I'm not a bad friend.
I asked your permission before I messaged him.
I just made a bad choice.

I waited to tell her about something important.
I asked her if she knew I would tell her if anything worrying would have happened.
"Yes" she said.
I debated on telling her right then and there.
It had been eating at me since Thursday.
He had been saying worrying things for a few days.
I hadn't engaged in it,
or tried to engage in it either.
I wanted to make sure that it was the right thing to do.
I felt guilty about not telling her.
So I had to.
I don't want to be the one to hurt her this time.

It is moments like these
as the sun sets behind the horizon;
be hind the mountains and the clouds
and the city buildings,
that I realized how incredibly luck I am.
I am alive to see the beauty of the pink
orange-yellow and perrywinkle sky.
The way the palm trees cast their shadows
and are silhouetted against the stars.
To be able to make mistakes and learn from them.
Owning up to a mistake is possibly the most mature thing that one can do.
I have made many terrible ones.
And I am owning up to them all.
To right the wrongs,
to better the worse.
I remember when I thought life was simpler
than life truly is.
Sharing cigarettes with Mandie,
walking to Lauber's with Victoria,
sitting on my porch at night and pondering why I am alive.
It was somehow easier than it is right now.
I miss it...

//
Why must you always haunt my dreams?

i wonder about the things people would think
if i suddenly disappeared.
i wonder if it would benefit certain people
but not others.
if my heart suddenly stopped,
who would be so affected that they would grieve?
who wouldn't?
i wonder if i would be able to watch them.
to watch their feelings and their thoughts run through their heads.
"Maybe that's what death is? Forgetting... Being forgotten."
i wish i could erase my memory.
from my mind.
from this earth.
from the lives of people that i have impacted.

I am envious
of all the people I see laughing with their friends.
They all have a connection with each other
be it music
or love
or specific pet peeves that no one else has.
I remember a time when I felt those connections.
I felt connected to the universe.
Like I was sure about where I was and why.
I wish I could turn my ears off.
I wish I didn't have to hear
them laughing
being happy
as I sit here being a miserable little ****.

//

He went on for weeks about how depressed he was.
He told me that he didn't know what was wrong.
He felt the need to cling to me.
He felt like I wasn't being there for him.
He felt like he loved me.

Flash forward to right now.

Are you dating Mariem?

Are you stalking me?

No, but I saw an Instagram post.

Silence

Basically.

Hahaha, wow.

What?

Nothing, I hope you're happy with her.

I am, thank you.

He went on for weeks about how depressed he was.
He went on for weeks telling me he loved me and that he needed me.
If he ever lost me, he would be destroyed.
And yet,
he loves her.
So does that mean he never loved me?

//

I have always had lucid dreams
I've had dreams that I will never ever forget
about my life
about dead friends
about the future...
I've come to understand nearly all of my
dreams and predictions.
But for some reason,
I just cant seem to ******* understand this one.

I was watching myself watch you. You were sitting on the other side of a window with her and you didn't notice me. You seemed happy. She seemed happy too. She was in a blue tank top with pink earbuds in her ears, and you were both watching something. Smiling, laughing. You saw me, nodded your head and smiled.

I don't ******* understand the significance of this ******* dream, why it was so clear, or what it was about. All I know is that it makes my blood boil. I am not going to miss you. I don't want to miss you. I refuse.

Are love and hate the same thing?
I think I know enough of hate
to know that it doesn't get one very far.
You can only hate so much
before you drain yourself from exhaustion.

But I think know enough of love
to say about the same.

Sometimes hate leaves people feeling
hot and angry and lastly, empty.
But love does just that too.

When someone you love hurts you,
you still love them,
but you're only angry at them.

Hate makes it really hard to let go
of wrong doings and vengefulness.
People who feel love know that
cutting the rope is just as hard.

The different thing about them though,
is that when you love someone
you would do anything in the world for them.
But when you hate someone,
especially someone you once loved,
the world does not exist anymore.

You would do anything just to see
their joy turn to ashes in their mouths.

.

A busy bee knows no sorrows.
They fly from flower to flower
collecting the pollen to spread to other foliage.
The little bees are oblivious to the
sorrows around them.
They are too busy to know.
Perhaps I should be more like them?

Today I went to Coffee Rush.
I got my usual caramel nut latte and sat outside.
I lit a cigarette and eavesdropped on
all the people there with their friends.
I left a while later and headed to the salt river.
I stayed there for several hours
listening to the wind in the trees and the
trout jumping to catch their next meal.
I felt at peace.
The sun was shining on my skin and warming
my heart up.
I was fine
but then you showed up.
I pushed you out of my head as soon as you popped in.
And what do you know?
I felt free.
On my way home, I stopped back at Coffee Rush.
Sat outside, lit my smoke, eavesdropped.
My phone buzzed, and
it surprised me a little bit.
I was fine
until you showed up.
I left the coffee shop in a hurry and sped home.
I felt angry, and then nothing.
Angry.
Nothing.
Angry
Nothing.
Back and forth until it exhausted me.
Now I lay in my bed
feeling nothing
except tired, but not tired enough to sleep.
I was fine until you showed up.

.

I gripped my steering wheel so hard
my knuckles turned white.
I blew through the yellow traffic light
just as it turned red.
65 in a 45, speeding faster and faster
dodging the slower cars.
Everything was a blurry mix of light and dark.
That one message sent
me into a frenzied fit of anger and nothingness.
I imagined myself
crashing my car into the light post to my right.
Instead I slowed down,
and turned left into my neighborhood.
I have no one
to confide these thoughts within my mind.
He's on the phone
with her, and I don't care enough about me or anyone
to drive safely anymore.
I guess that's what I get for reckless driving.

I sped down Lindsay road going 15 miles over the usual 45.
"I'm still playing, just on the phone. I have my mic turned off now."
I sped even faster.
I felt my eyes glaze over and I saw red.
I never really was one to drive so carelessly,
but when he said that in the discord chat,
I felt cold.

Im waiting for him at coffee rush. He's probably finally going to tell me all of his feelings. It's going to be exactly what I don't want to hear. I know it is. I can feel it. It smells like earth worms outside today. Today will be the day that my life changes I think. To another course. Maybe forever. I don't know if I am ready for such a change. I don't think I want it to.

When he got there, I was smoking a cigarette. He asked me if I had smoked at all while we were together. I told him the honest truth, that I hadn't and that I was only doing it to feel something familiar. We talked about our days and our plans for the day. He's hanging out with Mariem later, and I'll be where? Home? I don't think I want to stay "home." Anyways. Then came the part I've been dying to hear. He told me he's been thinking about it a lot. It was "hard to NOT think about it." His decision was as follows:

"I talked to my mom, dad, and Austin. I haven't talked to Nick yet... But anyway, I don't think that it's in my best interest to date you again. They think so too. There's a fear of getting hurt again, but there's also the positive hope that I wont and that's something to possibly look forward to, but right now it's just not my best interest. I don't feel like I love you, so... And if we're meant to be together, then it will happen, but I don't want to give you more false hope."

We had a little more awkward conversation, and he kept looking at me funny. I knew he was going to say exactly that thing. I am not angry, nor am I heartbroken. I love him. I will always, probably. I am only a little sad. More so fearful of the lonely world I have just entered. For some reason, I am perfectly calm. I don't think it's going to be alright, but I think I just fell too far down the black hole to care anymore. I blocked him on social media and everywhere. The only thing I haven't blocked is his phone number. If he truly needs to talk to me, he'll just have to text me instead. Again, I am not mad at him. Not upset. I just think I don't feel anything. I swallowed everything I was feeling at Coffee Rush. I locked it up and put it back in a dusty old box, and shoved it on the highest unreachable shelf.

"I'm letting my one tear escape! There it is, haha!" I told him. I told him I was weirdly happy but in all truth, the remaining ruins of my old walls have been rebuilt in a matter of an hour. I hope he sees this. I hope he understands. But then again, why would I waste my time on hopes when they never come true.

"Stop wishing, and just accept it." A stranger said that to me once. I'll swallow the pill without a grimace or a thought and just accept it.

I'm going to ******* run away tomorrow.
I'm going up north. Somewhere where only one person could find me.
And even HE proabably won't remember how to get there.
I need the ******* space.
I need to clear my head.
I need to not be surrounded by things that make me angry.
Like mariem
Or my lack of friends
Or brandon
Or the fact that my only friends never talk to me

Around 930 AM.

My favorite barista is working today. His name is Zach. I was going to write about how badly i feel. I thought it was going to last because I got a positive feeling. It went away though. It was ruined by this ******* song. Now i can't stop imagining him with other people. Would my life be different if i never met him? I wonder where he would be and where i would be. Maybe the same place? Maybe not. Maybe I'd be worse off than i am now. Maybe he would've been better with Jessica. Or anyone else he would have met. I guess he missed a lot of better opportunities. It's easier to assume he doesn't care. If i convince myself that he hates me, maybe it'll be easier to control my feelings.

This is my life now and I ******* hate it. He just asked me to bring his xbox by. To drive all the ******* way back to my house and BACK AGAIN to his house. (Not to mention he BLEW ME OFF LATER IN THE DAY TO HANG OUT WITH MARIEM BUT WHATEVER).

Sometime before 10 pm

I am fuming tonight. How can he know everything that I'm feeling but keep me in the dark and not even try to tell me what he's feeling? How can he expect me to be perfect right off the bat? Does he???? I wonder if he expects me not to slip up. I wonder if his first immediate thought when I'm in a bad mood now is "has she really been trying to change?" The answer is yes, i have been. I've made a bigger effort now than i have ever made.

Space between paragraphs are breaks in my thoughts. I was raging out for the past few minutes. Silently fuming in my bedroom about that little mormon **** and the fact that he's with her right now. I probably shouldn't have written that about her just now. It was said out of anger, and anger makes people do unfortunate things sometimes. I think I just need to stop hanging onto the things that **** me off. Like the fact that at the end of the day, I'm only an afterthought to him. Or that he'd rather talk to anyone except me. Or that he's just too busy to care about me. I have to remember that "it's just not apparent right now." Maybe I just shouldn't care. It seems like that's exactly what he's doing. I could be wrong. I probably am. But he also doesn't seem to care about it enough to think about it like I do. I wish I was as gentle a soul as Little Latter Day Saint. Maybe then I'd be his type, and he'd take the time to think about it, but instead I'm just something to **** right now.

I'm getting angry again. I think I'll leave for now.

There are many reasons why flowers make good gifts.
Orchids for your mother on Mother's Day
as a reminder that you never forgot that they're her favorite.
Lilies and Tulips for your grandma
because she's always loved the sweet smell.
Once I picked some of my favorite purple and yellow wildflowers
for a little bird  I had to bury.
I picked them because they symbolized the wildness of the bird.
I used to walk down south road and pick the honeysuckle
and the bee balm and place them at the ancient cemetery
to give my respect to the soldiers who lay there.
There are many reasons why flowers make good gifts.
Love and thoughtfulness,
respect,
congratulations...
But there is one reason why it isn't.
Much like everything else, nothing good ever lasts.

I'm going to take the time today to think about the things that I like about him. From physical assets to his personality traits. I'm really going to think about it. I'm going to put my phone on airplane mode today. (Gotta have that handy dandy lowes app).

A forethought: If we got back together, I never have thought about the things that I would change sexually for him. I never gave him head enough, and I know he likes it a lot. I'll do it more often on the chance that we'll get back together someday.

Back to the things I like about him. I guess I'll start off with physical.

Its hard to know where to start.
He has almond shaped eyes with long spidery lashes. Sometimes I get lost in their deep cappuccino color. They make me blush. (I blushed tonight when I looked into them before he kissed me). I especially love it when he wears light blue. It makes them pop. He has a strong face. High cheekbones and a wide jaw and strong chin. God he's so ******* handsome. And his skin on his face is textured, but I love it because I think it's unique specifically to him. I think that his smile, though, is something that will warm me up every time I see it. His real smile. It reaches across his whole face, and up to his eyes where they crinkle at the corners. What did Hunny call it? A 'John Denver' smile, because it lights up the room. She's right. I can't help but smile when he smiles.

It's late now. 10:32 PM. A while ago, I got back from brandon's house. We had ***. Rough, amazing ***. Maybe a little passionate too. We both wanted it pretty badly. We both wanted to get our feelings out. He said he didn't really get any out, but I know I did. At the end, when he finished, it took me all I had not to cry. All of my bad feelings left me when I orgasmed. I thought I would be left feeling empty like I normally did when I used *** as my #1 outlet. I wasn't. Everything I had ever known about being happy was what I was left with. I wanted to cuddle up on his chest like I normally do, but I didn't because I knew he didn't want that. I don't even think he wanted me to stay for as long as I did. I wanted to snuggle with him as a way of silently saying "I love you" to him without actually saying it. But I didn't because he would have been uncomfortable. I liked the way he kissed me. He started off gently. Maybe passionately too? I don't know. They weren't just empty kisses. They had feelings behind them, I just don't know what they were. I wish he would have elaborated more on the feelings he let out. Maybe he'll think about them tomorrow. Maybe he'll tell me if he wants to. He made a comment about me being bi. He said "Oh, so you wouldn't date me if I was a woman?" He said it to be funny, but that's not why I remember it. He made it seem like... I don't know. He used the wrong tense, I guess. Like we're still together, even though I know that he didn't think that. He didn't mean that. (For the record, I would still date him either way). I don't know. I don't know anything except that giving him up was by far the biggest regret of my entire life thus far. I've done many regrettable things, but this one takes first place. But for now, not having me around that much seems to put him in a better mood, and whatever makes him happy is something that I will do.

I have to sleep now. I'm so tired.

If you read this, I love you.

He's ignoring me now. I guess I deserve it. I wish I had the guts to block him so that im not tempted to text him or snap him. SO he could live his life now and be happy without interference from me. I wish I knew how to explain why I did what I did, why I broke up with him, in a way that he would understand. I wish he understood my feelings. Or made an effort to. But it's not reasonable for me to ask that of him. Maybe it was unreasonable to ask him to talk to me when I had no one last night. Not one of my closest "friends" answered my call. not one. I was alone and scared. And not a single person answered. I called every person that I thought I could count on. Bobby, Carolyn, Victoria, Luke... I even texted Mark and asked him to wake her up for me. I guess I know now.

I'm pretty sure he hates me. If not, then I know he strongly dislikes me. I feel burnt out today. I don't want to try today. No matter what I do, it won't make a lick of difference to him. I could become exactly who he wanted me to be, and still he'd whisper "too bad." I could become the nicest person in the world and still he'd say "too bad." You haven't got a clue what it felt like to hear him say "Well Mariem is being to me right now what I wish you were to me a month ago." And what's that? Stable? Perfect? She's perfect isn't she? A perfect little Mormon girl for him to be friends with. I wonder if he can hear the jealousy dripping off my pen. I wonder if he can hear me ******* it back into my body because I don't want to be jealous of someone I don't know. There's no point in being jealous. It's a vile and destructive disease.

I want to go home. I don't want to be anywhere where there's a reminder of him today. I don't want to love someone who I know hates me. Ive been in this situation with Mark. I loved him, and he hated me and I ruined myself loving someone who didn't love me back. I feel exactly how I felt four years ago. I don't want to love someone who doesn't love me. It ruined me. It will again. It will.

I turned off my phone for an hour. I took down my pictures of him on my walls. They're in the top drawer of my tall dresser. I haven't turned my phone back on yet. I don't want to see if hes answered me. If theyre going to be what I think they'll be then I don't want to see them. He's got a rope around the last piece of my heart I was willing to give out to someone. I don't want to let it go yet. I think I have to soon, though. I just want to hang on to the last bits of good feeling I have before he yanks it away from me to keep forever. I didn't feel human when I met him. I don't want to feel inhuman again. I think im going to no matter the odds. Im turning my phone back on now. wish me luck.

It's 10:02 pm. I haven't opened up my phone yet. There's a single message from him waiting to be seen. I'm scared.

here I go

It wasn't as bad as I expected. But he didn't answer all my questions. Though, I did bombard him with a lot of them, so.

I thought I wanted to remember, but now I just want to forget.

I feel like i'm in a dream. A nightmare that I can't wake up from. I'm going for a walk. I need to leave.

I sent him the HP link and told him it explained itself. He says he "probably will" check it every so often. He obviously isn't obligated to, so I don't know why I feel bitter right now. I have to remember that he is trying. And he doesn't even have to do that. But he's doing it because he cares. He cares. It doesn't appear evident to me sometimes, but I think I just had a revelation that he does. He told me if he didn't he would have blocked me and ghosted me out. For some reason, I didn't believe him, but I know now that I was wrong not to trust his word. He wouldn't put in the effort if he didn't. I'm forcing myself to trust him. I'm trying to now. Yes, I know. Too late. But in the time being, I have to trust that he's doing exactly what he says he's doing, because that's all he's ever done. I didn't trust him because I never trust anybody. Been stabbed in the back too many times. I thought maybe living in distrust would mean that I didn't have to feel the pain when someone tried to stab me in the back, but I was wrong. My heart just started to beat extremely fast. I thought I just saw him at coffee rush. It was only someone who carried themselves in the same way as he. That, and the messy brown hair. I have to get used to being alone again. Maybe while I have time to think and now know I have the strength to get better, I'll figure out why I didn't before. I think I'll write down what i'd say to him if I had to say good by for real. Hopefully I will never have to do that, but just in case... It will solidify the things I want to remember.

Maybe I don't want to do that just yet. I'm still trying to make up for what I've done. I also don't want to tell a goodbye tale yet. I don't want to write about it yet. Instead I'll write of the things I want to remember and have been remembering.

I remember when we first met, and my general annoyance at him for not leaving me alone. But I also couldn't keep my own gaze from him. He was just so perfectly handsome.
--I just thought about how he thought I was so beautiful. If he ever saw me bare again, I think he'd think I am ugly. I've never been particularly attractive anyway. I feel like every time he sees me now, he can only think of how ugly I am. But then again, maybe I just think I'm ugly and I'm projecting what I think onto his persona.--
I remember swimming in my pool and feeling a little jealous of the way he talked about Jessica. I also remember how indescribably awesome it felt to be so close to him. I remember our first kiss, and how delicious and delicate it was. How much my heart leapt with love for him in that moment. Being so embarrassed for saying "I love you" too soon in my eyes, but being relieved when he said it back. I remember our first fight and getting through it because we loved each other.
--maybe that's why it seems like it'll be too hard for us to get through this and make it out together. Maybe he doesn't really love me that much anymore. That can't be true. It might be... I have to give him time to get over what happened the other night. When he get's over it, maybe it will come back. I have to remember that what I did was very hurtful to him in his fragile state. It will take him a long while, I imagine. Maybe for me to put it in perspective, I have to make a scenario up to imagine how he feels. How he feels now is probably how I would feel if he kissed someone else. I would be enraged. Maybe the anger and hurt he feels overpowers any love he has, and any ability he has to forgive me. For right now.--

Jack said something to me last night about people who forgive each other. For example, me and Jack. I told jack I wasn't sure if he would ever forgive me. Jack said to "look at us. We hurt each other immensely and we still forgave each other." Jack is one of my best friends now, and I love him very much. Maybe that's how it will work out with me and B.
(I'm going to refer to him as "B" because it hurts to think or say or write his name).

I'm in a significantly better mood now.

.

Thursday, April 11th, 2019.

I have to stop getting my hopes up. Every sliver of attention that he shows me sends me into a whirl of happiness and excitement; until I remember his words that play over and over in my mind like a broken record. "If they're there, they're not apparent. I just don't see you like that right now. The rest of that conversation is muddled. Instead of the cold and numb feeling I'm used to getting when I hear things like that, my face flushes, I sweat, and I want to *****. I get so hot. I'm sure it's because he's the only person on this earth that I care about. Thinking about other people and whether or not I care about them makes me cringe, and I would drop them off the face of the planet if it made him happy. But after his words replay for the hundredth time, I am left spiraling down. In a burning house filled with anxiety-ridden smoke that I inhale like oxygen. I shake, and the reality of how truly alone I am right now hits me. I don't get angry, and I don't feel "nothing," but I have an unpleasant and indescribable feeling for the rest of the day. Right now, I am in the process of the downward spiral. I'm thinking of whether or not I should leave my phone at home or take it to work. I'm sure it would only worsen my anxiety at work. I think it's the biggest reason why I'm panicking right now. I constantly check it for messages from him, and when there is none like I expected, I'm sent further into flight mode. It's happened a couple times at work, and then I'm driven to impulsively message him when all he wants is for me to leave him alone. I'm not furthering my chances with him when I do that. In fact, he's clarified that it weakens them. I think I'll send him my HP link and that's how he can check my thoughts or check in. I'm spineless, I know, but I'm going to try as hard as I can not to message him first or worry about him and what he's doing. I'd like him to come to me first so that I know I'm not bothering him or annoying him. (Even with our snapstreaks, I'd like him to send it first. I know that sounds dumb but still). I asked him if he wanted me to take him to get his hair cut. Then I thought about his green bag. How I ask him if he has everything before we leave to go somewhere. That boy from work came over last week, and before he left, I asked him the very same thing out of habit. It was strange and I hated it. In truth, I strongly dislike that boy. I hate everything about him. I don't ever want to think of that boy again. Or anyone else for that matter aside from the one person I actually genuinely like. Anyway, I fear that I'll never have to ask that question as often as I do again. I just crashed onto the floor of my burning house. I'm going to leave my phone here. If not, in my car when I get to work. I don't want to ruin my 0.002% chance of talking to the only person I can tolerate later. Instead, I'm bringing my journal with me. If I have thoughts, I'm going to write them down and document them on my HP page so if he wants to access them, he can have them. (Though, I'm not sure why he would want them anyway). Maybe reading what I'm thinking every now and again will be good for him. Maybe not..

a fish in a tank getting scared by vibration,
but it's just a dream.

he is not that person anymore;
she smiles.
she remembers what it was like to belong to him,

but she remembers so much else now;
her brain is a happy butterfly.

the sunlight through the trees pierce his mint green eyes.
snow falls around them
but she is warm.

damp grass sticks to her legs
in the warm Wisconsin spring.

he giggles at the imprint it leaves.
she smiles mischievously and finds her prey;
she throws a worm at him.

smiles and laughter warm like embers of a fire.
she remember that she used to love him.

like cats and mice she hated him,
for a long time.
he was the pesticide to her beloved spiders entangled in webs.

he lingered and she hated it.
but not anymore.

she still loves him, but as old friends love each other.
a familiar kind of feeling;
reminiscent of a happier time and better places.

like George Webber in new York;
homesick, but content.

sunshine lands lightly on her eyelids,
sparks of orange and yellow
glide across her eyes.

image like a kaleidoscope
colorful and interesting, hard to resist.

a child playing in the front yard
on a summer's day
and laughter fills the air.

she is at peace when she feels the grass
under her feet.

a comforting blanket that she once had
ripped to shreds and sewn
back together again;

a flame in the darkness,
a star on Orion's Belt.

all she feels is the heat of serenity in knowing
that it might be okay now
and the sun has started to peak over the horizon,

covering her skin and
giving her the closure she needed.

Sometimes I'm a little jumpy
when you go to touch my body.
While I know you'll never hurt me,
I always wonder
if you might.

You were always so upset
for reasons I still don't know.
I did my best for you and gave you
all I had to offer.
You still hurt me.

It's not your fault that the memory
of stone fists is forever
burned into my brain.
It's not your fault that I chose
that path four years ago.

You came on to me like a
Hummingbird to honeysuckle.
You ****** me dry and you left me to die alone.
I forgive you, but sometimes...
It still really hurts.

Sometimes...
I'm really jumpy when you go to touch my body.
I can see the wonder in your eyes;
I see the questions.
I'll answer them as soon as the woe leaves me.
I love you.

You, too.

.

I sat on the edge of the lake
on the biggest rock by the shore.
Midnight was the clock,
starry the sky,
frozen was the earth.
I looked up from below and saw Orion's Belt.
The stars on his hilt,
to the twinkling lights of his bow.
I could see them.
I could see all of them.
In that moment, I remembered something.
A poem he said he'd written
for me.
He'd called it Orion's Belt.
I remember what it was like
to be his,
but I remember so much else now.
He's a liar.
How much of what he told her
was true?
All of it?
Maybe;
none of it.

--J

I

will never forget

how he

used us both.

I

will never forget

how

you forgave

a boy so vile.

Call

me friend, but

betray me over and over.

I

will never forget.

Sometimes
when I lay awake at night,
I think of what my heart looks like
if someone were to
cut me open.
I wonder
if he would try to break it.
I wonder
if he would sit down and intently
watch me bleed.
Probably
not. He'd walk away before I took
my last breath.

funny
how she says that you're
a different person.
you
have changed for the better;
a new you.
but
all i can remember is the vicious
version of you.
how
extremely judgmental you were;
building confidence.
the
things you belittled me for;
uncontrollable.
she
says you loved me truly
but not enough.
why
didn't you treat me like you
treat her?
you
were fighting your own demons,
which ones?
me;
you were fighting with me every night
all night.
taking
your issues out on me like they
were my fault.
i
spent my days feeling sorry
for you.
i
should have felt sorry for myself and
forgotten you.

Make like a cigarette
burn out.

-J

This is a questionable poem written because I have a whole bunch of curiosities.
I was sitting in my Arizona home like I do on cold days like today
when it occurred to me that
people today are severely lacking in pure curiosity.
I mean, sure, people are curious about some things;
What will happen if I mix drugs with alcohol? What will happen if I eat this Tide Pod?
I wonder if I'll die if I point this gun at my head and pull the trigger.
Sure, all those things are intriguing thoughts, but,
what about thoughts on pollution and world hunger? I feel like that's more important to wonder about.
Or, perhaps people could be more curious about who they really are.
What do they like? Do they know what they want from life? Why are they so mainstream?
These days I find that so many people are in it for the aesthetic.
That they're not being who they are.
Every person I have met has two faces; they remind me of the infamous Greek theatre masks.
I don't think anybody really know who they are, and I find that curious,
in a sad, peculiar, disappointing way.
It's curiously comical.

It was a crystal clear night in the winter months.
Though for some reason, the lake wasn't frozen over.
I could see the moon's reflection, and was standing at the shore
when two pairs of footsteps approached me.
A pier manifested over the lake,
leading to a white house on the other side.
"Hey," he said.
I was so shocked that I became a statue.
"It's okay. I'm not angry at you anymore."
He looked at me with a genuine smile. I missed being his friend,
even in light of what happened between us.
I was silent. I didn't say a word.
I don't think I needed to.
He accepted my silent apology.
"Grab my hand and don't let go."
I took his hand, paler than the moonlight,
but warmer than fire.
We walked across the pier, just me, him, and Hunter;
Hand in hand, almost skipping.
The stars were endless, and the temperature was surprisingly warm for the middle of the night in the winter.
We got inside the house and the three of us sat down on the couch.
He gave me a Gameboy and we started to play Pokémon.
Just the three of us.
Like nothing had ever happened.
And I think I miss him more than the anger that I held for him.
More than words can say.

I had a dream of a dead friend once.
Words cannot describe how it made me feel.
He's been dead since May 2017,
but I feel him alive everywhere around me.
I see him,
In Garrett's curly hair.
I see him,
In the fiery red locks that Bridget has.
I see him,
In the blue eyes of my best friend.
I see him in the freckles on Julayne's face.
A long time ago,
I would have said that I hated him.
Maybe a part of me still does.
But a part of me also wishes that I could have said my peace
before the inevitable death came to be.

I've been feeling out of breath lately.
My lungs don't inflate properly anymore.
Waking up is the most taxing task that I have to accomplish on a daily basis.
I've been sleeping in,
And even after I wake up I stay in bed for hours.
It feels like the weight of the world
is crushing my chest.
Like an anvil is being dropped on my shoulders a hundred times a day.
I feel like Giles Corey;
Crushed by the weight of falling rocks.
Rocks that look like people I know.
Rocks that feel like sorrow and death and tears.
Being pressed to death by demons that accuse me of wrongness,
by demons who surround my head with dark thoughts;
by demons who claw at my throat,
tell me to do bad things.
I'm constantly running from the black mist in my mind.
Trying not to be swallowed by it.
But I can feel these shadows on my back,
and what lurks in this darkness nipping at my ankles.
And the more I run,
the more out of breath I feel.
And when I turn to give in to the shadows,
I have no more breath.
I can't inhale, because I've been crushed.
I suffocate; I can feel my soul dying a little,
Piece by piece, it crumbles until I am nothing.
I am out of breath now.

What is home?
The word “home” is where someone lives.
A home is where they have family.
How does that quote go?
“Home is where the heart is.”
I don’t know what that means.
Today I was driving on Williams Field and Lindsay,
Heading east towards Higley.
I thought of the Pizza place that I’ve never been to.
Zella’s, it’s called.
Bosa Donuts right across the road, which is also ironically right next to a gym.
I thought about all the shops that are on this one street,
And then I thought of “home.”
The green fields of Wisconsin,
Or the desert areas of Mesa, Arizona?
I know this city better than I know the town I grew up in.
I know the roads, the weather patterns.
I know where to find the gas stations
And the corner stores.
Which parts of town are the “good” parts.
Which are the bad parts.
But we’re back to the same question.
What is home?
Because I live here in Arizona,
I know the streets and I love the city.
But I’m by myself.
What is home,
Because all my family lives in Wisconsin,
And I can’t even remember how to navigate
The town I grew up in anymore?
What is home,
Because my heart is here, with this city,
But I find myself missing Wisconsin more than ever?

death is cold.
its the snow on the ground in the winter;
the darkness of a moonless night.
its the chill creeping up your back,
around your shoulders.
its the whisper that you hear in the wind,
or the shadow you see around the corner.
death is the burn of fire
on your bare, vulnerable skin.
death is crying his name in the dark,
convulsing, shaking, seething.
death is driving past that horrid place
at midnight;
thinking of drowning in the dark sea.
death is the warmth you feel
at your back when you feel nothing at all.
its the ghost that you miss.
its the voice that you can't hear anymore.
death is permanent.
death is....
free.

Landin.
Hey little man.
When you were born, my mom wouldn't drive me out to the hospital to see you.
I was so excited to see you I could hardly sleep.
You were the tiniest baby I had ever seen (and the cutest with those dimples of yours).
I was so proud to have a little brother, and not be
an only child on my dads side of the family.
You were my blood. Well, half of my blood anyway.
When I held you for the first time, I was so scared that I had to sit
down because I didn't want to break you.
When your mom, dad, and I brought you home,
we introduced you to our dogs Remi and JJ.
JJ was immediately protective over you. She loved you, ******.
One night, your mom asked me to watch you while
she and dad ran some errands.
I said it was fine, and that of course I didn't mind.
You fell asleep with your head buried in my neck
curled up in my arms.
You were only two weeks old then.
I watched you grow from two weeks to six months, to a year, to three years old.
I watched you figure out how to count to three.
How to crawl.
I watched you take your first step.
I watched you fall.
Every night I would silently tell you I love you, because you were my whole world.
Soon enough, after your sister was born, your mom
started taking me for granted.
Soon enough, you were with me every single day. Sometimes even at night.
I'd rock you to sleep when you were scared.
I'd build you a fort out of blankets and chairs when you were bored.
I'd take you for walks when your mom and dad were fighting
because you'd be crying so hard.
That must have been very scary for you and Khloe both.
I'm sorry that you have to live that life;
Of watching your parents fight and yell and scream
at each other instead of loving each other like they're supposed to.
I hope you'll remember me, little brother.
Your mom and dad made it clear that I am not going to be
a part of your life or Khloe's life.
That pain is unimaginable.
I hope that when you grow up you'll become curious and find me.
I love you so much, Landin.
You have absolutely no idea how much I love you.
If you ever need anything, someone will tell you
where I am, what my number is... My address.
She will tell you, and I will be here for you.
Goodbye for now, little brother.
Love,
Your biggest (and most favorite) sister, Jordyn,

Khloe.
You've got the sweetest smile I have ever seen.
You have blond hair like I did when I was 2.
You have the bluest eyes in the whole world, and I hope they stay that way.
I want you to know that you look more like I do than the rest
of your siblings.
Your mom told me once that you'll never
be as pretty as Kendal or Kaylie,
because you look more like dad and I.
You're so shy, and timid.
That's not a bad thing; it means you wont get into very much trouble.
For how much your mom calls you stupid,
you're actually pretty smart for a two year old.
You get your brains from me.
You're beautiful.
You'll always be beautiful to me.
Be proud of who you are, little sister.
I want you to know that I love you, and I will always love you
with all of my heart.
I don't know when I'll see you again.
Your mom and dad made it pretty clear that I am not a part of the Downey family anymore.
And if that remains true,
maybe someone will tell you that not one of your
sisters love you like I do.
I'm gonna miss you out here, Khloe.
I hope that when you're older you'll remember me and find me.
That you wont be mad that I missed out on so many
years of your life.
I hope that when you're ready, or if you even want to,
you'll come find me and then we'll talk.
But for now, I have to keep my distance from your family.
So I wont be seeing you at all.
And it's extremely painful and my heart breaks a little more everyday.
But I know that it's for the best for me and maybe even for you.
Who am I kidding? It's what's best for your mom,
but we wont tell her that.
I love you, little sister.
I hope to see you sooner rather than later.
Love,
Your oldest sister, Jordyn.

i lost my family again.
the happiest hours of my life turned
black with sadness again.
it's a lonesome life when you lose the ones you live for.
it's like you can feel your heart
physically being ripped out of your chest.
you can feel it break for the ones you care most for.
and for what?
because someone can't stand
that someone else around her is happy?
my heart is shredded into more and more pieces
every day.
i miss my siblings terribly.
yet i can't see them because a terrible *****
rules over the kingdom that was once
my home.
i lost them.
i lost my family.

I looked at her, beautiful and powerful
In the light of the fire and she said
"Leave one wolf alive,
And the sheep are never safe."

-j

I miss you. I'm thinking about you a lot today. I guess I always think about you around holidays and festivities. I wish you were here. It's been a year and one month, and life still doesn't make sense without you. All Is Vanity was your last album as far as I know, and it makes me so sad to think that you'll never come out with anything again. I wish I could pluck you from heaven just so I could hear you sing again. I've been practicing on making my vocal range as good as yours. You had a voice like honey, but also a voice that could move mountains. Do you remember thinking how your email was broken because you'd refresh it, but there were a hundred more emails to look at? And it was actually just because people kept viewing and commenting on your video? I thought that was the funniest thing. You were so freaked out, and it's funny because you never actually get scared of anything. Except spiders. You hated spiders.... I really miss you, Christina. I hope you're watching Team Grimmie. I hope you're looking out for Marcus and making sure he knows that it wasn't his fault. He beats himself up for not being able to save your life. Please make sure he knows you're okay. I love you, Christina.

I went to your house today to see your mom.
It was weird.
There were photos of you everywhere;
On the walls, on the shelves, in the kitchen and bedrooms..
The only place that lacked a reminder of you was the bathrooms.
There we were,
Surrounded by your things,
All trying not to cry.
Trying to pretend that you're not actually gone.
Tia told me I could play your ukulele,
And as I held it in my hands,
I swear I could feel you there watching us.
We were surrounded by your things,
And I just hope that a piece of your soul is with your mom.
She needed you.
She loved you.
And now all she can do is be
Surrounded by your things.