I'm only a human being looking for some meaning
And I'm only empty to be filled.

You say things that break me a little more each time
If this keeps going you'll be part of what kills me
I never earned this life ya know
But I did deserve this pain in tow
I don't know what to think
Sometimes when you tell me things I feel calm and yet surprised
Our relationship...it's...complicated
You love me, but I can't love you back
I don't know why, cause you'd be perfect
You'd be so much better at this thing
I don't even know what to call it anymore
I can't even love anybody
I can't love anything
Maybe I thought I loved somebody at some point, but I actually didn't love anything
I could talk myself into it, convince myself that I do love you
I can do it for years and maybe, finally it would feel real
But nothing else ever felt real to be besides force
If it doesn't involve me then I don't care, but if it hurts me, I'm forced to feel it
I don't want to feel it
I've already felt enough, I already feel enough now
And I'm all out of fight
You're pretty much the only thing left My

Today's my birthday
Finally eighteen
I should be out having fun
Instead I'm here sulking
Over my ex who's dating a baby
But honestly,
That baby can have her
My ex isn't built to keep anything
That's her demise in her little game
But I know I don't love her, too many things about her I knew I couldn't take if the need was before me
She reminds me of my sisters exs excessively
Yeah she was different, but she was also too much the same

And to make this fair
I'll admit I know my own demise
I have slow ears and slow eyes
*****, I unknowingly sabotage
I ain't even gonna lie
I only see it later, after payment's due
Glad I don't **** with you
Cause payment has long been overdue

I've got to make a decision, make some moves.
Live and learn.
Take it a day at a time.
No matter if you lose.

Walk like you own the world
*Act like your spit doesn't deserve to hit their graves.

You were only shown pain
Don't give yourself pain.

I'm not sure what to say as I pen this down
What I am feeling is making me drown
In a sea of emotions, of feeling
I no longer know with what I am dealing
I want to tie heavy rocks to my feet
So I don't float up from under the sea
Symbols of life don't help me
Symbols of love, regrets fill me
A sea, empty and full, of feeling
A darkness destructive and unyielding
A blackness that fills me whole, contaminating everything that it please
Even the bit of relief I get from writing hasn't set me free
I'm going on my own, the sea being my coffin, and the darkness my company in this unending dream
I'm not even bothering to fight
*I've already lost the battle and the war

"Tonight," you said, "I only please you."
"But, the catch is  I'll start out slow, and when you moan I'll go faster. And if you talk I'll go faster than when you moan."
Oh, what did I do to deserve you
I thought, with a huge smile on my face

We wipe our ***** with trees, just like bears do.

People online say I'm fine

Is it fine that I am depressed?
Is it fine I hate myself?
Is it fine that I hate every, and I mean everything about myself?
Is it fine that I'm suicidal?

No
I don't think it is
Whether or not it's my fault I'm not sure

But I'm not fine
I'm not beautiful
Not in my opinion

She broke a barrier,
A wall
Funny how tricks look and sound so real
Love, the idea seems so trill
Except when you lose what you wanted and it's better to let go
I swore she was beautiful
But my perception was cloudy when I was swearing
My final perception of her is fake
Fake is just an ugly imitation of beauty
*But, on the positive note, at least it's nice to look at from the outside.

Family
A word that's supposed to mean everything
But it also means nothing
To me, the definition is
Broken promises, and held back tears of disappointment
Fake tugs around the waist and meaningless I love you's with kisses on both sides of the surface
Silently getting kicked in the face with the “harmless" words they had to say
Softly getting praise, only to be back handed harshly after time and place
Family is my biggest disgrace
They have lied to my face
Disrespected me and my name

I can never again fall from grace
Because of all the scarring they left on my face

My mind keeps winding me down with a million thoughts
And shutting me down with Hulk-like emotions
              How do you give away a million things that wants to stay?
They've been trying me everyday,
    that's if you wanted the truth
But,
There's something about water that now makes me more serene than anything

*I gotta thank the fire for water.

I'd say my biggest crime is loving
Cause it goes against the laws of my heart
The biggest commandment I've broken was caring
That is why my soul is oh so demanding
It's a chronic pain measurement
My soul is collateral for this huge embezzlement
Doesn't my heart hold any sentiment?
I was never meant for this

You're so broken you're on your knees
You're alive but not living
If I could I'd bring you back to life
And that's a promise and definitely a lie to be told

You are your own resurrection
I cannot help you at all
If you fall I will try to catch you
But how can I catch you, if you are only a phantom of what was?
You'd slip right through my fingers like grains of sand in an hour glass
Just like you did with my trust
It slipped right through your phantom fingers

How did I ever think you were real?
I should have known those whispered words were nothing but wasted air and time
I could have sung songs of whispered broken hearts instead of listening to the nothing that is you
So from now on I will sing of phantoms, phantoms like you
The ones that use souls up and tell lies and break people's trust
*I wish I knew just what you were from the start
But how could I when I was blind from seeing right through you from the heart?

Your words are flushing hue.

I had a dream I wrote a poem
Man was it dope
I don't remember what I wrote
All I know it was all I could hope.

They teach you that life has many possibilities

*But they never teach you whether or not they're all believable

I am tired of breaking my spine to fit your perfect posture.

I pray,
I find you.
Someday,
You'll be happy to meet me.

Slash my heart
And hope to die
I pray to god
My soul you keep
Keep it safe
Keep it locked away inside your heart

I pray to the souls that know me to be happy without me
Do not mourn my death
You'll be with me yet
I may not die now
But my time will come
Naturally or by choice
*I pray to god my soul you keep

If you'll say something when someone else does it you better preach when you do it

One more day
One more chance
Say the word and we'll have this dance

Don't promise the world before you know whether or not they are your world
Otherwise you'll be out there breaking hearts

On the street
And on the corner
You'll be like a ******,
*...only ******* with people's hearts

You can promise me the world
But deep down I know you want to keep it.

It was just a pronoun
It was just a mistake
I didn't mean to call you the gender people thought you to be
I'm still going through the change
I absolutely did not mean it
I meant to call you she
Not he
I know what you are now
You're a woman
Stuck in a man's body

Suus 'got mammam exitibus
Unde et amor alterius innititur
*Quare id faciam, quod est nimis

She's got mommy issues
That is why she relies on another woman's love
*That is why I do too

How come it takes so much effort to get something good
And none at all to get everything bad?

None
Not an inch
I wonder what it all meant
Progression
But tell me
Tell me
Ring the bell chief
Bring me every ounce of grief
How are we "better" or "improved"
What have we planted in the youth?
It's too embedded in the root
It's no good, it's too rotten for real growth
Too many don't know or never cared beyond their own selfishness
People who can make changes only do a little of that for themselves
What is drugs, parties, and women?
The wheel is spinning fast and only right now you're "winnin"
You can't pick and choose what kind of person you see in yourself
*You're in need of some really good help

I just can't blame and go
I have to look at me and finally know

"Life won't let you go,
and death won't take me..."

Raven, the crow
Born white of sin
Born pure of pearl
Where do you go,
For your feathers to be ruffled?
Where do you go,
To learn such sweet songs?
In the throng of the clouds you've cleaned off any impurities that has caressed you fondly
Trying to turn your ruffled feathers black
Trying to burn you with shame
Where do you go,
To learn such monstrous songs?
Where do you go,
For your feathers to be perfectly groomed?
Crow, the raven
You have turned corrupt
By hiding your sins so sweetly
At least the color black is intriguing

Hm.
I wonder.
What world do I live in?
None of this can be real.
None of this can be real.
None of this can be real.
NONE OF THIS CAN BE REAL.
*Do you realize how insane we are all going?

Everything is easier said than done.
The struggle is the struggle.
No wrong is lesser than another,
no struggle better than another.
We all have our own trials.

Letting go of a flower petal
And the wind picking it up for a ride to the unknown
Feeling something in your heart as you realize a flower petal has so much more freedom than you do
It can be who it is without a care while you can't
And flowers are loved for it while you aren't

You stand there wishing for a second, for a mere second you wish you were that flower petal
Then you look down then around and walk away, maybe still wishing you were that flower petal or maybe having it change you forever

Life after life
Kingdom after Kingdom
Century after Century
Again and again
The hate
It happens, again and again
You cannot tell me my love is a sin when it feels so right
When it feels so just
You cannot tell me what I feel inside is wrong when you have never been inside my heart
You cannot tell me the mate of my soul
You have never touched it, nor seen it to tell me anything so bold
Your will can bend my body to do anything, but your will can never bend my soul
Like the tree who never bowed to any living soul

What you have taught me is
Ignoring the red flags
Will allow the wolves to consume you whole

I regret I wasn't good enough
I should have tried to be
I regret I didn't ask more
I should've asked more
I regret I whined too much
And I regret everything I did and didn't do
You told me everything I did wrong
I whined too much, I assume things, and I'm too attached to people and I make them uncomfortable
I don't know why I do it
I didn't really see it till you told me
I hate it
Makes me realize how messed up I am
I hated that you didn't even give me a chance to fix these things before you told me to "*******" after telling me how annoying I am
Then I realized
After what happened between me and Ne'coe I realize now that was my second chance to fix things
But
I didn't see it
I was too dumb to see it as a sign that I was the problem
That it was me
Not anyone else
I keep regretting
and I can't seem to stop
I keep over thinking everything I do or say to anyone
I hate regretting
because it makes my heart squeeze and crush under it's weight and it makes it heavy as oceans
And I'm doing it again
And again
And again
I keep reading the messages you sent me and it crushes my heart rereading it
All the reasons I was never good enough
Everything
And it makes me want to cry, but I can't
I haven't cried for anything for three years and I don't know why,
but I'm all cried out even after never crying
So I just try to fix these things you said, even though you won't want me anymore
And
I'll be a better friend for someone else
And if it helps
*I still care about you

God has always meant for us to sin
That's why Jesus died for them
Every sin in existence is forgiven already
We just haven't forgiven each other.

I laugh to replace the tears I need to cry.

You can replace a damaged object,
But you can't replace the damage you've inflicted on a person

Don't make me your residue
I am no longer with you
If you remember, 5 months ago you scrubbed me off
Don't continue living in me like an empty useless loft

Making someone feel regret may be a better revenge.

Do you think you can revive me, when I'm half dead?
No
I'm just half full of life
So I can not be revived when I'm technically still half alive
You might **** me with your electricity
Doesn't matter I'll be the same
Never noticed
And half dead
Always ashamed of my half life
Always waiting for my half death to become full
Or maybe for my half life to become full
if at all possible
And live it till it's gone
My brain's been half gone
It's waiting to either be brought back or for me to come with it
I'm not sure what happened to it
It just was never there
So can I be revived, when I'm half alive?
No don't try it
Your electricity might **** me
But either way
I'll be the same
Unnoticed
And half dead
While I lay in bed