Strong and powerful with his words,
he speaks of the glory that lies above.
He's surrounded by four pretty cool girls,
and he shows them immense love.

He's been through ups and downs,
but he still puts on a smile in front of others.
He's been through so many towns,
some were "home", and others were just filled with pretty colors.

It's impossible to sum up this man,
all you need to know is that he has a lot of brains.
Whatever happens, he always has a plan.
He only cares about his family and his Sunday games.

words cannot describe this woman i know,
but I will try anyways.

this girl has been by my side for 6 years now,
she's seen me at my lowest and at my highest.

i believe God put her in my life to bring me closer to Him,
and to learn how to love more like Jesus, to love Gilmore Girls, to lean into my passions, and so much more.

what more can I say about this woman?
she's truly a gift from God to all who meet her.
she lights up the room as she walks in, she loves God so much, she loves others fiercely, she has so much depth and creativity bottled up inside her, compassion flows through her words, she is one of the smartest people I know and one of the best examples of selflessness I've ever seen.

there is so much more to this girl right here,
but words, a man-made concept, things made up of a few letters here and there, are simply not enough to capture an amazing creation like that of Katrina.

i've tried to escape you,
but you keep coming back.
tormenting me,
playing your little games.

i just want a taste
of real love,
of who you really are.

you hide in the dark,
even in the light.

i don't want this fake love,
i want true, imperfect love.
you can't give me that.

i can see you slipping,
slowly but surely,
you don't ask for help,
don't see how it can be made better,
i try to help,
but really what can i do other than
love and pray for you.

my dear,
it hurts to watch you slowly drown,
rushing through life,
undergoing the pressure.

im scared for what will happen to you,
im scared we will drift apart,
never to be drawn close again,
im scared you'll go too far.

every conversation feels timed,
like every word has to be perfectly chosen.

i don't want to burden you if i need something
or if something is on my mind.
i want to help you the best i can,
but its exhausting for me too to see you keep
struggling and none of my efforts or prayers seeming
to amount to anything.

i know i ought to keep up the hope,
God will provide for you
and teach you something in the process,
its just hard to watch the one i love the most
slipping away and feeling overwhelmed and exhausted.

my life has become one of those dreams,
where you watch yourself ***** up from afar.
everything's perfect, everything's fine.
i speak those lies, for i can't even explain what it is.
all i can say is, i can feel myself slipping away.
i'm leaving myself behind,
goodbye.
to.
myself.

i remember the days when i'd spend hours painting, journalling, just enjoying being alone,
and now...i'm afraid of the thoughts that may enter my head during those spaces.
constant spirals of reminders of all that is or could be broken inside of me.
i'm told of god's grace and love,
and i know these truths,
but to truly believe is completely different.
how do i stop striving to make myself holy?
lovable?
good enough?
why can't it just be a simple switch one can turn on and off?
it's a whole new rewiring of neurons and thought patterns.
where do i even begin to change?
it seems so daunting and overwhelming

the sweetest woman I've ever met,
she brings a smile to all.
she's pretty hard to forget
and she'll never let you fall.

she will wrap you in her comforting
arms and she will hold you.
the years may add up,
but her smile doesn't show them at all.

To my future someone,
sometimes I'm not strong enough to stand up for my own heart.
Protect my heart, don't break it.

Sometimes I need to be alone, just let me be.
I will feel like a bother, tell me I'm not.
I don't need saving, I need a partner in crime.

I will feel unloved, tell me it's not true.
Fight for me when I don't have the strength to fight for myself.
I wont let you go, so don't let me go.
Too many people have left, I need someone to stay.
Thank you, future someone.

You.
I really don't get you.
You walk around like you own this town
and you put on an act to look cool.
I've seen your true self once or twice,
and that image you put up; isn't it.
Why can't you be yourself?
Or is this yourself and I'm being judgmental?

You're just a fake.
You live for the Instagram and recognition,
but act like you don't care.
You're just a fake.
I know there's someone real underneath all of that,
can't you let him breathe?

I'm sick of these teenage boys.
Can't they grow up already?

Why do people have to change?
Why can't it be like the good old days?
When we were kids...
When we were best friends.
Now, now we don't even talk.
I moved, I get it, but...
Why did things have to change?
You look great, you have new friends,
Good for you.
But I wish we were kids again
and we were playing dress-up.
We were funny.
We were close.
We were family.
Now, now you're just an old friend.

You don't know my story,
but soon you will.

I was born as a citizen of the world,
I grew up jumping from one continent to the next.
I've learned to love differences in cultures
and I've learned that we're all the same after all.

I myself am an artist,
I put on canvas what my brain can't put into words.
I put on paper all the secrets that I hold.
I take pictures so I can make a moment last forever.
I obsessively listen to music that stirs my emotions.
I love to dance in solitude to sad songs.
I only see good in people, which can be problematic.
I would do anything for my loved ones.
I give strong hugs because I'm afraid every one will be the last one.
I don't understand my feelings, yet I express them in so many ways.
I believe in God and I've chosen to follow Him for the rest of my life.

That's my story.

God,
Help me believe You're using this brokenness in me for a reason.
Help me see Your good ways and plans for my life.
Father,
You see my pain, it feels too much to bear many days.
It feels like an endless cycle, fighting it feels so hard.
Help me have hope in You.
Help me see myself more the way You see me, Lord.
Creator,
I know You created me with amazing creativity and with good gifts.
Help me to honor that and see that more than the way I currently am seeing myself.

This dark storm has been wreaking havoc within me for so long.  

It starts by twisting my thoughts and feelings upside down,  

Bending the truth so that all that remains are lies.

Then it tightens my chest and my throat

Making it nearly impossible to catch a breath,  

I pant, pant, pant, just for a single breath of air.  

This tornado lands on my ribcage and settles there a while,  

weighing what seems to be a thousand pounds.  

Breathe, breathe, breathe, please!  

Then the destructor settles on my eyes and covers them,  

making it difficult to focus my sight and see clearly,  

The reality around me blurs,  

see, see, see, now...  

Now it decides to zap my body  

so that I shake, shake, shake as if it's 0° outside.  

I curl up into myself and roll back and forth.  

Through all this movement in my body,  

the lies never stopped waging war in my mind.  

Like the sounds of swords being sharpened before battle,  

the terrifying noise sends a shudder to my very bones.  

My body and mind are so weak and tired from this relentless torment.  

At the first signs of battle, I try to fight back with the truths I've been told since my youth,  

but the enemy keeps pulling and pulling at me.  

Little by little, my strength wears down,  

and the only response I can seem to find to the lies is...

Submission.

these same negative thoughts are on an endless loop in my head,
not constant, but nearly,
any hint of sarcasm or negative comments about me begin the whole process of self-destruction and hatred in my head.
when i get out of the loop, i just feel tired and numb,
like i just got done with a fist fight and came away with a few bruises and cuts on my face and fists.
i believe in a God who heals, but its hard to hold on to hope and to see the good in myself when I feel like a constant burden due to these fistfights in my mind.
any positive affirmation feels like a bandaid put on my deep cuts and bruises, somewhat helpful but they can't fix the damage already done.

patient love,
they tell me.

it's the best love,
yet here i am
alone in the dark.

wait for love,
they say.

i just want to
jump blindly
and see what
happens.

i grew up watching the movies and shows
with the sweet, grounded girl
who saves the reckless boy.

the boy tries to run away because
of his past and his fears,
but the girl always helps him come back.

i always thought i'd be the girl,
but with us,
i'm the one who fights feelings
of just wanting to run away,
you're the one who brings me back
and listens to what i'm scared of.

her bones ache as she moves.
her mind won't follow the rules.

she looks so worn,
i've got a lot to learn.

she knows this life so well.
many secrets she could tell.

however, she keeps her lips sealed,
for she knows it will soon be revealed.

maybe it's not time right now,
but that's just for now.

i know the day will come,
i know this is right.

but for now honey,
i'll wait and i'll grow with you.

i'll get to know your heart,
while the distance pulls us apart.

for now,
it's just for now.

someday i'll be with you,
but that's not now.
and that's okay.
because that's just for now.

last night i told you all the spiralling thoughts i had Tuesday night,
all the crying and feelings of weakness and helplessness,
the thoughts of not being good enough, self-harm, and so much more.

you cried and held me tight.
i felt numb, but i felt bad that i made you cry.
that vulnerability and knowing that you really see me makes me uncomfortable.
it makes me wonder how you could possibly love me if you truly see me,
because how i see me, i don't see how that's possible.
but nonetheless, somehow you do,
which i know is a testament of God's love and work through you,
but i don't understand it.

I didn't even notice you in the beginning.
You were just another guy among the crowd.
Now, you're so much more.
I noticed you looking my way at times,
did you notice my glances as well?
We spoke few words until that night.
We talked all evening by the sparkling fire.
Your eyes sky blue looking into mine.
Your smile, the sweetest one I've seen in a while.
There were people all around us,
yet it felt like we were the only ones in the world.
I heard your words but I didn't comprehend all of them.
I was too busy gazing into your eyes and hoping this feeling would never fade.
My brain tells me 'no', because it's not the right time.
But will I ever be ready?
Will it ever be the right time?
My heart screams out 'yes', because I've never felt this way before.
I can talk to you, this is real.
This isn't just a fantasy.
This is something new.
Uncharted territory.
You're so quiet, yet powerful in your words.
You are a protector with a kind heart.
I love watching you do what you love,
even if we have different passions.
I feel like I know you so well,
even if it's only been two weeks.
You're something new.
Do I follow my heart?
Or listen to my brain?

I wish I could look in the mirror everyday
and think I looked beautiful.
I wish I could walk into a room full of strangers
with my head held high and my story to tell.
I wish I was really talented at something like everyone else.
I wish I knew what I was doing with my life.
I wish I was skinny to the bone so I could go to the beach
with pride and look like all my friends.
I wish I didn't have to say "goodbye" so often
that my chest aches in a familiar way.
I wish I thought better of myself.

at first glance,
they were strangers.
but they knew they'd be much
more than that to one another.

time flew as
the sparks grew,
nothing could
hold them apart.

their love was invincible,
until the day it wasn't.
their trust in one another
died with all the lies.

now their story is
just a distant memory.
their broken hearts mended
and learned to love others
the way they should have
loved each other.

sometimes i wonder if he loves me more than i love him,
if he loves me more than he ought for who i am,
and yet in other moments i think he doesn't enough,
that he doesn't truly care at all.

i thought these doubting and overthinking thoughts would be gone by now, over a year into our relationship and engaged,
yet, my brain persists to doubt.

warm colors all around that capture your eye.
soft sweaters and cozy hats everywhere you turn.
this season of change reminds us that we all die.
so we must take this life and try our hardest to learn.

Sunshine.
That beam of light,
that shines so bright.
It warms my skin,
I try to soak it in.
I know winter will come,
and this feeling will be gone.
This feeling of complete peace,
as I feel my joy increase.
What a beautiful streak of light.

fear
panic
danger
get out.

heart racing,
can't catch my breath,
hand rubbing against my thigh repeatedly,
pulling my knees up to my chest and holding my body so tight, it hurts,
i can't think logically, only fear and loss of control ensues.
my own thoughts tear me apart and scare me.

the only real danger is in my thoughts,
so how do i get out?

when he gets frustrated and looks at me like that
rolls his eyes,
pushes me away,
i get scared he'll be like my dad.

i watched my mom pour out her heart and soul for years
just to love my dad

i dont want that

When you left,
I didn't think it would hurt this much.
I never said goodbye,
which hurts me the most.
I had so much to say,
but I never got the chance.

I had this feeling in my gut,
I missed you so much.
I missed our conversations.
I missed our hugs.
I missed your laugh.
I missed your teasing me.
I missed you.
But it was more than that.
I had this feeling that you were meant to be mine.
Is that even possible?
Is "meant to be" even achievable?

My heart aches for you,
but as an amazing friend?
or more?

It's not you, it's me.
Not true.
It's all you and all me.
I need to give you up for my sanity.
You make me go insane with your little games.
Why do I keep playing?
I believe in second chances,
but this is your millionth chance.
I've tried all too many times to let you in,
but you reject me and act like nothing happened.
I'm letting you go,
out of self respect.
I have that now, and I'm not letting it go.
Adios.
See you never.
Your welcome, self.

sometimes it's all a bit too much
this world spins so fast
i can't keep up with the rush
they say it'll all be a blast

but all i feel is the weight on my chest
maybe this life is all but a big test
see who can survive all the trials
even if there are no more smiles.

im constantly caught up in the past,
in the what-ifs,
in the what-could-have-beens.

the future scares me,
so i retreat to nostalgia.
my favorite friend.

she makes my heart so sad,
yet so full of joy.