I tried to galvanise.
I've got your smile carved in my eyes
But it's all I can do
Not to forget you
'Cause I'm dying from the outside in
I'm dying from the outside in

I onced tried to forget
But found myself faced with regret
And it's all I can do
When your image sticks to me like clue
And I'm dying from the outside in
I'm dying from the outside in

I've lost my balance
It seems to be chronic
My mind is not made up about you
I'm hungry give me Gin & Tonic

It's fun to play pretend
But this has got to end
I'm trying to replace you
But I've got this mental issue

I guess we'll just stay friends
Until this unnamed feeling ends
You'll be oblivious
That I long for one more kiss
  
And I'm dying from the outside in
I'm dying from the outside in

a teenage crush; adoration, lust.. love.

once started out beautiful, destined to fail.

to the girl i once loved;
thank you for everything you had done

for everything you had shown me;

but i had to move on, for this love was not for us, it wasnt meant to be
those beautiful moments i will forever cherish; im learning to let go the anguish.

thankyou for adoring me, as i adored you,

she onced too many times
and left

he took it pretty hard
and died

the kids were not alright
and learned

Its like I sit and watch the world go by cruisng to oldies,
feeling new inside, but outside is a face of a man who will attack if you dont know me.
gut instinct is below me homie, piece of mind,
dont change your words if you cant cash the truth but besides that...
See im not perfect I lost ties and made knots that made me fall from my own tension with no intentions to stand even if I can, I cant, im grounded by my mistakes that relvolve around me, reminding me what I did made me what I am.
AS I stay subsiding in a position thats clearily hiding,
binding my chest compressed against my last breath , to save what little life I have left in a world where title nor status mean nothing when your an ******* to those you called your best interest I do confess im that lowlife as i cruise still music speak to my esscense releiving me for those seconds im just a person again but after that im back at it again

..I dont write for pitty so let that be known, im just here to vent this steam that once stood ablazed passion for a love that is now a shack of memories in my head of your smile and gestures a feeling I onced called home now ruins from what i ruined, foolish I am.
Clueless more than anything to let many so many slip away im the worst fisherman of love.
because I use my soul as bait, and little by little i let the big ones escape an take chunks of me away to a place I can never retrieve it, so believe it im that space
im that vessle ive became the shell of a hermit , hollow and skirmish.
Tarnished, and used,
debri left as rubble to make roads,
but none to pave my own cause I have no resources
cause im that alone....****,
maybe I can just leave it for those who wish me back if I do something foolish like giveback the life Ive live, for a plaque and a name and a date?
or should I just lookback and keep cruisin passed the bruissin and showin scars of my mistakes as a human,
all I know is....nothing,
and thats why I stay cruissin, freedom of the road and music,
away from the world and my ruins.



-Deep Though aka
Linguist Musician
aka Emmanuel Hernandez

I swear she onced laughed
I swear she was never last
Love inside of a flask that I couldn't open
We didn't mean it
I hope God means us
I hope a higher power even exist
Where do I go when things don't really last forever?
Making myself by self destruction
Letting go, letting go
I'll feel peace when I get rid of the memories
I'll feel peace when I know it's okay for things to not have meaning
I don't feel the way I write sometimes
Music changes feelings
Feelings change the vibe
The vibe sets the tone
The tone sets the love
The love makes you see your own written future
What is destiny?
I couldn't stand being associated with what I was with a few months ago
I hope your vision is changing
For the better
Talking to the wind like writing these unsent love letters

The cigarette burns aren't fading
only become less painful and more scabbed over.
When I first saw her, I was happy, please understand.
I saw her entering the cafe from my position opposite the door.
Brett Shady was playing the center of the room but my attention was not on him, not entirely.
She and her boyfriend took the only standing room still available in the far corner.
I'm not sure if she saw me but I think she did.
I think she kissed her boyfriend after she first saw me, which is fine.
I would have done the same, had our rolls been reversed.
After a few more songs I could no longer bear it. I stepped
outside.
I walked two blocks up the rode from the cafe to Bonanza Market.
I bought a pack of cigarettes and walked even further up the hill.
There, I found my favorite spot, one which I had found with a dear friend.
There is a swing hanging under a big tree, surrounded by flowers.
I must have went through half the pack before deciding to move on.
I figured I'd catch the rest of the show from the door.
Walking back however, something caught my eye.
A play was just beginning at the Nevada Theatre and I heard it was semi decent.
I snuck in through the side as I had done many times before and took my seat.
On stage, performing a small girl was another girl who I had kissed.
Who I loved.
When I first saw her I think she saw me too.
I looked down feeling a tear in my eye.
When I looked up I was sure.
She was looking at me with a sort of pleasant smile on my face.
As if she'd known what I was feeling.
The regret, the sadness, the longing.
All these things came rushing up inside me so quickly that I had to leave.
I again went to my favorite spot and finished the pack, saving a few cigarettes for that night.
Oh God, how I would need them.
I walked back to maybe see the end of Brett Shady's set. The show was over however.
Walking out was a friend of mine who I had not spoken to in a while. I waved her down and we began talking. About what I remember not. But it took my mind off things.

A while after a girl I had onced kissed and had once kissed me walked out of the cafe with her boyfriend.
She smiled at the friend I was with, not sparing me a glance.
My friend turned to me
"How could you let her go, Nolan? Why would you let her go?''
I turned my back to her and began walking.
Two or maybe three ours later I arrived home, all my tears shed.
I didn't sleep that night.
The face of the girl and her boyfriend came flooding into my dreams as the tears had off my face.
The face of the ******* stage came flooding into my mind as the nicotine had done my blood.
Regret was sharing my bed that night.
Whispering in my ear accusingly "How could you have let her go?"
Pain was in my room that night.
Roughly fondling my heart as if it were a stone.
Sadness was kissing my mouth that night.
Only allowing whimpers to come out.

I have a little black book
Inside are names
Names of those I know
Some I love
Some I onced loved
Some I came to despise
Every time I open the book
It makes me sad
Most of these names
I haven't spoken to in years
Some I barely remember
Sometimes I add new names
Not as often as I used to
And every time I do
A light shines inside
Before being extinguished
Once again
As I close my little black book
A little black book full of me

this is the town you where raised
and this very town, would also be the reason why you left
a town
where you onced recieved compliments
pretty
fancy
prime
proper
this town
is the very town, that destroyed you
because
you
are a woman
and treated as
a decor on a man's house
a possession
an object
a collectors item
when you revolted
and all you hear are such words
*****
filthy
ugly
used to be
*woman

This girl is flesh and blood
Not a doll to be put on crowd.
Hard to remember the time her heart was whole.
Trying to pick up those leftover pieces in her soul
Now she treat love just like a bad taste.
Handling it with care was just a waste.
She onced open her heart and let you in
That was her big mistake, her worst sin.
Her heart grows with doubtful thoughts dear,
Tense while beating, it is full of fear.
Numbed to her dreams of bliss.
Sliding further into abyss.
Going through burning pages
Elevating and devouring new phases.
But her heart just like a stone
Can't feel anything, can't even hear a tone.
Is it her fault to feel this way
When she just give all the love she may
A love transcendent, and truly rare
Now her kindred spirit can't even share.
If only she could, she would break the mystery
Erase the demented history.

Everything is a ******* lie
She never love me
I was only used as her puppet
Her words make the strong willed melt
A voice that onced calmed the storm now is the fury
That time is gone and now wasted
All I was to her was nothng
My words pointless
My actions useless
Everytime I let someone close
I get my heart ripped from my chest
At the end I'm the *******
Why me?
Why must people manipulate me?
As I cry
No one is there for me
Nowhere to go
No one to relate to
My tears scar me
Scars that can't be seen
They span the fabric of time itself
All I want is to end it all
No one will listen to me
All my tears gone into this world will remain unseen
As I drag my knife across my soft flesh
The blood pouring out
The pain drownig out the world
All I want to due is cut the pain away
My trust abused
My heart in complete disrepair
Nothing can fix it
Why must i act strong
I am weak
I just want to die
I WANT DEATH!!!
I WANT ISOLATION!!!
I want to abandon everyone
No one needs me
No one wants my love
No one even wants my friendship
No more
I've always been there
No more lies
Nothing will change my mind
Nothing will
Nothing but death

Silents beats.
In rythem of slow dazed clock
Ticking back and forth.
As time frezzes
Every thing motion less
Nothing moving
Except tears with crystal blured reflection
In the gloomed dim sky
The cloock sticks the empty room that
Onced filled with light and life
Now laid the soul of silence to this room
And never had one
Voice
Ever to this room again
Not in
Every in life time
That rebon each year

Hey Mister Photographer,
shoot a picture of me
& use your special effects
to make me look
much younger.
Darken my hair just a bit.

O Mister Photographer,
then please photoshop
my sweet companion,
who onced loved me,
in her prettiest dress,
standing right next to me.
Place some lovely flowers
in her gorgeous hair,
wrap my arm around her.

Please Mister Photographer,
can you colorize some
rolling hills below
& place the bluest skies
above us.

O Yes Mister Photographer,
I think you've got it right.
That's the way I want it,
the way I want
people
to remember us.

You and I are like minnesota weather.
Well at least I am,
I'm the storm, that comes around 2 o'clock or so,
Screaming in agony,
Making things fall,
Pounding on the walls,
Because something I onced loved is now gone.
But you are the sun,
That shows up around 4 o'clock or so,
Warming the ground,
Drying my tears
Calming me.
But as soon as you leave
The feelings overwhelm me,
And with no sun to warm my heart
We're back to square one
Restart.

Sometimes your Sun doesn't even work,
And I still rain, even in your presence,
And I'm Lost
Lost in feeling, lost in the thunder and the lightning,
While you struggle to save me, I just run.
I believe I'm insane darling,
But you just happen to hold my sanity in the palm of your hand.

Surrounding backgrounds, backdrops that empty glass eye
Ringing in your head; no means to pretend pretence
—always a means to an end. Like a long goodbye to an
old friend still one who owes you tens

A decade of friendship in these confused lines —you onced
slept with one of the guys. Not around, but a lot of times with
the same person, to say at least you've gone a few rounds
The only one to make you come out of a shell; fuelling up
the tank of a monthly desire. But you couldn't tell your friends; despite feeling sensations good as Heaven on earth— their preying
eye opinions would give you a lot of hell.

Still last night was one hell of a night, as he held you so
tight, a knight guarding you from those nightmares
As he tasted your lips, and tears while seeing all those
dark scars under your white night dress

Said, "you're too dark to be found by love," your usual
yellowbone cousins liked to make such comments.
You felt too ashamed to go play with the other kids on the
sunny beach. And it stained your heart; once trying yourself
to bleach

You just forgot your feet; a foot in your mouth kicking back
your words. Unlike the other girls, he liked you more
for trying to stick to your morals. Floral, a scented glow-
a light smell of tragic beauty caught under his nose
Some nights hoping you'd be court, but in your family regards,
you're breaking tradition's law.

Lore beliefs, feeling seven days kind of weak, and it felt
so stranger that you fell in love with him in a week
It took a trip on this crazy life journey, for you to be riding
this long love trip. But he was only meant to be a friend
still it benefited you knowing he had seen you as more than
that from back then

But those still living behind, say you and him don't mix
into a good kind. As to mean the dark can't kiss a light,
such mean judgments, regardless of it being a modern relationship.
It's an old mindset, and I know he won't mind keeping it in secret
But it will all stay stuck in your mind, along with him

Oh my friend,
how'd I ever give the best advice to your situation
But only say and imagination that Adam and Eve
we're black and white. So wouldn't we have been
interracial from our creation?

I know we just met but I'ma get this off my chest
These thoughts have me feeling confused so im not to sure what to do
Why I spend my time showing you how I feel making the things seen in the movies seem real
These moments of uncertainty I'm not sure anymore if they're meant to be
When we're missing emotionally the ability to accept that things might actually be good for the first time in history
When so many times they ended the worst way never knowing that wasn't ok
Why sitting next to you is often hard and I'm fearing this will be once again the start of the everything that caused this already broken heart
But I want you to know it's worth fighting these feelings when you smile back at me
Because its been a while since I've had a friend that I couldn't wait to see
It's something I've been needing the reason for these words your reading now I'm no longer left alone day dreaming
And honestly I think the reason this all came so easy is because your just as ****** up as me
Hit by it all mentally
And another manic addict addicted to the skeletons in the attic
Living with no way back from the habit that's the lab kit behind this tragic movie script to a life that's not yet sick
Something I still can't kick
And it's amazing seeing you loving something most see as nothing
While caring about the missing times when people onced shared
One more thing in this life that's often not fair
So despite all you've been facing these traits of yours are worth tasting
Now leave behind the questions that whisper of doubt because it's that happy ending we're both about
Love the piece of you you deceive from yourself and let that pain melt showing it's hidden wealth
Then steady that beat from your heart you keep
When it's locked away in that body of the beautifully tragic looking strong but weak
Longing to be painted with poetry with all that it be
And I hear the words you keep quietly pleading to be clean covered in the chaos of a ***** means
Stitching lies around disguising cries
I wonder how often you ask God your whys
Specially when your hating that self your unsure about leaving it sitting on the shelf that wants to ask for help
But that's alright since it's your every fault that I like wrong or right
I just wish you'd calm down an enjoy the simple moments that slip by
All the ones that should never get a goodbye
So maybe you can relax on the chase that's got you constantly strung high because it hurts seeing the world fall behind your sighs
And truthfully those are all the reasons why

I am...

the kind of abandoned house
people leave in ruins.
I am a wreckage;
I am destruction

the end of the **** of a cigarette
people step on the moment they're done with.
I am the poison they inhaled;
I am discarded

the type of crack on pavements
people walk around to avoid tripping over.
I am a trap;
I am dangerous

the kind of toy broken beyond use,
parents throw away into the bin
I am trash;
I am worthless

but the house was once filled with laughter and joy
the cigarette was once lit
the pavements were once whole
the toy was once valuable

i was onced LOVED
i was WORTHY
I once LIVED

Was.
Past tense.
No longer.

I was sitting by a waterfall
with Perry today

Here amongst the Slow Divers

We smoked the usual obligotary marley
Then we pondered upon what had happened

Someone stole Perrys soul you see

His child of hope and recognition
for the unrecognized
was now gone

A few flowers
were aloud to bloom
but they too
were eventualy
plucked and stolen
by the corporate monster

We must make everything shiny so it can be sold

This pioneer
A shadow of his former
glowing brilliance
also was weeded by the dollar

He onced wished he was ocean size
But sharks now swim in those waters

So we "smoke the roach"
and we go on down that slide man
We go on down

into the ocean

Of shiny lollapolooza

Always belived and so easily said
the word rolls of the tounge of those who use it
and abuse it
used for many reasons
misused in multiple situations
the words meanings change in the seasons
yes, it is love.

Love which lifts us all up from the darkness we onced lived in
but not the kind that family can give you
the one only a person with the right intentions
wants to smother you with kisses
hold you while you cry
without them being the reason why
the one who makes you laugh with a silly joke
or with a poke
and thinks your the perfect you.

Love that fills you with hope
the kind that helps you cope
that person that cares for your safety
and doesnt want to take it to far until your ready
the one who replaces the hate from your brain
and the black from your soul
the one who accepts you for everything you are
as a complete whole.

Love that doesnt hurt you
and gives you patience for time
the person who will wait for you
and stays truthful,
wont lie.

Love knows no color or shape
*** or race
it is what's within  
our rights to love whom we want
who our hearts desire.

Love.
Love is a person.
A person who you want to find
the one you want to share a life with
the one you want to see a future
a forever
and and always.

I can't sleep
You're gone
And it used to be blood battles every night
But tonight it's silent
And all I can hear are crickets chirping in the yard
The silence is deafening
Sometimes, I prefer you screaming at me through the phone
Just because it meant we were working through something
But last time, I knew it was coming to an end
So I broke it off before you could
And now all I whisper, is your name in my sleep
All I whisper is the places we've been together
The people we've become
My hands are so empty and trembling without yours
The other whole that completed me has moved on so quickly
I guess I thought you wouldn't persuade me by lying anymore after it all happened
But nothing changed
When I text you goodnight,
"Baby" appears as something I should say next
But I dont
I dont say it anymore
Because that's no longer my place
I've taken it out of your veins
And hidden those words within my own
So you won't be able to find it there
You won't be able to sink your teeth into all of my tender places
I roll over
Sweetheart, do you know me?
You know that when the flowers bloom in the spring it means new beginnings and happiness
But lately, all I am sensing is grave danger and sadness filling up the pits of my stomach
I won't eat
I have lost my appetite, due to a boy who is filling me with this sensation of ache
I miss you
I miss you like the way my paper misses the ink on it
I miss you like the way my mother misses alcohol
I miss you like the winter misses the sun
I. Miss. You.
And its sickening to me that you left again
You left without fighting for the parts of me you onced loved so dearly
You picked me up like a moving box and placed me outside your door
Waiting to be picked up by another delivery man
Well its raining
Its pouring
Will you let me in???
I'm cold
I can hear you sneaking her in through the back door
The delivery man is late
And I'm melting on the pavement
I don't want to die anymore
But without you, it feels like I already have...
You say
You're suicidal over things you cannot control
But darling you know that's what breaks me the most
So for once I have taken something into my own hands
Only to regret it later
And so I am sorry for not giving you my all...
I blink my eyes
And realize the darkness of the room is enveloping me in a way I never imagined possible
I ******* miss you baby
Return to these bed sheets
And cradle me with care
Just like it used to be..

Scribbles on a page and sound that emits from the very lips I use to kiss have the power to be much more.
When the right words are in place they can make a lover's heart race, pumping oxygen to the brain so that the body won't collapse from being breathless.
My gentle heart beats to the rhythm of rain cascading down my beloved's face.
Words are a soft vibration that graces the eardrums and shakes the water free from her eyes' clenching grasp.
Words are the vibration we feel when the concrete walls we onced used for protection come crumbling down.
The Earth shakes beneath our feet as the war-hardened barricade fails—it becomes impossible to stand.
She grabs my hand as if for balance then holds it close to her heart.
Words are a vibration that puts to shame god's orchestra of a thousand angels playing a thousand violins in harmony.
The words become a symphony of their own, fine tuned for my lover's ear, moving us into a safe haven in one another's embrace where our softer halves can become whole again.

Tyler Castro
12/1/16

Little by little
Shadow engulfs the weary soldier
As the dark drapes hide the light
The senses onced sharp
Dulled
The focus once once intense
Weakened
The confidence once large
Minisculed

As the head nods unconsciously
in succeeding rhythmic locomotion
Dozes the student
From the horrendous boringness
As the teacher shuts
the dusty only-once usage textbook closed
Marks the end of the informative torture
Awakens the knowledge searcher
From his unexpected quick slumber

Thus came night
For the student to do the task obtained
Little did he know
Not a single knowledge was gained

where did the smoke travel to
flame dead of the wick's woe
where did you go when
chronos stopped time and
aphrodite longed to see you
as the candle's grime continues
to taint the glass from
transparent to white and black
where you onced had vanished to.

© fey (05/11/20)

Nights that filled with unresolved problems
All the possibilities that i’ve decided to ignore
Regrets that stuck in this broken heart
Words that can’t escape from cold lips

Books are written by a dying souls
Filled with bloods
Represents the dark story of life
Lonely, without anyone saving me from drowning.

Living days with darkness surrounds all the time
Passing by a dead flowers who onced a beautiful one
Heat that struck to my skin, replaced by cold
Freezing my body and soul.

Is this life?
Or this is hell calling my name?
Destroying me slowly
Piles of me that will never come back.

Why won't you come back for me and to me. I'm so lonesome. Depressed without you. Do you ever think about me? Do you even miss me?
I think about you everyday, I miss you everyday. Somehow I wished I can go back and relive that life we were living together.

Yes I know you made those two years ******* yourself, with me always being there near you. I'm sorry we got attached to eachother, we got to close and I want to be that close to you again.

You made me pretty.
You made me feel pretty.
You are my prettiness.

Which i should be ****** thankful to have you or to atleast onced your near.

You and I, we were deadly together.

I remember,
water dripping,
slowly,
trickling,
down two lovers hair,
face,
eyes,
lips entwined,
hands grabbing,
in desire for what they so desirably longed for the whole day,
yet had to suppress their need,
they had to hide it quietly inside their explosive beating hearts for each other.
I remember it all,
it was once a memory that always made me feel nervous inside,
creating butterflies in my tum,
tubes tied,
and now I'd like to think it has become a,
meaningless,
emotionless feeling inside...
why am I lying to myself,
that memory still compels me to watch it in my mind,
replay a time where I onced felt how it felt to be loved,
cry,
and cry,
and cry,
because of the broken glass thats left a crack in  my heart,
a crack that can never be healed by anyone else,
all thats left is that one memory of the shower before he quickly,
vainly,
disappeared from his lover.

The table sits alone in the dining room of our home
It hasn’t been touched in ages like my emotions by ur spit of lies
that u claim are the truths-
But the truths don’t fix up the cracked edges of the wood like they don’t fix up my thoughts of you.
The table I pass everytime I run to the room where it doesn’t matter if we stay together anymore because everything would be better if you weren’t here,
the same room where your lies tied in with my nonsense had ripped open the walls and the truth caved in once you were completely gone.
The call had described such a sweet serenity
the life of happiness I onced pictured the first time we held hands,
but the realness of your words wasn’t enough to make me drop to my knees and beg you to come back
No, the realness in your words had made me realize how much I hate that table and how much I hate the thought of you

He dropped a bottle, we watched the lactic leave and cover the floor.
"He's a baby boy, he doesn't know better."
He tipped the vase that was onced said not to be touched,
Drew on walls with all sorts of colors.
"He's a baby boy, he doesn't know better."
Ran with bread in his hands that wasn't his,
Walked on property that said NO.
"He's a baby boy, he doesn't know better."
Absent from school, days and days,
Sobbed and pout in stores when mother said,
I'm not buying that.
"He's a baby boy, he doesn't know better."
Grades were lowering,
Smiles were deterring.
"He's a baby boy, he doesn't know better."
Tussled in the streets with the no-good-doers,
Trying to protect the change in his pockets.
"He's a baby boy, he doesn't know better."
He came in the house of the mist of nights,
Bashed and bitter,
Partied till sunrise.
"He's a baby boy, he doesn't know better."
He met a lover,
Left her for another and another.
"He's a baby boy, he doesn't know better."
He howled and beaten people,
Threatened their lives if they spoke of it.
"He's a baby boy, he doesn't know better."
Jumped in mysterious cars and tarnished the neighborhoods,
Took innocent lives,
Was sentenced life.
"He's not a baby boy, he knows better."

I'm tired of living
Living a lie
Not being able to love
The one you onced love
Thoughts blooming
But why?
Why think about that love
Because ....
Because she's still there
And she will always will be
But it's time to go
She's happy
Living a cheerful life
But what about me
Why not me ...

It took a year
For real life to strike

For angst and pain
And loss and blame
To seep into my being

For life to change
Beyond repair
To mock my naïve hopes
That one day not too long from now
We’d all be tossed a rope
an aid for getting back the life
I thought it was a given
Offered, earned or taken
No doubt this should be written

I have been mocked and laughed at
Humiliated fully
Who said the silver lining
Would ever be rewarded?

Who said that thinking bright and light
Would lead to us to be Kings?
Who said that keeping open arms
Would fill them with good things ?

The neighsayers, the doomsdayers
Now they reacted first
“Our lives will never be the same”
“Ridiculous “I cursed
if I can power through this thing
if I can hold my stead
then surely I’ll deserve it
no doubt I’ll be rewarded

But one year on and I’m still here
With nothing but one thought
They won, those ******* called it
life will never be retold

I’ll never see my favourite band
while squashed amongst my peers
I’ll never hold my child’s hand
and lead her in a cheer

I’ll never feel the pulse of crowds
that carry and transport me
to realms beyond myself
of ecstasy and joy

I’ll never share the joys of life
with the village I belong to

I’ll never give away my child
Surrounded by my friends

I’ve lost my veiled city walks
the company of strangers
those vagabonds, those chatterbombs
those rambling raging tourists

I’ve lost the freedom of a roam
in endless ***** markets
Of touching things and smelling them
And shaking hands with sellers

I want to squeeze into the tube
on an August summer’s day
and smell the sweat and body odours
by which I onced dismayed

I want to push across a bar
And plead to get my drink
and tut and huff towards the guy
who pushed to get ahead

I want to curse and shout and stomp
for my favourite football team
and fight with the opposing side
and trample on their dream.

I want my smile to be seen
by the burly shopping clerk
to roll my window down at lights
To greet an immigrant
I want to hand him my donation
to place it in his palm
and not be scared or worried
that I’ll end up coughing phlegm.

I want my children to live free
Of masks and antiseptic
and live a life that’s full and rich
with all relationships

A life complete with crowds and queues
and large scale celebrations
Of smelly loos, of flowing *****
And stinky sweaty ballrooms

The life that I once doubted
Despite my best intentions
And now its gone and I don’t know
if I will get it back.

A wasted year of optimism
Thinking all would be ok
A year of denial and
dare I say
a year of baseless consolation.

I wish my womb garden could've been photographed.
The lights toyed with my inhebition.
The Galaxy transformed.
Im in the fishbowl.
Oh way I still dont know what I'm talking about.
I had feared that I never would've returned onced I left.
I dont know if im glad I was wrong.
I kept hearing voices.
Now I keep seeing faces.
They can't all be fiction.

Hey I know that you're all grown up, your not a little girl anymore & don't need me for shelter,

But I know that you hurt,
And deep within there's still a little girl coveting inside,
The armor that now is YOU as a woman,

And I just wanna reach out to her,
Show you that you are still HER,
That little girl that onced dreamed of things bigger than she,

I know you feel hopeless,
Life's disappointments left you loveless,
But I know your not completely hollow,
Because you have a little girl now,
And you had to harvest love to have her,

I'm just here to remind you,
That you onced laughed & you smiled,
And your glow could light up a darkened road for miles and miles,

I hope your listening,
Even if tears roll & glisten,
Because someone needs to remind you,
That you're not cold or made of Iron.

Your just a little lost in the current,
And you need someone to guide you,
But first and foremost I'd like to apologize to you,
For not becoming what you always dreamed of being,
When you were a little girl so excited to be part of this world,

So here goes:
This is a letter to my younger self,
The little girl that wanted to grow up so bad,
But it happened way too fast,

I know everything has seemed like a war and a struggle,
And I'm sorry I've let you down,
See I was so in a hurry to grow up and be free to be me.

That I didn't think things thoroughly,
And now the younger me is suffering,
The part of me that still dreams,
Believes in love solid as gold,
This little girl she was bold,
Despite a broken home and divorce,
She STILL dreamed BIG,
Big about ME.

But I let you down in my own greed,
Too in a hurry to flee,
From home so I could experience being a teen,
Because your childhood was stolen,
And you just wanted to be normal like everyone you knew,

I'm sorry that back then I didn't give much of a ****,
To keep my head on straight,
And secure the life that you are owed,

I'm sorry I was so in a rush to experience life,
Because as you already know it,
I never got to be a care-free child,
I'm sorry you always felt alienated & broken,

And all the hands that had touched you,
Warped in your young mind what the idea of love is,
I'm sorry I poisoned your body,
Trying to **** the pain you have felt your whole life,

I know deep inside you're STILL in there.....
Still trying to believe..
That somehow you can still be happy,
And in time maybe trust AGAIN,

I know you're all grown up now,
And you are a force to reckon with,
I know you may not need my Comfort or embrace,

All I know is that you are lost,
Deep inside My head,
Because all of life's circumstances rendered you to give in,

But even as a little girl you were tougher than nails,
And the strength in your mind is bigger than your own body,
So keep pushing and pulling til the dam breaks and your floods consume all those who hate.

I'm so sorry I didn't work harder to be the person that you thought you'd grow up to be,
But I'm you from the future telling myself from childhood....

Hey you can't give up,
You still have more miles,
And two eyes that look up at you to admire.