So we finally have reached the end.
Finally, you have pushed me too far
Finally, I am right on the edge.
I'm feeling too uncomfortable now to not jump
It took longer than I had hoped.
I reeled you in, again & again thinking maybe this time,
he will go through with what he says,
darling... you never did.
Only created a bigger mess out of what already was piling over & in the process you butchered me. You butchered how I felt,
the kind softness I had for you,
you finally turned me to stone.
So how do you like me now?
When I am eager to go,
how does it feel to be "given up" on?
Can you imagine how I have felt?
Theres no such thing as letting go when the person pushes you away.
When the person brings others into the equation.
They already weren't giving enough to just you & now
you saying I gotta share?
You had the nerve... to not even ask... but force me to share?
You only want me when you need me, you weak fuck.
You use people when you down and you dont even take the advice given.
You a goofy mf.
The type to neglect the only one holding you down &
look into other girls eyes saying you love them.
Well, go on and love them then.
Go on ahead and miss them
Go kiss them, rub them, lust after them
like you lusted after me, only,
dont call it love this time.
Don't leave them mistaken too.
It ain't right, making someone feel like this,
it ain't right and thats all I can say.
Can't talk to you no more because I left for good this time.
and it hurts but I've just got to keep writing and depending on the Lord
because those are the only consistent things in my life these days.
Im trying not to think of you
but I keep finding myself staring into space and at blank walls wondering where things all went wrong between us.
Wondering why now just wasn't meant for us.
Wondering why I tried so hard to make it meant for us,
wondering why you watched me try so hard and didn't have the guts to say my struggle was pointless.
I would have moved mountains for you, love... had I never found your dark intentions.
It could have been us against the world.
but it wasn't meant for us.
I keep feeling like I smell you,
but it wasn't meant for us.
Im wondering if the other girls liked your lips as much as I did
I want to rip them off your face for letting them all get a taste of what I thought was mine.
So how could you do me like that...
Why was I not enough?
I know timing was off,
but you didn't have to go and do that.
I know timing was off but we talked about making a family
you told me you'd rub my back every night, no question
That we'd go on morning walks
and talk for hours
Love, that was everything I wanted to hear,
Because it sounded so right with you.
Only, we dont have the future. It is not outs to control. All we have is now.
You ask me is there still a chance we can be together when timing is right?
I tell you I don't think Ill be able to trust you again,
but if its real then it comes back.
You said that wasn't the answer you wanted
I said what did you expect.
I didn't tell you though,
how weak I felt.
How badly I wanted to tell you "yes. Ill wait. Please, get it together and I'll wait."
You've turned me pathetic. I still have the armor on
but beneath it everything has gone soft.
You sensed it in the beginning.
My weak spot for you,
and boy you used it again and again until I finally told you to stop.
& I feel better now,
but I can't help wondering what if.
Will we really just become a "what if?"
Something that never happened,
something too good to be true?
I want to believe God will send you back to me
but we're at such a transitioning stage in our lives
who knows what could happen.
Maybe you'll go back to her after all
maybe you'll find another who looks like me
Maybe we will bump into eachother
While I have my kids and you have yours
and suddenly, we'll remember.
How we talked of living like it would be the easiest thing in the world. Like we could create anything, we always seemed to be in a dream land.
I can't help remembering the beautiful parts of you.
I wish I could because it'd make things a whole lot easier.
Its hard because I want to cry
but for some reason you're the one I want to cry on.
Like I want to just lay with you and put my face in your neck and let you hear what you have brought me to,
as if it would matter.
but you gone now,
ain't no more feeling your skin, now.
ain't no more soft feelings for you, now.
Only in my thoughts do I still bend to you,
If I ever saw you I guarantee I'd be frozen solid.
Because sadness lingers,
but that anger burns.
and I ain't ever been so angry at someone.
I ain't ever felt so disrespected, felt like I was nothing.
Like a piece of gum stuck to the bottom of your shoe
you stepped on me again and again.
till I was so worn I fell off.
Here I stand, and though I feel limp I know I am about to be at my strongest.
Because theres no way but up once you've been thrown rock bottom.
Without you, I can get back to loving again. I can emerge from this rut I made a home out of for you.
I will love myself again,
since you could not.
I did it before and the Lord will show me I can do it again.
"So this is goodbye..." you said...
& I finally just said "goodbye."
and I think now I'll wait on someone new.
a breath of fresh air who will love me for me and only me.
Better yet, I will find someone who lives in the present.
No more being dragged backwards, thats no way to live.
I'll find someone who loves me the ways you never could.
& sure, he will smell different.
His hands will not be your hands.
His lips will not be your lips.
He will not make me feel the exact ways you made me feel
but his words will be different too, love.
They will be honest and I will breathe heavy, long, thankful sighs of relief.
The words will be honest.
Most of my life is a forgotten cliffside. There's nothing you can really do about it, it's just the consequence you pay for being alive.
I don't remember a lot of my childhood. I can remember my schools, my friends, my parents, my teachers. But I don't remember my sisters. Only my brother, the little boy carrying the family name on his shoulder blades... But he is not ready for that.
As for my sisters... I do not officially "know them" until they begin to leave. I was 11 when they started leaving my house, and 13 when they started re-entering my life.
There is no excuse for arriving late to my life crisis. But what crisis is there anyway?
I grew up alone.
Sisters too old, brother too young, parents too protective.
Too eager to run through the halls of my early life, and high school is not what I expected the years to be. But I am still here... alive.
And there will always be that to hold on to when the sky falls from the stars that pin up the rest of the universe.
Or the the clouds fall from the blue sky just before that cliffside collapses into the abyss.
This is the artistry that is my life on a power surge. Feeling the shock of the first kiss, and the break of the last word.
The many voices, and single sayings. The before and after. The push and then the fall.
The feeling of all my memories being shot.
But not killed.
This is the joy of living off of the electric tower... or the Eiffel tower.
This is life made wild, love made public, friends made family, me made whole again.
Me surviving the cliffside fall for the 378th time this week.
Safety nets were never written in the fine print of this circus act.
But this feeling can kill as much as it can save. It is, and always will be a cosmic shot across the front of my skull...
Opening my mind into eternity. Until I decide to go back to that cliffside...
My friend came by the other day
As a leaf in the wind he has blown
From street to street
Town to town
A wanderer he may be, but not at heart‑‑
He longs to be attached to a tree
In spring and summer the leaves are green
Summer slowly dries them out as the tree
Prepares for winter
My friend, the dry brown leaf
Blows in his perpetual autumn
We all grow in our own time and season:
Fall preparing for the
Inevitable season of death
These seasons of the soul
Are the very essence of our existence
They teach us
But there are those who do not see
The purpose of the seasons
To them winter means only
Spring means only
Beauty to mock
The heart in winter
I trust in the wisdom of the seasons
Nature teaches us lessons in her cycles
Let the leaf fall to the ground
Let it rot into cold
Spring will come
Bleak gray will become bright colours
The beauty will fade once again but will
Reappear in winter's own stark beauty
Though it may be cold and gray
Then spring will come
Spring will come.
--Daniel Irwin Tucker
The truth about being a superhero, is that only certain people know when to call us at exactly the right time. When the world is about to break into chaos and when the cities need us to be there.
But this isn’t exactly the job I thought it was going to be. I have devoted myself to being the best I can be for the people of my city, for freedom and justice, and for you. And for the first few months of my job, I was everywhere.
People knew my name, I was in every newspaper, children looked up to me, put me on their lunchboxes, they wanted to be me…
They say heroes aren’t born, they’re made. But I was born! Of the kindness of my mother, and the bravery of my father to create this image of strength. I am a superhero! I can fly, can you fly? Can you wear this suit? Can you handle the responsibility?
Not all of my city wanted a superhero. Some of them became the villains. And it’s not like I can’t handle a few bad guys, but sometimes, the citizens are my kryptonite.
Sometimes they don’t want me, one day they praise me and the work that I’ve done, the next day, they say they don’t need another hero, I’m just another problem, they say “Leave us the way that you found us: broken. And not needing anybody around to fix it.”
But I’m not perfect either. I can fly, but gravity still brings me back to earth, I can run, but not from my problems, I can carry cars with my two hands. But the weight of the world still sits on my shoulders.
The day they told me to leave the city, I reminded myself that if I harmed any one person, broke my promise to be the sole keeper of freedom and justice for all. That I would hang up my cape and quit.
And I did. I became human again, I am not as strong as you made me out to be. You told me I wasn’t needed. And soon after the villains had returned and they were shouting for me to save them again.
I thought you didn’t want me, stop it, I’m no hero, I’m just a person. Please, my powers only do so much. Do you still need me to save you? I’m just an alien, a science experiment, a mutant, a drawing in a comic book.
I am not your superhero! I can’t do this anymore! It was you who pushed me away, you fear my powers, you fear me. But I didn’t do anything wrong.
Please… Just let me go. You are the heroes now. Just let me go.
I've gotta get you out my heart in time for spring
I Know I said that I've moved on but I've just been faking to make it honestly
Its a mess in here, shattered pieces everywhere that needs to get cleaned
Unwanted memories cover these walls of you and me
Causing more bad than good feelings from what used to be
I've been lying and taking my sweet time with reodering everything...
So many memories that need to go, to keep a healthy soul but it's so hard when the heart just won't let go, I think I'm turning cold...
It's not that I want to because I want to be ready for when love comes around again
It's just that I thought you and I would always remain the best of friends
It's such a strange thing, these feelings of you I've been hoarding, leaving no room for something new
and spring is right around the corner so I've got to rid myself of you
It's not something I want to do but it something I have to
Though I've already lost you I don't want to lose my mind too
I've gotta get you out my heart in time for spring...
Caterpillar- "you're too beautiful for me, fly away and find someone as beautiful as you"
Butterfly- "I will not leave you, you are beautiful too"
Caterpillar- "But you can be with someone that has wings like you, I don't want to hold you back from flying places."
Butterfly-"You can fly too! You're a butterfly like me"
Caterpillar- "I'm not. I'm a caterpillar"
Butterfly - "It doesn't have to be that way"
Caterpillar- "it does. I don't have time to transform."
Butterfly- "I thought you loved me...if you did you'd do anything to be with me."
Caterpillar- "I'm doing this because I love you. You deserve someone that will help you reach the sky."
Butterfly- "we can reach the sky together"
Caterpillar- "if you love me then you'll fly away. Please. I'll be hurt to see that I'm the one holding you to the ground."
So the butterfly flew away because she loved him...
Like a thick mist that just won't pass I'm getting caught up in the haze.
Heart on its knees fighting to beat, still confused and questioning things in my brain.
I still have puzzle pieces but not enough remnants to make sense of anything.
Love lingers still, while I wake up every day out of a dream that I thought I was wide awake in.
So in the words of Sade,
I've got to wash you off my skin.
My fondest memories of you
Shall be spun into the finest threads,
Painstakingly woven into a blanket,
And worn on the coldest of nights,
As I sit under the stars in solitude,
Watching the Leonids burn their existence ,
Across an unforgiving, lonely, and cold black sky.