean

Hail Carrie, the ****** empress,
Queen of deciet, and ***** mistress

There is a voicemail
Saved on my cellphone

Sixteen seconds
Of what used to be

I reach for your voice
When I cannot sleep

I press repeat, repeat, repeat
Reliving brief moments

A part of me thinks
You've saved my voice

That you reach for me
Like your arms did previously

But in your eyes, there is no one lovelier than she
Two bodies intertwine beneath your sheets

You're making memories
While I'm reliving

Moments of when you loved me

I see your broad shoulders around every corner
Your ghost follows me through the corridors

The campus walls are closing in
Everyone knows everything

Lost in thought during each lecture
Pushing away images of her

I wanted the full story
I thought that you adored me

Yet all I see are marks on your skin
Marks that I did not give

My hair was still on the pillow
My clothes were still on the floor

Then you had her in the same bed
And repeated the words you said

These grounds are killing me slowly
Your friends are calling me unholy

But you're the liar and the cheat
You're the one lost in a web of white sheets

I've let go of my false hope
There's no reason to hang on

The thought of giving it another try
Makes me feel nauseous

How'd it feel to kiss another woman?
Was it electrifying?

To have the indecency to snap photos
And save them for "your own eyes"

I loved finding out through a friend of a friend
When I previously asked you face-to-face

I had a feeling this was the reason
It had to end in the first place

You're a pathological liar
Who wants the best of both worlds

Go ahead, quench your desire
Devour that thoughtless girl

It's been three weeks
Since you ripped my heart
Straight out of my chest

Yet you're walking the streets
With her on your arm -
Your new marvelous quest

While I do not consider
Myself to be picturesque,
Lovely, or striking

I am daintier
And not impressed
With your exquisite timing

She holds a pulse,
That is the truth
A sad one, at that

But she's merely an impulse
A spur of your youth
Which you will soon regret

I saw you in my sleep,
Dreaming of you mending
Stitching
Repairing the unraveled seams
Suturing the unkept promises
Sewing my ****** vessel
Back together
Watching as the needle and thread
Mesh with the blood and flesh

They tell me I will feel differently
Eventually, hearing your voice won't
Feel like a necessity

Locking eyes from across the room
Assuming this is all a dream, waiting
To awake so my life may resume

Telling myself to stop crying
Trying to shove it all down, praying
It only leaks out through my rhyming

When I'm crawling my way
Out of dreaming about you
My subconscious is sure of your presence
Next to me - kissing me awake

But it is just the sun
Pecking my skin
I admire the sun's call for my waking
But the sun's kiss feels nothing like yours

Falling in love with a stranger is painless
Effortless to adore their smile

It is simple to wish the very best,
For wanting nothing more but their happiness

He is my stranger
But we weren't this distant before

I continue to cherish his smile
Fall again for those soft eyes

He was my lover -
Hands warm and lips warmer

Presently, we are each other's ghosts
Haunting the halls

Disturbing my memories
Troubling his thoughts

I am in love with a stranger
But not any ordinary outsider

He was my best friend
My ghost knows me better than I know myself

Loving a stranger is undemanding
But difficult when that stranger is also your ghost

I let him hold my heart in his hands
Hoping he would be gentle

I prayed he wouldn't leave me
Like the others before him

He was promising
His hands sheltered my beating muscle

His fingers were a ribcage
Palms - a protective skin

But the commitment wasn't enough
And he dropped my ****** vessels

He stole the pericardium away
And left me with an infection

He dangled his theft in front of me
He watched me try to mask the pain

Knowing he took the protective layer away

Just when I thought I packed all of you away
Tucked safe in the corner of my closet

I found your sweatshirt hanging
Amongst my own

The heavy gray one
You wore when you told me you loved me

It still smells like you
Somehow, everything I own smells like you

I washed my sheets
But the scent of your skin lingers

I’m starting to think
My own skin took on the scent of you

I.
My body was made for man’s consumption
For his fondling and pleasure

I am just a moment of bliss
To then be disposed of

My father imparted this to me
When I was young

He locked my ******* cage
He taught me to keep my mouth shut

II.
******* is the only way it works
You strip and love even while it hurts

My first time bestowed this knowledge to me
He got what he wanted and told me to leave

He never apologized
Or made his confession

He blamed it on hormones and loves that didn’t last
But I knew that I could be thrown away – a piece of trash

III.
Men stay for what they’ve always wanted
A body to be used and teased

My second love displayed this to me
And for once, I gave myself freely

I loved him whole-heartedly
He stuck around for good company

He spoke of his reasoning face-to-face
Before becoming a coward and running away

I’ve worn your shirt for two days
I can't bring myself to take it off

It carries your scent
Reminding me of long nights tangled up with you

You hated the way the fabric clung to your body
Yet I loved how it hugged your broad shoulders

You loved to see it on me
And adored how the hem reached my knees

We exchanged that shirt
Back and forth, and back and forth

On your back during the day
And wrapped around my body at night

Enveloped in your bare arms and chest, asleep
With your shirt as my nightwear

Now, I sleep alone

But I continue to spend lazy days and sleepless nights
In your red t-shirt

After months of playing tug-of-war
I lost you

You told me your heart was never in it
But your words cannot be true

You continue to love me
But you are not in love with me completely

I asked you to kiss me one last time
I tasted your familiarity

Then we walked to my car
Keeping our fingers unlaced was heart aching

Perhaps separation will mend the broken parts
And we will grow while being apart

And maybe we will pick up right where we left off
But for now, you are lost

I took the pictures off the walls
Our memories are in a box

Your shirts and letters sit
And there the dust will settle

I do this before the trip to see you
Knowing our conversation will not end well

I’m caught in the middle of a storm
But tonight, perhaps the stars will show themselves once more

The end of us has been nothing but silence and screaming
Maybe I’m ready for you to leave

If this past year has been a story,
Then we are at the ******

And I am on the edge of my seat
Just waiting to see how this all plays out

We left our love in the sand
It’s lost somewhere out at sea
Or under sandcastles, miles deep

Both our hearts remain by the lake
I journeyed back home
Then you ran away

My dignity is locked up in a cage
My body scraped clean
Your family mounts the keys in a frame

Tender touches are adrift in your sheets
Lost in a maze
Previously wrapping itself around tangled feet

Broken pieces of myself cower around your house
Fragments of us are tucked in the corners
Is it too late to hear me out?

Come a little closer and you will soon see
Run your fingers along the cracked parts of me

The cracks etch my thighs, hips, and *******
Each crevice: white, purple, and ruby red

What once was flat and smooth has changed
Bulges and ripples: new landscape

Voices continue to point my flaws out to me
The mirror screams failure; I choose recovery

Previously, these porcelain walls were kept neat
Prim and polished on the inside – pink squeaky clean

Now, this doll is filled with laughter and cheesecake
But the cracks in my mask are all on display

He tells me he loves every part of me
And stretched skin is a part of my story

But I cannot tell if I’m breaking my “perfect” shell
Or if I want to go back to my personal hell

For most, tomorrow is a plain ol’ Wednesday

People will wake next to lovers, strangers, and empty sheets
Rising from their slumber, millions of cups of coffee will be brewing
Telephones will ring in offices and on busy city streets
Children will bask in the tender summer breeze

We will wake in separate beds, in different cities
Tomorrow, you will choose between our relationship and what’s easy
You will both mend my mistrust and hurt completely
Or, you will leave

For most, tomorrow is a plain ol’ Wednesday

I am too emotionally drained
To write a poem that rhymes

I am sick of being a part of your waiting game
We are worth more than your procrastinated time

Oh, look, I rhymed without trying
I suppose I had it within me all along

Defy, and stop them from attempting to divide
Please destroy all preconceived notions and odds

Sit down at your table for a second visit
I smile without relent
For I know that I am not wanted here
But this is the mask you asked me to wear

Silent, I stand
You have claimed the kitchen as my new home
I scrub each dish until it is sparkling
But the previous chips on each plate are blamed on me

Still, I am not what you want me to be
He tells me to be myself
But, how can I?
When my very nature is considered a crime

I am not submissive; I do not fall under inferiority
I am anything but subservient
Meek
You cannot teach me to shape my personality

It is time for him to choose
Between you two or me
Hopefully one day he will leave
The two of you and cleave to me

Fear latches onto my mind.
I am afraid,
Afraid of positives.
I cannot come to terms with another life form.

Like mother, like daughter,
I will fall into her footsteps;
You will leave, just as my father;
Tiny eyelashes and fingernails will be the cause.

They will look at me as the one to blame,
For I am the flame and you are water;
Tranquil, you are soothing blue,
But I burn and do not falter.

My feet will swell;
My friends will dwindle;
They will declare me filthy,
Will critique while my fire is kindled...
(Of course, they are perfect... completely). 

Your parents will tell you
It was my fault from the start;
It doesn’t take two,
It only takes one to ***** up her part.

Our flames will grow...
Both of us are full of fury and passion.
Cool water, you know
The fire will engulf my being,
Soon, our flames will show.

The flame will breathe in oxygen -
Blazing before diminishing to cool blue
In my arms, my tiny fire - wailing
I will be amazed – s/he will look just like you.

Leave my mother for a life without bassinets
Walk out while attempting to cover your tracks

I have lived my existence without knowing
You may be absent, but your mark is exposing

Irish blood courses through your veins
In mine, the green, white, and orange do the same

The emerald in my eyes does not come from my mother’s side
It appeared from yours, along with my pigmentation – pearly white

Still, I know not the sound of your voice
I have not seen you in person or in print; though it is not my choice

Do I want to picture the man who departed because of my conception?
The man who saw my existence as more than a bump in the road (and the belly)?

Father, you are not worthy of my imagination
But, you are the undesirable inspiration

In disappearing, you left me with an unwanted impression
You are not suitable enough for this poetic expression

You are the salt and I am the sea
And I cannot separated you from me

Bottles upon bottles of liquor
Sour liquor
You know each one by heart
Just like every customer

They swish and sway
Most curse and complain
The older men are creepy, really
The younger ask you out on dates

(Most) of the younger men will treat you right
Learning new details of their lives
Over a 6-pack
Wait until tomorrow – they’ll be back

Watch the shelves empty themselves
Just like the customers
One Bacardi here and a Captain Morgan there
For every bottle, there’s a secret to share

Close the store up
Withdrawals and window banging
If you unlock the doors
They won’t pay you in money

Wipe the dirt and gossip off the floor
We have more secrets than we did before
Lock them all up in the safe
Before they’re shown daylight the next day

They say that I’m controlling
You tell me I’m emotional

But I’m really just temperamental
I’m unpredictable

I am Mount Vesuvius
Soon, I will erupt

And I will cover our little city and love
In ash

My feelings simmer below the surface
The ground rumbles beneath your feet

Fire lights the sky
Red turns to gray

Passion and play
Fire and rage

Really, they are all the same
Collectively, each will fade

After the spew of my might, desire, or rage
(Whichever one I’m feeling that day)

The dust will settle
And you will suffocate

Then, I will cover you with a gray blanket
And I will smother you

Yes, your actions wound me
But I will not command you to do a thing

Love is a choice
And within that choice is more decision

Because love does not command of another
It prefers blind hope

Blind hope, which fails every so often
But I choose to love you through my aching

The pain you inflict is only temporary
My hurt feelings will scab over

Love is choice, after choice, after choice
And patience – a whole lot of patience

Recovery is painful
But my mother’s words are like daggers in my chest

Her dietary verses sound all too familiar
She looks at my body as if it were trash

We view my physique the same way, really
I’m either sick or complete flab

I feel myself slipping into old routine
(Although the scale says nothing different)

I feel her fingers rubbing against my wounds
During my daily weigh-in

It’s difficult to love the skin I’m in
When my mother frowns at a larger pair of pants

I did the math and realized I’m forty pounds above my lightest
I’m sure my mother wouldn’t care if I reached that weight again

Not even in the slightest

Ask me for my humble opinion
I will write it along the walls of your home

Ask me to expand and elaborate
I will show you step by step

Tell me my confidence is malice
I will show you what vengefulness really is

Indirect your words and shoot daggers at me
Tar and feather my body for all to see

Turn a healthy discussion into sudden death
Life’s a competition, right?

You’re the professor, after all
I should know that wisdom has been stitched into your very being

It’s not like your student’s words would hold any truth
You’re already the winner

And I’m the one destined to lose

You stepped foot out of the car and sauntered over
I was sure I could watch you come home to me everyday
But we only had 94 hours together
Although, I craved for you to stay

We watched through the tale of The Boy Who Lived
(And you dozed through all my favorite parts)
We relived another seven years in the castle and hallows
While it was really only nineteen hours on the couch

Still, time was of the essence
It had been far too long since your hand was in mine
So, I strived to make the most of it
Before you drove back across the state line

It was during those 94 hours
When you whispered all your affection to me
The glow across your face from the television
When you told me you were falling in love with me

Those 94 hours came to an end and you packed up all your things
You placed my hand on your beating heart, sorting out every feeling
Your car then left the driveway just as easily as it came
All of our time spent apart made me realize one commodity

Absence does make the heart grow fonder

She tells you there is a hurricane inside my head
And how my pupil is not the eye of the storm

Agitation creeps underneath the layers of my skin
She is sure that I am trouble (or troubled)

Obviously, I am a thief in the night
I am stealing you away, after all

And she explains to your sister that I am the wolf in sheepskin
Just waiting to devour

I tell her I don’t understand what it is I did wrong
She tells me to exam myself once more and recalculate all my flaws

I’m asking for confidence
Something that I know is truth, completely
I strive to be more than competent
During this time of hardship and scrutiny

I want to be the best, yes of course
Students deserve a well-informed instructor
But math is a subject in which I can’t preform
Unless I receive help from you, Lord

I can see where the testing is important
Every state has a standard to uphold
But one score deciding my fate is pure torment
Especially when details of the results are untold

But for now I will draw near to the Throne of Grace
And search for wisdom from the All-Knowing One
There I will find the confidence and knowledge to ace
My exam, knowing the work will pay off in the long run

There's no such thing
As no strings attached
Although your emotions are absent

There's no such thing
As no strings attached
Even though I say I'm fine with these decisions

A baseball glove is your future
But for now I will suture
My body back together

Tying it together with the strings
That should never be attached
To sneaking around

You probably call it *******
While your buddies
Pat you on the back

I thought *** was supposed to be
More than just you and me
Keeping our voices down

How
Do you let me through your window
Just to tell me to get dressed and go?

We were fooling around
But it's different now
That you're playing with my heart

You told me that your secondary pillow takes my place
And I would love for you to hold me that close

Place my head against your heart
Let me fall asleep to the sure thump of your heartbeat

Ease is spread across your face
There isn’t a war behind those caramel eyelids

You’ve been calm and easy-going since the day I met you
My world is off balance when you’re not here

I am a deep abyss
And above the surface, I am surrounded by hurricane winds

But you are a wide-open field
Sun above and grass below

Weigh my boldness against your quiet tongue
Intertwine our hands so tenderheartedness and fire mesh

Fall asleep next to me
So that the mattress is lumpless

While fire consumes my skin
Your tranquil waters will put the flames out

I began to worry when we didn’t speak
For quite some time

Because I realized
I would not know of your pain or any serious injury

And I would be left in the midst of a cruel mystery
Because your family would fail to inform me

Social media would be my next reference
I would scroll and scroll mercilessly

But come up with nothing
Due to the fact that your siblings and I aren’t even friends

Calling your father’s business, he would be too busy
To bother picking up the phone

Your mother would wave the thought off
After all, I didn’t suit you at all

Somehow, I would see that I’m the one to blame
That I could have done more  

Because after all, I was yours

Wisconsin’s area code is etched into the side of my heart
And communication means a whole lot to me

I call and call to make sure you haven’t fallen apart
Your caramel skin is tough, I know

But it is also thin
Thin, like your favorite t-shirt

I’m afraid of miscommunication

I’m terrified of tragic situations

And that I’m the next thing you’ll outgrow

Your shirt is still under my bed
Right next to your sleepy bedhead
I file and store these memories
Inside my head, used as a directory

Your blanket is still in a pile on my couch
I never want it to leave my house
It’ll stay put until you come back
Or until your mother shows up for combat

Our secrets are still locked up in my closet
I kept them there, just as I promised
They tend to scratch up the door, sometimes
But what’s mine is yours, and what’s yours is mine

Come on, calm me down
Because you’re the only one who knows how
Keep things quiet; keep things honest; keep things true
Keep me believing in love, and in me, and in you

It’s a pity that bad habits are the hardest ones to break
Our love is a dangerous game
One that I’m certainly losing
But cannot walk away

If your mother doesn’t tear us apart
I will

And I’ll do so without realizing it
Until I’ve pushed you far away and out of my reach

I hate hurting you
And I despise that my dislike toward myself is what hurts you most

I want this to be easier
I crave for the two of us to stand in the sun

The warm waves caressing my skin
And your hand in mine

Yet I continue to lurk in the shadows
The darkness is my security blanket

I see you standing with your hand stretched out
Begging me to just grab ahold and leave the secrets behind

But you know that I am afraid
My self-destruction is there when no one else is

You ask me to promise self-preservation
But how can I do so when I’ve failed again and again?

Feet inch closer to me and I shove
With all my might

I won’t let the darkness take you too