Nobody sees it here, but
falling apart at it's made-up seams,
bringing life to an orifice
sits my heart, breaking from within,
tearing to shreds as
I go on about my day

It nauseates me, your happiness
I want to release my insides from their
hiding place, whenever I think of you
loving you makes me sick
what used to give my heart
warmth, now brings it nothing but
ice, releasing a cold frigid sensation,
numbing the world around me.

Your world keeps on turning,
as mine was frozen in your storm
the snow enveloping me
in a pit of empty glee
my patience is wearing thin, of
how I've grown too accustomed
to your form of love.

I have these issues
I can't begin to explain
I try to fight them, but always lose
all the loss and heartache, burning a hole in my brain

I walk into the darkness
each step is a painful memory
no light bright enough to spark this
so each day I try to enter a new and exciting reverie

But to my hopeful eyes
I am blindly surprised that the hurt goes on
working beyond the fixtures of my medicated pain
winning the battle between me and my vengeful brain.
I have these issues

Confidence is something we're allegedly taught
but somehow all of my teachings were naught

you see, I glazed over the part about self-compassion
the rest of my life spent in similar fashion

I try to re-learn all that my mind misconstrued
the hope I harbor within, I can't exclude

all I need is a bout of trust, courage, and medication
my aim is a newfound liberation

they tell you it's a weakness to cry
advise you to keep your hurt inside
you foolishly believe their earnest claims
and fold in on yourself in vain

I go about my mornings
covered in the fog of my paranoia
drenched in the rain of my worries
enveloped in the snow of my bitter cold thoughts.
(strained by the sun
aching for the moon)
Contemplating staying put and doing nothing at all
(That sounds good to me)
I pick up my morning coffee
(Old habits don't die without a fight, I’ve grown to know)
I’m fine for a few hours
The fog slowly dissipates
The putrid smell of rain still lingers on my skin
The snow melting into a warm dampness in my mind
(an uncomfortably familiar feeling)
sticking to the hard to reach surfaces.
My day drudges forward, with ease.
(not for long)
-------------------
By noon time the fog circles back
I’m instantly freezing.
The sun is playing tricks on me
telling my body I’m in imminent danger.
She hides away beyond the fog, like a coward
taking no prisoners.
silently applauding herself for she, again, successfully,
burns me.
-------------------
By mid-day she's on a rampage
forcing me back into the storm,
I’m drowned out by the rain
(I fear him most of all)
(he reminds me of nothing but my deepest fears)
Loneliness
Bitterness
Happiness
Weakness
They capture me and hold me tight.
I’m stuck.
---------------------
By evening time
I try to level with her.
I’m choking on the thick fog. It’s taking over.
I’m shaking now.
(I can’t breath, I’m going to die)
I start to calm down, with no warning.
All of a sudden, the air enters my lungs again.
The sun, still kind, in her light, asks for forgiveness.
I grant her none.
The moon suddenly rears her beautiful head.
“Darling” she caresses my cheeks.
I instantly ease into the touch.
Able to breath, with the sun out of sight,
I take myself in.
I’m broken, tormented, tired, lost, but alive.
(by night fall I am at ease with my inconsolable world.)
I decide to sleep it off.