It's odd to think of how much time I spend working out a mental fallacy or problem in my head or on paper and then it's just gone. It's like a rhetorical analysis and my life is a story.

Today i was struggling a tad about spending this weekend at my boyfriend's and him not spending too much time with me. But immediately afterward, I summed that yes, he's happy to see me, but I was the one who asked to visit and he already had plans of things to do. So Though he appreciated my company, he has others things to do and enjoy as well.

This is not OUR weekend or holiday. I am just participating in it.

It was like this welling emotion of hurt suddenly was alleviated, knowing that it was not about shirking me; it was about getting things he had already endeavored to do done.

Thinking gets me to many better places than places I previously was before.

I solve a lot of my own problems staring at a screen and typing them out, or just staring and thinking in general. It gets me through issues that don't need to be issues. Its just my chemical imbalances ramping up small emotions that need not be catastrophic, but can sometimes turn to be.

Similarly, I've solved why I'm an extrovert writer. My only friends were people in stories, and though I adore human energy and potential, real human beings do not compare to the neatness and logic of story characters. They can both feel as real, but real people can change on a dime, or be growthless, or waste their time and learn nothing.

In a story we'd call that unrealistic.

So I'm content being around people, feeding off their glorious energy, but also fine not being too interactive at all times. I can hear voices in movies, I can meet people in stories. I can suffice on the people between pages, and also the people out of pages who feel strong and real and connective to me.

Thinking and reflecting is one of my strongest traits. Telling my therapist about this trait was one of the first times I realized my possible brilliance. I told her I reflect and work out problems with myself, as it was the only way I figured out how to live when things were worst, and she was stunned. She says that trait, one used to often, can sometimes be attributed to genius.

Understandably, I was also stunned.

Reflecting on reflecting even feels rejuvenating. I am so proud of this skill, the skill that kept me alive and now is helping me learn to be self-sufficient. The growth is exponential. The usability is astounding.

I feel so lucky to be able to have it.

Oxygen is precious
and I continue to waste it
contemplating life
and the decisions I make in it
but I can't decide if it's
sadness or anger I'm filled with
I clench my jaw constantly
and I cry in my sleep
don't know what I'm worth
every day I'm reminded I'm weak
decisions decisions, a lack of ambition
or rather the strength to acquire
what I desire and I know
life is truly a lustrous haze

My soul wants to dance
whilst my heart wants to fight
inflicting pain on others
only to lessen my strife
my mind is a complex maze of thought
thinking we were gifted with intelligence
but now I get it, it's a curse to see
understand, realise and go on knowingly
that life is hard and the world is not fair
well I realised it young
so I can admit that I'm scared
the people that comforted me,
stood by my side, seem unaware

I hope people see something in me
because I don't
I see pain filled eyes when I wash my face
I connect with a reflection
that has felt my pain
I doubt everyone else is different
we're all ashamed
the circumstances differ but
the pain is the same

Sweet summer loving....big balloons in the sky...indigo swirls...and you & I....
...feeling high....so take me there...beyond the pain - against the grain...sailing in our minds...trying to be kind...a path that leads back...cut through on the bias...not being pious -we both want to go...away from where we've been...no time for thinking...the sky is shrinking...this love wearing thin...to begin...to love now before it's too late....get past this state...don't let it slip away....this love gone astray...lassoed in...touching skin...closing eyes... a thin disguise..an unexpected and welcomed bolt from the blue...of love in hearts rekindled new.                                                              Cherie Nolan 2016 *All Rights Reserved

You often reflect on your family
That much is true
But when it's all said and done
And the film of your life has cut to black
When heaven's chorus has begun
And you no longer need or lack
When the preacher says "They're in a much better place now"
And your coffin is in the grave
And the dirt is shoveled over

How will your family reflect on you, when death strikes like the king cobra?

It's been almost a year and I don't love you anymore. But I can't help but remember you showing me The Wonder Years and I don't think of you when I listen to them, but I will admit you still come to mind when I listen to Aaron West. It's bittersweet, like grapefruit. Both ended up my coping mechanism.
You left when I had the most faith in you I would ever have and it's not that I'm not over you. I'm not over what you did. I fear putting that much of my faith into someone again would be like handing them a loaded gun with a faulty trigger, as cliche as that is, and praying they don't shoot. I fear it wouldn't matter whether they try to shoot or not. I fear it'll happen when they don't mean for it. I'm afraid to love.
I don't hate you, but by no means do I love you, I just hope you're happy and you don't think about me when you look around that apartment, because I know I helped you move in-- I was there when you brought in your couch, bed, everything on that road. I stopped thinking about you every time I stepped into my room. I hope you did the same.
I hope she's happy, too. The girl you're with now. You did everything you could to hide the fact it was /her/ of all girls you ended up with, but it wasn't in my control that my friends told me. I'm happy you two are together-- you always talked about your connection anyway. I knew it had full potential, I just always hoped it wouldn't.
I've picked up bad habits, but haven't we all? I hope Ezra happens for you, and I hope I didn't ruin the name. I hope she treats you right.
It's been almost a year and I don't love you anymore. I just wish things didn't end the way they did. And I'm sorry.

There once was a day from far away
With eyes wide open, nothing was grey

The colors were new and tasted like love
I was filled with warmth like the bright sky above

Everything I touched turned alive with light
So even in darkness I didn't know of fright

My hair grew wildflowers deep within the roots
And wonder in my mind I would often let loose

But some people find the light to be blinding
They've forgotten how to look for the silver lining
They closed up inside so their light started dying
I couldn't find anyone who was worthy of guiding
And the brighter my light the more we were fighting

I learned how to hide my thoughts to myself
I packed up my innocence on the top shelf

More time passed by with no one to share
All of my dreams because nobody cared

Day by day and the nights filled with silence
Solitude quickly became my alliance
And my mind matched my body with numbing compliance

The colors were tasteless and lacked its flavor
No time for daydreams when you have to be braver

Tired of hiding, never to condescend
I waited and waited for the days to end
A mind that is paralyzed from so much pretend
I never noticed my purity on its quick descend

Now here I sit free from the blind
Finally stepping out from the unconscious mind
But I never imaged what I would find

My hair had no flowers, it was now bleak
A heart filled with light had become very weak
There was no more daydreams and no more mystique

I suddenly was sympathetic to the unkind
The ones that with no light, the ones that were blind
When innocence and curiosity are forced to stay behind
There is no promise they will be unconfined

They scary part is if you aren't careful with time
The years spent fighting will steal your young mind

Only left with reminisce of the you that's erased
Forever missing my innocence that's long been misplaced

I wonder what I am,
A cesspool of corruption,
Slowly overcoming every corner of my mind.
Charismatic on the outside,
Hides the necrotic thoughts on the inside.

Have you ever thought about the way we change?
To be more precise the way we change for someone
It all can vary from person to person
But it all has the same result

We accommodate for one another
With the other not noticing what we have done for each other
Why does all this happen?

We notice until it is all gone
Or we have some one say,
Hey where have you gone?

I sit here thinking about all the changes I have done
From the way I talked
To the way I walked
To the way I saw
To the way I loved

The funny thing is
We start loving someone new
Where we left of loving the old
Seems like we are like insects going through Metamorphosis

Metamorphosis- the process of transformation from an immature form to an adult form in two or more distinct stages

I am slowly *******
Last night I took out my metal
For I could not stand the weight
During years now
Am I washing off smeared make-up from my face
I think it's beginning to show my skin
Sometimes I speak and the echo brings my own voice back to me
It sounds so much calmer than I remembered
My hair has been growing back its color
It tickles on my shoulders

I'm getting there
It's terribly slow and difficult
But I think I'm finding myself