11/22/2013

have you ever
been so curious
that it kills you inside?

have you ever
been so determined
to find the truth
that you forgot
about everything else?

have you ever
been so unsatisfied
with the unknown
that every second
of every day
you're thinking
of different theories,
different stories,
different beliefs,
that you can
hardly keep your head
******* on straight?

I don't know
how I have lived
for so many years
being so content
with not knowing
everything and
anything
about my own existence

how was I
not ever concerned
with this,
how was I
fine with knowing nothing?

because now,
now,
I am certainly
not fine

I am not
okay

I am not
well

I am beginning
to go mad
from the
unknown

I *need
to know

anything,
and everything
about myself,
about us all,
about our existence,
about the earth,
about space,
about the universe,
about life

I will never
be satisfied
without it

© 2013 Scarlet Van Allen

It's unhealthy, the amount I think of you.
I don't plan to pursue you.
I don't want to meet you--
at least, not for a decent amount of time.

I just want to figure you out,
to witness your creations, as dark as the desire may be.
I want to feel a corpse and understand
exactly what it is you've done to make it one.

It's not just a heartbeat that's missing;
the inhale-exhale rhythm of breath is not the only thing that has ceased.
A living body is much more than blood pumping,
or converting oxygen into carbon dioxide--

but I can't decide what makes it truly alive.
What makes a person truly alive?
Do you even know? Could you tell me?
And if so, am I, too, truly alive?

but does he make you feel like you've just woken up / in the middle of your own / open heart surgery?

~You were the first one to ever peak my curiosity. You had mood swings like day and night, you pulled at the threads in my flesh trying to search for what you could find underneath. We never got close enough that I could call you my girlfriend but I could feel what it was like. You were always talking about this boy, I had my first taste of jealousy because he would never love you like I could. I got tired of the cycle. Waiting for my turn. So I took from you what I could get and left you wishing you had loved what you had.

~You were so beautiful the way you had the ability to spot me in a crowded room. No matter the temperature your skin was always cold. You were always so cold. You spoke of how the stars here could never compare to the ones in Ohio. I didn't hesitate when you asked to be mine or when you asked if you could explore my every curve. You told me if I reached a certain weight you'd leave me so my fingers got to know the back of my throat in a disgustingly familiar way. I cried for three nights after you left, I was pathetically in lust with you. Months later you came to appreciate the way my hips rocked against yours and begged for my return. You are trash.

~You kissed me at the bottom of the stairs briefly. I could tell you didn't kiss often but I said yes anyway.  I remember being startled when I woke up at a friends house, my hair a filthy mess and you were sitting there watching me. I could barely have a conversation with you so I always kissed you to cover the involuntary silence. You were the nicest boy I'd ever met but I never loved you.

~We we're practically married the way we fought and ****** for three years. I gave you everything I had in summer on a blanket spread over the lush grass. I wrote novels in your pretty little heart and poured out my every struggle. I loved you from the hairs that stood on the back of my neck to the way I curled my toes..but then you changed. You said you were growing up and learning responsibility. But really you sat blankly in your room counting birds of death and you watched me struggle for breath, for life. I tried to get my love back but you'd buried him deep somewhere. I imagine he's laying beautifully in a bed of flowers and butterflies land on his lips trying to give him breath, although they are to minuscule to succeed. You've become a disgusting person. I do not love you.

~During a time that I sat waiting for death I found myself in August during September. You were the most beautiful boy I'd ever laid eyes on, I never imagined lips like yours touching mine. I've come to realize that you are the flowers, you are the butterflies and the sunshine. You are all of the bright magnificent things that you think you're not and you are mine. I fell for you involuntarily, but I would never turn back if I could. I've never had a best friend and a lover amalgamated.  I've never been so certain that love can exist in the darkest of beings. I've never tasted forever in someones kiss. Dear present love do not deceive me.