Today I don't want to think.
So I'm going to drink.
I'm fed up of life.
I'm going to drink.

I'm going to drink, drink drink
Until I'm comatose
And hopefully then
To death I'll be close.

Yes, I shall drink
And I don't care what people think
This epitomises the worst attitude
I can have; I'm on the brink
Of dying by the drink.
And I don't give a ****
If I have the worst attitude....
I DON'T WANT TO THINK!

OK!?
IS THAT SO BAD?
Dear, alcohol, CAN'T I AT LEAST HAVE THAT!?

Who the **** rhymes drink with think?
This is so debilitating; I need a drink.

I've lost it. I've lost the plot, if I ever had one.
Almost certainly lost the plot of this poem
But who cares? I can't.

I want to hide, see no-one and die.

I need to hide, see no-one and die.

So I'm just going to drink.

I found a baby doll
3 days later
I cradled her in my arms
Careful not to wake her

She was but one head bigger
Than my own perfect doll

When she was alive

I buried her in a shoebox
And said my goodbyes
I said my sorries
And dried my eyes

But they never stopped leaking
And she never stopped sleeping

No more is she alive.

In the same strong blanket
I wore as a babe
She'll rest in peace in pieces
Inside that grave
For I am weak
But she is brave
And I'll never know
The love I never gave

Unborn
You were alive and kicking
one third a child and one half me
But I was half the person
I was half-dead and hurting
And now I'm half-alive, half-dead, half-empty and half-full
Alive enough to feel the dead part of me that's missing.

In this world I can never make sense of
That makes the unnatural seem so right
Everything natural lead to you, and now I'm siding with the unnatural.
I'm living with half myself and no more you
Beautiful, alive and kicking
Kicking me into the unnatural world and yourself into oblivion

You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in black and white
But nothing about this was black or white
I'm fifty shades away from the greyest grey
And I miss you. Even if we'll never speak. I miss how much you scared me. I miss my natural world. My world of alcohol and *** and cigarettes and love and me at the centre.
And I still picked me. But you're half me.

This natural world is unfair; people who want you can't get you and people who don't want you do.
Now I'm siding with the unnatural.
But it's too grey to handle, too complex
never as beautiful as you
It's mother's Day today and I am no mother.
And even in your non-existence my hair is turning grey.

What I didn't realise when I ****** the life out of you is that I ****** some of the life out of me, too.
I know you cannot feel, but I wish I could have comforted you as you became sixths and eighths and suddenly nothing to be afraid of any more.

I wish I could have held you and briefly been your mother for just a second as you left me and as you screamed.
But you can't scream.
No, you're just cells. I'm just cells.
A nervous system away from you and
cords and worlds apart.

I wish I could have gone with you to your world as I felt the artificial peace of mine when you left me in my sleep.
I think I will prefer your world to this unnatural one.

I've been set free
Into this new existence
My room quiet and lame
As I fill the distance

With pictures, presents
Memories and thoughts
Fragments of moments with you
I've almost caught

But you, beyond the picture
Beyond my laptop screen
Are hidden from me
And all I see

Is the space between us
These mazes lined up to block my favourite view in the world.

I can't reach you with my fingers
And I can't feel you smile in my sleep

But if I could, I would
Wrap you in my covers
And lie with you
In this bed I've made for us.

Eyes closed, there is no escape.
Might as well not look
Or pretend you're asleep.
A struggle. You lose.
A cry emerges. "You ****!"
There are more noises, violent
Slapping you into silence
You are not heard.

Restraining you, they care
For none of your words

Slowly, but surely, you mimic a caged bird
Maybe a squeak here or a scratch there
But nothing more, you cannot be heard

There's no way to raise the alarm, no way to escape
Might as well not look
Might as well give up.
Might as well break.

It was a long train I was on
When I saw the sun illuminate the clouds
And cylindrical beams reached the ground
Making me think the heavens had opened
And that there was a way up from down here

I pictured myself, laid flat
Alive. Elevated. Spread arms. On my back.
Floating upwards, transcendent
And never coming back.

And then I imagined meeting you for the first time
Seeing you physically and spiritually
You were there waiting for me, precious.
The child I never met.

I found you alone, still young.
I was crying with happiness
There was nobody else in heaven but us
And I could hold you, touch you for the first time and never stop.

In my head I picked you up
We floated together
We were happy
Because there were no problems.
No reason why I'd be a ****** mother
We had everything we needed just through
Embracing each other.

And then there were no words, no more.
What a dream, I thought.

Maybe in the future the others would join us
But some of them don't really understand
They try.
No, there would just be us.

The train felt longer after that.
Eventually I approached my stop and knew it was my time to stumble off
Wishing I could instead, kiss your head

Thinking about how sad it is that
Heaven doesn't exist.
And neither can you.

I wake up, sometimes
Next to you
I know you know
The feeling there

I run my hands
along your chest
And smiling back
I know you stare

But you won't express
in words; I know
Because it's like I've known you years
You'd never say 'I love you so'
For you that seems too hard to bear

I do not mind;
I simply know
The feeling present
When I'm there

It's in the acts
You tend to show
A love that makes me sure
We share

But
When you've lost
And when you're scared
or I have no way
To show I care
I'd love to say
'I love you so'
If they weren't words
You'd hate to hear

My lips curl jarred around you
As you set me free
Far from daily soundtracks
And hushed anxiety.

Just one drag tonight,
I hear my stresses say
For sometimes I'm too weak,
To push those thoughts away.

My childish tokes are fragile
My heart not always strong
Isn't that the beauty of you?
That's why we get along

I am ashamed to need you,
Tomorrow I will try,
Perhaps when I attempt to sleep
I won't think myself dry

Perhaps when I attempt to sleep
We won't need a goodbye.

Please though, I am responsible
This must end tonight
I may not always win against you
But I like to think I fight.