I sought out just what I've become

Numb to trepidation, apposed to emotions
I choke on sensations, opening to oceans
Of blood soaked remnants I can't fathom
Begin to comprehend, or otherwise justify
To myself

And It's square on my shoulders

If I like it or not

Sating my lust for life, finding out how
To revel in spite, in spite of myself, honestly
Grating, the thoughts that haunt me through
Sleepless hours and all the mindless rambling I do
To myself

I wanted to change, and I did

I did change

Bought at the current rate
Life condensed to a price
I wanted everyone to pay
Besides me. Never me

I thought it free, until someone came around with
The promise that they'd take it all away

Breaking ground, like the words I said
What I say in my day to day
Breaking ground, foray into something
I'd call a grave mistake

Try to justify it, screaming at the sky
Trying hard to hide what I swear I left behind
Blame it on society. A scapegoat that never falters
Hurdles that I prayed would change, and yet
They never falter
So, I blame it on you, and then you blame it on me

I blame it on myself

...

I blame myself.

What it always comes down to

And I turned into what I had always planned to turn into
Go figure.

God, I need your direction.
I have never in my life
been as confused as I am
right now this current second.

Lord, You know my heart.
You know my intentions are pure.
Why can't I hear you?
Why aren't you showing me?

Jesus, I want to do what's right.
Show me where to go.
Lead me in the way
your plan says I should.

Holy Spirit, be my guide.
This what I pray.
Take my very hand in yours
and lead me along the way.

Trapped in an prescripted plan
Held back by unwritten rules of the human clan

I wander down the dark alleyways and I hear them whisper
You should do that! You should do this!
You're not a kid anymore stop the whimper!
Forget those foolish naive dreams!

As I get older those whispers get louder
I hear them scream
Go to college! Find a partner! Work from dust till dawn to satisfy the hunger for the papers so intoxicating, so beautifuly green!

But what is this for if it doesn't bring me joy?
What if I don't want to live the same boring life as they all did?
egoistic without purpose so horribly materialistic

No! That is not the path I want to take
I'll rather be broke than fake
I'll rather be single than in the arms of a snake
I'll rather be uncertain than certain about every little detail

Set me free so I can be what I was always destined to be
I'll find real happines for me and I don't need you all to agree

A traveler's best worst friend, -  
      A path paved with round questions.
      Endeavor worth of an attempt,
      To dive without hesitations.

      Crawling doubts went to the dickens,
      For today he made up a draft.
      Only maybe his thoughtful believing,
      The onliest gift that he ever got.
  
      New ideas got their innings,
      They are better than before.
      Many choices to begin with,
      Does he know what they are for?

      Mindful state eventually is winning,
      And seeker ends up being a paver.
      He knows the end is only a beginning,
      And road he built will lay forever.

Lord, sometimes I get discouraged and I start to question why
Especially when things don’t work out no matter how hard I try.
When the words won’t come and the thoughts don’t flow,
When minutes feel like hours and time moves painfully slow
When I am challenged, you use these moments to teach.
I know you are here even though you feel out of reach.
Lord, I trust that my being with you is good enough:
You take my awkward feeble attempt and edges rough
You make it something beautiful and polish it to shine.
Even in our brokenness, you are still divine.
Lord, help me when I feel that what I give is not enough
You love me when life is good and when times are tough.
My worth isn’t measured by what I can or cannot do,
My worth is measured by who I am to you:
Cherished, and beloved until the end of days.
Often you work in mysterious ways
But I trust you Lord, even though I don’t always see
At least not right away, the lessons you are teaching me.
So, in the challenges Lord, I thank you; I bless your Holy Name
And I pray that every day, you help me do the same.

Amen

Current book is about to put in safe keeping,

waiting the new book of a 365 pages,

a new beginning,

a new list of book of ages.



Plan must be planned beforehand,

claim must be claimed and –

Proof must be proved again,

do all you can, so much for what will you gain,

no more sad onomatopoeia, no more suffering in pain.



Possibilities are yet to come,

hope versus expectation – both will never promise the outcome,

A billion dollar started with a single penny,

A master once a newbie,

Walking in failure is part of recipe,

to reach a delightful biography.



TWO hands & two legs,

THOUSAND wrong steps,

AND almost time having a big mistakes,

EIGHTEEN years old’s dreams – current broken dreams closed the drape,

2018 is our sweet escape.

think big
no
think bigger
no
even bigger
you’re not getting this
your mind is so small
that it can’t hold my big thoughts
my masterplan
that will make you live forever
you say we all die
that’s just an excuse
to avoid doing any work
and anytime i try to tell you anything
you just cry your little heart out
i didn’t know i raised you
to be such a little *****