I wish that I could love myself
The way I love you
Maybe then
I would stop getting disappointed

...And I’ve told you
Time and time again
In a glance or a breath on your neck
In a contact of skin and an accidental smile
it creeps up your cheeks
You’re still looking at me
And I now
Know for certain
We laugh about them and how they laugh about us
I say that it’s crazy
And silly
And yet
Surface tension never breaks
Eye contact feels illegal
Is it love
Is that it
Is it spiritual
A souls connection formed by intimacy
Intimately our vulnerability left us
Out of the group
Standing
Pretending nothing was happening
I cannot say what we’re saying
out loud....

Maybe
At the beginning of the end
Of a slew
Of bad dreams
And night terrors
I will discover
The darkest caverns
Where you learned you could hold her hands to silence her
Where did you learn you could hold her hands to silence her
WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO HOLD HER HANDS TO SILENCE HER
In the middle of a conversation, she was animated, she was young, and she would talk as much with her hands as her mouth
WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO HOLD HER HANDS TO SILENCE HER
WHERE
DID YOU LEARN
WHERE
DID YOU SEE
DID YOU WATCH IT OVER AND OVER
ON A SCREEN OF *******
AND THEN TRY IT OUT FOR YOURSELF

IF YOU HOLD HER HANDS SHE WILL GO QUIET  
AND
WHITE LIKE A SHEET
Was it behind closed doors
Was it upstairs in the crevice of a horror story


IF YOU HOLD HER HANDS YOU WILL SILENCE HER
BUT
WHERE DID YOU LEARN
That
WHERE DID YOU SEE
That
how could you know?
You showed us all
Like you had practiced
In the middle of a conversation
You would grab her wrists
And she would look back
Mouth sewed shut with a rusty needle
Covered in blood
  
That’s why I believed her
I mean god, how could anyone not believe her
When she said
You’d stolen her voice
I saw it
I watched it
Different context
But the action
Haunts me
The truth is
When my sister and her boyfriend broke up,
I was waiting for her to tell me.

I'm trying to stay alive long enough
to get the words out..
the words your broken soul
has been longing to hear..

the shift, that will provide
                             the offset

Not as if, an undoing of the trauma
or an explanation as to why
this whole ****** up world
is as ****** up as it is

but instead

ones that will  show you
that it all has been worthwhile--
That the pain  that you carry
will find a place--

and you will no longer have to  be
so all alone


I am failing, my beautiful..

and I am dying
in all of my inability
to say to you  (and those like you)

what it is I have been built (from day-one)

.
.
.
.
.


to say.

"Stop"
face inches from mine
"Do not do something you will regret"
you back away
"That's what I thought."

All that stupid poetry
Makes sense to me
Tell me everything
Lose your shirt
Like your dignity
Get an answer out of me
**** me with poetry
Inside
Like that pain
Behind your eyes
Tell me why
I don't
Or did
Or do
Mean anything to you
***** me
Over
**** me
Over

Push me
Closer
Tell me why you couldn't love me

But you could **** me

Over,

And over
Again.

Criticize
Fantasize
Tell me
Why

**** around
Don't make a sound
Choke an answer out of me
Lose your mind like your
Virginity

I can tell
You didn't give it to me

**** me with your stupid
Melancholy poetry

Tell me why you didn't love me

Tell me
Why
You do now
You can't have me.

I had a dream

We had a story

But when I woke up

Nothing was written


And that bothers me.