I've been going through a long battle with my mind.
You see its so hard to wake up everyday with a visage, when everything seems to be boiling up inside.
I'm filled with so much anger yet I don't know why.
There's so much beauty in life and yet I struggle each day to see through these clouds weighing down on me.
I feel like I can't breathe yet I'm trying so hard to stop myself from drowning.
These suicidal thoughts have a way of finding its path through these cracked scars in between my soul and heart,
an ongoing battle of self love to self hate.
I have never been this lonely in my life,
yet the very same man whose heart is mine and mine his,
doesn't see beyond this broken being.
I can't do it anymore.
Dear you whose compass has lead to this note,
This is no ordinary letter,
Its a word or two to encourage you.
I may have never danced in your world,
or laid beside you to capture the dreams that are good,
or simply those that brought you hurt.
I may have never gotten the chance to take a glance at this beauty in front of me,
nor crossed paths with your eyes,
which personally I adore the most, how they say so much yet the world knows little of what comes from that beautiful mind of yours.
You see I write this to you because, I love you
and to know that someone you do not know of loves you the way I do, is the best feeling ever, because no one else in the world deserves LOVE more than you do, never ever forget that.
I hope that your hand, your eyes, the words that creep out of your mouth and spreads its wings like butterflies may meet with this simple poem of mine,
and hopefully you and I can help spread the word of love to someone else as amazing as you are to me,
To inspire and heal a broken heart,
To bring about a sense of warmth within the hearts
because nothing matters to me than seeing you simply happy,
so smile, take joy in life,
there's nothing more profound than the breath of a new morning. Its a way of telling you that you deserve to be alive, that there is purpose in your life.
I am my mothers eyes,
brown, soft, loving and kind.
With a thousand stories to tell, she would lay me down in my cocoon, when I was young and little, look up with those bold eyes, "God are you listening?" she would ask, then a stretch of a smile would brush the sadness in her eyes.
Why does God lie?
Why can't he/she be honest sometimes?
These are questions I always ask myself when I'm in deep contemplation about life.
I cry sometimes you know, when she lies in bed helplessly, knowing that someday, she'll lie there, still in peace, there'll be no more breath in her lungs.
Yesterday I cried again,
Feeding the pain inflicting me,
She texted me back "I'm doing okay, don't worry about me okay?"
How can I stop worrying?
when its all I can do,
hold my phone to my hand in stagnation,
so grateful that the one technological piece in my hand, is as close as I can get to you mom.
I know what I did was wrong,
moving out especially at a time you needed me the most.
I left you with pain and suffering,
and now I cant undo it because its made its way to your stomach, its killing your insides,
and all I can do is blame myself.
They say you'll never understand someones pain until you step into their shoes.
I wish I could do that. I wish I could step into your shoes and heal this disease that's trying to take you away from me.
God please if you're reading this, take your time to please return the promise you gave to me, the one you told me when I allowed you into my life, when I said I'm all yours and you mine.
Please don't take my mother away from me.
not until I've given her the best life she deserves
I remember taking a shower in front of him, the water drizzling down my body all the way to my vagina, while he stared at me.
He liked what he saw, because maybe he didn't expect me to get undress in front of him, to be so completely comfortable in front of a stranger I knew nothing of.
I was in my own world, where I owned this hurt, of fights of dying loving and passion for a lover I'd left back home.
He would call me and hear the anger steaming from my voice, yet not once did he bother to question it, out of fear of the unknown, out of fear that maybe I'd decided I was fed up and wanted to leave him and quit what we both called love.
So here I was in front of a man, who was clothed yet I naked.
After my long shower, I led him to a room which I took power of, and gently kissed him on the lips, without thinking about anything, even though all I could think of was, "What are you doing?"
People always think that cheating is wrong, that its not worth it, and that you'll never meet Mr/Mrs right if you leave your legs loosely open for men or women to feast at.
But they never tell you of what you go through to get to that point in your life,
Its where the cheating stems from, its where the hurt grows, its the root of all pain and suffering knowing that you have to live with this lie when you go back home to him, to a man you once'd urged to be with, craved every undying moment with him...Now you hate yourself so much, and you hate him too for not trying to put up a fight for you two. So I'm sorry my love. I'm sorry I lied to you.
I remember her,
shouting at me when I was a little younger.
I've out grown those days of being made to think that I am lesser than a man, or playing with boys would turn me into an lesbian whose only revenge of never having kids would be based on the fact that she, my mother Christine stuurman, lessoned herself.
with fistful of hurtful words from him,
with bruises she still loved him,
with kindness she let him in,
into our lives,
Shed her bed with them
living the same old lie,
men after men,
as if they were orbiting around her like the sun and star
What about me?
Why didn't I change she still asks today?
I changed every perception of men,
I changed how I treated them,
like dirt in sewage pipes they were to me,
I trampled on their egos, hating their existence and not understanding why my mom lowered herself so much for men. I wish she had opened her eyes, loved less and love herself more.
but life opened my eyes too, all I wished for her was to find a man so loving and understanding as the one I've found.