I can't give you all of me
I can't give you the part you want either
I can only give a bare minimum
And that's not worth anything
So I would rather have you hate me after loving me so that when I'm gone it's easier for you to get over me
*Or I would rather have you not fall in love with me at all

There's always two mystery people in my house

Somebody and nobody

Somebody did it and nobody knows who

I wonder why
           You mystery people you
Live in my house everyday

Tired of this world around me
Rid the pain that's in me
Irritated with everything around me
Enddings never end
Dying inside slowly

*I TRIED

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is ******, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.

Come meet me on my battlefield of choosing
Don't be disappointed with what you got
Oh, it's hot
The anger and frustration
The bottles have just opened
Pandora's potions, they make me uncontrollable and insane
Where do you think I got this game?

I learned to be a bigger ******* from you.

All I hope
Is that someone will get me
That someone will truly care about what I do and say
And I hope I will understand them
Truly love and care about them
Care about what they do and say
That they will accept me for me
And I'll accept them too
All I really want is one person to stay with me my whole life
If I could just have that
Maybe I wouldn't be so broken
Maybe I could even be fixed
Maybe I wouldn't be so afraid of love
Or so afraid of myself
And maybe I wouldn't be afraid of my future or my past
I've already had people give up on me
And I know why they did
One of them told me why
And I see why too
I was never comfortable in my own skin and my own mind
And I made them uncomfortable to the point where it was too much
I was suffocating myself and I was doing it to them too
So when they left
I was more alone and I was realizing more and more
Everything is what's wrong with me
Everything
I never had any validation so I got worse
I did too many of the wrong things without knowing
And I feel like I won't be accepted anywhere
I'm trying to fix myself, but I have no idea how to
How do I fix myself when everything's wrong?
How do I fix myself when every piece is either bent out of shape or broken?

You held my spherical glass world in your hands for five seconds...*
And it was so easy for you to drop it
It shattered before it hit the tightly packed soil
And the glass did not drop
It just got stuck in your gravitational pull.

I don't know what's worse,
A person with too much pride,
Or a person with none at all.

What you have taught me is
Ignoring the red flags
Will allow the wolves to consume you whole

Just once I'd like to give into my desires
I'd wrap myself around you
Let my tongue surround you
Have my fingers pound you
And get nervous around you
I'd get anxious at the anticipation of where your head and hands are dipping into
The sweet succulent of tender flesh
Has me making so much mess
But still your tongue moves steadfast
Waiting for my frame to collapse

Dark skin* always out for blood
White skin* assumed to be filled with hate and guilt for not wanting their blood  *drained

Doubt,
My old girl
You've been my middle man
But I need to switch insurance companies
Sorry this isn't what we planned
You let my health get out of hand

I envy the girls with small hands and small feet
Long hair and everything petite
I have large hands and large feet
Short hair and everything big about me
Some girls envy my height
Some girls envy my large hands cause they're good in a fight
I'm a writer, not a fighter
I'm not in a padded ring
I'm walking my way down blue lines of offering
The offering that takes me
It takes my writer's blood as offering
And it's never ending
I'm thankful for the pages that hold me
They're the reason I'm staying together
They are the reason I haven't fully fell a part yet

*And the ropes are slowly thinning away into nothing

Your insecure *** thinks I want your wo/man?
Oh oh oh oh
You ain't gotta worry
You can keep em
Wrap em in a box
Put em on your doorstep
And they'll go show up on somebody else's doorstep
Saying, "Hey how ya doing?"
And they'll be back by the time your alarm clock goes off
Like they never left
And I don't want any part of it
You can keep em
You can stay
You ain't gotta worry about me any day
"He ain't got no loyalty
He ain't got no respect
All he got is money and a ****
You can keep him
He ain't ****"
"She ain't really nurturing
She ain't really fit
She wants to control everything
It's out of my limits"

Raven, the crow
Born white of sin
Born pure of pearl
Where do you go,
For your feathers to be ruffled?
Where do you go,
To learn such sweet songs?
In the throng of the clouds you've cleaned off any impurities that has caressed you fondly
Trying to turn your ruffled feathers black
Trying to burn you with shame
Where do you go,
To learn such monstrous songs?
Where do you go,
For your feathers to be perfectly groomed?
Crow, the raven
You have turned corrupt
By hiding your sins so sweetly
At least the color black is intriguing

The words of me...

My mind is blank, and I keep thinking *what are the words of me?

Some here has called me beautiful, worthy, expressive
But I feel ugly, unworthy, miserable, and meek

What are the words of me?

I'm silent on the outside, silently loud on the inside
Always am I sad, my soul cries and lets out silent screams

What are the words of me?
I find it a mystery.
Why am I a mystery of myself?
Am I still figuring the paradox that is me?
I think so
It's like
I'm still learning my soul and the hieroglyphics that is my heart
Both are foreign to me
Something I've barley discovered

What are the words of me?
I'm still confused, like I never really knew, or maybe have yet to discover it

What are the words of me?
Well here it is.
The words of me are the foreign language of my heart and soul
Each and every poem I wrote and will write explains the words of me
Little by little
My poems are the words of me and more

Those are the words of me
And they're worth a billion and more pictures

I hated I ever met you
I hated I didn't cut things loose
Honestly, I can't even say I hate you though
It was my responsibility to tell you no
I hated my gut was screaming at me, by making me ill
And I still didn't decide to listen, sit down and chill
The solution -the cure- was pretty **** simple
And I am an overwhelming complicated thinker
Who has learned to simplify her mind
If I ever hear my gut whimper

I have visited it in my mind, but not in my body
Imagined nature and it's smells
*A doe and her fawn walking just as the noon sun was setting
I,
Sitting, watching, waiting, writing
The birds twitter the music of their language
The soul soothed by the beauty of nature
Everything in it calming and healing to the soul
They don't have unnecessary violence that man has
They instead
Live with a food chain that nature has agreed upon and bestowed upon them to keep its balance
And I,
Sitting, watching, waiting, writing
Am letting my soul rest and have the wind, the smells, and the music cleanse a corner of my dark soul
And bring drop of light in it

It's hard for people to be true to themselves
*And even harder for them to be true to others.

If you'll say something when someone else does it you better preach when you do it

Do me a favor
Save me some time
Write down those lies
At least I can shine a light on it to determine whether it's see through

Notice the burning of a cigarette leaves a lifeless hollow shell
Just like a star
Just like the me you know so well
It,
Leaves behind ashes,
Leaves behind dirt,
Leaves behind lashes,
Leaves behind hurt.
Just like the burning of a cigarette leaves behind air so toxic
A burning star like me, will leave behind such losses.

"I choose you.
I love you.
I will love you tomorrow
And the next day
And the next day
And the next day
Untll my heart stops beating to love you."

Protect your fingers, protect your toes
Follow the wrinkles, pay out the tolls
Jump the gate, find the bread crumbs
It's too late, would you like some ***?
Wallow in the gallows, more *** flow than blood flow
Limply creeping to who knows
You hate yourself.
You let it woe.

I wish I could convince myself she never existed
I wish I could shatter, rip, and burn every image I have of her in my mind
Cause my eyes keep seeing her so clearly
I don't even have to close them

*Will it if the wish is mine.

One moment
One day
Just give me a reason
To ******* away

I swear I have so much to say.
But all I can give you is silence.
There's not enough words to explain.
And I feel so guilty when I shouldn't be.

I feel shattered
All the pieces of my heart are scattered
All of the pieces are clattered
Every bone in my body feels scathed, like it has its scars
Like the pieces of my heart cut deeper into them than any glass could
It poisoned me more than the strongest poison a woman has ever made
The broken pieces of my heart cut into the bones of my fingers and palms
I keep trying to put it back together like it was, already knowing it won't look or feel the same
The blood that flows in my Swiss cheesed heart flows with all the broken promises you never kept and all the empty and faded dreams you decided to give to someone else
I try to use my salt watered tears to weather the sharp edges on my heart down
I drink, I smoke, and have *** with different men to get over you
But it doesn't work
I feel shattered
Every bone in my body aching from the deep cuts of my broken heart

I am tired of breaking my spine to fit your perfect posture.

I'm confusing me
I want things
But I know I don't deserve them so I don't allow myself to have it
I desire them so much
I doubt I will ever have it though
I confuse me so much
No wonder that's all I see

A little girl who didn't remember
A little girl who didn't care about looks or felt sad
A little girl who hadn't yet saw the world for what it was
A little girl who was always happy
A little girl who had good friends

I'm none of those things anymore
I remember
I care
I feel depressed
And I am seeing the world for what it is
I am afraid of living
Not afraid of the dark like when I was little
In fact I love the dark
Best place to hide if you don't want to be seen
And it's really quiet but full of noise

I am not a girl anymore
Neither am I a woman
Because a woman isn't afraid
And I am
I'm afraid of living, breathing the breathe I'm breathing, feeling, I am afraid of love, cause I don't want a broken heart, and I am afraid of fear
But not death, I'm not completely afraid of him
He is my wish, my lust, and a friend
The only one who will stay with me at the end
So we're destined to meet
I just won't know when

But until then I'll be afraid of living, of breathing, and of loving

I should have listened to my gut
Felt so sick and starved that I wanted to give up
I just wanted to erupt
My mind went through hiccups
Laughter is my pick up
I promise to listen to my gut

Things won't stop falling
won't stop breaking or slowly cracking
everything shattering into a million pieces
flying everywhere and never found again to put back together
or fixed to be new again
I won't stop falling
I won't stop crashing into this bottomless pit of depression and sorrow that nips deep down into my bones
I'm falling
I'm crashing
I'm way too deep to stop falling or crashing down into what feels forever
I have to stop it
stop it the only way I know how to

I want all of you
not just secret you
I want all of you
the good and the bad
and I'll give you all of me
Just me and just you
I want all of you
I want the parts you think are ugly but I think are beautiful because it's you
I want the beautiful parts of you even though you think they aren't that beautiful
I want the best of you
And I even want the worse of you
Because everything that's good and bad about you makes you you
And I love you
I don't want to be a secret anymore
I want all of you
So lets not be each others secret because we know exactly how we feel
And now I finally have all of you and you have all of me

I loved the pain
I let it go
And it came back
To stay.

I almost feel vulnerable around you
Your warm arms wrapped around me and your face snuggled in my neck
I feel your every breath, I feel your every heart beat
I hear the whispers you make when you dream
Ironically whenever you're asleep I have the courage to talk to you and when you're awake my words cower on my tongue
I don't want you to know
I don't want you to know the part of me that's hidden
I just want you to hold me, and make me feel vulnerable and loved forever

I hope you ******* die
I hope someone rips your heart out like you did mine
I hope you ******* cry
And spill ****** tears like I did that night
And I'll spit on your ******* grave and move on to the next who made me feel this way
I will walk the **** away when you're on your knees begging me to stay
I hope someone kills your heart like you did mine
I hope they taste the ****** tears that you left behind
I will lay a flower on your grave
It will be dead
Like our relationship
And more like your empty soul beyond this pain

Slowly dying
Slowly crying
Slowly giving up without even trying

I'm slowly anticipating what everyone else is afraid of

I'm slowly crawling towards insanity
I'm slowly weeping for sanity

I'm slowly wishing for a solace


I'm slowly hoping for release
From this hell bent place that's corrupting my belief
I'm hoping when I get what I'm anticipating
*I'll be free

Obsessions,
They either end or you do.
And sometimes it's called love.

I cannot explain why I have this pain
In my heart and in my soul
I cannot let go
I can't let go that you're not here anymore
I can't let go that you will never be back
That I'll never hear your voice again
That I'll never be forced into those sort of bear hugs you liked to give me (even though you knew that I hated hugs)
That I'll never hear the funny laugh you had (when you really truly laughed)
Now you're a million miles away
I don't know if you're alive, married to some girl in Vegas
I don't know if you're dying on a corner of some street I don't know of
I don't know where you are, what you are doing, who and what you have left behind, dead or alive
I don't know
I just know you left me and never looked back or sent a letter
I grieve your death just the same
When you left you basically died
You killed your image in me
An image never fading
I still hate hugs even though I miss yours
I still miss your voice and laughter, but you're gone now
And you promised to never come back
*It looks like you're keeping your promise rather well

I'm tired
   *My whole being wants to give up

Light can't live in darkness
That's why I'm dying

The sky is blue
But the concrete is black

Fall cause the leaves are falling
Turn cause the leaves are turning
Be gentle like the wind that's blowing
Be quiet like nature's snoring
Throwing acorns may be boring
But the squirrels are the ones really scoring
Baby chipmunks too
Cryless skies of baby blue
Oh, I just urn to see you
This season makes me sink in memories
Hell, it takes me deep into my feelings
But sweater weather is fun
It's cold while you have warm sweaters on
Couldn't be a better season

Empty
Dark
Full of regrets
Full of imperfections and mistakes
Shame
Shame at being who I am
Full but empty
Empty yet dark
Void of all my emotions
The black hole that ***** them in then spits them out at the most inconvenient time
Void empty unforgiving black hole
I'm enchanted by you
I hate you, but can't ever forget you
You're my drug and I'm hooked on you
Addicted to you
You've never gone away no matter how hard I've tried
I'm not sure if I want you to
Cause happiness seems so fake like plastic or people
Happiness feels great, but it feels so fake compared to you
You're real
I know you
You make hating myself feel good, you make it feel right
But it's not right and I know it
But I love the way you do it
How you make self hate and loneliness feel so addicting, so good
How you make the constant mental pain and heart ache  feel blissful
How you keep me wanting more
And how when I get a lick of happiness you make you miss you more
You keep me wanting, waiting, and begging for more
And I want it to end
And I can't make it
Your hold on me is tighter than welded iron and there's no heat to unconnect it
Only cold
There's a lock on my heart and you've put it there...
so that I would never let go or stop being an addict
But it's not like I don't have the skeleton key
to unlock
          *and let be...