Red curls,
Tied loosely behind your head.
Isn't it strange
That we both know
How we spend the hour
Between three and four
Every Thursday afternoon?

We both wore maroon today,
Contrasting against my short orange strands
And your orange kinked locks.
We both have therapy today.

We waited for our rides together
In the autumn sunshine,
And tried not to make eye contact.
Isn't it strange to see
We both exist outside
Of the
Office?
See us out of our
Safe places
Where the real world
Hurts us.

You are sunshine
In my life.
Warming, beautiful, tender, loving,
Sunshine.

I am gradually falling in love
with the concept of us.
Us together.
Two poets in love,
sipping our fancy tea.

Come hammock with me,
on a beach of
star-studded
lake softened
pebbles,
I'll paint pictures
from sun-baked colors,
while you paint
images with light
and glass lenses.

Sailing while freckles
pop up on our shoulders,
your strong hands on the helm.
We'd be wind pirates,
lake waves
would spray
our laughing faces.

You and I
both crave human contact,
like we crave crisp cold air.
Old movies would sprinkle our skin
with black and white,
and our arms would intertwine.

We could cook together,
try spicy things.
The music of popping butter
would feed our souls.
We'd kiss our cats,
and walk our dogs,
side by side,
if you were mine.

I know it's strange,
and as I write,
I'm helping you win another girl,
and we're miles apart...
But if this were one
of those eighties
romantic comedies,
we'd be the best friends
who saw each other with new eyes
before the credits rolled.
And it'd be some kind of wonderful.

Today I am
vindictive,
Ugly,
and harsh.

I'm a wine
left to turn to vinegar.
Once red,
fine,
and precious,
but bitterness is all that's left.

Tonight the soft skin
of the secret parts of my body
I shared with you are hard,
and covered with a scally armor,
like a cunning snake.

This night,
I am jealous,
and cold.
The scheming
spiteful queen
from the pages of a book.
The horned monster
in the woods.

This morning is
a gentle pale blue,
painted with fire,
to burn the wicked witch.
You rallied the mob,
armed them with pitchforks,
and now,
if it's a villain you want,
it's a villain you shall get.

Because this,
this monster...
Is who I must be.
You screamed into the hearts
of my loved ones
that this is who I am.

After all,
you've never lied before,
have you?

Murky brown water,
Probably won't last long.

I've perched myself on a stone wall
In a graveyard
This muggy evening.
My pail redhead skin
And maroon painted toes
Are a startling contrast
Against the dark
Evaporating stream below me.

Softened stones, And scared thoughts,
Probably won't last long.

The adjusting of the season
Leaves mowed grass spat
Out by a man-made monster
In the water,
And orange tainted leaves.
Small fish bicker with each other,
And turn over with a glint
If their silver bellies.
My stomach is tight
With anxiety.

Mud caked banks,
Probably won't last long.

A dragonfly
Befriends my toes,
Green shine,
Suspended in the air.
My fears for my future
Buzzing in my head.
Crickets clicking
At the sinking sun.
The abundance of rain
Must have overfilled this brook in the early summer,
And now it's dying.

There's so much hope for me, and my "talents", my bright future.
It probably won't last long.

If I had a coffee shop,
I'd call it The Lullaby.
There'd be sleepy yellow light,
And beer mugs full of
Iced tea.

I'd know all of the town
Gossip,
And hug the people who
Need it.
I'd have sandwiches
For rainy days,
And warm pastries
For snowy days,
And Potato salad
For hot days.

If I had a coffee shop,
Old men would sit at the bar,
Sipping their simple coffees,
And whining about the weather,
And the problems
With their cars.
If I had a coffee shop,
Old women would tell me
My cakes are made
The way their mothers used to
Make them,
And I'd serve them tea
In thriftstore
Missmatch teacups.

I'd fill my little Lullaby,
With work by unknown artists,
And strange trinkets I took
A fancy to,
And have books
About old actors,
And books meant to be
Read in a crowd
So you can imagine
The lives around you.

If I owned a coffee shop,
I'd play songs from musicals,
And garnish things
With mint leaves
And strawberries.
I'd have madalines
And my mother's coffee cake,
And her soup too.

If I had a coffee shop,
Maybe I could meet you.

There was queen Ann's lace
And yellow wild flowers
Up to our knees.

I can breathe with you.

There were gentle raindrops
Whispering on our faces.
Sock feet entwined,
Suspended in the air
Guarded by two trees
At dusk.
Your warm body pressed
Against mine.

I can feel calm with you.

I wrinkled my yellow dress
In the water softened rocks
On the sunset beach.
You mumbled profanity
At your camera,
And I couldn't stop smiling.
There you were
With me,
And with
Me.

I can feel with you.

It was in the moment
With my hand
Gripped in yours
Pressed up against your lips
That I knew,
And knew you did too.
Your hazel eyes
Gave it away,
Filling my heart,
And breaking it with your sadness
All at once.

I love you.

In a tender moment,
Softly touched
By sunlight,
You signed "beautiful"
On my face.
Your soft lips are slowly
Soothing the bad memories
Away.
Replacing them with
Golden hour baked
Love.
You've become
The most welcoming home
I've ever had.

I can be loved by you.

I brushed on
My pink lipstick,
And you combed down
Your damp hair,
Every few moments we exchanged
A kiss,
It was so amazingly ordinary.

I can feel natural with you.

Your head
Rested on my chest,
Because I know the softest grass
Under my favorite tree,
And like my secret writings,
You shared it with me.

I can feel safe with you.

You make a poet
Lose her words,
In the moment
You speak love,
Where I am speechless with warmth,
So here's my love.

I
Love
You

"Layna, this is Seth,"
Our father breathed into
My ear.
"I think you two should play together
For a while."

We were only children,
Toddling around
With wild fantasies.
I was bashful and shy,
But I always tried
To make you laugh.
And you always gave me
Reasons why you weren't a good
Playmate.

We played tag,
And the wind would carry
Your feet
And push my hair into my face,
I never liked this game.
You always got so far away.
I'd only catch you
When you were out of breath,
You'd stop short,
And I run into you
Hard.
"Father she pushed me!"
"I did NOT! He's lying!"

Our small high voices
Would rise up the chimney
Making imperfect
Melodies together,
And not hearing a thing
The other said,
Too caught up
In our own disassociative
Play land.
"Daddy he won't listen to me!
He ignores me!"
"Father I can't get her
To slow down and think!"

Our amusement
Of one another
Started getting rough,
You didn't like
How I'd started getting more
Boisterous,
And confident.
Unafraid to poke the bear with a stick,
And I loathed your timid
Out look on life.
"Father she scares me! She plays too rough!"
"Daddy he won't take chances! He's still so shy!"

But then there'd be a blissful
Moment
Of perfect harmony,
Under a canopy of tree branches
Woven together,
You'd dare to hold my hand,
And I'd slow down
And breathe it in.
"Daddy why can't he always be like this?"
"Father will she calm down
With age?"

"I love him daddy, he's good sometimes."
"I love her father, she's beautiful when she's gentle."

We built things together,
Crooked buildings out of
Sticks.
You found it funny when they fell through,
I saw it as a problem
To solve.
"Father she's too driven, and bossy. She wants everything just so."
"Daddy he doesn't care if it all falls apart."

We'd wrestle in the grass,
It started out just fun,
Then your pride was damaged,
And so was mine,
And I couldn't let you win.
"Father I don't know if I want to play anymore, she never lets anything go. She won't let me have my way."
"Daddy he thinks I have to be something else."

I would giggle at foolish things,
And sang silly songs,
And you watched me with slitted eyes, Unamused.
"Father she's overwhelming."

"Layna he isn't happy,"
Our father murmured softly.
"Well I'm not happy either!
So he can just leave me alone!"

"What? Why?"
"Because you don't like me anyways!"
"Fine!"

Our inner
Traumatized children, didn't play well together,
And they were determined
To come out
And have their say,
So when they couldn't get along,
I realized,
Neither could we.

My skin is rough like asphalt,
I'm scratching at it
With my finger nails.
My hair is a mess of knotted
Together chains,
I'm pulling at with my hands.
I want to claw off
This prison of a body.

The inside of my skull
Is a series of shadows,
When you enter the first
It burns,
The second
You can't breath,
As you go on
You'll feel like you're
Swimming through molasses,
And collapsing,
And crying,
And freezing.
I hide in these shadows,
But I'd give them
All up
For you.

I want to burn myself
Into ashes,
Because I'm made of
What you can't love.

My hands are burning
Hot iron,
And you're made of fragile
Ice.

You cut toxic people
Out of your life
Like paper snowflakes,
I knew one day
It would be my turn.
If I cut myself up
Like a paper craft,
Carved out the parts of me
That hurt you,
Would you want me?

Would there be anything left?

How does it feel
To wake up one day
And realize
You're in an abusive relationship,
And know you aren't the victim?
Like dying.
Over and over
And
Over
Again,
Because you hurt them,
And you don't know how
To stop.

Bottled
Boxed
Shrink wrapped
Flash frozen
Angst
And grunge.
Spray on depth
And emotions,
Advertised
To children.
Individually packaged
Insomnia,
Because something
Needs to be wrong with you
For people to care.

In our pre ripped,
Pre faded jeans,
Music
About drugs
And drink,
Sung
By children
Who've never come close
To either,
At the top of their lungs
Into the night.

Because pain is deep,
Pain is real.

We're dumping paint cans
Full of black paint
Over our heads,
Clumping our hair together,
Covering our sunshine
Yellow bodies.
Just to demonstrate
Some contrast
Against the summer
Blue sky,
So we get to be
A little different.

Sabotage
Sabotage
Sabotage
Sabotage

Marketed,
Advertised,
Sabotage.

Do you feel it in the air?
Family value sized
Self destruction?

And pointing it out
Is pointless,
Because my fake nose piercing,
And brand new
First tattoo
Sting still,
You could say I'm the worst.

It's late at night,
I dully stare at the pink glow
Of my lamp,
There's a draft under my door,
And some sort of funny ache
In my chest.

The lazy afternoon light
From my murky glass window
Bathed your sleepy smile
On my pillow.
Your calloused hands
Ran
Around my stomach
And my back.
My fingers found a birthmark
On your ribs
I had never noticed.
Our noses touched,
And breath mingled.

My neck aches
From nighttime worries,
There's a funny taste in my mouth
From things I never wanted to say.
The ocean is a kaleidoscope of colorful fish,
And all I want to think of is you.

Your frame shivered
In the chill summer breeze
Rolling off of the lake.
Tiny round sheets of stone
Stuck to my damp toes.
You tended the small fire on the beach
While I hung on your arm and every word.
On the car ride home
We sang our hearts out
To old songs about rock and roll,
And the wind blew my hair dry
And into your face.

The old pictures feel like yesterday.
They're a patchwork quilt
Of moments with you.
It's the kind of lonely
In the pit of my belly
That needs to be shaken
With strong drink.
My mouth it etched in a frown.

I tried to cook for us
The night of our Anniversary,
What normally came easy
Made me apprehensive.
And when the meal went to grief
And I was close to tears,
You marveled at the science
Of how it had happened,
And inspected it closely,
Until you got me to laugh.

My jaw is clenched,
And my brow is knit together
Like a stocking,
But my head knows where it belongs.
On your shoulder,
Held in your hand,
Talking about music,
And space,
And past pain.

It was the smallest hours
Of the morning,
Cuddled up on your bed,
When I dared to touch
A long scar on your lower back.
I asked you where it came from,
You said your father
Had hit you so hard
He'd left it.
I was quiet.
My angry, protective whisper
Covered the lump in my throat,
As I promised I would
Never
Hurt you like that.
You said you knew that already,
And you'd never told anyone that story
Before me.

You're waltzing through
My thoughts tonight,
And you always danced so beautifully.
Taking my clumsy movements
Into your stride,
And guiding me across the floor
With gentle steadiness.
You're jump roping my brainwaves,
And caressing my consciousness.

How I miss
Your whiskery kisses.

My wrists are bound
With an old plastic
Rope,
You're dragging me along
The stoney earth.

My hair is a tangle
Of dead branches
And tall grass.

My arms and legs,
Are cut and scraped
From the dry ground.

My mouth and nose,
Are full of the dusty earth,
And I can't breathe anymore.

My clothes are torn,
My lips cracked
From the unforgiving sun,
My wrists are bleeding.

I don't know whether to struggle
Or lay down,
As you wrench me
Farther,
And
Farther,
From who I am.

I'm a tight rope walker
Accross telephone wire.
I hear phrases,
Anger,
Love,
Grief,
Happiness,
And they've all bled together.

Our future and our past
Stand as two poles,
More wires than I can count
On my fingers
Webbed between them.
And I'm tangled up in the mess.

There are lies blazing through
The wire around my neck,
Love traveling back and forth
Around my chest,
Happiness
Buzzing around my head,
And fear
Encasing
My stomach.

I'm alone on my tight rope,
I don't know where you are,
All I hear are your words,
Jumbled together
In a rainstorm signals.

I smile in pictures now,
My therapist says my face relaxes
When we have a session,
I bought myself
Something I liked,
And I didn't feel bad about it.

I can calm my breathing faster,
I'm not as a afraid to
Go back to work,
Talking to strangers
Is easier.
I'm writing again.

It felt like defeat,
Like I gave up fighting
My own brain,
And that was wrong,
But for now,
Even if it's just for now,
This is okay.

You aren't a failure
If you need help,
It doesn't have to be forever,
Don't be disappointed
In yourself.

I'd never been me before,
I don't know who else I've been
But I imagine they'll be wanting
Them self
Back.

So here, have you,
And I hope you're ready
To let me have me,
Because it's been so long now,
And I think it's time to stop
Hiding.

There's a leash attached
Around my neck,
Pressing against my throat,
Limiting my breathing.
On the other end,
Is any stranger or passerby
To look at me too long,
Or mutter a greeting.

They exchange the noose,
Hand it off
To the next person in line,
Without a word.

The pain in my chest
Is dictated by strangers,
Without my consent
Your actions control me.

Anxiety
Is a leash,
Tightly wound around me.

There's a woman
Falling from the sky
Made up of graphite,
Begging me to catch her.

There's young girls
With red ink
Streaked accross their backs
And arms,
Pleading for my help.

This is my world
Of condemned people.

There's lines about
Characters without
Redemption
Asking me what happens next,
Hoping I'll pull them out.

There's a soft world of white
Before me,
I tear at it with my pen,
I scratch trauma
And loathing into its core.

Paper is my world,
I am the god of this
Crumpled up planet.
And a broken god
Makes a broken world.

This world I've made,
You may not understand it,
Be fearful, for I command it.
No one can tell me
What to do here.

You should be more careful
Who you lend
Your ears.
I'll draw lines through you,
And rewrite your future.
Welcome to my paper world.

It's a rainy evening in January,
And Dexys Midnight Runners
Are flirting with Eileen.
There's fettuccine bubbling away
Over the blue flames,
And I miss you.

It's the kind of night that needs
Tea,
And spicy food,
And whiskery kisses.
I made steam scented with strong spices and herbs
Curl around the kitchen,
And weave around me dancing
To help keep me from noticing
You aren't here.

But you aren't here.

You don't need me to feel weak,
To feel like you can love me,
And I don't need to feel like I can't protect myself
In order to feel protected by you.

I like CDs because they feel more real,
And I like you,
Because you feel more real.

You slept next to me last night,
And your soft breath in my ear
Made sleeping
Less terrifying.
I'm trying to drown out the lack of your voice
With old music,
But it isn't working
Because you love old music.
I woke up and you were gone,
Waking up is a colorful explosion
Of soft kisses and and gentle
Touches with you,

But you aren't here.

There's only so long
You can hide behind social
Status,
And which clothes you wore,
And who was smartest.
You end up
In one of many places
When high school finally ends.

Maybe you were smart,
And wore pastel cardigans,
And you ended up in a pristine
University
Accross the country,
That you hate.

Maybe you're working
Full time,
In a little farm store,
Where the men there
Treat you like meat.

Maybe you're part time
Trapped
In a preserved piece
Of old America,
With guns hanging
Far above your head,
And beer signs
Tattooing the side of the building.

You'll be stuck in one
Of many places,
But wherever you are,
You'll have no idea where
You're going,
Because no one
Is telling
You
What to do
Anymore.

The grass was overgrown,
And stubbornly fought
Against the clean sheet we layed
On it.
I made you paint,
And the floating haze in the air
Stung my eyes.

I knew something was wrong,
We all did.
We saw your emotions
Doing backflips
And pirouettes.
We saw your sleep
Running away from you,
We saw the music clouding up
Your thoughts
So they couldn't hurt you.

But none of us knew
How wrong it was.

I took two terra-cotta
Flower pots
In hand,
And declared it a lovely day.
You deemed it dismal.
I waltzed into the yard,
With bottles of bright paint,
And soft brushes.
I made you sit
In the oppressive sunshine,
With insects
Whizzing around our ears
To paint flower pots.

On a long dog walk at midnight,
You finally told me half of the truth.
That you were having problems.

The grass was still lively
And springy,
It was after the drought.
You dribbled paint
In pretty patterns,
And I tried to convince myself
This was good for you.

It was the small early hours
Of the morning,
Lit with fairy lights,
And your humidifier
Puffing in the corner,
That you told me the whole truth.

You had given yourself until September.

Printed an expiration date
On your forehead.
And I wish I could say
In that moment I knew what to do.

It's been a while now,
I'd like to think
I don't have to worry anymore,
But I do.
So in case I should,
I love you.

I love you,
And I promise to never make you
Sit in the sun
And paint again.

I can see your hair,
Winding up,
Up,
Towards the sky,
Shining in the sun,
Like seaweed.
Your hands are
Gripping the ocean
Floor,
Holding tight
To ancient wreckage
At the bottom of the sea.

Bubbles
Dance up to the surface,
From your lips,
You're running out of
Air
Under there.
I dive down,
Down,
Into the murky water,
So low
I can feel the pressure
On my chest.

I extend my arm,
Grabbing onto you,
Before anymore harm
Is done.
But you push me away,
Back up to the
Cold wind.
I get a glimpse of your eyes,
Closed.

I'm watching you,
Lose more oxygen,
I'm watching you,
Knowingly drowning.
Afraid to see the life beyond
This,
And I can't save you,
But I keep trying to.

Dust off your hearts,
And your smiles,
Because you're coming home.

Paint your face
Like a China doll,
And cut yourself out
Of your own life
Like a paper doll.
Brush your matted hair.

Make a ginger bread house
Around yourself
For protection,
It doesn't have to be strong
They won't try too hard
To get in.

Wrap yourself
In a package
With a bow to be
Festive,
So they don't actually have to
Invest in you.

There's no place like home
For the holidays.

I'm currently assisting
My sister
In pretending
She knows my mother,
I'm listing the little things about her
That I take for granted.
It's amazing
What someone will do
To make believe they care
For just a day.

Would you like
A frosty glass
Of water on the side
Of your pride?
I know it's hard to swallow.

Hold me against you
While you
Hold me against you.
Take every hurtful thought
That's ever skipped through
My head and out of my mouth,
And use it as a reason
To hate yourself.
But pull my body
Close to yours,
And let me feel your warmth.

Hold me against you
While you
Hold me against you.

Do you think of all of my
Anxiety induced harmful
Ramblings,
As my fingers trace
Pretty patterns on your skin?
Do you hold me
While you hold my shameful fear
In your ears?

Do you feel me loving you
As you embrace me?
Or are you holding
A hot piece of metal,
Against your bare skin,
Letting it
Sink in,
And sear,
Make your flesh bubble
And smoke?

Do you hold me against you
While you
Hold me against you?

They can prescribe
Pills to make you sleep,
Pills to make you happy,
Pills to stop the anxiety,
Pills to make you
Walk around
In a drunken haze
So that you can't connect
With the world enough
For it to hurt anymore.

They could give me pills
To help me get through work,
To make me smile at strangers,
They could give me pills
To fix my insomnia,
They could give me pills
To drown out the loop
Of anxiety
I'm constantly
Trapped in.

But could someone give me pills
To stop me from hurting him,
Him,
The thing I love most.
I'm like a white hot iron,
Sinking into his flesh,
Making it sizzle and
Bubble,
Making smoke curl up
In curvy pictures.
Can they give me pills
To stop that?

They can prescribe pills,
To stop your sneezing,
So help make your second
Personality
Shut up,
To stop your mood swings.

But can they give me pills
To stop me
From being so tired
From fighting every instinct
Of dysfunction I have?
I'm an artist of self destruction,
My brush strokes are skillful,
And aged with experience,
The colors make it stand out,
When you focus on it long enough.
Can they drug me until I forget
I can't even tell I'm hurting
The man I love
Until it's too late?
Can they give me pills to tune out
The reality that my own father
Molested me,
And that it will haunt my actions
For the rest of my life?


Can they give me pills to stop that?

CAN THEY GIVE ME PILLS TO ******* STOP THAT?

It's a whip that stings across my back,
And face,
Constantly,
It thrashes at my body,
It will always be there,
And if you get too close
You get hit too,
And I have to watch you,
Praying you'll leave me.
Why do they think I don't let people in?

Because they can't prescribe me pills
To stop that.

I used to be able
To drag my hand down your back
And count your bones,
Feel every bump in your spine.
I would hold your delicate frame
To protect you from the world
But here we are,
Your shoulders are strong,
From carrying the weight of your own
World,
And you're somehow protecting me.
The strangeness of recovery
is unnatural
When we grow while broken,
Like a tree bent into awkward
shapes
And twisted around it's oppressor.
But my love,
Let's regrow together.

Breathe in,
Look at the date,
Look at the time,
Count on your fingers
The reasons I'm still here,
And register,
This is the last time,
I'm honest about myself
To you
Ever
Again.

I'm tangled
In a mess of cables,
Winding around my neck
And my wrists,
Tightening around my chest.

I'm a living power strip
That grew a personality,
Sparks burn my ears
As they encircle my head,
The result of too many plugs.
No one even asks anymore,
They come up behind me,
grab me around the throat,
And sink their plug in.

I supply your power,
When you're drained you
Take up my battery.
I look like some creature
Of the night,
with plugs running up my back,
Like spines.
And I can't breathe
With the chords pressing against
My ribs.

I'm watching myself
Slowly die,
Everyone's need for power,
Is draining me.
I want to rip out
Every
Single
Plug.
But I'm afraid you'll leave with them.

Your eyes look like salt water,
I'll shake it with ice,
And pour it in a clouded glass,
And down it in one swallow.

I'm feeling self destructive,
Want to do it with me?

Your hair is soft
And familiar to my finger tips,
So it will feel at home,
Between my fingers,
Rolled in lit paper.

Sometimes
It feels like we're just a
Bad habit.

But it's probably just anxiety
Again.

Window panes let me watch my breath,
Through my car window
I wish I could see
A speed limit for breathing,
I've Lost control again.

If I hide,
If I'm very careful to stay away
From the things that keep me up
In the dead of the night,
I can say I'm doing fine.

Through my rose coloured ears
I listen to the music
That's gotten me through the years.
If I could be comforted it would be
By the voices
Of people I've never met,
So let me comfort you,
Let me hold you for a moment,
And I'll whisper my stories in your ear...

Human beings scare me,
Like maybe they scare you,
Strangers dictate my mood,
Control my breathing,
And the fear in my belly.
You aren't the only one
Who hates going to work.
If I could see your fear
Painting gruesome pictures
On your face,
And up your arms,
I'd hold you, dear.

I'm watching the glass
Fog up
With my quick breaths,
This is just another sad poem
In a see of unhappy people,
That doesn't make much sense,
But if it slowed your breathing,
Like it did mine,
If it helped you lost track of your
Panic
For a second,
Maybe it was worth the hurt
Of walking myself
Through a panic attack

Right now,
It feels as if
I've thrown myself
Into a TV of flipping channels,
The static pixels
Are dripping down my back,
And stinging my eyes.
Nothing makes sense anymore.

You've cut people out
Of your life,
Like meticulously crafted
Paper snowflakes,
And I feel myself folding
To be cut next.

My life is vibrating in my scull,
I'm fumbling with the images,
And I don't feel like I'm touching
Anything,
Especially not you.

I'd like to rip a part
Every
Single
Day,
And make a collage,
With the yellows and greys,
The kisses down my neck,
And play all our mean words
On vinyl
As I glue it all together.

I can't reach you,
Not through your brain,
An underachiever like myself,
Can't bust into there,
And I'm scratching
At the glass coating on your heart,
But I don't want to break it.

I've stopped reminding myself
Why I do
What I do,
Why I don't fight you anymore.
I've let myself crash into
A kaleidoscope
Of colors,
And start drowning
A sea of coursing
TV static
Channels.
Because it's easier
Than losing you.

But I hush my thoughts now,
Because it may all be
My crazy anxiety
Ripping up my brain,
Again.

The yellow sunlight licked
Our foreheads,
And the grass was heat baked
In the summer afternoon.
A boy with blond curls
Reclined under a tree,
School books scattered on the ground.
The air from 1966 tastes different.

I sit under the tree,
I stare the seventeen-year-old boy,
Who doesn't know me,
And will never want to.
He bats a fly away, lazily,
And inquires who I am,
And why I'm on his father's land.

"Why don't you love me?"
The question pumps through the blood
Roaring in my ears,
He passes me a quizzical look.  

Here,
On equal ground,
Him just beginning his life,
Me fighting through mine.
Caught in a time I've never known,
Him looking upon someone
From a future he's building.
This is where I want to ask him.
When his cheeks still have a youthful
Cheer,
This is the version of him I want to ask,
Here in the New York farmland,
Only gently caressed by civilization.
In his world before all the women,
And all the lies.
"Dad, why didn't you love me?"

Among stone walls,
And sunlit lawns
With trees that light glosses,
I am a scenery.

There's a fresh new currency
In the world,
But maybe it isn't so new,
We pay each other attention,
And collect bills
From our needy companions.

I lose myself,
In the chaotic storm
Of the attention economy,
I lose myself,
And become a person
I like to keep in the closed room
I go to therapy in.
There's children's art
Everywhere,
So I fit in,
I'm the sculpture of a man,
Who never grew out
Of jealousy and revenge.

But in a mystical land,
Where our property is made up
Of wit, and hate, and chaotic tendencies,
My other side
Comes out,
As hungry for payment as the next
Person.

I try to explain to myself,
I don't mind,
I'm enough for myself,
But we are creatures
With a herd dynamic,
And I fall into
The pyramid scheme,
That is
The attention economy.

I have a rain cloud
In my pocket.
It comes with me everywhere.
It carries
The pain of the people I love most.

My best friend
Wants to hurt herself

Again,

My lover's
Emotionally abusive mother
Is yelling things in his direction

Again,

Some boy I barely know,
Is telling me how much
He hates his life,

Again,

I try to let it go,
But it follows me around
And rains on my head,
As if tied to my wrist
Like a balloon.

My sister
Wants me to forgive our father,
And gloss over his damaging tendencies,

Again,

My mother
Wants me to smile,
And tell her she's always right,

Again.

I hold everyone
In my life
In a rain cloud in my pocket.
I like to hide it,
But the lightning
Itches at my nerves,
And the thunder is always
In my ears.

It's been years,
But I'm still me.
I'm still listening to whoever needs me,
And watering my rain cloud.
Taking bits of stratus,
And cumulonimbus,
From above people's heads,
And packing them with my own.

And never owning up to
What's wrong with me
Is I can't take care of you,

Again

There's a pair
Of missing people,
Walking in the rain.

The pavement rough
Beneath their feet,
Scuffing at their shoes.
They walk together,
Through the puddles...
To the rhythm of
Their skipping hearts.

Their joined fingers are laced
With memories,
Happy and sad,
But shared together.
Their shoulders bump
Seeking each other's
Sweet familiar warmth
To guard them,
From the patter
Of the cold water.

There's a pair of Missing people.
You've passed them on
The street.
They eat at your favorite
Coffee shop,
And laugh at old jokes
To the sound
Of sipping lattes.

Their hands know
One another well.
And their smiles
Are always adorned
With thoughts of each other.

There's a pair of Missing people,
He plays with her hair.
There's a pair of Missing people,
As she leans against his chest.

There's a pair
Of missing people,
Who love each other so much.
But they were torn
Away.
There's a pair of Missing people...
Who only came close,
To being born.

Glass shatters,
Chains clatter,
Sparks spray the air from
Steel on steel.
Your eyes tell me
You're ready to run.

The clash of
Iron on iron
Fear my waving fire,
I'll set your rhymes
Ablaze,
But most of all my child
Beware me,
For I am as
The Bandersnatch.

Don your armor,
Lock your doors,
You dare,
March against I, your terror,
Your fear?
I've become a raging fire
In the night,
And you a field of golden hay.

Shy away from my skill
with the blade,
And try to evade my words,
Crafted with a time seasoned hand.
Be afraid, little one,
Of the fury in my iron verses.
But most of all my child
Beware I, the Bandersnatch!

There's a wall,
A rather odd wall,
Towering over the trees.

Made of glass bricks,
Giving you the illusion
It's not actually there,
But you can't really
See through them.

There's a portion
Made up of carnival
Mirrors,
And lined notebook
Paper,
And pens.

There's a paper flower vine,
Every few feet.
And a herd of excuses
Here
         And
                   There.

Some half painted
Canvas',
And song lyrics,
And poem verses
Stretching highest.

And a mile of it
Made of nights I held
A cold wash cloth to my face,
So no one could tell I was crying.
And a few bricks of a
Sense of ongoing.
And some cement blocks
Mixed with loneliness
And longing.
All dribbled over
With coffee, mod podge
and candle wax.

There's a boy,
A rather strange boy,
Trying to dig through
The laughs and jokes,
With nothing
But a couple well place words.

There's a fire,
Started by a lighter
In my hand,
On the inside of the wall.
The laughs and jokes,
Giggle nervously
As they're tossed away,
And evaporated.

But they keep
Breeding,
With the smiles
And sarcasm,
And everything I use
To keep people
Out.

And maybe,
I'm not trying.
Maybe sometimes,
We grow to love
Our mighty walls.
But maybe we all need to
Remember...
They aren't only blocking out
What we're afraid of,
But what we hope for.

Flick of my wrist
And I'll have you at my feet,
If our fight is a conversation
Between our blades,
Mine is shouting
Yours blaring cowardice and fear.

Faint heart never won fair lady,
And fair lady always wins
Over faint hearts.
I'll slip my sword
Between your smart remarks,
And carve myself a plea.

I'll have you begging for mercy
In the flick of a sentence,
Rhymes have never locked me in,
But my rhythm will rattle your bars,
And knock your knees.

If you're looking to battle me,
I may as well weave you a rope
Of my poetry
To hang yourself on,
Because this is a fight I've already won.
Now excuse me,
I'm going to enjoy my lovely mug of tea.

Strings run from my mouth,
Held by my toes,
I have a hollow feeling in my stomach
Listen to the echo.

My body is carved from wood,
And my insides are hollowed out,
Pull my strings
And listen to me talk
Talk
Talk
About what matters to me,
It falls empty on ears
That don't want me.

You had a blank look
On your eye lids this time.
You've always kept your eyes closed,
But there used to be a painting
Above your eyelashes,
Of whatever you wanted to see,
So introquet
In colorful make up
To make up for what you muddled up
In your brain,
Older sister.

You've never been pleased with me.
I'm not tuned to the sound of your stories
About our family,
We're not broken
In the way that is most convenient for you.

I feel like you've latched on to my strings
That you're pulling on them
As hard as you can
Trying to tear me apart
Because you'd rather see me fall
Than have me be
Someone who isn't what you want.
And yes
My strings
You won't let go of
Are tugging at my brain,
They're attached somewhere
Where I hold fear,
But they won't break.

You can talk all you want
You can lie all you want
But all you'll get from me
Is an echo
From the empty feeling in my stomach,
Because as far as you are concerned
I'm nothing but an instrument
In an orchestra
Who won't obey the conductor
Our father.
So what is my music worth,
If you won't listen?

People are like shampoo brands.

They have flashy labels,
And colorful packaging,
They list their qualities upfront,
And what they're really made of
Where they hope
No one
Will see.

Shampoo says it goes best
With its matching conditioner,
And we all like to think
Someone else will make us better,
Make us sexier.
Hair products give instructions,
And we're all conditioned
To believe them.

I've never payed attention
To ingredients,
Only read the positive label,
But now I'm finding out what people
Are really made of,
And I'm now looking
For something more natural.

But what about me?
When you leave out the dye
And the bubbles
What am I made of?
I feel like an unknown trade secret,
And you don't even
Want
To know what they put in those.

I've found myself
Comparing brands lately
And I feel like my own falls short.
I feel like a cheap knock off
Masked as main brand...

But am I really fooling anyone?

You words
Curved into a jar tonight.
Your "I love you" is empty,
Your love is hollow
As a jar
Tonight.

I'm watching your features fade
From our children's faces.
The pieces of you
Are flitting out
Of their personalities.

I can see our daughter's face,
My mother's curly hair
Framing it,
And your eyes blinking at me
From underneath it.
Her fingers are fast
On frets and strings
Like her father.
And she jumbles up the digits
On her math pages
Like her mother.
I can feel us hold her for the first time,
I can see you kissing her forehead.

The hardest part will be letting this go.

I can see our firstborn son,
Running up to me
For a kiss after he scraped his knee,
With Starwars temporary tattoos
Climbing up his arms.
I can picture the freckles
Sprayed across a nose like mine,
And a brave smile
From thin lips like yours.
I can see you running his dumptrucks
All over the house together.

I'm not just losing you.

I can picture our second daughter,
With fine hair from you,
Colored ginger from me.
I can see her muddy footprints
Tracked through our kitchen,
From staying out in the rain,
Just like her parents loved to.
I can see her toddling
Through our home,
My eyes staring up at me
Filled to the brim with tears
When she falls,
Your nose all red,
And my mouth
In a pout.

I'm losing them too.

I can imagine our youngest son,
Snuggled up on your lap,
With his daddy's scowl
From drowsiness.
Then my smile, and your laugh
As you blow on his belly.
I can hear him crying
In the wee early hours of the morning,
I can picture you holding me,
As I hold him,
Rocking him back to sleep.

I can see our children
Gathered around the dinner table,
And I know,
The hardest part will be giving up
This dream
I built with you,
This future we'll never have.
I'm watching them
Fade away.

I don't want to be alone with my thoughts.
I don't want to turn off the light,
And bounce around in my head
With the idea of a future
That you're not in.
But it's there.

I used to see a string,
Long and fleshy,
Reaching through highways
Connecting us together.
But I'm feeling it being sawed
Away
By me.
Though I wonder
If you severed it long ago.

There's cold sweat dripping
Down my forehead,
Down my neck,
Down my back,
I wish it could wash away
Your kisses,
And the craving
For your fingertips.

There's a dull sleepiness
Pounding on my head,
If I'm fatigued enough,
My thinking will get fuzzy,
So you can't let yourself in
Or out.
So I can have you
Without the hurt of you.

I don't want to be alone with my thoughts.

Images of your head on my pillow
Smiling up at me,
While the morning light
Bathed your face,
And you smiled,
What I could've sworn was the most
Real
Smile I'd ever seen,
Are scratching at my eyes.

Lies are toxic.
You can't love someone,
And lie almost as often
As you draw breath,
But I wish you could.
I wish you could,
Because that would mean
You really do love me.

My thoughts are mean right now.
They want to tear at you,
The same way you tore at me.
While wanting to fall asleep with you,
And making it harder to say goodbye.

Don't leave me alone with my thoughts.

Say you love me,
Lie to me for one more night,
And say you love me.

I'm having tea with Life,
And his band of Disappointments.
They dine at my expense,
And they're a hungry bunch of guests.

Tea turned into Supper,
Where the Disappointments drank
My finest wine,
And Life wiped his cruel mouth
On my tablecloth.

You can't have supper without dessert,
So they ate up more of my
Food for thought.
And if you stay for dessert,
You may as well spend the night.
So they did
And burgled my pantry of hopes
For a midnight snack.

One night was lovely,
So Life cackled, "Why not stay two?"
And two turned to a week,
And a week turned into
My sickeningly merry guests
Moving into my dreams,
And inviting in Doubt,
To live with them too,
And of course
Pay no rent.

So I watch my chaotic household
Of a skull,
Where Life has made himself at home
And brought all of his friends.
I stare dully at my ruined
Dining room of thought,
Which they have dominated.
And look wearily for a spare idea
In my raided cupboards.

I've never been one
To evict friends,
So I suppose they're here to stay.
But learn a lesson from me,
And don't ever
Have Life over for tea.

Does she see her face
In his glasses,
And does he see her as his reflection?

Eventually you stop looking at each other
And start looking at this third person
In your relationship named "Marriage".
They're an unconfident,
Sensitive being,
And they demand a lot of attention.

If he reached his hands out,
Would he reach her?
Or would he be reaching for Marriage?

"I'm trying to fix our marriage."
"I want to fight for our marriage."
"We need to work hard for our marriage."
Like Marriage is some sort of pet
In your dysfunctional relationship.

Marriage is a verb,
Not a noun.
I want to see you all push aside this invisible
Idea,
This pet,
This person,
This thing you put before
Your best friend for life.

Fight for him.
Fight for her.
Don't fight for an illusion,
Live out your vows,
And your actions.
Don't just scream them at each other.

At the end of the day,
Who are you spending time with?
Him?
Her?
or Marriage?

It's nights like this
That I remember there's
Tinted glass
Between us.
Our lives
Our worlds
Go through a filter
Before touching each other.

It's nights like this
I rememer that I'm the one
Banging on the glass
And screaming your name,
But either you can't hear me,
Or you
Don't
Want to.

Sometimes you glance up
And I ask myself
'What does that look mean?'
Or I internally shriek
'He actually sees me'

I've spent I don't know how long
At this point,
I've lost track,
Desperately trying
To get your attention.

I want to tell you.

I want to walk miles
And miles
To you,
And yell everything
I've never understood about you
And demand answers.
But that's selfish.

Right now it'd be selfish of me
To voice
What is going wrong,
And that reminds me
How trapped I am.

On the other side
Of tinted glass

I love the storm,
I like the shudder in you chest,
When the thunder pounds it's fist
I love the wind,
Twisted and powerful,
And graceful,
Bending leafy giants to their knees.
I like the rain,
Soft, and gentle,
Stinging,
And forgiving.

I like the way you're strong.
The way you manage to stand,
When you think you can't.
I love the feeling of my heart
Escaping from my chest
Making a leap for yours.
I love the boom
Of your quiet "I love you,"
Ringing in my ears.

I adore the way you dance,
Taking my nervous
Clumsiness into your stride,
A graceful power,
All kept under control,
But the lightning
Reflecting in your
Blue sky eyes.

I like the way you're soft,
And tender.
The way your words mean things,
Make me think
Even if it isn't always easy.
I love the gentle feeling of your warmth,
After the blasting heat of a Hell like
Oven.
The way you feel like home.

I love the storm,
I like the shudder in you chest,
When the thunder pounds it's fist.
I love the wind,
Twisted and powerful,
Bending leafy giants to their knees.
I like the rain,
Soft, and gentle,
Stinging,
And forgiving.

I love you.

It hasn't rained in weeks.
If you pour water on the thirsty earth
The grass flies up around your ears
Dead.

There's something I learned
When I was young.
When someone is using your reaction
Against you,
Stop reacting.
There's nothing more unnerving
To an angry parent
Then a collected
Mundane
Face.

I could argue with the sky
For weeks,
Give it reasons,
Give it threats,
But it won't rain for me.

My darling,
She's built herself a desert
And you can't save her.
She's drained the water from her life,
So she wants yours.
Her feet are burning on her sand path
She's determined to walk,
But you can't pull her out.
A son can't be parent
To his mother.

When she is pushing you
Into a corner,
Spitting in your face,
And waiting for the satisfaction
Of your reaction,
Be the sky my love,
And stare at her
In a field of blue.
Save a little rain
For you.