2 am
At this ungodly hour everything reminds me that you’re gone.
I’m here under the sheets
And I don’t feel your cold feet
Rubbing against mine anymore
Broke down as if I lost a war
Where the winner took it all
All the good left in me
And even if I know this wasn’t meant to be
coming to terms with reality is hard
Actually, it’s the worst part
But I know I’ll get through the dark
Because I do it every night
I’ll wake up from this nightmare
And I’ll see the daylight.

Patterns are like chains
I can’t break free
Or at least that’s the way
It seems to me

my mind has declared
war against me as it  
wanders to places
and times
that make me unable
to sleep before daylight
enters the premise,
and as long as the
thoughts triggered
won’t make a peace
investment in me,
i am forever
incarcerated.

All my friends got friends
Every single one of them
I’m afraid I’ll become a hinderance
As opening up might show my lack of strength
All my friends got friends
While all I have is them

So, how do I cope?
How do I reject jealousy when it wants to comfort me?
When it assures me that alliance benefits me?
When it asks me not to resist?
When it’s presence is so enticing, I can feel it’s breath down my neck, intriguing me more than scaring me
How do I cope?
When they get to experience life outside of our ensemble
Get to see corners my sight won’t reach
Because those experiences are unique to their memories
Memories I wasn’t invited or welcomed into
Memories that didn’t make sense for me to inherit
How do I cope?
When anger sneaks into my morning coffee
The heat burning my tongue and leaving me with a lingering bitterness
Stealing my voice and replacing it with its own to yell that only I can provide happiness
For so long, I’ve tried looking for different things from different people
Distributing parts of my trust to different pieces of the puzzles
So that their whole could make me but their individuality couldn’t break me
But what happens if I stopped at two?
What happens if only two pieces to the puzzle held that much power between them?
And why is it that bringing the two pieces of puzzle together left me so lonely?

I can't close my eyes,
I can't close my mind
as my thoughts keep me awake all night.

I toss and I turn,
trying to find comfort in my bed.

It's past midnight
and my thoughts have been rung
with gasoline
and been set on fire.
It consumes the small pieces of
happiness that I picked up during the day.

I gaze and think,
as there is no save tonight.

So I lay with a heavy mind
and empty heart
waiting for my eyes to slip to sleep.

It’s in my mind now
Can’t erase it
Can’t do anything but move on.

But I don’t want to
Can’t stop thinking
Heart is pounding and eyes streaming.

What if it goes wrong?
Can’t stop worrying
Can’t stop anxiously waiting.

another night of overthinking
looking too deep for some meaning

i count the years that passed
and the years yet to come
mapping out the path
to the person i'll become

the life that i want
i can't hope to realize
running on 0s and 1s
and there's no compromise

all this pretense
just means to an end
one day i'll crack
and i can't go back

who is it you think you see?
is that the person i should be?
perfect lies to make a perfect life

the more i let myself go
the more i pull back,
the more courage built
the more fear fed,
the more i give
the more i grieve
the more emotions involved
the more thoughts escape,
the more i know
the less i want to know.