I am that desperate kid

At the end of the bar

who falls in love

    a little too easy,
a little too often,

                                   and a little too hard.

I am a little boy screaming at the world to love me
To hug me
To accept me
When i cant find a way to accept myself
I hide from the world
and from myself
Buried in emotions i cant comprehend
When so many flood my mind and blur my vision and all i need is escape
A solitary moment i can hold in time to just make everything stop
To stop making lists in my mind about whats wrong with me, and whats wrong with the world
Why i can never forget, even for a secondx how much better everyone is than me
A toxic reaction spews forth from my thoughts slicing the character of others, pointing out their failures and stupidity so im not alone with my own inadequacies
Ive been told hate is a powerful word, but ive abused it to the point that all i ever need is another fix fro my broken mind. I hate you for what youve got, i hate the world for what its not, and i hate myself more then i could ever explain or hope to understand. There is a volcano inside me, fiery hot rage ready to spew all over innocent bystanders, exposing my self loathing with incendiary wit derived from knowing i aint ****

desire personified

lusting eyes

brown with turquoise specs

but i haven't met you yet

in between the garden

and the fence

where i imagine our first kiss

sunny, shaken

stirred insides

imagination

I'm alive

oh, how i wanted
to fill the void
between us
with your hair
and skin
and smell
and warmth
how badly i wished
the cold would leave
for good this time

I wanted to kick start the apocalypse

watch as the smoke blocked out the sun

and drink in the dark

i wanted the fireworks in the sky

to mark the end of time

not just another chapter

I love you
   the woman of my dreams
    who saves me from my nightmares
Who I've never met
and hope to never meet
  because in my dreams, you stay forever sweet.

I love you like the day
I imagined that we'd meet
  I stared at you with wonder
You took me for a creep
I want to tell you
  Just how I feel
   But then this life
     Might come to feel
Real.

You came in a dream, dripping with beauty
I approached you confidently, bold as I dare.
We smiled and held a gaze, eternity sparked and ended,
but before it left
it ignited an inferno of desire between us both.
In a dimly lit room, opening obscured only by a thin tattered sheet,
we embraced our passion
Holding our innocence together so tight.
It burst through our grasp
I smile, staring down to meet your eyes as you laid back,
Breaking contact only to admire your parts individually
Painting every inch of your exposed skin with my eyes.
Claiming you as mine, and giving you every bit of myself
I lift the hem of your dress just above your knee and leave a light kiss just below your thigh.
Then I awake to the memory of you that will slowly fade away.

It was then I realized I was drinking to fill the gaps between now and death, and I was smoking to make those gaps shorter, and I ****** for distraction, because living without you wasnt even living, it was just waiting.

Cupid is my homie
He likes to keep me high
Filling me with arrows
Every day
And every night
You might just call me foolish
Im inclined to think the same
But i saw her at a bus stop
I dont even know her name
We locked eyes for a moment
And her smile seemed to say
Ill love you til tomorrow
And then ill fade away

She was beautiful, so blissfully ignorant to the turmoil in the world. She encapsulated all the beauty of the earth. Looking at her was like the first time experiencing what love was. The first sun rise, the first rose, the first ***** cat. Her clothes danced around her never really touching her; as if afraid the slightest brush against her tanned skin might alter it in some way. Nature knew.

I had it all planned
in my head
  as i always do
I figured you out
I already knew
no curve *****
to catch me off guard
no sunlight to blind me
no fear to mute me
I would tell you
what i felt
  what i've always felt
that without you
I can breathe
without you
I can see
Without you
I make sense
and without you
                   I don't want too.

the time spent wishing my past was written in pencil
cause this permanent marker ain't cutting the ties that wrap around my throat like tentacles from the darkest parts of my mind choking out all the light with the suction of a black hole, or my mothers love that shined so bright through those beautiful lips, but fell short with action.

Her skin was as soft as the silver spoon she only imagined, but never touched
large plush lips, shimmered the same, but with life
she dreamed of honey pulled fresh from the comb
water streams like veins pumping through the forest
a lush green veil pulled aside for only her
mother nature exposing everything, and nothing
all at once
in a beautiful blended soup
of love

With out stretched arms aimed at the sky, i danced with the clouds

singing her memory in my head

tears strewn across my face

the tattered bandages of time, erased

lost

like milk cartons,

but no signs to hold her place

no burial grounds but the white walls and too bright lights,

a symphony of disinfectant, and medical waste bins

and me with my muscles

me with my logic

me with my ****** sense of what makes a man.

stand strong they tell you

don’t cry they tell you

be found they’ll say

just know, just know

It was inside his poetic mind
Held deep hidden from even him
The rhymes that would tangle her
In a web of lust, spray painted gold
Altering the finish to match loves luster
His words would wrap her in a warm blanket
The same blanket that one day she might smother herself with
Only after choking on his words
Drowning in his bile
The wolf in sheeps clothing
Was always referencing the man who
Would twist words with emotion
Guiding the unsuspecting down a lime lit path of fizzling dreams
The path lined with broken picture frames and crumpled love notes
With only the occasional straw handle to affectionately grasp towards, if only there to hang yourself from.

But I do know, that if memories had handles, this one, I would never let go of.

Ive spent my whole life waiting for that moment
The moment where the shell breaks around my ego
And forces exposure to the world
The moment in the movies and books where the shy protagonist finally realizes just who he is
That defining moment where the fire inside stops burning him and lights the world on fire.

The emotions that she felt,
words could not contain
you'll find them in between the lines
driving me insane.

It was then I realized I was drinking to fill the gaps between now and death, and I was smoking to make those gaps shorter, and I ****** for distraction, because living without you wasn't even living, it was just waiting.

I wanted to dance across your synapse
But inside that beautiful head is fire
And i spend too much time getting burnt
I left my home a crippled boy
And now reflections, soft and out of focus
Show me the man i never wanted to be
I still see the flower
The one i plucked on our last walk together
I see flashes of images
As the stem got to touch you in places i can only dream of
As you pulled back your hair
Revealing your neck
I was embarassed
That you just might be able to see my thoughts
I wanted to kiss you there
To belong to you
To have just a piece that wasnt petals
That could be mine to hold
To cherish
To love
I wanted all of you
Your fire
Your heart
Your teeth, even that one that was a little out of place
My favorite one if im honest
I wanted to hold you
To grasp you in my arms
As we surf on the waves of life
But soon i would realize
I was the only one holding on to us