I've looked bad but felt good
I've looked good but felt bad
I've looked bad and felt bad
I've looked good and felt good

I've failed so many times I can't count
I've learned so much I can't find individual moments

I have gradually increased

But I am finding myself

I am finding the confidence to strut out of my dorms like I'm walking on the runway
I have found myself so sad my body has become immobile

I am growing stronger

Physically. Mentally. Spiritually.

I am finding God in the most random moments, but when I do it is glorious

I find myself alone too often
I find myself feeling alone too often
I find myself hiding too often

I'm ready to let my potential loose
And become the lion I am meant to be

The day has finally come
i didn’t know how i would feel on this day a year ago
then, i was in deep deep pain
numb, sad, confused, lost, broken
even now i still am, i guess
when i realized what today was, i grew completely numb and i cried

i wish i could rinse you off of me with a cold shower
i wish i could have brainwashed you away
i wish i could remember what we felt like without this pain

but those are just wishes
even if a genie did come and grant them for me
i wouldn't be the person i am today
i think that's the worst part though:
you helped mold me into who i have become

i wonder what it would be like to see you again
i wonder what you think of me after a year
i wonder if i am still your scapegoat

because you're now mine

happy birthday, my tragic dark prince
i hope you have a beautiful day

it's been so long since I've cried
it feels like years
no matter how much I've tried
i could not cry any tears

every pain that I've endured
every mistake I've made
i held it in, safe and secured
i thought my emotions would fade

Now it has all returned
tenfold, hundredfold, never ends
the pain in my chest forever spurned
can't figure out how to make amends

So now my tears flow like waterfalls
and i feel pain but gladness
because everything that my mind recalls
rids me of all my madness

All that is left
is a broken me
but less broken
and ready for the world to see

Am I right? Or am I wrong?

What is a poet? What is a human?

I come across these questions daily but I'm left with blank pages

Longing for but can never receive a true answer

I am afraid of letting go
And losing control

I am afraid of being happy
Of waking up wanting to start the day
Of accepting myself for who I am
Of losing the motivation for my art because I’m no longer so sad and alone
Of losing the bubble I created for writing since I have no one to turn to
no one to talk to
no one to belong to

I am afraid of being

I am afraid of the potential I possess
I don’t mean to sound arrogant or proud
Because I’m not

I am just me

Mikayla

I walk around the halls sheltered and afraid
Afraid of the people I see around me
Every one of these individuals has a hidden talent,
A secret,
A love, A vice,

And what do I have?
Just me.

Mikayla DeAnn.

If I am not walking with a false bravado
Shining plastered smiles to hide my fear
I am invisible
I am shoved
Pushed
Tossed
Turned
Unrecognizable

Mikayla DeAnn Kay

I am afraid of letting go
If I let go, I am letting go of the control I possess,
My only vice
I am letting go of the years of “you’re not good enough”
The years of “you’re not pretty enough”
The years of “you’re not skinny enough”
The years of “you’re not worthy”
The years of “you do not belong”

Mikayla DeAnn

I want to shine
I want to smile
I want to make others happy without losing pieces of myself
I want to be confident in what I like
What I wear
What I desire
I want to feel whole
I want to be seen

I want to become… no

I am

Mikayla

my hearing goes in and out between words and ringing
my sight has become hazy
my hands are shaky
my body cannot stop moving
my brain switches running at a million miles an hour and then nothingness
my sense of touch is going haywire

i am numb

why do you torment me
when I'm feeling the most satisfactory
I'm feeling like i can touch the sky with my hands
that i am creating this rainbow of potential with massive colors floating through the air to match my soul
you show up and shatter everything

the rainbow that I created isn't an actual rainbow
it isn't all the flurries in the sky like i imagined
but it is a picture
a very very fragile picture that you can shatter so easily

all it takes is a glimpse of your face
a note of your voice
your breathe near me
all it takes is a thought of you and my rainbow shatters
it shatters into pieces that become so small that you can never gather all of them
so when i repaint my rainbow in the sky
my massive colors flowing, abounding with potential
there are always pieces missing
and each time you shatter it there are more pieces missing

maybe i need to stop making rainbows
maybe i need to create something else
i need to take all the pieces that i keep having to recollect after every single time you shatter them
the tiny itty bitty pieces that represent who i am and who i want to be
who i was

i must create a new picture
i must create something new and exciting and bold that recaptures who i am

maybe i should make a glittering sea
i should take my pieces and mold them together like mounds of clay
pushing pushing pulling
pushing pushing pulling
molding
creating

an ocean
i want to create an ocean
glittering bright
it will be made so you can see the rushing waters
it is so real that the picture seems to be moving
up, down
the waves so smooth
but when you get closer they become harsher
they become more frantic
more chaotic
but it is a beautiful chaotic

that is who i am
i am beautifully chaotic

i can transform in the blink of an eye
from that nice girl who's a good friend who you can trust completely
into something more
something more than the nice girl
something more than who i was

because i will no longer be the nice girl
i will no longer be deemed as someone who's just a good friend
someone who's just nice just pretty
just there
standing in the background

I will have my own spotlight
that's right

I will become selfish
i will become maniacal
i will become manipulative

but i will do anything it takes to protect my picture

You never look back

It's the first thing I noticed about you

Your past, your pain, your failures

You never look back

But I always do.
When I walk away, I look back to see if you're watching

You're not

You are focused
You are direct
You are confident in who you are, where you are

You are you

But I am me
Me, who is looking up at you, marveling to see what you will accomplish next
Me, noticing every movement you make, every sound, every hesitation
Me, noticing when your smile isn't real

So I give you mine to use
And it fits you perfectly

You fit into it and my smile becomes yours
And mine is plastic again
The mold I use to create my smiles so I can give them away to those who need them

You, whose movements are fluid as water
You, who is always trying new things
You, who excels

You are an asset to humanity
A unifier
A guide to the light within the darkness

And I watch your work

What am I supposed to do
when you won't let me in?
What am I supposed to do
when you reject me again and again

And again and again and again and again and again

Don't you see, this is what love is?

Love is the tiny micro-kindnesses
Love is waiting at the door, waiting to be let in finally
Love is being afraid of rejection but always going back
Love is being broken, but always having room for you

Don't you see, this is what my love is?

You can call me a stalker at your lowest times
You can spurn me, hate me, despise me
But I won't leave you when you're sad
Because I'm afraid of losing you to yourself

His hands were in my hair one moment and around my neck the next
He is the epitome of complexity
He is the man I love the most in this world
He is...

Our relationship is complicated
He loves me and I know it
When I am sad, he will comfort me
When I cry, he wraps me in his arms and holds me tight, telling me everything is going to be okay
When I succeed, he cheers on the sidelines, his face filled with pride

But I have become accustomed to being a doll
A trophy
When he is not right, he is right anyways
When he is angry, there is always someone else on the receiving end
There is always another to be blamed

Until now, I never knew I could be right
I didn’t know the freedom I could have
I didn’t know that there were guys who could be patient, would let me have an opinion, would let me be me instead of a trophy
I didn't know I was a person

My own entity

I am afraid of having you and losing you
I am afraid that I am never enough
I am afraid of being unworthy of your time and presence
I am afraid I will never be enough
I am afraid I will push you away
I am afraid that as soon as I let you in, you'll break me like everyone else has

But if I'm already broken, what more is there to break?

I tend to forget that the pen is mightier than the sword
When I sit down to write, there's a filter with what is and isn't okay to say

It can't be too dark but it can't be too happy either
No, that's not like you. Erase it all
Maybe try a different approach

The filter encases me into social rules and status


Don't interrupt even if you have something you really wanna share
Make sure you smile at everyone because it'll make their day
Only talk when spoken to
Agree with everything they say because they are right

The filter transfers to a physicality stance

You're too fat
Maybe a shake diet for a year could help, but probably not
Don't eat for the next few days
Oh look, your face broke out again. Put on a ton of makeup and maybe it'll look better

My filter has enveloped me into a completely white padded cell with no doors and no windows
I myself am wearing a white jumpsuit with a straight jacket as an accessory

I am a prisoner to my filter

I am stained

Stained by the past
Stained by my desires
Stained by my failures
Stained by my broken dreams
Stained by what could have been
Stained by "what if"

The tears that fall down my face are black ink
The trail of tears stain my cheeks
Sharp, painful, visible
Yet I am invisible

No one else can see my stains
My pains
My sins

But I see them everyday, every second
The mirrors curse my visage

I am stained

my biggest pet peeve is when i'm told i can choose what i feel

i can choose to be confident
i can choose to be happy
i can choose to be worthy

is everyone else on a higher level that I am?
does my dwelling make me a lesser human being?
is there something wrong with me?
i feel like everyone else was given instructions to life while I'm hanging by a thread
watching as it is about to snap

You had me at hello
With your curly brown locks
And your striped sweater jackets all in blue

But with a flip of your hair
And a waggle of a finger
Did I realize I wasn't for you

You took me as a tool
And you used me as you pleased
But I've realized I've really had enough

I'm not your little toy
Or your pretty marionette
So why don't you leave me be

Can't you see that I'm all done with all your promises?
Broken and always cut in two
Although I wish you'd treat me like your special one
Maybe you just haven't got a clue

So stop with all the pain
And stop with the betrayal
Just tell me if you don't want me anymore

Do you love me as a dog
Well I'm not your little pet
Just give me a chance
Before you have any regrets

I'll love you like you should be
Instead of like you're dead
With all these feelings inside me
Don't know where to begin

Can't you see that I'm desperate
I'm just afraid to show it
If you knew what was inside me
Would you even really love me

I wish I was important
To someone that I know
With striped sweater jackets all in blue
And had me at hello

I am from whisk.
From Mr.Clean and Odoban.
I am from my locked closet (dark).
I am from my mom's attempted fruit trees (they always die),
a palm tree in front of my room’s window,
I always wanted to climb out my window and escape by climbing down it.

I’m from protein shakes and Alex being addicted to Alex Clare so he bought a hat similar to Alex Clare's hat
From Chip (hates his real name “douglas”) and Alex (not alexander)
I’m from my mom's breeding of dogs/ entrepreneur/ planners and my dad's travelling for work/playing drums/being a jokester,
From “Oh honey, your back looks okay, but your stomach…” and “Do you want to die of cancer?”
I’m from my best friend telling me “You embody light and love”
With making earrings
And always crying alone

I’m from another reason why I’m closest to my dad and unidentifiable.
Lamb and french fries.
From Zyler breaking his pinky toe by dropping a large rock on his foot
To Zyler plugging his ears whenever Alex or dad sings, or plugging his ears when he hears music he doesn’t like and/or want to listen to at that time
Our childhood/baby year memories are kept in boxes with our names on them in the office, We have baby books that go up to about 1 ½ to 2 years old, Facebook
I am The uninvited third wheel tagging along on a date

here i sit
in my class
and then i'm knocked
flat on my *ss

i thought that i was smart
my teacher told me so
but listening to this conversation
i'm going loco

i can't understand what's happening
why should i even try
but i do need to graduate
so here i sit and cry

on the inside

I've read all the books I can
And done all the things I could do
But my mind refuses to forget about you

My sunshine
My sorrow

The sun smiles upon me and I can feel the crisp wind on my face as we walked together hand in hand
I can feel your presence next to mine, warm and inviting
I can feel the happiness that you spread to me
So contagious

There's a million things I would've done differently now
I can see that
But I also wouldn't change a second of it
Because I got to be with you

I am afraid

I see you in the halls, I cower behind the nearest door

When you walk by me i feel my heart withering

I begin to disappear into myself

When our eyes meet, you glare in hatred

Is there any remorse? Love? Regret?

I miss you

Is there any joy? Happiness? Laughter?

I remember it clearly:
It was a warm Summer day. I lied to my parents and came to meet you at the market. We walked and talked for hours. We went to the playground. You broke my heart. You never knew, though. I never told you.

I remember it clearly:
We sat underneath that tree and stared at the funny truck with cats. We layed there and talked about school and colleges and the life you want to live.. Then you left. I cried.

I remember it clearly:
Whenever I tried to be with you, you walked away without a word. I asked if we could meet. We did. You were afraid, legs tucked into your body. Never making eye contact. Visibly shaking as you talked, and I listened. I listened. Then you left. I cried. I fell into a dark pit where nothing would ever feel the same again.

I am afraid.



i am alone



*do you even miss me

It’s a dreary day, filled with dreary weather and dreary people.
I walk to class with the same thoughts in my head
The same pathways to go
Routine

I am sitting alone in the front corner, my same seat
No one to my right, no one behind me
I look out the window
I see the same tall buildings and the grey whirling clouds ready for rain

But then i see a vase of bright purple flowers

It’s on the corner of a balcony for an apartment.
They are reaching for the sky to receive the rain promised by these grey clouds

*that’s different

We were built on a foundation of words
I can feel you piercing my skin as you write on the pages
Piece by piece they are filled until my heart is overflowing with grief

Yet the pen keeps writing,
My love for you unquenchable as the words never stop

Until the words stop

When the words stop there is a silence unlike any other
Even more painful than before
How can this be?
Do you love me? Or my words?

Where is my light?
I seek it
reach for it
crave it
But the light is only a candle
It flickers
is unpredictable
how can i be a light when I have no light for myself?
My doubt presses in
My patience grows thin
There seems to be darkness all around me
Yet, there is a fire in me
I have found my light

but how long will it flicker?
Will it ever go out?

Dear Me from 2013,

It’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to stop smiling and being “the good child” or “the perfect student”. Your parents’ problems are not your responsibility, are not your fault, are not your priority, and you cannot fix it. Mostly because it won’t matter, and it won’t change. Take it from me. Your friends are by your side. They do care about how your feeling and will take time to listen to you. You are not a burden. You are not an empty conch shell.

Do not blindly trust. Do not let HIM into your heart, not all the way. He is a serpent disguised as a beam of sunlight. He makes you feel good now, but he will become the only person in the world who understands you, or even sees you. But as soon as he is done with you, he will desert you. You will be alone, with a void in your heart that is still empty even now, a void that causes you to cry late into the night and feel empty in the day. He is NOT WORTH IT.

Please, please, PLEASE eat food. Ask for it, beg for it, but do not listen to your mom. You are 120 lbs but that is not criminal, you’re in high school. Do not go on those protein shake cleanses for weeks to months at a time. You are not fat.

And most importantly, you are beautiful. You are kind, intelligent, courageous, uplifting, way too selfless for your own good, and you love. Just because you are sad, it does not mean you are not these things. Your seemingly negative emotions do not define who you are. Reach out to others and stop pulling yourself inward and away from people, because people can take you out of your fear of yourself. People will make you laugh, will make you smile, will make you forget, even if for a little while.

Remember PINK. Always remember PINK. It is who you are, and through it you will always find your way back to your core.

Me

P.S. Binging Black Butler and Markiplier is completely acceptable, too. Never be ashamed <3
P.P.S. don’t take all those AP classes. Your highest score will be a 3, and you’re going to go to art school anyways.

The times you spend
Whether it be with family, friends, or strangers
Can last a lifetime
As long as you make it special
Like a movie with your friends
Discovering an underwater cave
Or sitting with your family by the fire
Visiting faraway relatives
Mourning lost ones
Celebrating new ones
Every memory is important
As important as living itself
Life is not great without fond memories to live with
But even though those memories may fade
Into a void of nothingness
They are mine to keep...
For now

The house lights dim
The chatter fades
The silhouette of a woman
Starts to dance away
To her own silent tune
She plays in her head
And a girl in the crowd
Stares in awe
And wonder
With a nod to the beat
Of the dancer's feet

it started with a simple gesture
I ran my hands through my hair
felt its texture
i was fine

I started to get nervous
running hands through hair is a normal thing, right?
but then I watched as my hands transformed into claws
digging into my scalp

the nails digging deeper and deeper
i felt all of my feelings, thoughts, secrets pouring out of me like blood
as the claws caught hold of my hair
pulling everything inside of me
out

i couldn't breathe

but just as quickly everything returns to normal
examining my hands again to make sure i'm not the monster i once was
feeling my scalp to check if i'm bleeding
noticing all the quizzical stares and pitying eyes

can they see? the real me?

My heart has always felt empty
There was always something missing
I just wish you hadn't tried to fill it

With your words
With your attention
With your love
With you

To the point where it was ALMOST filled
almost
but then you ripped yourself away
right when i needed you most

after so long, what do i do?
how do i function?
why am i so empty again?
what did i do to make you leave?

i feel like a shadow of myself, partly existing partly fading
mostly fading
emptier than even before
because I was full with you

I have a fire within me

I fight and fight until I get out of the pit

the pit you have created with your words

I will not surrender

I will not back down

I grow stronger with every word you say against me

Against who I am

Against what I live for

You will not stop me

Or you will burn from my flames

i feel the water as it streams onto my hands
the faucet showing me my reflection in it's silver curved structure
i close my eyes
i have become unaccustomed to looking at myself
the sight of me has become unbearable now

thoughts stream into my brain
filling me with dread and anguish
my breath rapidly increasing just from thoughts alone

i turn the water temperature to the left
i feel the heat begin to rise
my flesh begins to burn
it pleads to be taken out of the lava but i leave it
all i can focus on is the heat, and it is bliss

i grew up believing scars were ugly
and self-inflicted ones even uglier
i never had a way to make the pain go away
until now, with a method that leaves no marks

the temperature is all the way up
my problems, gone
my fears, gone
my tears, gone
my hatred, gone
my longing for everything i will never be, gone

i turn the faucet off
all that's left is the pure redness in my hands that will go away in the next hour until once more i need to relieve myself from, well, myself

Hey,
are you there?
I'm not
Where did I go?

I wonder why my writing is so depressing
I was told that my resting face is melancholy

To be honest, I don't even like melons

The hardest thing I have learned is that life is mostly deceit
And it is the strong who are honest
Words fail to express, and emotions always change

We change

Like the tide we are pushed into routines we cannot fathom
And pulled out just as quickly

Life is a beautiful, chaotic, terrifying, horrible mess.

The days of Winter soon begin to fade
To bring the joys and happiness of May
To take away all of this dreary shade
And start to shine on lovely golden days

Oh Spring, how I love all of your new flow'rs
With buds that smell of rosy golden times
Although some days turn into weary show'rs
You pass the day by with a lot of rhymes

Then Summer's turn then tries to come along
To bring along the sun so gold and bright
Then soon begins the bluebird's newest song
With all the mem'ries coming back to light

When Fall is coming just around the bend
I hope our love will soon begin to mend

Who are you?

You were my everything, the one I looked up to and depended on most

You had a fire that was unquenchable. The world was your oyster and you refused to ever let the world take you down because you knew if the world took you down then you would be quenched, the fire gone and dead.

You did

Now when I see you, you are... different

You are no longer the fire I saw, but something else I cannot fathom. You go with what everyone says, even when I know you think differently. I see the fear, the tiredness, the anxiety, the sadness, they read on your face like a map to your heart.

Your heart has been broken somehow, and in that your fire has died. You have died.

I hope there are still some embers left, because I do know you

You are strong, courageous, noble
You never let anyone or anything stand in your way because you have purpose and fire
You light up those around you, are fueled by those around you, take delight as your flame sparks others and makes you brighter than ever before

THAT is who you are
That is how I see you

My peer, my friend, my sister

there are words
that don't express
what one feels

there are feelings
one can't express
that cause suffering

grief

resentment

I hope to not alarm you
but we cannot explain everything we feel
we experience
it's like when you can't remember a dream
but you can feel how it was
to be in that dream and indeed experience it
How it enveloped you into it and you could not escape
Until the sweet moment of awakening

But that dark cloud will always return

sorrow

mourning

the mourning for what never was and never will be
the companionship of a fellow soul that understands your deepest darkest inner parts of you
that lifts you up when you are down, and turns your life upside down
the little flip it gets when you see him
the excited fear of what comes when he is around
the realization that you can never focus on a single subject because everything turns you back to him

everything turns you back to him

hear my lament, my sorrow
to drown myself into a sea of torment